[cyberjoke3000] December 30, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Doug Bulger sends along this site of special interest to special people: Bookshelf Porn. Seriously. If you love libraries, this link's for you!
http://bookshelfporn.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

'Twas the week after Christmas and all through the house,
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.     
The cookies I'd nibbled; the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties was now 'round my waist.     
     
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!    
Then I walked to the store. (Less a walk than a lumber!)    
     
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared,      
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,   
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese,  
And the way I'd not said, "No, thank you, please."   
     
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt,  
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt, 
I said to myself, as only I can,    
"You can't spend the winter disguised as a man!"    
     
So away with the last of the sour cream dip,      
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.     
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished   
'Til all my additional ounces have vanished.
     
I won't have a cookie, not even a lick.    
I'll only chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie.  
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.    
     
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore,
But isn't that what January is for?    
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.    
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet! 

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[cyberjoke3000] December 29, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Jeff Katz sends along this video of Carolyn Hopkins, a name you've never heard and a face you've never seen but whose voice you will immediately recognize: she's the voice of more than 200 airports worldwide and many train stations, weather services, etc. Now you can put a face with that voice.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8w5P_6pS9MI 

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

If a farm wife leaves her husband and takes his tractor, does she write him a John Deere letter?

Women have two sets of lips: one to gripe with, the other to apologize with. 

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[cyberjoke3000] December 28, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Gary Orndorff sends along this modern cartoon in true Chuck Jones style: Ormie. It's the simple, 4-minute tale of a quest for cookies. Great Manciniesque music, too.
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=FrTbnczYAd4 

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Sentry: "Halt! Who goes there?" "I'm an American." Sentry: "Advance and recite the words of The Star Spangled Banner!" "I don't remember them." Sentry: "You may proceed!"

One foggy Scottish morn, Craig was driving through the hills to Inverness when out of the mist, a huge red-haired highlander stepped into the middle of the road. Six foot seven and built like a tank, with a huge red beard and, despite the gale force winds and freezing temperature, wearing only a kilt and a tweed shirt. Beside him stood an absolutely beautiful, shapely, young women with fair complexion and lovely red hair. Craig's attention was diverted from the young woman when the highlander jerked opened his car door, dragged him from behind the wheel and onto the road. "Masturbate!" he ordered. "Masturbate. Now! ...Or I'll bloody kill you." Craig dropped his trousers and went to work. Thinking of that gorgeous girl standing but a few feet away, it only took him a few moments. "Right," shouted the highlander. "Now do it again!" "But... " said Craig. "Now!!" bellowed the highlander. So Craig did it again. "And now again." And again. For two hours! Craig's arms were cramped, his member was rubbed raw, and, despite the mist, wind, and cold, he had broken out in a cold sweat, a jibbering heap on the ground, unable to walk. "Again!" ordered the highlander. "Man, I just can't do it again. You're gonna have to kill me," Craig whimpered. The highlander looked down at the pathetic heap lying on the road and said, "All right, then. Kin ye give my daughter a lift to Inverness?" 

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[cyberjoke3000] December 27, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Now the shopping rush is over and even the after-Christmas sales have ended, it’s time you spent a little quality time with some Sight Gags!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=3161

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

"Johnny, would you like some more alphabet soup?" "No, thanks, Mom, not another word!"

I once dated a girl who was so cold that, when you spread her legs, a little light came on! 

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[cyberjoke3000] December 26, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

The Urban Dictionary tells me I could have covered all bases with one word: Christmahanukwanzakah. As in, “Happy Christmahanukwanzakah to all!”

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Joe bought his wife a new artificial leg for Christmas and hid it in their closet. Unfortunately, she found it and confronted him with it. “This wouldn’t happen to be my only Christmas present from you, would it?” she asked. Caught, and quickly realizing his mistake, he recovered nicely. "No, of course not, dear! It's just ...a stocking stuffer!"

The Difference Between Xmas And Chanukah: Christmas is one day, the same day every year, December 25; Chanukah is 8 days. It starts the evening of the 24^th of Kislev, whenever that it; no one knows. (Jews also love December 25 as it’s another paid holiday; we go to movies and out for Chinese food and Israeli dancing.)  Christmas is a major holiday; Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays: “They tried to kill us. We survived. Let’s eat.” Christians get wonderful presents; Jews get practical presents. Christmas is always spelled the same way; no one knows how to spell Chanukah, Chanukkah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hanukkah, Hannukah, etc. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boyfriends whose partners expect special gifts; Jewish men, not so much. Christmas brings enormous electric bills; Chanukah uses candles. Christmas carols are beautiful; Chanukah songs are either about dreidels or dancing the hora. (But we’re secretly pleased that many carols were composed and performed by our tribal brethren.) Christmas homes smell wonderful with cookies and cakes baking and happy people gathered in festive moods; Chanukah homes smell of oil, potatoes, and onions and are full of loud people all talking at once, same as usual. Christian women love to bake Christmas cookies; Jewish women burn their eyes slicing onions and cut their hands grating potatoes for latkes. (More suffering.) Parents give gifts to their children on Christmas; Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding gifts on any of the eight nights. Christmas pageants feature names like Mary, Joseph, and Jesus; the Chanukah story is about Antiochus, Judah Maccabee, and Matta-whatever, which no one can spell nor pronounce. (Of course, we can tell our friends anything and they’ll believe we're fully versed in our history.) Christians believe in virgin birth; Jews think, “Yosseleh, snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant, you didn’t sleep with her, and now you want to blame God? Here’s the number of my shrink.” Recently, Christmas has grown more commercialized; ditto for Chanukah, although it’s a minor holiday. It makes sense. How could we market a major holiday such as Yom Kippur? Forget celebrating; think observing. “Come to synagogue, starve yourself for 27 hours, become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your chest and confess your sins. A guaranteed good time for the whole family. Tickets a mere $200 per person.” Nope, better stick with Chanukah! 

