Joke For All: August 2012

Friday, August 31, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] August 31, 2012

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

If you use Chrome, you'll love this tip: have you noticed the tiny microphone icon at the right end of Google's search fields? Click it to speak your searches. Usually faster than typing and quite accurate. And if you haven't tried Chrome yet, you should. You may just like it better. I know I do.
https://www.google.com/chrome

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A young couple was discussing their upcoming marriage ceremony with their pastor. He asked, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?" There was a long pause. Finally, the girl punched the apprehensive young man and said, "Say 'Yes'!"

"What wrong with you? You've been married for three years and still I have no grandchildren!" "I just don't know, Mom! Billy tries all the time, but I have a lot of trouble swallowing!"

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.

AL
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Wednesday, August 29, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] August 30, 2012

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Besides being a Charter CyberJokester, Neil J. Rubenking is also Lead Analyst for Security for PC Magazine. Neil’s article on the Java threat I mentioned yesterday explains a more reliable technique for disabling Java in Internet Explorer and how you can be sure it is really off:
http://bit.ly/O4zT3z

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Two blondes walked into a tanning salon. "We want a tan for two, please." The clerk said, "Okay," and filled out a form for them. "Are you two sisters?" One replied, "Heck, no. We ain't even Catholic!"

Of course gay men dress well. They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing!

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AL
Laugh at www.allowe.com
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[cyberjoke3000] August 29, 2012

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Perhaps you've heard about the new Java vulnerability that allows an infected site to execute harmful code on your computer just by visiting their site. Not many websites use Java anymore, so you may just want to disable it. Here's how: in Chrome, type into the address bar "chrome://plugins/" and press "Enter," scroll down to Java and click the word "Disable" immediately below it. In Firefox, go to Tools - Add-ons, click "Plugins", and disable anything that starts with "Java." In Internet Explorer, go to Tools - Manage Add-ons, then "Toolbars and Extensions". At the bottom of the left column, beside "Show:" choose "All add-ons," scroll down the list on the right and disable any that start with "Java." Learn more here:

http://bit.ly/SOtCyc

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A Higgs boson tried to enter a cathedral, but a priest stopped him. "I'm sorry, but we don't allow Higgs bosons in here." The Higgs boson replied, "But without me, how can you have mass?"

How can you identify a paranoid woman? She's the one putting a condom on her vibrator!

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AL
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Tuesday, August 28, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] August 28, 2012

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Here's a kitchen trick that blew me away by its simplicity: how to separate an egg yolk and white instantly and perfectly. Watch this; it only takes 15 seconds!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B4E_9iAU3RI

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The doctor answered the phone call from an anxious patient. "Doctor, I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I took too much insulin this morning," she said. He asked her, "Are you light-headed?" She answered, "No, I'm blonde!"

Did you hear about the new gay sit-com coming this fall? It's called "Leave It, It's Beaver!"

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AL
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Sunday, August 26, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] August 27, 2012

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Is your convention stymied by a hurricane? Unable to select a presidential candidate? Have some sight gags instead!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=3491

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

What's the worst thing about getting a new boomerang? Throwing away the old one!

He said I'd look more attractive if I were shaved. He said I'd love the nakedness. He said it was stylish. He said I'd feel cleaner. He said it wouldn't hurt. He said he'd been thinking about it for a long time. He said he would do it himself. He said he'd be careful. He said he'd go slowly. He said he was ready to begin. He said I should lie down. He said he'd help me relax. He said he loved me. When he was done, he said he adored how it looked. He said he was pleased with his work. He said he needed to take me out to show me off, so people could see me this way. He said it would be fun. I said... well, actually, I didn't say anything. Poodles can't talk!

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AL
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For free jokes daily, send a blank email here

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Thursday, August 23, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] August 24, 2012

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Asylum is a classic horror adventure game by Agustín Cordes, starring my buddy, Josh Mandel. Download the interactive teaser here:
http://www.facethehorror.com/teaser

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A middle-aged man didn't feel well, so he went in for a complete physical. Afterwards, the doctor said, "I believe the best course for you is to cut out all sweets and fatty foods, stop smoking, and give up alcohol." The man replied, "Doc, I don't deserve the best. What's second best?"

