Joke For All: June 2011

Thursday, June 30, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] June 30, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokesters Fernando Lopresti, Petruccio and Fluffy add some more Windows key shortcuts: Win-M to minimize everything; Win-Break to bring up System Properties; Win-R to bring up the "Run..." command. But the Run dialog is not only for running programs: URLs bring up your browser; folder names (like C:\Windows) and shortcuts (like My Documents) open Explorer.

CyberJokester Don Bostwich sends along this interesting "scenic walkway" under construction in China. I'm not sure who must be more brave: the people building it, or those who will eventually walk on it, but it looks too scary for me!
http://bit.ly/lPWlEY

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

The Wall Street investment banker arrived home from work early for the first time in years to discover his wife in bed with another man. "What in the hell is going on here?!" he demanded. She propped herself up on one elbow and said, "Oh, Arthur. I forgot to tell you: I've gone public!"

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I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.

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Wednesday, June 29, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] June 29, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Sami Kankaristo adds to yesterday's text-resizing tip: you can return text to its original size by pressing Ctrl-0 (zero).

Ever wonder about that key with the Windows logo near your spacebar? It does a lot of handy things. Press Win-F for Find; Win-D to hide all windows and see your desktop (and again to get everything back); Win-L to lock your computer; and my fave, Win-E to bring up Windows Explorer.

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The barber asked, "What's wrong? You look down." His customer said, "I'm just depressed, I guess." The barber said, "Cheer up. I once knew a guy who was thousands in debt, with no way out. He drove to the edge of a cliff, where he sat until some concerned citizens passed a hat around. His problem solved through the kindness of others, he pulled away from the cliff." "Incredible! Who were those people?" "The passengers on his bus!"

Bob said to his buddy, Ray: "Guess who I was out with last night." Ray responded, "I have no idea." Bob passed his finger beneath Ray's nose. "Wow! Suzi's back in town?!"

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Monday, June 27, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] June 28, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

You probably know that holding down the Ctrl key while rolling your mouse's scrollwheel increases and decreases text size on web pages, in Word, and other places. But what if your mouse doesn't have a scrollwheel? (Like when you use a trackpad?) Easy: type Ctrl-plus and Ctrl-minus using the + and - on your 10-key pad.

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A white horse entered a bar. The bartender said to him, "Say, did you know there's a whiskey named after you?" The horse said, "Really? There's a whiskey named Fred?"

The coroner was questioning an eyewitness to a shooting. "And you say she shot her husband at close range with this pistol?" "Yes, sir." "Are there any powder marks on his body?" "I'll say. That's why she shot him!"

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Sunday, June 26, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] June 27, 2011

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Thursday, June 23, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] June 24, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

The easiest way to send a file to someone is to right-click its icon, and then, from the shortcut menu, select "Send to Mail Recipient." Windows will create an outgoing e-mail with the file attached. If it's a photo, Windows will offer to shrink it for you to reasonable size.

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Dear 2011: The best rapper is white and the president is black? What happened?! Sincerely, 1985.

The sugar daddy and his newly-acquired blonde girlfriend were finishing their dinner in an expensive restaurant's private room. "Well, my dear," he said smugly, "and now, how about a little demitasse?" She snapped back, "I knew it. You men are all alike. You don't even give me a chance to have a cup of coffee!"

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Wednesday, June 22, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] June 23, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Any URL longer than a single line of text in an email is in danger of breakage. Instead, click at the beginning of your browser's address bar and type "bit.ly/" in front of the website's URL. For example, if you're at my site, change the address bar to read: "bit.ly/http://www.allowe.com". Bit.ly will give you a new link, like this: "http://bit.ly/j1LMUX". It will take your email recipients to the same place. Try it. First, go to my site:
www.allowe.com
then prefix "bit.ly/" (without the quotes) in front of the address. See how easy it is?

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A young man in love with two women could not decide which to marry. Finally, he asked his buddy for help. "One is a great poet, but the other makes the world's best pancakes." "Oh, I see," his buddy responded, "you're trying to decide whether to marry for batter or verse!"

A wife picked up her husband at the airport, fresh from a tour in Afghanistan, and they stopped at the first motel they found. After hours of fun, they finally fell deep into an exhausted sleep. Suddenly, there was a loud knock at the door. "Oh, no!" cried the soldier, "I bet that's your husband!" His sleepy wife responded, "Don't be silly. He's in Afghanistan!"

