Joke For All

[cyberjoke3000] January 31, 2012

2012-01-30T23:59:00.000-08:00

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

I swear I watched Friday's pool trick shots video the day before I sent the link to you. I'm sorry if you clicked it and it wasn't available. Here’s the same video via another link. Click it quick before it disappears: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hq0C5X654b8

CyberJokester Gary Orndorff sends along "White Pages Neighbors," which is exactly what the name describes. Enter an address and it displays a map of the neighborhood listing all your neighbors and often their phone numbers. Of course, some info may be incorrect or out of date but still -- what a great way to plan a neighborhood block party!
http://neighbors.whitepages.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Cecil asked Morris, "Is it all right to smoke while praying?" Morris replied, "Why don't you ask the rabbi?" So Cecil asked Rabbi Golden, "Rabbi, is it permissible for me to smoke while I pray?" "No, of course not. That's disrespectful to our religion and traditions!" Cecil went back to Morris to tell him the result. Morris said, "I'm not surprised; you asked it wrong. Here, watch this." Morris went over to the rabbi and asked, "Rabbi, is it okay to pray while I smoke?" Rabbi Golden replied, "By all means, my good man. By all means."

Graffito over a bar urinal: "I f*¢ked your Mom." Next graffito: "Go home, Dad. You're drunk!"

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[cyberjoke3000] January 30, 2012

2012-01-29T23:41:00.000-08:00

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Members of Congress and distinguished guests, I wish to assure you that the State of our Sight Gags is laughable!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=3211

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Morris had to quit school to support his family and thus never learned to read or write. He signed his checks "XX." But he started his own business, which soon prospered, making Morris rich. One day, his office phone rang. "Morris, this is the bank. We've got a check with your name on it but it's signed with three X's and you always sign with two." "Oh, that was my wife's idea," explained Morris. "Ever since we became rich, she thought I should have a middle name!"

How are an anniversary, a toilet and a clitoris alike? Men always miss them all!

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[cyberjoke3000] January 27, 2012

2012-01-27T00:50:00.000-08:00

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Want to see some amazing trick pool shots, complete with an attractive blonde "obstacle" on the table? Florian Kohler has mad pool skillz!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-SkWMqmLaTU

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A man called his mother and said, "Hi, Mom. How are you?" "Fine." "Oh, sorry. Wrong number!"

Bob, a middle-aged Canadian visiting Orlando, found a brothel, took a seat, and the madam sent over a cute young lady to entertain him. They frolicked a little, drank a little, and soon she was sitting on his lap. He whispered in her ear. She gasped and ran away! Madam found this odd, but sent over a more experienced woman, but the same thing happened again. Madam was surprised; this ordinary-looking man requested something so outrageous that neither girl would consent. She decided to send in her most experienced girl, Lola. "Lola will do anything," she thought. "Nothing surprises her." But soon Lola screamed, "No way, buddy!" slapped Bob, and left. Madam was intrigued. "What could it be?" Now, she hadn't done any "hands on" work in a long while, but she was confident she could handle anything, so she plopped down on Bob's lap, talked a while, giggled, drank and sure enough, Bob soon whispered in her ear, "Do you accept Canadian currency?"

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[cyberjoke3000] January 26, 2012

2012-01-25T23:49:00.000-08:00

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Roberta sends along this amazing video of a gorilla family wandering through a safari camp and interacting with a man who got some real "up close and personal" time.

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=69c_1324490734

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

He: "After all these years of marriage, I feel like we're still dating." She: "Oh, dear: you're so sweet." He: "Yeah. You wouldn't put out back then, either!"

A stacked blonde appeared in a strapless evening gown that defied gravity. "You look terrific!" said her admiring escort. "I don't see what holds that dress up!" She murmured, "Play your cards right and you will!"

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[cyberjoke3000] January 25, 2012

2012-01-24T23:44:00.000-08:00

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Ever wonder if a website was safe? Find out what Google thinks by substituting the web site in question for my site's address at the end of the link below. (Or if you click the link now, you can see what Google thinks of me.)
http://www.google.com/safebrowsing/diagnostic?site=allowe.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A woman went to a plastic surgeon to have her wrinkles removed, but when she woke up, she found the surgeon had given her breast implants instead. "What have you done?" she demanded. The quick-thinking surgeon responded, "Hey, at least now, no one will notice your wrinkles!"