What happens when there's a fire at the whorehouse? Some come out running and some run out coming!

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AL
Laugh at www.allowe.com
For free jokes daily, send a blank email here

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[cyberjoke3000] August 23, 2012

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Beloit College created its Mindset List in 1998 to encourage faculty members to "watch your references." It reflects the world view of entering freshmen. Here is this year's list for the class of 2016, most of whom were born in 1994:
http://www.beloit.edu/mindset/2016
And you can see all the previous lists here:
http://www.beloit.edu/mindset

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

"Jill, look at those two men sitting alone at that table." "So?" "Well, we're two women sitting alone at a table. What does that add up to?" "Four losers?"

A man noticed a young woman, sitting all by herself at the movies, with both hands under her skirt, stimulating herself furiously. He moved to the seat beside her and offered his help. She accepted and the man really gave her a go until he tired and withdrew his hand. She then went back to work on herself. "What's wrong?" he asked. "Wasn't I good enough?" "You were great," she said, "but these crabs are still itching!"

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AL
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For free jokes daily, send a blank email here

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Tuesday, August 21, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] August 22, 2012

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

I was saddened to learn today of the death of comedienne Phyllis Diller. I grew up watching her on TV and loved her perfect timing and self-deprecating humor. Today's first joke is a collection of just a few of her best one-liners.

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Some jokes from the late Phyllis Diller: I realized on our first anniversary that my marriage was in trouble. My husband gave me luggage. It was packed! I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then boo! I never made Who's Who, but I did make What's That?! I spent two hours today at the beauty salon -- and that was just for the estimate! I'm so ugly, I once worked as a lampshade in a whorehouse! Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight! A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once! Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room! I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them! My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee! Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves! You know you're old when your blood type is “Discontinued!” You know you're old when your walker has an airbag! The best contraceptive for old people is nudity! Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing! The real reason your golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you! Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle: keep away from children!

Last week, I received an invitation to a charity event for people who struggle to reach orgasm. If you can't come, let them know!

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AL
Laugh at www.allowe.com
For free jokes daily, send a blank email here

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[cyberjoke3000] August 21, 2012

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Wallace Krebs says the crowdsourced fundraising is halfway to their goal of securing Nicola Tesla's laboratory to use as a museum to his work! Go here to contribute $25 or more:

http://www.indiegogo.com/teslamuseum
If you don't know who Nicola Tesla was, you should. Read about him here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nikola_Tesla

And more here:

http://theoatmeal.com/comics/tesla

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A student wanted early admission to an advanced course. After easily passing a written exam, he was given a personal interview. The interviewer found him bright, answering every question correctly. To cut to the chase, the interviewer offered, "In conclusion, I will ask you either ten easy questions or one difficult one. Which do you want?" The boy immediately answered, "One difficult question." "Okay, then. Good luck. Tell me: What comes first, day or night?" The stunned boy paused only a moment before answering, "Day, sir." "How?" asked the interviewer, certain that the lad couldn't respond. The boy answered, "I'm sorry, sir, but you promised you would only ask me one question!" Admission for the course was granted.

I had a little trouble this morning at the grocery store when the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me." Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security run amok, I did just as instructed. Apparently she meant my credit card!

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AL
Laugh at www.allowe.com
For free jokes daily, send a blank email here

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Sunday, August 19, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] August 20, 2012

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Why swelter outside doing yard work when you can work on your click muscle right here?
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=3481

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

To steal from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

An American businessman in walked into a Glasgow restaurant and asked the waitress, "What's the special?" "R-r-r-r-roast and r-r-r-r-rice," the Scottish miss replied in her heavy brogue. "You sure do roll your R's," said the businessman. She blushed. "Oh, that's because I'm wearing these new high heels!"

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To contact me
For more humor, visit allowe.com.
Submit your jokes for CyberJoke 3000™ here.
Send your comments and feedback here.

AL
Laugh at www.allowe.com
For free jokes daily, send a blank email here

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Joke For All

Friday, August 31, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] August 31, 2012

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] August 30, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] August 29, 2012

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] August 28, 2012

Sunday, August 26, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] August 27, 2012

Thursday, August 23, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] August 24, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] August 23, 2012

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] August 22, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] August 21, 2012

Sunday, August 19, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] August 20, 2012

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