Thursday, March 31, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] April 1, 2011



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Happy April Fool's Day! And that's no joke.

CyberJokester Keith Thompson sends along this wonderful video showing a gravity-powered xylophone playing Bach. Actually it's a commercial for Sharp's limited-edition, wood-case cell phone.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C_CDLBTJD4M

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

I watched some gravediggers wander all over the cemetery, carrying a coffin. I thought, "These guys have lost the plot!"

Won't it be weird at Prince William's bachelor party, stuffing money into a stripper's G-string and every bill with a picture of his grandmother!


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Wednesday, March 30, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] March 31, 2011



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Adriana Marshall sends along this thrilling video showing a downhill bike race in Chile. This is truly the height of insanity -- but man, does it look like fun!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pAz4RYxDc8s

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A man, sitting at home with his wife, said, completely out of the blue, "I love you." She asked, "Is that you or the beer talking?" He replied, "It's me, talking to the beer!"

What do you get if you cross a nun with a computer? A system that won't go down
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Tuesday, March 29, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] March 30, 2011



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Charter CyberJokester Neil Rubenking sends along a virus scanning topper to yesterday's site: the Virus Total site runs suspicious files through 42 scanners and also scans URLs. Sounds even better. Now you have no excuse not to "keep it clean!"
http://www.virustotal.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

As the pajama-clad tot headed upstairs, he asked his family, "I'm gonna say my prayers now. Anybody need anything?"

What's red with seven little dents? Snow White's hymen!


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[cyberjoke3000] March 29, 2011



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Casimir Couvillion says that, even with the best antivirus software, new drive-by viruses come along every day. He recommends running suspicious files through Jotti's Malware Scan, a free website that scans with twenty databases. He got a file in email that was pronounced clean by Symantec and 19 of the 20 databases on Jotti's, but fortunately the 20th found the virus in it. A day later, 10 of the databases still thought it was clean. So there's (even more) safety in numbers!
http://virusscan.jotti.org/en

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

"Boss, I'm tired of being a human cannonball. I quit!" "But you can't quit!" replied the circus manager. "Where will I find a man of your caliber?"

What's the difference between "pu$$y" and "parsley?" No man eats parsley!


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Monday, March 28, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] March 28, 2011



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

All over the Middle East, people are clamoring for freedom...and sight gags! And you get these for free:
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2781

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A grocery store cashier held up a small dairy carton and yelled to a co-worker, "How much is half-and-half?" Without hesitation, the co-worker replied, "One!"

When Little Johnny balked at eating his vegetables, his mom sternly told him, "Johnny, you will not leave this table until you eat every bean and pea on your plate." So he did!


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Friday, March 25, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] March 25, 2011



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Do you continue to get viruses even though you run anti-virus software? Maybe the problem is you. You must "drive" your machine conservatively. I've operated various PCs for 30 years and never had a virus. But then, I don't do file sharing, download software from unknown sources, allow strangers to use my system, or click on links in weird emails. You've got to be careful, suspicious, and use as much protection as you can.

CyberJokester Zadir sends along this wonderful collection of 67 high-resolution aerial images of New York City.
http://bit.ly/g8JbQk

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

News Flash: "Now here's a follow-up to yesterday's accident at the furniture company: the worker who fell into the upholstery machine is now fully recovered!"

What do you call a hooker with no legs? A nightcrawler!


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Wednesday, March 23, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] March 24, 2011



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Petrucio sends along his recommendation for CamStudio, an Open Source screen capture program with the 5-minute limit of yesterday's Jing. Check it out at:
http://camstudio.org

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described earlier in this document, being careful to note that the rotation shall occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. Note: the above described steps may be performed at the option of the party of the first part or by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "The Partners."

What did Adam say to Eve the first time they had sex? "Stand back, honey. I don't know how big this thing is gonna get!"