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[cyberjoke3000] December 23, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Robert Yetter sends along this Christmas flash mob concert at the University of Minnesota business school. Merry Christmas!

http://www.carlsonschool.umn.edu/holiday11 

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A married couple had been Christmas shopping for hours when the wife realized she hadn't seen her husband in a long time. She called his cell phone. "Where are you?" He replied, "Darling, do you remember that jewelry shop where we saw the diamond necklace that you loved but I couldn’t afford, but promised that someday it would be yours?" She smiled and cooed, "Why, yes, darling. I sure do." Her husband said, "I’m in the bar next to that shop!"

A blonde and a brunette were in the break room, discussing last night’s company Christmas party. “So? Didja get laid?” asked the brunette. “Sure did,” said the blonde. “Twice!” “Only twice?” said the brunette, skeptically. The blonde explained, “Yeah; once by the accounting department and once by the band!" 

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[cyberjoke3000] December 22, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Are you a member of “the 1%”? Need a last-minute gift for that special geek? Tech Republic has the Christmas gift guide for you: "Gifts For The Top 1% Of Geeks."

http://tek.io/rHZcn7 

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa!

For Christmas, Dominos is bringing out a new pizza named “Azz” because who doesn’t want a good pizza azz for Christmas?! 

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[cyberjoke3000] December 21, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Zadir sends along this Christmas greeting from Flixxy, courtesy of BBC One: David Attenborough reciting the lyrics to "What a Wonderful World" over beautiful images of our planet. Merry Christmas!
http://www.flixxy.com/wonderful-world-david-attenborough.htm 

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

I came home today and found all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone. What sick-o would do that to an Advent calendar?!

It was late on the night of the office Christmas party and, as they held each other closely, she whispered passionately, "Oh, Arthur! You've never made love to me like that before! Is it because of the Christmas spirit?" He answered, "Not really. It's probably because I'm not Arthur!" 

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[cyberjoke3000] December 20, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester (and world's greatest daughter) Megan Hughes sends along the “Awkward Family Photos: Holiday Edition” from Parenting Magazine. Spread a little holiday spirit by laughing at those unwilling or unable to edit the photos they share!
http://bit.ly/vDDXYK

This year, I’ve only received eight fresh Christmas jokes so you’ll get them for the rest of this week. 

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

How is Christmas like a day at the office? You do all the work and some fat man in a suit gets all the credit!

For Christmas this year, I got the usual: a shirt and a piece of a$$ ...both about two sizes too big! 

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[cyberjoke3000] December 19, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Only six shopping days left until the next new batch of Sight Gags!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=3151

Want a joke? Any of 6,000 jokes? Try my new joke database at http://www.allowe.com/cyberjoke.  

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The hot young co-ed purred, "Professor, surely you don't think I deserve an F, do you?" Her professor answered, "Maybe not, but that's the lowest grade they let me give!"

An lady of a certain age was walking down a dimly lit street when a man jumped out of the bushes. "Give me all your money!" he demanded. "I don't have any money," she stammered. He ordered, "Give me your money or ...I'll search you!" "I don't have any money." He started searching. She gasped. "You'd better give me your money right now," he said menacingly, "or I'm really going to search you!" "But I really don't have any!" she protested. So he really searched her. "You weren't kidding," he muttered angrily. "You really don't have any money." The old woman wailed, "For god's sake, don't stop now! I'll write you a check!"

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[cyberjoke3000] December 16, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

XXIT is a sci-fi short film starring Nicollette Sheridan shot completely with Canon SLR-style cameras. Even more interesting is the Making Of video (scroll down to see it) which shows how the SPX were done.
http://www.flixxy.com/xxit-sci-fi-short-film.htm 

 

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

 "Daddy, since your partner died this morning, can my boyfriend replace him?" "It's all right with me, Suzi, if you work it out with the undertaker!"

At a big cocktail party, an obstetrician's wife noticed an over-sexed busty blonde making over-tures at her husband. She tried to ignore it until she saw her drag her husband into a bedroom. She rushed to the room, pulled them apart, and yelled, "Look, lady! My husband delivers babies, he doesn't install them!"

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[cyberjoke3000] December 15, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Where will the holiday house-lighting madness end? Something tells me this one won't be the largest for long! (And why must they always choose such unmusical music?)

http://www.flixxy.com/best-christmas-lights-display.htm

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

 Two friends were riding in a bus when one noticed the other had his eyes closed. "What's the matter, Bill? Are you sick?" Bill replied, "No. I just can't bear to see an old lady standing!"

Two housewives were drinking coffee. Louise said, "I woke up this morning with an awful headache. Do you have a good remedy?" Martha responded, "For my headaches, my husband is my remedy. He rubs my shoulders and neck, caresses my breasts, kisses my tummy, and... well, you can guess the rest. In no time at all, I forget all about my headache. You should try it!" Louise smiled. "Sounds great! What time does he get home?"

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