A deputy sheriff was explaining courtroom procedures to a group of ninth-graders. Court was in recess and only the clerk and a young man wearing handcuffs were in the room. "This is where the judge sits," he began, pointing to the bench. "The lawyers sit at these tables. That's the court clerk over there. The court stenographer sits here. That's the witness stand. And over there is where the jury sits. As you can see, it takes a lot of people to make the judicial system work." The prisoner raised his cuffed hands and said, "Yeah, but I'm the guy who makes it all happen!"

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[cyberjoke3000] January 24, 2012

2012-01-24T01:21:00.000-08:00

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

How about some amazing close-up magic from last week's Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas? I have no idea how he does it!
http://www.flixxy.com/magic-at-ces.htm

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Follow your dreams ...except that one where you're naked in church!

A daughter brought her new boyfriend home from college. The young man said to her father, "Sir, I realize it's merely a formality, but I'm here to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage." Dad looked surprised. "And where did you get the idea that this was just a formality?" "From our Lamaze instructor!"

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[cyberjoke3000] January 23, 2012

2012-01-22T23:58:00.000-08:00

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

I apologize for missing Friday’s CyberJoke 3000™. You may have seen on the news: the Pacific Northwest had heck of a snowstorm, for which we’re not well-prepared. Our power was out for 30+ hours, came back on for 4, then went out again. But we’re back now and hopefully this time it will stay on for a long time! I don’t know about you, but I’m ready for some sight gags!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=3201

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Two young boys were fishing when the game warden came out of the bushes. Immediately, one boy threw down his pole and ran away through the woods. The game warden ran right after him. After about five minutes, the youngster stopped to catch his breath and the game warden caught up. "All right, son. Let's see your fishing license," the warden gasped. The boy pulled out his wallet and handed him a valid license. The game warden was confused. "If you have a valid fishing license, why did you run?" The young man replied, " ‘Cause my buddy don't!"

"I think my husband may have visited prostitutes before we married." "Really? What makes you think so?" "Well, last night while we were playing around, he picked me up and headed for the bedroom. I giggled and asked him, 'Should I struggle?' and he said, 'I don't know. Does it cost extra?' "

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[cyberjoke3000] January 19, 2012

2012-01-19T00:49:00.000-08:00

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Want to see some amazing sports tricks? CyberJokester Paul sends along this incredible video. (I often wonder how many wipeouts their bodies had to endure to be able to produce these miraculous shots.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EEu42L0ufBY

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Remember: If it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

Two attractive young nurses were having coffee when one mentioned her fiancé's extraordinary sexual appetite. "I barely have the strength to come to work in the mornings," she said. "And now that he's on vacation, things will be more intense when he returns." "How long is he off?" asked her friend. "Oh, it varies, but usually I have time to smoke a cigarette!"

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[cyberjoke3000] January 18, 2012

2012-01-17T23:40:00.000-08:00

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Hillel Stoler sends along this webpage that's guaranteed to bring back (not necessarily fond) memories: The Restart Page. See and hear Apple ][gs, Win98, even Next, with all those ugly bootup screens you've finally blotted from your memory.
http://www.therestartpage.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Dear Abby: "I want to trace my family history but can't afford to spend a lot of money. Any suggestions? Signed, Sam in California." Dear Sam in California: "Run for public office."

Tired of having a child every year, a woman asked her doctor what was causing them. The doctor responded by handing her a box of condoms. "Tell your husband to put one of these on his organ every time before you have sex." A few months later, she returned, pregnant again -- and mad as hell. The doctor said, "Did your husband do as I instructed?" She replied, "Every time! Except, since we don't have an organ, he put them on the piano!"

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[cyberjoke3000] January 17, 2012

2012-01-17T01:15:00.000-08:00

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

"Fishing Under Ice" is a fascinating video from Finland that you simply must see. And then figure out how they did it. 3M views in a week!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VIs00QjiJZQ

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Buddy Hackett said: My wife told me she wanted to be cremated. I said, "How about Tuesday?"

After years of marriage, the love life of Frankenstein's monster and his wife, the Bride of Frankenstein, was at a standstill. Every night, Frank came home from work, ate his dinner, and watched TV until he fell asleep. Unsatisfied, Bride decided to see a therapist. "He's just never in the mood," she complained. The therapist suggested a romantic dinner. But she returned unhappy. "Still nothing," she complained. The therapist suggested, "Next time, put on sexy lingerie and lure him into the bedroom." But again she returned unfulfilled. The therapist pulled out all the stops. "You must recreate the moment that sparked your love," he said. Soon, Bride was back -- and this time with a smile. "Thank you so much. Last night, Frank and I went outside during a thunderstorm and, right there in our backyard, we made love like the very first time." "A thunderstorm put him in the mood?" asked the surprised therapist. The Bride of Frankenstein replied, "Yeah. I tied a kite to his pen¡s!"