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Tuesday, June 21, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] June 22, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

1.6 million views in 10 days? Got to be the "Whole Foods Parking Lot" music video! This one's hilarious!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2UFc1pr2yUU

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

I told my wife about this article I read that said when you die, you get reincarnated as a different creature. She said, "I'd like to come back as a cow." I said, "Obviously, you're not paying attention!"

Doctor: "Miss Wilson, I'm going to give you a thorough examination. Take off all your clothes." Miss Wilson: "But, Doctor! Dr. Kannon gave me a thorough examination this morning and found me in excellent condition." Doctor: "So he told me."

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[cyberjoke3000] June 21, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

This infographic, Every Sixty Seconds on the Internet, is staggering, especially to someone who remembers when the Web was a tiny place. Check this:
http://www.go-gulf.com/blog/60-seconds

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

When the family cat was hit by a car, Mom quickly disposed of the remains before four-year-old Billy found out. After a while, Billy finally asked about the cat. "Billy, our cat died," explained his mother. "But it's okay. He's with God, up in heaven." Billy looked surprised. "What does God want with a dead cat?!"

Nymphomaniac: "Quick! Hide! Here comes my husband!" Fatigued lover: "Thank god he got my text!"

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Monday, June 20, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] June 20, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Here's a little belated gift to all you fathers. Hey, at least it's not a necktie!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2901

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Sleep doctor: "How did my plan of counting sheep work?" Patient: "Not bad. I got to 120,639 before I had to get up and go to work!"

The brunette co-ed told the blonde co-ed, "I got picked up by the fuzz last night." The blonde replied, "Didn't that hurt?"

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Friday, June 17, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] June 17, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Kurt Kalata interviewed me (and seemingly everyone else active in adventure games) for his new book, "The Guide to Classic Graphic Adventures." I got a copy of it last weekend, cracked it open to see what it was like and, five hours later, realized what time it was. It's an amazing and wonderful book! It covers pretty much every classic game I've ever heard of, and more. Awesome read, available from Amazon. Read about it here:
http://www.hardcoregaming101.net/book.html
And buy it here:
http://amzn.to/l6oZrC
Strongly recommended as "best in its field."

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Two cats were watching a tennis match at Wimbledon. One cat asked the other, "Why are you interested in tennis?" The second cat replied, "My Dad's in that racquet!"

A woman had tried to have a child for years, to no avail. She told her neighbor, "There's only one thing left. I'm now attending a special church where many women have prayed and a miraculous thing occurred: they all became pregnant." Her neighbor replied, "I hate to burst your bubble, but Father Rivetti, who did all those miracles, was reassigned last month!"

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Thursday, June 16, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] June 16, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

I've got some new sight gags for you that are so good, I didn't have time to, I mean, they're worth waiting for!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2891

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Finally, I lost twenty pounds. Sadly, I was in England at the time!

A doctor proscribed suppositories for a man's medical condition. A few days later, the man returned. "Doc, those pills didn't make a bit of difference. But they sure do taste bad!" The horrified doctor responded, "You've been taking them orally?" "What did you expect me to do, Doc? Shove 'em up my a$$?!"

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Wednesday, June 15, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] June 15, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

I remember reading this short story in Omni magazine about twenty years ago; now I find the author has posted it and other short works on his website. It only takes a moment to read, but I bet you find it memorable, too. Read "They're Made Out of Meat":
http://www.terrybisson.com/page6/page6.html

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Last winter, I saw a poor old lady fall on the ice. At least I presume she was poor ...she only had five bucks in her purse!

"Whatever happened to Helen?" "She died of the clap." "You don't die from the clap." "You do if you give it to Big Louie!"

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Monday, June 13, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] June 14, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Install Ninite, select your favorite programs from a sizable list with a quick click, and Ninite will then install all those apps at once, without you doing anything more. It comes with impressive references, too:
http://ninite.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Definition of a Jewish dilemma: Pork on sale.

What does a man with a huge pen¡s have for breakfast? Well, this morning I had bacon and eggs.

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[cyberjoke3000] June 13, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Dave Goordman sends along this University of Montreal study of a drug that erases bad memories. Seriously!
http://smrt.io/lrvMs2

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The gym newbie asked his trainer, " Which machine should I use if I want to impress a beautiful woman?" The trainer replied, "Try the ATM in the lobby!"

When does a Tenderfoot become a Boy Scout? When he has his first Brownie

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Friday, June 10, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] June 10, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

If you use Facebook to invite your friends to a party, be sure that your settings don't invite the whole world. Thessa's 16th birthday party spiraled out of control when 1,500 people showed up, followed by 100 police!
http://yhoo.it/imikb6

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

My wife has been missing for a week. The police said I should prepare for the worst. So I went to the thrift shop to get back her clothes!