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Tuesday, March 22, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] March 23, 2011



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Al Johnson sends along Jing, a screen capture program that records anything on your screen as an image or video and lets you instantly share it. You may have to sign up for a free account to get it, but it is free.
http://www.techsmith.com/Jing

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Did you hear that AT&T and T-Mobile are gonna get hitched? Afterwards, there'll be no reception!

A woman told her mechanic, "Sometimes, when I have friends in my car, a terrible smell occurs -- but it never happens when I'm alone." The intrigued mechanic suggested he ride with her. Off they went, through a red light, 60 MPH through a school zone, the wrong way down a one-way street, swerving, hitting curbs, narrowly missing pedestrians, and blowing past a policeman so close he nearly flipped his motorcycle. Finally, she said, "There it is! That's the smell I was telling you about. Do you smell it?" The shaking mechanic stammered, "Smell it? Lady, I'm sitting in it!"


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Monday, March 21, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] March 22, 2011



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

"The Most Beautiful Jellyfish on Earth" shows 14 species that look as alien as anything created by James Cameron but more beautiful.
http://bit.ly/dKH0c7

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The priest told his congregation, "Next Sunday, I will preach on the sin of lying. In preparation, please read Mark, Chapter 17." The next Sunday the priest asked, "How many of you read Mark, Chapter 17?" Quite a few hands went up. The priest continued, "Mark only has 16 chapters. Now let's discuss the sin of lying!"

My pen¡s grants wishes... but only if you rub it long enough!


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Sunday, March 20, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] March 21, 2011



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Now that you've recovered from the "Supermoon," why not enjoy some "SuperSightGags?!"
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2771

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Tom applied for a signalman's job on the railroad and met his new boss at the signal tower. The boss gave Tom a pop quiz. "What would you do if you realized two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?" Tom said, "I'd switch one to another track." "What if the switch lever broke?" "I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever." "What if the manual lever had been struck by lightning?" "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal tower." "What if the phone was busy?" "I'd run down to the station and use the pay phone." "What if the pay phone had been vandalized?" Tom, tiring of this silly game, responded, "Well, I guess in that case I'd run into town and get my Uncle Leo." The inspector looked puzzled. "Why on Earth would you do that?" Tom concluded, "Because Leo's never seen a train wreck!"

How is cunnilingus like dealing with the Mafia? One slip of the tongue and you're in deep sh¡t!


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Thursday, March 17, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] March 18, 2011



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Jed R. Feiman sends along a match to Wednesday's video: here's a guy who upgraded Internet Explorer all the way from version 1 to this week's new version 9!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k5QqYVurImY

I've seen a lot of images of Japan this week but none compare with these! CyberJokester Lowell Wall sends along the New York Time's interactive, before-and-after photos of the Japanese disaster. Go full-screen (press F11) and move the blue line left and right.
http://nyti.ms/fsZk9m

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Did you hear about the explosion at the pie factory? 3.1415927 dead!

A wife, suspecting her husband of having an affair with their cute young maid, decided to catch him in the act. She gave the maid the weekend off. Friday night she went into the maid's room, turned off all the lights and, in pitch darkness, slipped into bed. An hour later, she heard footsteps. A man opened the door and slipped into bed beside her. After a few passionate kisses, she suddenly switched on the lights and yelled, "Surprised?" "I sure am, ma'am!" stammered her chauffeur.


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Wednesday, March 16, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] March 17, 2011



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

UBitMenu helps you transition into the new Microsoft Office ribbon interface by adding the classic menu bar as a new ribbon. Works in Word, Excel and Powerpoint. Download free at http://www.ubit.ch/software/ubitmenu-languages

I'm sorry, but of all the St. Patrick's Day jokes I received this year, every one of them had already appeared in CyberJoke 3000™ and since I try my best not to ever duplicate jokes, you get: no topical jokes today. Have you received any new ones? Send them along so I have something to run on March 17, 2012!