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[cyberjoke3000] January 16, 2012

2012-01-15T23:45:00.000-08:00

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

I, too, have a dream: to make you smile with a few new sight gags!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=3191

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

How are UFOs and caring men alike? You hear about them, but you've probably never seen one!

Mike and Steve were discussing their weekends. Mike said, "This weekend, I hooked up with that new girl in accounting, Jenny Smith." "Jenny Smith!? What happened?" Mike said, "Well, let's just say, 'I got lucky'." Steve said, "From what I've heard about Jenny, I wouldn't call it lucky." "I would," said Mike, smugly. Steve grimaced. "In that case, Mike, you're the luckiest guy I know with the clap!"

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[cyberjoke3000] January 13, 2012

2012-01-13T01:12:00.000-08:00

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester John Novotny sends along these breathtakingly beautiful views of Earth shot from the ISS. Wow. Be sure to play the videos, too. Isn't our planet just the best?!
http://bit.ly/yOJJZu

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

What did the atheist say during orgasm? "Oh, random chance!"

A pair of eagles were nearly hit by a fighter jet. "Wow!" said one eagle. "Look at that guy go!" The other eagle replied, "Well, you'd go too if you had two a$$holes and they were both on fire!"

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[cyberjoke3000] January 12, 2012

2012-01-11T23:59:00.000-08:00

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Keith Thompson sends along this wonderful video spoof-of-a-spoof, "Vancouvria." If you're a fan of "Portlandia" (which calls Portland the place where 20-year-olds go to retire), you'll love "Vancouvria" (which calls Vancouver, Washington the place where 50-year-olds go to avoid income taxes). First, the original promotional video of "Portlandia: Dream of the 90s":
http://laughingsquid.com/portlandia-portland-dream-of-the-90s
And here's "Vancouvria: Dream of the Suburbs":
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nMwCkZiEQ7A

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

"Mom, I think I just met the woman of my dreams. Now what do I do?" His mother responded, "Why not send her flowers and invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?" "That's a great idea, Mom! I set it up for next Saturday night." Sunday, she called to see how it went. "Mom, it was a disaster," he moaned. "Why, dear? Didn't she come over?" "Oh, yeah, she came over, all right, but she refused to cook!"

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went camping. That night, lying in their tent, Holmes pulled out a jar of lemon curd and started smearing it around Dr. Watson's butt. "Sherlock! What are you doing?" asked the shocked doctor. Sherlock grinned and said, "It's a lemon entry, my dear Watson!"

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[cyberjoke3000] January 11, 2012

2012-01-10T23:44:00.000-08:00

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Neil Rubenking sends along this article from PC Magazine by Chloe Albanesius which reveals a host of search Easter eggs, topping my one little link yesterday: http://www.pcmag.com/article2/0,2817,2397781,00.asp

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A high school senior was continually getting in trouble, both at home and at school, and he was fed up. He announced one day, "That's it! I'm sick of being told what to do. As soon as I graduate, I'm gonna join the Marines!"

A woman happily showed a friend her new mink coat. "Your husband was really nice to buy you a mink," said her friend. "Nice has nothing to do with it. He had to!" she replied. "Why?" "Because I caught him kissing our new housekeeper." "That's terrible. Did you fire her?" "Not yet. I'm holding out for a new Mercedes!"

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[cyberjoke3000] January 10, 2012

2012-01-09T23:50:00.000-08:00

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Have you ever typed "let it snow" into Google? Did you know you could send Google queries to others as a URL? Here’s a sample:

https://www.google.com/search?q=let+it+snow

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

For my New Year's resolution, I started a new diet plan. So far, I've lost $200!

Two middle-aged couples went camping, the men sleeping in one tent and the women in the other. At two in the morning, one man woke up with a start. "Oh, man!" he cried, "I gotta go find my wife. I just woke up with the biggest erection I've ever had!" His friend replied, "Do you want me to come along with you?" "What? Why on Earth would I want you to come along?" "Because you're holding my d¡ck!"

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[cyberjoke3000] January 9, 2012

2012-01-09T00:04:00.000-08:00

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Here’s hoping your New Year’s resolutions are as consistent as my Sight Gags: six years and still going! And they’re not-fattening!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=3181

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The chick singer, of good looks but questionable talent, commented on the band bus, "I'd rather sing than eat." The drummer replied, "And I'd rather listen to you eat!"

What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? If you slap a mosquito, it'll stop sucking!

