Sunday, May 31, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] June 1, 2009



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

June is here. School lets out. Days grow long. But sight gags go on forever!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=1831

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A seal sat down at the bar. The bartender asked, "What'll it be?" The seal said, "Anything but a Canadian Club on the rocks!"

How do you know if it's your turn to wash the dishes and clean the house? Look inside your pants; if you see a d¡ck, it's not!


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Thursday, May 28, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] May 29, 2009



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester David Lipkin send me back to my past. Watch as a 1964 acoustic modem connects via a 1980 telephone to the 2009 Internet... at a blazing 300 baud! (Not 3Mb, or 3Kb, but 300.) Yes, kiddies, this is how Grandpa Al first went online, over 30 years ago.
http://tinyurl.com/ouwcku

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Sales of "The Flintstones" DVDs in the Middle East have been mixed; people in Saudi Arabia don't get it... but people in Abu Dhabi do!

Irish they were... and drunk for sure! They sat in the comer of Mulligan's refurbished bar, opposite a huge new floor-to-ceiling mirror. Suddenly Pat spotted their reflection across the room. "Mick! Mick!" he whispered. "Don't look now, but there's two fellas over there that's the image of us!" "In the name of God," said Mick, spotting the reflection, "and they're wearing identical clothes, too." "That does it," said Pat. "I'm gonna buy 'em a drink." But as Pat rose from his seat, Mick stopped him. "Sit down, Patty! One of 'em's coming over here!"


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[cyberjoke3000] May 28, 2009



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Gary Orndorff sends along this interesting video showing how the International Space Station has been assembled:
http://i.usatoday.net/tech/graphics/iss_timeline/flash.htm

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Paddy called an airline to book a flight. The operator asked, "How many people are flying with you?" Paddy replied, "How should I know? It's your friggin' plane!"

On a quiet walk by the lake, a little boy asked a question that had long troubled him, "Mommy, why am I black when you're white?" His mother relied, "Don't go there. From what little I can remember about that party, you're lucky you don't bark!"


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Tuesday, May 26, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] May 27, 2009



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Dan Tender sends along "Maybe You Shouldn't Buy That," a web site devoted to some of the most expensive, yet worthless, junk in the world:
http://maybeyoushouldntbuythat.com/

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A jazz trio opened its club date with a classic bebop tune at fleet tempo, then performed a Wayne Shorter composition filled with mysterious harmonies, poignant melodies and daring improvisation, and followed that with a medley of lesser-known Harold Arlen compositions played with exquisite taste. The audience sensed the vibe; sensitivity filled the space. Then a man stumbled to the bandstand and asked, "Can you play 'Lara's Theme' from Dr. Zhivago?" The pianist politely replied, "We're jazz musicians; we don't take requests." The man pulled out three hundred dollar bills and laid them on the piano. The pianist mumbled to the bass player and drummer, "Lara's Theme in G." They played it beautifully, even though it obviously did not present the same challenge as the trio's regular repertoire. As the pianist played, he absent-mindedly gazed at the soundboard of his Steinway and wondered how its tonal characteristics would be altered if the grain of the soundboard ran perpendicular to the strings instead of parallel? As the bass player amused himself with an assortment of well-placed double-stops and harmonics, he wondered about the top of his mid-nineteenth century double bass, made by the French master, Paul Claudot, "How many times has this top been varnished? And how did the varnish of the past differ from today's? How would its resonance be affected if it had no varnish?" The drummer gazed onto the single ply, medium weight drumhead of his 1950s vintage black oyster pearl snare drum and thought, "One, two, three. One, two, three. One, two..."

Mick ran into Paddy in the street. "Paddy, will you be drawing your bedroom curtains before ya make love to your wife in the future?" "Bejaysus! Why?" asked Paddy. "Because," said Mick, "the whole street was laughing atcha when they saw you making love yesterday afternoon." Paddy replied, "Stupid bastards! The laugh's on them. I wasn't home yesterday afternoon!"


