[cyberjoke3000] December 1, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Here's an excellent video showing the most recent Space Shuttle's preparation and liftoff. Amazing video from multiple cameras on the ground, air, and STS-129 itself.
http://www.vimeo.com/7852885

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A man told the desk sergeant, "I need to speak with the guy who broke into my house last night." "You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant. "Oh, no," said the man. "I want to know how he got inside without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life!

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[cyberjoke3000] November 30, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

It's time to work off some of that Thanksgiving dinner by clicking your mouse here:
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2081

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Three women, whose husbands drove an SUV, a Tesla, and a Prius respectively, heard the voice of God. "Your husbands are driving the three most important vehicles in the world. But soon they will crash in a car accident." The wife of the SUV driver called her husband and said, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that God exists; the bad news is you will soon crash your SUV." The Tesla driver's wife phoned and said, "I have two pieces of bad news: one is that God exists; the other is that you will soon crash your Tesla." The Prius wife called her husband and said, "I have two pieces of good news: one is that our Prius is among the three most important vehicles in the world; the other is that you won't see global warming in your lifetime!"

Definition of disgusting: while kissing your grandmother, she slips you the tongue.

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[cyberjoke3000] November 27, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester and master programmer Herb Dierks sends along this site consisting of nothing but odd Google search suggestions. I guarantee you'll laugh at this one!
www.autocompleteme.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

 

Blonde in doctor's office: "Doctor, my stomach is getting awfully big." Doctor: "You should diet." Blonde: "Really? What color?"

Definition of suspicious: two men walk out of a restroom, one zipping his pants, the other licking his lips.

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[cyberjoke3000] November 26, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Happy Thanksgiving or, if you're outside the U.S., Happy Thursday!

How about the 10 Most Magnificent Trees in the World:
http://tinyurl.com/yr8djx

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

At lunch, some immigrants were having a fine time until José gagged. "I, I tink... I svallowed a bone," gasped José. "José," said Juan, "are you choking?" "No, dammit. I'm serious!"

One woman told her girlfriend, "My husband's so boring, his idea of a night out is to sit on the back porch and watch TV through the window!"

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[cyberjoke3000] November 25, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

iSPRING will convert your PowerPoint presentation to a Flash movie in seconds. Upload it once to YouTube and then share its URL. Much easier than worrying if you emailed it to someone with a full mailbox or without a PP viewer:
http://www.ispringsolutions.com/products/ispring_free.html

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A lady wearing a large flowered hat was greeted at the church door by the usher. "Friend of the bride?" he asked. "Certainly not!" snapped the woman. "I'm the groom's mother!"

Anytime you see a woman and start to want her, consider this: No matter how beautiful she is, no matter how sexy she is, no matter how seductive she is, no matter how sweet she is, no matter how huge her chest is... I forgot what I was going to say.

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[cyberjoke3000] November 24, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

In this amazing video, Paul Nicklen describes his unique experience as a National Geographic photographer: coming face-to-face with one of the arctic's most vicious predators:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zxa6P73Awcg

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Women are evil. Need proof? Women require time and money, therefore Women=Time*Money. Since everyone knows that time is money, therefore Women=Money*Money or Women=Money². Since money is the root of all evil, therefore Money=square root of Evil and Women=(square root of Evil)², therefore: Women=Evil.

A young boy was sitting on his front lawn, crying. A neighbor saw him and asked, "What's wrong, Seamus? Why are you crying?" Seamus replied, "'Tis a terrible t'ing. Me mam's dying." "That's awful," the neighbor agreed. "Would you like me to fetch the priest?" "Naw," said Seamus, "I'm in no mood for sex!"

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[cyberjoke3000] November 23, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

"What? Sight gags for breakfast? Again??"
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2071

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

It was the happiest day of my life. I arrived at the church, my husband waiting at the altar. I walked up the aisle, kissed him on the cheek, smiled ...and closed the lid!

Two guys were talking at a bar. "Did you ever notice after having sex with a woman that your eyes burn, your nose burns, and you're all teary-eyed?" The second guy said, "No, why? Do yours?" The first guy responded, "Yeah. I'm guessing it's the pepper spray!"

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[cyberjoke3000] November 20, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

If (when!) your hard drive crashes, you may need your license key information from the Windows Registry. Here's a free program to find them for you:
http://davehope.co.uk/projects/product-key-finder

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

"Doctor, ya gotta help me. I just can't stop stealing things!" The doctor examined him carefully and said, "Here. Take these pills for a week. If they don't help, get me a plasma TV!"

What is the condition that describes a preoccupation with cunnilingus? Carpet Tunnel Syndrome.

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[cyberjoke3000] November 19, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Jim Burke recommends Belarc Advisor, a program I've also used for years. It creates a report listing all your PCs hardware and software, including the version, your software licenses, your system's security status, virus protection, and even missing Windows Updates. Print the report and store it somewhere safe so if your PC is ever stolen, melted, crashes or you replace it, you'll know everything that was on it.
http://www.belarc.com/free_download.html

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

What's the difference between a lawyer and a CPA? The CPA knows he's boring!

Two condoms walked by a gay bar. One said to the other, "Hey, wanna go in there and get sh¡t-faced?"

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[cyberjoke3000] November 18, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

If you've ever had to nuke Windows and reinstall everything, here's a site that can help. Ninite lets you check off programs on a long list, then it downloads and installs all of them, automatically, without intervention. There are some caveats, of course, so read the site carefully before you use. But I bookmarked this site... just in case.
http://ninite.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Job interviewer: "Please spell your name." Blonde: "Y, o, u, r..."

