Joke For All: December 2012

Sunday, December 30, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] December 31, 2012

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Be careful out there tonight; as Ed McMahon used to say, New Year’s is the night when all the amateur drunks are out.
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=3661

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Tex died with his boots on. Too bad that one of them was on the accelerator at the time.

One night after choir practice, when they were alone, the fundamentalist minister, tempted for months, finally propositioned the sexy choir director. She enthusiastically replied, "Where, Reverend?" "How about right here, on the floor?" "No. Too cold. How about standing up?" "No way. If anyone saw us, they'd think we were dancing!"

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I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.

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Thursday, December 27, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] December 28, 2012

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Don Bostwick sends along this amazing look at the final power-up of the flight deck of the space shuttle Endeavour, including the thousands of signatures near the entrance. The page links to similar pages on Discovery and launch photos.

http://www.launchphotography.com/Endeavour_Flight_Deck.html

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A tribe of South American natives worships the number zero. Is nothing sacred?

"Nadine, you look tired today. Late night?" Nadine replied, "Late night and strange day. While gardening yesterday, I found a lamp. I rubbed it and out popped a genie. He offered me a choice: I could either have an excellent memory or my boyfriend could have a bigger pen¡s." "So? Which did you choose?" "I don't remember!"

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Wednesday, December 26, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] December 27, 2012

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Wallace Krebs sends along Jimmy Kimmel's year-end compilation of the best “Unnecessary Censorships” of 2012. It just goes to show you that bleeping is funnier than hearing!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kVoeZtM-7uA

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Who was the first female financier? Pharaoh's daughter because she went down to the banks of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Mom walked in and caught Little Johnny in the bathtub, wanking away. "John! What are you doing?" she said. Little Johnny replied, "Mom, it's mine and I'll wash it as fast as I want!"

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Tuesday, December 25, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] December 26, 2012

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Gary Orndorff sends along this amazing video showing a life-saving rescue of a humpback whale in the Sea of Cortez.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EBYPlcSD490

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Phil Hanley says: Sometimes I'll be on a date with a girl and she'll ask me about my last relationship, like "who broke up with who?" I say, "Well, if I broke up with her, I wouldn't be crying. And we wouldn't be parked in front of her house!"

How do women get minks? The same way minks get minks!

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[cyberjoke3000] December 25, 2012

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Merry Christmas!

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

What if the three wise men had been three wise women? They would have arrived in time to help deliver the baby because they would have asked for directions. They would have made a casserole, cleaned the stable, and given practical gifts like disposable diapers. But, after they left, they would have made comments like: "Did you see the sandals Mary wore? With that robe?!" "I hear Joseph is out of work." "How about that drummer boy? He can beat my drum any time!" "That donkey they rode in on has seen better days." "Virgin, my foot; I knew her in school!" "That baby doesn't look a thing like Joseph!" And, "I bet I never see that casserole dish again!"

My wife says I'm insensitive and never buy her anything for Christmas. Boy, will she be surprised this year when she opens her ''Miss Piggy'' sweatsuit!

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Monday, December 24, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] December 24, 2012

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Thanks to all who informed me that the video of French magician Yann Frisch that I sent out last week was deleted. I searched YouTube for the phrase "French Magician Yann Frisch" and found several new versions, one of which is here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2JI03MW3Oms

CyberJokester Peter M. Slocombe sends along this heart-warming video of the "Landfillharmonic," an orchestra of homeless students whose families eek a living out of the local landfill. This story is so encouraging and remarkable enough to brighten your day. An amazing example of the human spirit at its best! Merry Christmas!
http://vimeo.com/52711779

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Last minute Christmas gift giving is easy; just give them an empty box with a note reading, "Sorry, but the world was supposed to end so I didn't get you anything. Damn you, Mayans!"

A Letter to Santa Claus

Dear Santa,

How are you? I am fine. How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from reindeer to elves, is fine. I've been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 5 for Christmas. I hope you remember that, come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,

Timmy Jones

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Dear Timmy,

Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer, and the elves are all fine and send their thanks to you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried about all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can play with outside.

Merry Christmas,

Santa Claus

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Dear Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. nice" contract set by you, I'm confident that you can see your way clear to granting me my simple request. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Plus, isn't a jibe about my weight rather trite, coming from an overweight man who only goes outside once a year?

Respectfully,

Tim Jones

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Dear Mr. Jones,

While I acknowledge you meet the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way a guarantee of services provided? Should you wish to pursue legal action, that is your right, but know that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than pleased to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise to which I alluded will not only improve your health, but also your social skills and potentially your complexion, which most days looks like the bottom of a Burger King fry bin.

Very Truly Yours,

S Claus

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Look here, Fat Man:

I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I tried to be polite but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you're just disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my buds. We'll be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHATEVER I WANT, MAN!