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

You May Be Living in 2011 if… you use your cell phone from your driveway to see if anyone is inside to help you carry in the groceries; you haven't played solitaire with real cards in years; your family of three has 15 phone numbers; you text the person working at the next desk; you don't stay in touch with family because they're not on Facebook; there are more TVs in your house than people; your body aches, not from exercising, but from playing your Wii; your keychain has more discount cards than keys; leaving home without your cell phone causes panic; ordering coffee includes words that didn't exist twenty years ago, but not the word "coffee."

A rich Kentuckian bought a racehorse named "My Face." He said, "I don't know if it's any good or not. I just want to hear all the women in the grandstand yell, 'Come on My Face!' "


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Tuesday, March 15, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] March 16, 2011



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Jed Feiman sends along this video showing a man upgrading from DOS 5.0 to every version of Windows from 1 to 7 as an experiment to test compatibility. I found this fascinating. (Your experience may vary! <grin>)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vPnehDhGa14

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A little boy asked his father for a pet spider. Dad checked the price at the local pet store and thought they were too expensive. He said, "I can get one cheaper off the web!"

A man decided to have his next prostate exam while visiting Thailand, where the beautiful nurses are also gentle and accommodating. He was asked to lie naked on his side on the table while a gorgeous nurse began her examination. She said, "At this stage of the procedure, it's normal to get an erection." He replied, "I don't have an erection." His nurse said, "Maybe not, but I do!"


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[cyberjoke3000] March 15, 2011



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Matt Flinton sends along this short, funny, but memorable parody by Tom Hanks of the TV show, Toddlers & Tiaras, a scary peek into the world of young beauty contestants. Hilarious! Don't leave before the surprise ending.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dPLWKBWkn3s

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AL

Today's CyberJoke 3000™

My friend admitted that he's addicted to brake fluid, but he swears he can stop anytime!

A golfer, who has sliced every tee shot, asked his caddy, "Do you see any obvious reason for my poor drives?" The caddy replied, "There's a piece of sh¡t on the end of your driver." The golfer started to clean the clubface, but the caddy said, "No. Wrong end!"


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Sunday, March 13, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] March 14, 2011



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

I feel so bad about the news from Japan; it was all I could think about all weekend. I almost didn't send out today's CyberJoke 3000™ but then I thought "maybe we could all use a smile." Here's hoping that you and all your loved ones are safe.
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2761

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AL

Today's CyberJoke 3000™

An escaped convict ran through fields and back roads to avoid capture while his escape was all over the news. Finally, he reached his wife's house and knocked softly on the back door. She opened the door and screamed, "You bum! Where have you been? You escaped six hours ago!"

What's the worst thing about a lesbian orgy? When one gets up to go to the bathroom, everyone gets up to go to the bathroom!


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I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Thursday, March 10, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] March 11, 2011

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Wednesday, March 9, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] March 10, 2011



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Here's a short video calle "A Day Made of Glass," showing how Corning Glass thinks the future will be.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Cf7IL_eZ38

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

I own stock in United Gas Corp., People's Waterworks, and American Can Co. Yesterday my broker told me to sit on my Can, hold my Water, and let go of my Gas. He also said that Scott Tissue touched a new bottom and thousands were wiped clean!

Last week, Disneyland closed to the public for Miley Cyrus' birthday party. In a related story, last night the Mustang Ranch closed to the public for a Charlie Sheen party!


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[cyberjoke3000] March 9, 2011



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

What happens when you fire a golf ball into a steel plate at 150 MPH? You have to see this to believe it...and I'm not sure I believe it now!
http://www.flixxy.com/golf-ball-slow-motion.htm

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

When her husband returned from work, his new bride told him, "Honey, I have great news. Soon there's going to be three of us living in this house." He glowed as he kissed her and said, "Darling, that's wonderful! I'm the happiest man alive." She smiled. "I'm so glad you feel that way, Sweetie. I wasn't sure you'd like mother moving in with us!"

Exactly how much cocaine has Charlie Sheen done? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men!


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For more humor, visit allowe.com.
Submit your jokes for CyberJoke 3000™ here.
Send your comments and feedback here.

Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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