A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot, but she keeps denying it. Finally, his suspicions were confirmed when she answered, "Honey, if I've told you once, I've told you niner thousand times, negative on the affair!"

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[cyberjoke3000] November 17, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Neil Rubenking sends along these photos of some amazing Japanese rice art. Crop circles are so 20th century. Look at this rice field art:
http://tinyurl.com/nlgtnp

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A Jewish grandmother took her two grandchildren to the park. Another grandmother said, "Your grandchildren are adorable! How old are they?" She smiled and said, "The lawyer is seven and the doctor is eight!"

Definition of weird: while you're having sex with a pregnant woman, something grabs your d¡ck.

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[cyberjoke3000] November 16, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Another Monday morning. Another ten sight gags:
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2061

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

How do you make an authentic German Chocolate Cake? First, occupy the kitchen...

Craig Ferguson reported last week that Google will provide free Internet access in airports all across the country for the holidays. That's fantastic. Previously, the only way to see something pornographic at an airport was to follow a senator into the bathroom!

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[cyberjoke3000] November 13, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester and world-class animator Al Eufrasio sends along "The Fun Theory." Studies, funded by Volkswagen, show that fun is the easiest way to change people's behavior for the better. Watch the entertaining evidence at:
http://www.TheFunTheory.com/

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

"Doc, you gotta help me. I can't stop my hands from shaking!" "Do you drink a lot of coffee?" "Not really. I spill most of it!"

Ever since Susan Boyle's first appearance on Britain's Got Talent, there's been a marked drop in suicide bombings. Apparently, a lot of terrorists hadn't realized what a virgin looks like!

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[cyberjoke3000] November 12, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

And in what may be the last word on downloading videos, CyberJokester Matt Carlone recommends Leawo, a free FLV file downloader for Imtermet Explorer. It grabs videos from YouTube and many other flash sites and converts to various formats for free.
http://www.leawo.com/youtube-download/

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

If computers only "think" in terms of ones and zeroes, where do all those dirty pictures come from?

A wife bought a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex life. She put them on under her shortest skirt and sat down on the sofa, directly in her husband's line of sight. She crossed and uncrossed her legs enough until hubby finally noticed. "Lisa! Are you wearing crotchless panties?" "Yes," she answered, in her sexiest voice. He continued, "Thank god. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa!"

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[cyberjoke3000] November 11, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Happy Anniversary! It was exactly ten years ago today that I started CyberJoke 3000™. I thought I might have enough jokes to run it for a year or so. But, over 5,000 jokes later, it shows no sign of stopping. With 7,000 members, many of whom submit jokes to me daily, I think we may just be able to go another ten years!

CyberJokester Danny Moran sends along another video helper, this one a collection of over 20 programs to do all sorts of things with your videos... and all for free!
http://www.dvdvideosoft.com/free-dvd-video-software.htm

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The sheik's oil revenues were down so he decided to sell his Star of the Euphrates, once the most valuable diamond in existence. But his pawnbroker would only give him 100,000 rials for it. "Are you crazy?" said the sheik, "I paid a million for it! Say... do you know who I am?" The pawnbroker replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are!"

What's the difference between Ellen DeGeneres and a Triscuit? One is a snack cracker...

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[cyberjoke3000] November 10, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

While we're on the topic of free converters of YouTube videos, CyberJokester Fluffy sends along one more. It captures YouTube FLV files to your hard drive. Just copy the YouTube URL and paste it at:
http://keepvid.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A-quapella: Singing while accompanied only by water from a showerhead.

Psychiatrist to patient: "Mr. James, I believe that we have finally cured your homosexual tendencies." James: "Oh, doctor! Thank you! You have made me so happy. May I kiss you?" Psychiatrist: "Nonsense. I shouldn't even be lying here on the couch with you!"

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[cyberjoke3000] November 9, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester John Holloway reminds me that Zamzar.com also can convert YouTube videos to a number of formats. I knew they did many document and image format conversions but now handle a number of others including CAD.
http://zamzar.com/

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

You may have picked the wrong motel if the desk clerk tells you that you can have your room as soon as forensics is done with it!

A new female Army recruit reported for duty at a small post and was told that, although her quarters were in a separate building, she was to mess with the men. Weeks later she learned that meant she was supposed to eat her meals with them.

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[cyberjoke3000] November 6, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Myron Clements recommends the video downloader that I actually use: Video Download Helper, a Firefox plug-in that not only downloads, but also converts video (the conversion feature is not free). Slick and easy.
https://addons.mozilla.org/en-US/firefox/addon/3006

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

It's time to limit politicians to two terms: one in office ...and one in jail!

Why is it when a woman is pregnant, all her friends rub her belly and say "Congratulations!" yet no one rubs the father's pen¡s and says, "Good job!"

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[cyberjoke3000] November 5, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Yesterday I told you about a free converter that turns YouTube videos into MP3s. Today, CyberJokester Fluffy sends a site that will convert a YouTube video into a format you can view on your computer or your iPod. It has both an online service and a downloadable program that runs on your computer.
http://vixy.net

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

This Economy Is So Bad that... I opened the mail and found a pre-declined credit card. I ordered a Whopper at Burger King and they asked me, "Can you afford fries with that?" CEO's now play miniature golf. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. The bank returned my check marked "Insufficient Funds" and I had to call them to ask if they meant me or them. Stock in Hot Wheels is trading higher than GM. McDonalds is selling a quarter-ouncer. The Mafia is laying off judges. Beverly Hills parents fired their nannies and had to learn their kid's names. A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico. Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting. Motel Six has stopped leaving the light on.

You know what happens to little angels who spread their legs instead of their wings? Instead of a harp, they get an organ!

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