T-Bone

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Listen Pizza Face,

Seriously? You think a dude who can break into every house in the world in one night without getting caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? Remember that "sees you when you're sleeping, knows when you're awake" stuff? I got your sh¡t wired, Jack. I go all around the world and I see ways to hurt people that, if I described them right now, you'd throw up your pizza rolls all over your Mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still gonna stop by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.

S Clizzy

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Dear Santa,

Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.

Timmy

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Timmy,

That's what I thought, you little sh¡t!

Santa

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Thursday, December 20, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] December 21, 2012

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Those of you who believed in the Mayan apocalypse had better get started with your Christmas shopping! But wouldn’t it have been funny if all the power companies had turned off all their power for about ten minutes today?!

What can slight of hand artist Yann Frisch do with simple cups and balls? Four minutes of award-winning magic good enough to win the 2012 Beijing International Magic.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gYNm3MfNvYU

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

What do Jews do under the mistletoe? Bupkis!

Why is Santa's sack always bulging? Because he only comes once a year!

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Wednesday, December 19, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] December 20, 2012

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

What happens when you ignore restricted height warning signs? This railway bridge in Durham, North Carolina may be the toughest bridge in the world. So far, it's undefeated!

http://www.flixxy.com/worlds-toughest-bridge.htm#.ULgL8qz2V8E

If you don’t get your CyberJoke 3000™ tomorrow, I guess the Mayans were right. But it was sure fun while it lasted!

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

When told that Christmas is on a Friday, the blonde replied, "I hope it's not the 13th!"

Every year Santa goes to your house, down your chimney, and watches you while you sleep. Everyone adores him. But I do it just one time and...

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Tuesday, December 18, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] December 19, 2012

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

GoPro makes hardy little solid-state video cameras favored by skiers, surfers, divers, bikers, kayakers, pilots, etc! Here are five minutes of their best sports action footage yet!

http://www.flixxy.com/the-best-of-gopro-hero3.htm#.ULgMAKz2V8E

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Preparing for the Christmas season, a pastor decided he have a banner made for the entryway. He asked a parishioner to order it. The parishioner called the sign company and gave them the message needed and the dimensions. The sign arrived a few days later, reading, "Unto Mary, Jesus was born, two feet wide and six feet long!"

Tampax replaced the string on their tampons with tinsel. Better buy it quick as it's only available for the Christmas period!

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Monday, December 17, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] December 18, 2012

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Jeffrey Katz sends along the current flight safety video on Air New Zealand. Before you skip it, did I mention it features the cast of The Hobbit?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aAlZLDy7IIc

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

How many reindeer does it take to change a light bulb? Eight; one to screw in the light bulb, and seven to hold down Rudolph!

A family, waiting for Santa to arrive on Christmas Eve, grew bored. The kids decided to play upstairs while Mom and Dad waited downstairs. After a long time, the son yelled downstairs, "Mom? Is Santa coming?" "I'm not sure," shouted the distracted wife, "but he's panting pretty hard!"

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[cyberjoke3000] December 17, 2012

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Finished all your Christmas shopping? Me, neither. Let’s enjoy this instead:
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=3651

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop. The man got the full treatment: manicure, shave, shampoo, haircut, everything. Then he placed the boy in the chair and said, "I need to buy a new pair of running shoes before tomorrow's race. I'll be right back." The barber completed the boy's haircut, but the man still hadn't returned. "Looks like your daddy's forgotten about you," he told the boy. "Oh, that wasn't my dad. He just walked up, took my hand, and said, 'Come on, kid, let's get a free haircut!' "

How do you know when a witch is on her period? She flies around on a mop!

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Thursday, December 13, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] December 14, 2012

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Keeping with the holiday musical spirit, here's the best worst Christmas vocal recording: "Oh, Holy Night," by Steve Mauldin. It's anything but (holy)! Warning: you may never again be able to hear this song without breaking out in a goofy grin!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mk4woNRD7NQ
And here's Steve's explanation of why he recorded it:
http://bit.ly/115Tzff

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Last night at the bar, I saw a fat girl dancing on a table. I told her, "Good legs!" She smiled. "Do you really think so?" I said, "Yep. Most tables would have collapsed by now!"

"Doc, now that I've recovered from bypass surgery can I start having sex?" The doctor replied, "Yes, but only with your wife. Your heart's not ready for any excitement!"

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Joke For All

Sunday, December 30, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] December 31, 2012

Thursday, December 27, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] December 28, 2012

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] December 27, 2012

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] December 26, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] December 25, 2012

Monday, December 24, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] December 24, 2012

A Letter to Santa Claus

Thursday, December 20, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] December 21, 2012

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] December 20, 2012

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] December 19, 2012

Monday, December 17, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] December 18, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] December 17, 2012

Thursday, December 13, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] December 14, 2012

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