The man at a nude beach came upon two men having sex. The man on top was wearing a lifeguard's shirt. "What's going on here?" he demanded. The lifeguard responded, "I'm saving his life." "That's not how you save a life. You're supposed to give him mouth-to-mouth." The lifeguard replied, "Well, that's how this whole thing started...."

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Thursday, June 9, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] June 9, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

I'm pleased to announce that soon at least one of my original Leisure Suit Larry games will be readily available again, thanks to Paul Trowe and Replay Games! The Escapist tells the story well at the link below. And, while they don't mention any other games than LSL1: Leisure Suit Larry in the Land of the Lounge Lizards, you can be sure that, if it sells well, the others will follow. Here's The Escapist article:
http://bit.ly/jZsH0r
And I promise to let you know as soon as it (and the others?) are available!

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Two photographers were talking. "Remember Fred, that guy we went to school with? Damn shame. I saw him downtown last week, lying in a doorway, begging with a paper cup." "That's sad," said the friend. "What did you give him?" "f5.6 at 1/250th."

What goes into fifteen five times? A hillbilly stud!

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Tuesday, June 7, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] June 8, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Sam Timmins sends along a site similar to DAR.fm that works globally (DAR.fm is USA only). Radiosure offers both a desktop and a USB version. You can take it on a dongle and it still has recording functionality.
http://www.radiosure.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A Muslim kid got lost in the supermarket. The clerk asked, "What does your mom look like?" The kid replied, "I have no idea!"

A ventriloquist was going down on his new female assistant. After a few minutes, she said, "You know, it's all right for you to move your lips!"

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[cyberjoke3000] June 7, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

This is the best coverage I've seen of the terrible tornado that destroyed much of Joplin, MO. It's difficult to imagine destruction so total.
http://bit.ly/mh8rOu

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Toscanini was conducting a new work with the NBC Symphony with an impossible trumpet part. Each trumpeter tried, but failed. Finally, someone recommended a jazz trumpeter who was in town: "Bix can play anything!" Toscanini swore he would never employ any jazz musician, but as the concert approached, he was forced to call him. Bix arrived for the next rehearsal, sauntered in, walked right up to Toscanini and said, "Hey, man. How's it goin'?" Toscanini was appalled. But Bix nailed the part perfectly on his first attempt. The next day was dress rehearsal and the same thing happened: Bix arrived on time, sauntered in, walked over to Toscanini and said, "Hey, man. How's it goin'?" and then nailed the part again. When the dress rehearsal ended, Toscanini went over to Bix and said, "Sir, I've had terrible problems with jazz musicians in the past, but you have changed my opinion. You're on time and play your part to perfection. I thank you." As Bix threw his horn back in the case, he replied, "Hey, thanks, man. I figured it's the least I could do since I can't make the gig!"

A male pterodactyl flew down to a young female pterodactyl and attempted to have sex with her. She said, "You'd better not; I'm having my century!"

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Sunday, June 5, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] June 6, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

You don't need a tour bus with your name on it to enjoy Sight Gags!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2881

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Two musicians, who hadn't seen each other in years, met at a gig. "What's new?" "Well, I got married." "Congratulations! I didn't know." "I played on an album that went platinum." "Wow! I didn't hear about that." "And we're starting a world tour next week." "Man, I can't believe I didn't hear about that, either!" "And the other night, during a session at some tiny jazz club, I actually forgot the bridge to 'Killer Joe'." "Yeah, so I heard!"

Two gay guys watched a stunning redhead walk past Starbucks. One guy shook his head and said, "You know, Bob, it's times like this that make me wish I was a lesbian!"

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Joke For All

Thursday, June 30, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] June 30, 2011

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] June 29, 2011

Monday, June 27, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] June 28, 2011

Sunday, June 26, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] June 27, 2011

Thursday, June 23, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] June 24, 2011

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] June 23, 2011

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] June 22, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] June 21, 2011

Monday, June 20, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] June 20, 2011

Friday, June 17, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] June 17, 2011

Thursday, June 16, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] June 16, 2011

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] June 15, 2011

Monday, June 13, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] June 14, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] June 13, 2011

Friday, June 10, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] June 10, 2011

Thursday, June 9, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] June 9, 2011

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] June 8, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] June 7, 2011

Sunday, June 5, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] June 6, 2011

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