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[cyberjoke3000] May 26, 2009



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Remember the drive-thru raps? Rhett & Link staged a Taco Bell Drive-Thru folk song! But watch the order taker steal the show!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-uwY3sjqYX0

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Many years ago, a Danish couple converted to Mormonism and moved to rural Utah. A few years later, Mr. Madsen decided to take another wife. Mrs. Madsen disliked the idea, so he talked his neighbor, a Swedish immigrant farmer named Olson, into helping him. "Woman, we shall go into the barn and pray for guidance on our decision," said Mr. Madsen. "And whatever God tells us, that's what we'll do." The Madsens knelt in the barn. Mr. Madsen prayed aloud, "Heavenly Father, shall I take another wife?" Farmer Olson's voice boomed down from the rafters, "Brother Madsen, I command thee to take another wife." Mrs. Madsen sobbed uncontrollably. He comforted her, saying, "There, there, dear. A second wife will be an addition to the family. She will never replace you. I'll always love you just as much." Mrs. Madsen sobbed through her tears, "Oh, I don't care if you take a second wife. I just can't believe God is a Swede!"

Did you hear about the nurse who swallowed a razor blade? She gave herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, circumcised three doctors on her shift and sliced up another nurse's tongue!


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Monday, May 25, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] May 25, 2009



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Happy Memorial Day to those of you in the United States! To everyone else: Happy Monday! Here are your sight gags for this week:
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=1821

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Billy Bob bought hisself one lottery ticket and danged if he didn't win! When he went to claim his $20 million, the lottery official told him, "Sir, we'll give you one million today and then one million a year for the next nineteen years." Billy Bob said, "Oh, no ya don't. I want all my money right now!" Again, the official explained, "I'm sorry, but it's a million a year for twenty years." Billy Bob was furious. "Dangit, if I don't get my twenty million right now, then I want my dollar back!"

"Special Relationship," the forthcoming movie about the Clinton White House and the Monica Lewinsky scandal, is facing delays. The producers want to audition another hundred actresses for Monica's role!


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Thursday, May 21, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] May 22, 2009



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Need to find a free WiFi hotspot in a strange city? This site is for you:
http://www.free-hotspot.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The most powerful politician in the world is black. The best golfer in the world is black. The best female tennis player is black. The fastest racing driver in the world is black. The best sprinter in the world is black. Michael Jackson must be kicking himself!

What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water? "It may take me a while to get hard; I just got laid by a chick!"


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[cyberjoke3000] May 21, 2009



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Anytime a T-shirt gets 300+ customer reviews on Amazon, you know there's something funny going on. Man, is there! One review is funnier than the next! Check out "3 Wolf Shirt":
http://tinyurl.com/pbgn94

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The disgusted cop, questioning a suspect with a known criminal history, finally said, "When you look at yourself in the mirror, don't you feel sick?" The crook replied, "Sure, but I take something for it." The cop asked, "What?" The crook said, "Money!"

The bartender noticed a guy sitting at the bar was pouring his drink into the palm of his hand. "What in the hell are you doing?" he asked. The man looked up and said, "Getting my date drunk!"


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Tuesday, May 19, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] May 20, 2009



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Envious of your Mac buddies' program dock? One-up them with CircleDock, a free program that puts your favorite programs a click away, right under your current mouse location.
http://circledock.wikidot.com/start

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

My wife and I are planning a trip to India. She wants to visit the Taj Mahal. I want to meet the guy who's been fixing my computer!

Woman will never be truly satisfied until men have chocolate pen¡ses that ejaculate money!


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[cyberjoke3000] May 20, 2009



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Seattle Graham sends along this wonderful sight filled with the worst family photographs you've ever seen, plus delightfully witty captions that had me literally laughing out loud.
http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A teenager came downstairs all dressed up for her date: bare midriff, short tight skirt, exposed cleavage... she thought she looked great. "So, Mom? How do I look?" she asked. Her mother replied, "Well, if I had gone out dressed like that when I was your age, you'd be five years older!"

