Thursday, June 30, 2016

[cyberjoke3000] July 1, 2016



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

While browsing the web, you can open a link into a new tab by clicking the scroll wheel on your mouse. 

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AL

Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The elementary school kindergarten teacher invited a Navy SEAL to speak to her class. As he started telling them stories of his military exploits, hands shot up. The first little girl asked, "So? Can you balance a ball on your nose?"

Did you hear about the gay Indian? He was a brave sucker! 

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I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Wednesday, June 29, 2016

[cyberjoke3000] June 30, 2016



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Matt Flinton sends along this tip in case you ever forget your Windows 10 password. On the startup screen, click the shutdown menu in the lower-right corner. Then Shift-Click on Restart. Windows will send you a password reset email.

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AL

Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Don't confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am. My attitude depends on who you are!

Regarding recent bathroom legislation​:​ Who pays the Pecker Checker? How much will a Pecker Checker make? Do they take what they can make? Do we pay by the pecker​? Do we pay only if it's a packer? And exactly how many peckers can a Pecker Checker check if a Pecker Checker can check peckers? Will women have to wear a Vag Badge? Will there be a Vag Badge Hag? Hey, if you gotta pee, we gotta see! 

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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Tuesday, June 28, 2016

[cyberjoke3000] June 29, 2016



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

If a webpage is hard to read, you can make the text larger by holding down the Ctrl key on your keyboard while rolling the scroll wheel on your mouse. (This also works in many other programs besides your browser.)

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A man jogging along a country road was startled when a horse yelled at him, "Hey, buddy! Come here!" The stunned jogger ran to the fence and asked, "Are you talking to me?" The horse replied, "Yeah, man. I got a problem. A few years ago, I won the Kentucky Derby and this farmer bought me. Now all I do is pull a plow. I'm sick of it. Why don't you offer him five grand and buy me? I can still run like the wind. I'll make you tons of money!" As dollar signs flashed through his head, he thought, "Wow, a talking horse!" He did just that: found the farmhouse, found the old farmer, and said, "Sir, I want to offer you five thousand dollars for that old broken-down nag out in your pasture." The farmer barely looked up. "Son, you can't believe that damn fool horse. He ain't never even been to Kentucky!"

Be careful when you follow the masses because sometimes that "m" is silent! 

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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Monday, June 27, 2016

[cyberjoke3000] June 28, 2016



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Google developers love to insert humor into their work, even into your search results, such as when you search for “anagram.” The answer asks, "Did you mean: nag a ram"? Try it by clicking here:
https://www.google.com/search?sourceid=chrome-psyapi2&q=anagram
and then click on "nag a ram" for an explanation. Thanks to CyberJokester Russ Haag for this tip. 

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AL

Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The fact that there's a Highway to Hell but only a Stairway to Heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic.

At a couples retreat, Jane and Joe were instructed to each write a sentence using the words sex and love. Jane wrote, "When two mature individuals are deeply and passionately in love with one another and respect each other, as Joe and I do, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act of physical sex with each other." Joe wrote: "I love sex." 

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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Sunday, June 26, 2016

[cyberjoke3000] June 27, 2016



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Repeat after me: “I will not click this link. I will not click this link. I will...” Aw, just go ahead and click!
http://www.allowe.com/humor/sight-gags.html?PicNumber=5421 

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A teacher was presenting a natural history lesson to her elementary school class. "Worker ants can carry food that is five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?" Little Johnny piped up, "Their union sucks!"

The telephone rang at dawn. "Señor Bob? This is Ernesto, your caretaker at the country house." "Ernesto? Is there a problem?" "Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Bob, that your parrot, he is dead." "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International Competition?" "Si, Señor. That's the one." "Damn! That's a pity! That bird cost a small fortune. What did he die from?" "From eating rotten meat, Señor Bob." "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?" "Nobody, Señor. He ate the dead horse." "Dead horse? What dead horse?" "Your thoroughbred, Señor Bob." "My prize thoroughbred is dead?" "Si, Señor Bob. He had a heart attack pulling the water cart." "What?! What water cart?" "The one at the fire." "What fire, man?" "The one at your house, Señor! A candle caught the curtains on fire." "What the hell? Are you telling me that my country mansion was destroyed by a candle?!" "Yes, Señor Bob." "Why were you burning a candle anyway?" "For the funeral, Señor Bob." "What funeral??!!" "Your wife's, Señor Bob. She showed up late one night and I thought she was a thief so I hit her with your new Ping driver with the TFC 149D graphite shaft." "Ernesto, if you broke my new driver, you're in deep sh¡t!" 

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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Thursday, June 23, 2016

[cyberjoke3000] June 24, 2016



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

I have enough clean jokes to last for weeks but my stash of dirties is growing dangerously thin. If you have some favorites that have not yet run in CyberJoke 3000™, please send them here.