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[cyberjoke3000] January 6, 2012

2012-01-05T23:52:00.000-08:00

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Happy 30th Birthday to the Commodore 64! It's hard to believe it's been three decades. I remember when it came out; I was in the middle of programming my first games for the Apple ][. Soon, they were ported to the 64. Lots of bad memories of file transfers bit at a time via the Apple's joystick port to the 64's IO port through Bob Heitman's ingenious cable and software! Thanks, Bob!
http://bit.ly/yJPTv7

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

I finally figured out why I'm fat. For years I've used a shampoo labeled "for extra body." I'm going to switch to Dawn dishwashing soap because it says, "Dissolves hard to remove fat!"

What did the dentist say after giving a dental cleaning in exchange for oral sex? "Those are the whitest teeth I've ever come across!"

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[cyberjoke3000] January 5, 2012

2012-01-04T23:43:00.000-08:00

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Michael Chrisman "aimed" a pinhole camera at Toronto's skyline, then left it alone for a year. Light crept through the pinhole, slowly building an exposure on a piece of photosensitive paper. Here it is, along with the story of how it was made:
http://bit.ly/weqm6x

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Things I'll Tell My Grandchildren: I'm older than anything you can't live without. I used phones with wires attached. I'm older than the Internet. I've bought 78s, 45s, LPs, CDs and MP3s, sometimes of the same song. I was born in another millennium.

"Mom, what's 'incestuous buggery' mean?" "You pederast your father."

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[cyberjoke3000] January 4, 2012

2012-01-04T00:51:00.000-08:00

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Al Johnson asks: Do you miss the joy of typing on a real typewriter? Now you can experience it again (or for the first time for many of you!) with the USB Typewriter. Seriously.
http://www.usbtypewriter.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Help Wanted: Personal psychic for wealthy client. Salary: $10K/wk + bonuses. Free meals & accommodation. Company car. 8 wks paid leave/year. Generous pension. You should know where to apply.

Why don't blondes water ski? Because, as soon as their crotches get wet, they lie down!

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[cyberjoke3000] January 3, 2012

2012-01-02T23:55:00.000-08:00

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

What better name could you select for this collection of short video clips than "Living on the Edge"? Frighteningly awesome!
http://www.flixxy.com/living-on-the-edge.htm

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Wife: "Honey, I want you to whisper dirty things to me." Husband: "Kitchen, living room, bathroom..."

A priest, a pedophile, and a rapist walked into a bar. Then he ordered a drink.

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[cyberjoke3000] January 2, 2012

2012-01-02T00:43:00.000-08:00

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Here’s a New Year’s Resolution you can keep: every Monday morning, enjoy ten sight gags!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=3171

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

My New Year’s resolutions are for a thin body and a fat bank account. Last year, I mixed them up!

Why do men pay more for car insurance? Because women don't get blow jobs while driving!

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[cyberjoke3000] December 30, 2011

2011-12-29T23:15:00.000-08:00

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Doug Bulger sends along this site of special interest to special people: Bookshelf Porn. Seriously. If you love libraries, this link's for you!
http://bookshelfporn.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

'Twas the week after Christmas and all through the house,
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled; the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties was now 'round my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
Then I walked to the store. (Less a walk than a lumber!)

I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared,
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese,
And the way I'd not said, "No, thank you, please."

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt,
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt,
I said to myself, as only I can,
"You can't spend the winter disguised as a man!"

So away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
'Til all my additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie, not even a lick.
I'll only chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie.
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore,
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

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[cyberjoke3000] December 29, 2011

2011-12-28T23:18:00.000-08:00

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Jeff Katz sends along this video of Carolyn Hopkins, a name you've never heard and a face you've never seen but whose voice you will immediately recognize: she's the voice of more than 200 airports worldwide and many train stations, weather services, etc. Now you can put a face with that voice.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8w5P_6pS9MI

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

If a farm wife leaves her husband and takes his tractor, does she write him a John Deere letter?

Women have two sets of lips: one to gripe with, the other to apologize with.

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[cyberjoke3000] December 28, 2011

2011-12-27T23:50:00.000-08:00

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Gary Orndorff sends along this modern cartoon in true Chuck Jones style: Ormie. It's the simple, 4-minute tale of a quest for cookies. Great Manciniesque music, too.
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=FrTbnczYAd4

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Sentry: "Halt! Who goes there?" "I'm an American." Sentry: "Advance and recite the words of The Star Spangled Banner!" "I don't remember them." Sentry: "You may proceed!"