Three guys were debating who had the best memory. The first one claimed, "I remember my first day of kindergarten." The second boasted, "I remember speaking my first word!" The third exclaimed, "I remember going to the senior prom with my father and coming home with my mother!"


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Sunday, May 17, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] May 18, 2009



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

It's a nice spring morning. Why would you want to work? Take a break. Enjoy some sight gags!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=1811

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A patrolman pulled over a speeding driver. As he approached the car, he noticed the driver put something in his mouth. "Did you just swallow something?" "Yep. A birth control pill," said the driver. "Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman. The driver answered, "Yes. When I saw your flashing lights, I knew I was gonna get screwed!"

A lil' ol' Texas lady received an obscene phone call. "If you can guess what's in my hand, I'll give to you," panted voice on the phone. "Listen, boy," drawled the woman, "if it fits in your hand, I ain't interested!"


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Friday, May 15, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] May 15, 2009



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Tony Savage sends along this fun site where you can type in any text and get a photo of Albert Einstein writing your text on his blackboard.
http://www.hetemeel.com/einsteinform.php

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Lawsuit-Proof Personnel Recommendations: "In my opinion, you'll be fortunate to get this person to work for you." "I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever." "I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine." "I can assure you that no person would be better for the job." "I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment." "All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly."

Behind every great man is a great woman. Behind every great woman is a man staring at her a$$!


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Wednesday, May 13, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] May 14, 2009



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Think you know how to ride a bicycle? Let's see you do this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z19zFlPah-o

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

What is the range of a tuba? About twenty feet, depending on your arm!

Why is it a good thing that men fall asleep after sex? It gives women a chance to properly finish the job!


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Tuesday, May 12, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] May 13, 2009



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Switching to Office 2007 but hate the new ribbon bar? Love those good ol' fashioned Word menus? uBit can help with this free non-commercial download that puts the menu bar back:
http://www.ubit.ch/software/ubitmenu-languages/

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

I learned how my wedded life would be during our marriage ceremony. When the minister asked my wife, "Do you take this man to be your husband?" she responded, "I do." But when the minister asked me, "Do you take this woman to be your wife?" she answered, "He does!"

Last night, a short time after having sex with my girlfriend, I said to her, "Do you think you're ready for round two?" She replied, "No, but I wouldn't mind the rest of round one!"


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Monday, May 11, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] May 12, 2009



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

This video is a perfect example of why I have yet to start Twittering:
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1909386

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Some people spend their whole life sitting in bars. Why, just yesterday, some guy sat beside me for eleven hours!

How do New Zealanders practice safe sex? They spray paint an "X" on the back of any sheep that kicks!


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Sunday, May 10, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] May 11, 2009



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Happy that you've still got your job? Unhappy that it's Monday morning again already? I'm sure your boss will understand if you waste just a few minutes this week enjoying your weekly sight gags!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=1801

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

"How's your new job going with CocaCola Arabia?" "Not so well. I don't know how to speak Arabic so I created a three-part sales poster: the left part showed a man lying in the hot desert sand, totally exhausted. The middle part showed him enjoying a delicious CocaCola. The right part showed him totally refreshed." "Good idea!" said his friend. "What's wrong with that?" The salesman replied, "Who knew that Arabs read from right to left?!"

Deja Pu: the feeling that you've seen this sh¡t before!


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Thursday, May 7, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] May 8, 2009



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Matthew Kerr sends along this trailer he created for "Brokeback Strangers," combining "Brokeback Mountain" and "Perfect Strangers." A well-done spoof!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Q5Pks6H0xM

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Walking every day adds minutes to your life so, when you're 90-years-old, you can spend an extra few months in a nursing home at $8,000 per month!

"Honey, this economy is killing us. So I had to get you this imitation tennis bracelet, instead of the diamond one you wanted. Please understand, sweetheart. You can pretend it's real." "Oh, I understand," she pouted. "And tonight in bed you can pretend I'm under you!"


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Download this barcode (WWW or SMS) and print it anywhere you want to make people laugh.

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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