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The Urban Dictionary tells me I could have covered all bases with one word: Christmahanukwanzakah. As in, “Happy Christmahanukwanzakah to all!”
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Today's
Joe bought his wife a new artificial leg for Christmas and hid it in their closet. Unfortunately, she found it and confronted him with it. “This wouldn’t happen to be my only Christmas present from you, would it?” she asked. Caught, and quickly realizing his mistake, he recovered nicely. "No, of course not, dear! It's just ...a stocking stuffer!"
The Difference Between Xmas And Chanukah: Christmas is one day, the same day every year, December 25; Chanukah is 8 days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that it; no one knows. (Jews also love December 25 as it’s another paid holiday; we go to movies and out for Chinese food and Israeli dancing.) Christmas is a major holiday; Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays: “They tried to kill us. We survived. Let’s eat.” Christians get wonderful presents; Jews get practical presents. Christmas is always spelled the same way; no one knows how to spell Chanukah, Chanukkah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hanukkah, Hannukah, etc. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boyfriends whose partners expect special gifts; Jewish men, not so much. Christmas brings enormous electric bills; Chanukah uses candles. Christmas carols are beautiful; Chanukah songs are either about dreidels or dancing the hora. (But we’re secretly pleased that many carols were composed and performed by our tribal brethren.) Christmas homes smell wonderful with cookies and cakes baking and happy people gathered in festive moods; Chanukah homes smell of oil, potatoes, and onions and are full of loud people all talking at once, same as usual. Christian women love to bake Christmas cookies; Jewish women burn their eyes slicing onions and cut their hands grating potatoes for latkes. (More suffering.) Parents give gifts to their children on Christmas; Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding gifts on any of the eight nights. Christmas pageants feature names like Mary, Joseph, and Jesus; the Chanukah story is about
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