One foggy Scottish morn, Craig was driving through the hills to Inverness when out of the mist, a huge red-haired highlander stepped into the middle of the road. Six foot seven and built like a tank, with a huge red beard and, despite the gale force winds and freezing temperature, wearing only a kilt and a tweed shirt. Beside him stood an absolutely beautiful, shapely, young women with fair complexion and lovely red hair. Craig's attention was diverted from the young woman when the highlander jerked opened his car door, dragged him from behind the wheel and onto the road. "Masturbate!" he ordered. "Masturbate. Now! ...Or I'll bloody kill you." Craig dropped his trousers and went to work. Thinking of that gorgeous girl standing but a few feet away, it only took him a few moments. "Right," shouted the highlander. "Now do it again!" "But... " said Craig. "Now!!" bellowed the highlander. So Craig did it again. "And now again." And again. For two hours! Craig's arms were cramped, his member was rubbed raw, and, despite the mist, wind, and cold, he had broken out in a cold sweat, a jibbering heap on the ground, unable to walk. "Again!" ordered the highlander. "Man, I just can't do it again. You're gonna have to kill me," Craig whimpered. The highlander looked down at the pathetic heap lying on the road and said, "All right, then. Kin ye give my daughter a lift to Inverness?"

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[cyberjoke3000] December 27, 2011

2011-12-26T23:42:00.000-08:00

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Now the shopping rush is over and even the after-Christmas sales have ended, it’s time you spent a little quality time with some Sight Gags!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=3161

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

"Johnny, would you like some more alphabet soup?" "No, thanks, Mom, not another word!"

I once dated a girl who was so cold that, when you spread her legs, a little light came on!

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[cyberjoke3000] December 26, 2011

2011-12-25T22:23:00.000-08:00

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

The Urban Dictionary tells me I could have covered all bases with one word: Christmahanukwanzakah. As in, “Happy Christmahanukwanzakah to all!”

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Joe bought his wife a new artificial leg for Christmas and hid it in their closet. Unfortunately, she found it and confronted him with it. “This wouldn’t happen to be my only Christmas present from you, would it?” she asked. Caught, and quickly realizing his mistake, he recovered nicely. "No, of course not, dear! It's just ...a stocking stuffer!"

The Difference Between Xmas And Chanukah: Christmas is one day, the same day every year, December 25; Chanukah is 8 days. It starts the evening of the 24^th of Kislev, whenever that it; no one knows. (Jews also love December 25 as it’s another paid holiday; we go to movies and out for Chinese food and Israeli dancing.) Christmas is a major holiday; Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays: “They tried to kill us. We survived. Let’s eat.” Christians get wonderful presents; Jews get practical presents. Christmas is always spelled the same way; no one knows how to spell Chanukah, Chanukkah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hanukkah, Hannukah, etc. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boyfriends whose partners expect special gifts; Jewish men, not so much. Christmas brings enormous electric bills; Chanukah uses candles. Christmas carols are beautiful; Chanukah songs are either about dreidels or dancing the hora. (But we’re secretly pleased that many carols were composed and performed by our tribal brethren.) Christmas homes smell wonderful with cookies and cakes baking and happy people gathered in festive moods; Chanukah homes smell of oil, potatoes, and onions and are full of loud people all talking at once, same as usual. Christian women love to bake Christmas cookies; Jewish women burn their eyes slicing onions and cut their hands grating potatoes for latkes. (More suffering.) Parents give gifts to their children on Christmas; Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding gifts on any of the eight nights. Christmas pageants feature names like Mary, Joseph, and Jesus; the Chanukah story is about Antiochus, Judah Maccabee, and Matta-whatever, which no one can spell nor pronounce. (Of course, we can tell our friends anything and they’ll believe we're fully versed in our history.) Christians believe in virgin birth; Jews think, “Yosseleh, snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant, you didn’t sleep with her, and now you want to blame God? Here’s the number of my shrink.” Recently, Christmas has grown more commercialized; ditto for Chanukah, although it’s a minor holiday. It makes sense. How could we market a major holiday such as Yom Kippur? Forget celebrating; think observing. “Come to synagogue, starve yourself for 27 hours, become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your chest and confess your sins. A guaranteed good time for the whole family. Tickets a mere $200 per person.” Nope, better stick with Chanukah!

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[cyberjoke3000] December 23, 2011

2011-12-23T00:40:00.000-08:00

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Robert Yetter sends along this Christmas flash mob concert at the University of Minnesota business school. Merry Christmas!

http://www.carlsonschool.umn.edu/holiday11

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A married couple had been Christmas shopping for hours when the wife realized she hadn't seen her husband in a long time. She called his cell phone. "Where are you?" He replied, "Darling, do you remember that jewelry shop where we saw the diamond necklace that you loved but I couldn’t afford, but promised that someday it would be yours?" She smiled and cooed, "Why, yes, darling. I sure do." Her husband said, "I’m in the bar next to that shop!"