 

The Spanish National Research Council has introduced the world’s first child’s exoskeleton to help children with spinal muscular atrophy. Weighing 25 pounds, made of aluminium and titanium, it helps patients walk, some for the very first time.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aPkkjOMB-J4

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AL

Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Tourists who visit Indian reservations rarely leave without some memento of the traditional culture. One enterprising Indian outsold his competitors' wooden dolls by undercutting their price. "How does he make money, selling them so cheap?" the competition wondered, until they took one apart. Inside, where they used hardwood, he used cheap pine, with a thin slice of hardwood glued on top. Although he claimed his dolls were authentic, his competitors knew: they were merely cheap Sioux veneers!

A scoutmaster texted his troops' parents: "Scouts, 7:00 sharp at church. We will work on aviation, cycling and gynecology merit badges." Within a minute, a second text arrived: "Oops. We will work on our GENEALOGY merit badges!" 

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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[cyberjoke3000] June 23, 2016



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Please join me in signing this petition to the White House to keep live music alive! Rep. Martha McSally (R, AZ) has added an amendment to the proposed Department of Defense budget: "none of the funds made available by this Act may be used for performances by a military musical unit...." This means no live music at patriotic parades or concerts (even July 4th), receptions, banquets, concerts for troops in war zones, state funerals, even the national anthem at almost any event. If these events were contracted to civilian musicians, the cost would be significantly higher. Even worse, I suspect many events would use pre-recorded music. Please help! As a former military band musician myself, I know the good that these groups do at the cost of a infinitesimal fraction of our military budget!

http://bit.ly/SaveMilitaryMusic 

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AL

Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Two blondes were filling up at a gas station. One blonde said, "I sure hope gas prices don't go up again." The other blonde replied, "Oh, that doesn't matter to me. I always just put in twenty bucks worth!"

If high school girls are required to shower with the boys, it may not be easy on the girls ...but it sure will be hard on the boys! 

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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Tuesday, June 21, 2016

[cyberjoke3000] June 22, 2016



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Want to go to a new webpage without leaving the page you're on? In the address bar, type the URL (or search term) and press Alt-Enter instead of just Enter. Your old tab will remain as it was and a new tab will open with your new page. 

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Since Mr. Johnson rarely attended church, the new preacher visited him to invite him to attend services. Johnson, who made a fine peach brandy, told the preacher he would come -- but only if the pastor would drink a glass of his home-made brandy and then admit doing so in front of his congregation. The preacher thought a moment and then agreed. They drank up. The next Sunday, Johnson was in the front row when the preacher said, "I'd like to recognize Mr. Johnson for worshipping with us this morning and thank him publicly for his hospitality, especially for the peaches he gave me ...and the spirit in which they were given!"

Every zoo is a petting zoo ...unless you're a pussy! 

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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Monday, June 20, 2016

[cyberjoke3000] June 21, 2016



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Matt Flinton sends along this short video in which men are given electrical shocks to simulate the contractions of childbirth. They start out macho but...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qtR_-MINR1o

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AL

Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Never ask a woman eating ice cream straight from the carton how she's doing.

Success depends on your age. At age 4, success is not peeing in your pants. At 18, it's getting a little. At 25, it's a wedding. At 35, success is career and family. At 55, it's graduations and weddings. At age 65, it's getting a little. And at 80, success is not peeing in your pants! 

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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[cyberjoke3000] June 20, 2016



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Steph. Buddy. Have a sight gag.
http://www.allowe.com/humor/sight-gags.html?PicNumber=5411 

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

"I don't understand what men see in golf." "Me, neither. I only went golfing with my ex- one time and he made me quit after one hole!" "What upset him?" "He said I asked too many questions!" "Well, you were probably just trying to understand the game. What did you ask?" "All I asked was: 'Why'd you hit the ball into that lake?' "

What did one gay sperm say to the other? "How are we supposed to find an egg in all this sh¡t!?" 

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For more humor, visit allowe.com.
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Send your comments and feedback here.

Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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Friday, June 17, 2016

[cyberjoke3000] June 17, 2016



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

This video of Canon disassembling one of its eleven thousand dollar lenses into hundreds of parts is a work of art itself:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xQp_0b2umto 

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

You May Be Getting Old if... You remember having to walk across the room to change the channel. You remember when they introduced the Big Mac. You're older than the school principal. You have more in common with your parents than your children. You saw the first Star Wars in a theater. Your computer has more memory than you do. You get excited by the thought of an all-new set of Tupperware food-storage containers.

A vagina is like the weather: once it's wet, it's time to go inside! 

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For more humor, visit allowe.com.
Submit your jokes for CyberJoke 3000™ here.
Send your comments and feedback here.

Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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