A blonde and a brunette were in the break room, discussing last night’s company Christmas party. “So? Didja get laid?” asked the brunette. “Sure did,” said the blonde. “Twice!” “Only twice?” said the brunette, skeptically. The blonde explained, “Yeah; once by the accounting department and once by the band!"

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[cyberjoke3000] December 22, 2011

2011-12-22T00:11:00.000-08:00

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Are you a member of “the 1%”? Need a last-minute gift for that special geek? Tech Republic has the Christmas gift guide for you: "Gifts For The Top 1% Of Geeks."

http://tek.io/rHZcn7

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa!

For Christmas, Dominos is bringing out a new pizza named “Azz” because who doesn’t want a good pizza azz for Christmas?!

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[cyberjoke3000] December 21, 2011

2011-12-21T00:06:00.000-08:00

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Zadir sends along this Christmas greeting from Flixxy, courtesy of BBC One: David Attenborough reciting the lyrics to "What a Wonderful World" over beautiful images of our planet. Merry Christmas!
http://www.flixxy.com/wonderful-world-david-attenborough.htm

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

I came home today and found all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone. What sick-o would do that to an Advent calendar?!

It was late on the night of the office Christmas party and, as they held each other closely, she whispered passionately, "Oh, Arthur! You've never made love to me like that before! Is it because of the Christmas spirit?" He answered, "Not really. It's probably because I'm not Arthur!"

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[cyberjoke3000] December 20, 2011

2011-12-20T00:06:00.000-08:00

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester (and world's greatest daughter) Megan Hughes sends along the “Awkward Family Photos: Holiday Edition” from Parenting Magazine. Spread a little holiday spirit by laughing at those unwilling or unable to edit the photos they share!
http://bit.ly/vDDXYK

This year, I’ve only received eight fresh Christmas jokes so you’ll get them for the rest of this week.

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

How is Christmas like a day at the office? You do all the work and some fat man in a suit gets all the credit!

For Christmas this year, I got the usual: a shirt and a piece of a$$ ...both about two sizes too big!

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[cyberjoke3000] December 19, 2011

2011-12-19T00:49:00.000-08:00

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Only six shopping days left until the next new batch of Sight Gags!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=3151

Want a joke? Any of 6,000 jokes? Try my new joke database at http://www.allowe.com/cyberjoke.

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The hot young co-ed purred, "Professor, surely you don't think I deserve an F, do you?" Her professor answered, "Maybe not, but that's the lowest grade they let me give!"

An lady of a certain age was walking down a dimly lit street when a man jumped out of the bushes. "Give me all your money!" he demanded. "I don't have any money," she stammered. He ordered, "Give me your money or ...I'll search you!" "I don't have any money." He started searching. She gasped. "You'd better give me your money right now," he said menacingly, "or I'm really going to search you!" "But I really don't have any!" she protested. So he really searched her. "You weren't kidding," he muttered angrily. "You really don't have any money." The old woman wailed, "For god's sake, don't stop now! I'll write you a check!"

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[cyberjoke3000] December 16, 2011

2011-12-15T23:52:00.000-08:00

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

XXIT is a sci-fi short film starring Nicollette Sheridan shot completely with Canon SLR-style cameras. Even more interesting is the Making Of video (scroll down to see it) which shows how the SPX were done.
http://www.flixxy.com/xxit-sci-fi-short-film.htm

Remember: find any or all jokes at http://www.allowe.com/cyberjoke. And would it kill you to share some with your friends on Facebook? My site needs all the traffic it can get!

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

"Daddy, since your partner died this morning, can my boyfriend replace him?" "It's all right with me, Suzi, if you work it out with the undertaker!"

At a big cocktail party, an obstetrician's wife noticed an over-sexed busty blonde making over-tures at her husband. She tried to ignore it until she saw her drag her husband into a bedroom. She rushed to the room, pulled them apart, and yelled, "Look, lady! My husband delivers babies, he doesn't install them!"

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[cyberjoke3000] December 15, 2011

2011-12-15T00:45:00.000-08:00

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Where will the holiday house-lighting madness end? Something tells me this one won't be the largest for long! (And why must they always choose such unmusical music?)

http://www.flixxy.com/best-christmas-lights-display.htm

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Two friends were riding in a bus when one noticed the other had his eyes closed. "What's the matter, Bill? Are you sick?" Bill replied, "No. I just can't bear to see an old lady standing!"

Two housewives were drinking coffee. Louise said, "I woke up this morning with an awful headache. Do you have a good remedy?" Martha responded, "For my headaches, my husband is my remedy. He rubs my shoulders and neck, caresses my breasts, kisses my tummy, and... well, you can guess the rest. In no time at all, I forget all about my headache. You should try it!" Louise smiled. "Sounds great! What time does he get home?"

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[cyberjoke3000] December 14, 2011

2011-12-14T00:16:00.000-08:00

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

As a model railroader, I've followed the growth of Miniatur Wunderland for years. If you haven't seen it lately, check out this video. This is truly world-class modeling:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ACkmg3Y64_s

If you didn’t try out my website’s new searchable joke database yesterday, try it now. Be sure to share it on Facebook, Twitter, or your other social networks. Click this link, search, laugh, and share with your friends.
http://www.allowe.com/cyberjoke

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A physician treated an extremely sick child until, eventually, the child recovered. A few days later, the grateful mother called at his office. Expressing her appreciation, she remarked that his services were such that they could never be fully repaid. "But I do hope you'll accept as a token of my thanks, this purse which I embroidered myself." The doctor didn't take it, saying coldly, "I'm sorry, but my fees must be paid in cash. Gifts maintain friendships; they cannot maintain a medical practice." "What is your fee?" asked the mother. "A thousand dollars." She opened the purse, pulled out a wad of hundred-dollar bills, counted out ten, laid them on his desk, put the rest back in the purse, and walked out, taking the purse and the other nine thousand dollars with her.

"Wow, Bill! What happened to you? Where'd you get that black eye?" "From a bridegroom, for kissing his bride after the ceremony." "What? Why would he object to that old custom?" "Well, the ceremony was five years ago!"

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[cyberjoke3000] December 12, 2011

2011-12-12T00:01:00.000-08:00

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Hustling and bustling through holiday shopping, running to parties – take a little time for yourself this season and enjoy a few sight gags:

http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=3141

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

There was a big convention in town and every hotel room was booked. "Please. Any room will do. I'm beat," declared the young man. The clerk responded, "Well, I could put a cot in our ballroom, but there's a lady in the opposite corner. If you don't make any noise, she'll never know." "Great. I'll take it." Five minutes later, the young man was back at the front desk. "Hey! That women in there is dead!" The clerk answered, "Yes, I know. But how did you find that out?!"

An Indian lad asked, “Mom, why is my brother named 'Mighty Storm'?" She replied, “Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.” “Oh. Then why is my sister named 'Cornflower'?" “Because your father and I were in a cornfield when she was conceived.” “Oh. I see." “Why are you so curious, Torn Rubber?”

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[cyberjoke3000] December 9, 2011

2011-12-08T22:17:00.000-08:00

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Here's a video of a giant flock of starlings (more properly called a "murmuration of starlings") performing an amazing aerial ballet to the music of Pacelbel's Canon. Be sure to watch in high def and full screen.
http://www.flixxy.com/amazing-starlings.htm

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Last night I entered a restaurant in a rough neighborhood and was immediately hit in the head by a shrimp cocktail. As I jerked around, some guy yelled, "And that's just for starters!"

Tony died and was sent to heaven. Saint Peter told him that, because he had cheated on his taxes, he could not enter heaven right away. But "if you will sleep with a fat, ugly woman for five years and enjoy it, then you can get in." Tony decided that was a small price to pay for eternity in heaven, so off he went with his enormous new friend, pretending to be happy. Soon he saw his old buddy Carlos up ahead, with an even fatter, uglier woman. "Carlos? What happened to you?" Carlos replied, "I cheated on my taxes even more then you but in ten years, I'll get to enter heaven." As they commiserated their fates, they spotted their old friend, Jon, with a gorgeous supermodel. Stunned, they asked Jon how he ended up with a goddess while they ended up with two hippos. Jon replied, "I have no idea, but I'm not complaining. She's fun and the sex is great! But there is one strange thing: every night, after our sexual escapades, she rolls over and murmurs, 'Damn taxes!' "

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[cyberjoke3000] December 8, 2011

2011-12-07T20:31:00.000-08:00

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Some artists use paint, others use bronze, but Nathan Sawaya builds awe-inspiring art out of LEGO bricks. He recently appeared at Google's Zeitgeist conference.
http://brickartist.com

His gallery is here:
http://www.brickartist.com/gallery.html

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

I got thrown out of the soup kitchen last night. All I said was, "Can you hurry up with the meal? I gotta get home!"

I feel so old. In my day, kids found their dad's porn stash. Today, kids find my porn cache!

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[cyberjoke3000] December 7, 2011

2011-12-06T22:42:00.000-08:00

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

You’re pushing the limits of wingsuit flying when you can shake hands with your own shadow! Here's some of the best proximity flying footage ever. I love these videos; I just wish I had the nerve to try it.
http://www.flixxy.com/proximity-flying-2011.htm

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Tour guide: "This building has stood untouched for a thousand years." Tourist: "They must have our same landlord!"

How is a chorus girl different during the day and the night? During the day, she's fair and buxom...

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[cyberjoke3000] December 6, 2011

2011-12-05T23:56:00.000-08:00

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

What would you do at an Austrian ski resort in the summer when there's no snow? How about ride on a monorail roller coaster without braking? CyberJokester Jim Merriam shares this video from the Mieders Alpine Coaster.

http://bit.ly/vktFof

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

"Dear, did you sew that button on my coat?" "No, I couldn't find a button so I just sewed up the buttonhole!"

Sarah Silverman says: "I dreamt I was raped by a doctor. For a Jewish girl, it was so bittersweet."

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Submit your jokes for CyberJoke 3000™ here.
Send your comments and feedback here.

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[cyberjoke3000] December 5, 2011

2011-12-04T22:43:00.000-08:00

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Less than three weeks left until... no, wait. We’ll never run out of sight gags!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=3131

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Husband: "The bank returned your check!" Wife: "Great! Now what can we buy with it this time?"

She fell into his arms. He looked deep into her eyes. Their lips met. One thing led to another. Afterwards, she murmured, "You know, Tom, this is the first time I've ever done anything like this." Tom replied, "Wow, you sure did inherit a lot of experience!"

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Submit your jokes for CyberJoke 3000™ here.
Send your comments and feedback here.

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[cyberjoke3000] December 2, 2011

2011-12-02T00:14:00.000-08:00

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

I watched yesterday’s time lapse sequences from the International Space Station less than 24 hours before I sent it to you, but by then it was gone. Here’s the same clip on YouTube and, as of right now, it’s still there! Be sure to watch full screen in high def.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ip2ZGND1I9Q

CyberJokester Albert van der Sluis sends along these handy keystroke time-savers: Ctrl-Backspace will delete the previous whole word; Ctrl-Left & Right Arrow Keys will move by words instead of by spaces; Ctrl-Up & Down Arrow Keys will move by paragraphs; and, Ctrl-Left-Click on links in your browser will open that link in a new tab. All handy tips that I personally use every day!

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The doctor ordered the nurse to "get the victim's name so we can notify his family." She returned a few minutes later. "He said his family already knows his name!"

Did you hear about the guy who accidentally swigged from a bottle of WhiteOut instead of from his bottle of liquid Viagra? He got a huge correction!

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Submit your jokes for CyberJoke 3000™ here.
Send your comments and feedback here.

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[cyberjoke3000] December 1, 2011

2011-11-30T23:52:00.000-08:00

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Here are some stunning time lapse sequences taken recently from the International Space Station. Be sure to watch full screen in high def. There's a list describing the location of the shots below the video.
http://www.flixxy.com/the-best-hd-view-of-earth-from-space-ever.htm

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

He: "Women are so strange; they'll say they went shopping when they don't buy a thing." She: "Yeah, and men say they're fishing when they don't catch a thing!"

Did you hear about Dykies, a new running shoe just for lesbians? The tongues are extra long!

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Submit your jokes for CyberJoke 3000™ here.
Send your comments and feedback here.

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[cyberjoke3000] November 30, 2011

2011-11-29T23:31:00.000-08:00

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Mitch sends along this pertinent page of Amazon reviews on a product recently in the news: pepper spray. It's another list of creative black humor.

http://amzn.to/w0D03i

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A little boy was in the habit of saying "darn." His mother did not approve. "John, see this dollar bill? I'll give it to you if you promise not to say 'darn' again." "Okay, Mom," said Little Johnny. "I promise." But as he stared at the money, he got an evil grin. "Hey, Mom. I know a word that's worth a twenty!"

The new maid complained to her mistress, "Ma'am, it's your husband. Every time he sees me he wants to touch me, to kiss me, to have me sit on his lap…." Madam interrupted, "Oh, Mary. Don't let that bother you -- just go on with your housework. He used to try that same sh¡t with me!"

To hear jokes instead of reading them, download "Al's Comedy Club" for your iPhone, iPod, or iPad. It's less than a buck!

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To contact me
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Submit your jokes for CyberJoke 3000™ here.
Send your comments and feedback here.

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