Joke For All: January 2014

Friday, January 31, 2014

[cyberjoke3000] January 31, 2014

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Bob Yetter sends along this compilation video called "Beating on Technology to Make it Work." Great editing!
http://bit.ly/1eT66so

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

I won a million dollars in the lottery. I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now all I have is $999,999.75.

A plane crash left thirteen people stranded on a desert island, twelve women and a single man, Tom. Soon everyone was horny, so they worked out an arrangement: Tom would service two women each day and then he could take Sundays off. Tom thought this was a great idea but, after months of endless sex, it was apparent that he wasn't up to such "heavy lifting." One day, as he sat on the beach recuperating from his "job," he saw a boat. "Rescue!" thought Tom. But the boat crashed on the reef and one haggard man swam to shore. Still stranded, but at least Tom would have help. Tom greeted the newcomer. "Oh my God! Am I glad to see you!" The new man replied, "Oh, darling! I'm glad to see you too!" Tom moaned. "Oh, sh¡t. There goes Sundays!"

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Wednesday, January 29, 2014

[cyberjoke3000] January 30, 2014

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Thanks to all who informed me that yesterday’s tip was “for subscribers only.” See? I said you should subscribe! <grin> Seriously, it’s a great newsletter and I encourage you to try it out, even without the “free sample.”

You know the Internet is busy, but can you visualize just how busy? "Once second on the Internet" will show you graphically.
http://onesecond.designly.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

For Programmers Only: You have a programming problem. You decide to use floating point. Now you have 2.000000001 problems!

I wish I could eat a powdered doughnut without looking like I just came from a party at Charlie Sheen's house!

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[cyberjoke3000] January 29, 2014

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

I've subscribed to Windows Secrets for years and trust them completely. Here's their year-end list of recommended utilities for Windows. I've tried most of them, use many of them, and recommend them myself. And while you're at their site, subscribe.
http://windowssecrets.com/category/best-utilities

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

I told the bank teller that I was changing banks and wanted to open an account. "Great. What's the name of your former bank?" I said, "Piggy."

The sailor came home from a two-year mission to find his wife with a newborn baby. He was furious! "Was it my friend, Sam?" he demanded. "No," said his weeping wife. "Was it my friend, Jim?" "No!" she sobbed. "So which of my no-good former friends did this?" She looked up and snipped, "What? You think I don't have any friends of my own?!"

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Tuesday, January 28, 2014

[cyberjoke3000] January 28, 2014

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

To prepare for this weekend's orgy of Super Bowl ads, Old Spice jumped the gun with 9 parody websites. Maybe you should forward one of these to a friend who needs an "Internetervention." I can’t decide which is the funniest.
Soul Patch Powder: http://flavorpatch.com

Illegal Neck Workout Machine: http://zaneckworkouts.com

100 Percent Solid Gold Headset: http://glitzelectronics.com

100 Percent Black Leather Sheets: http://toughsheets.com

Cologne With Real Protein In It: http://smellpulse.com

Executive Spray Tan Parties: http://partytanz.com

The Push Up Muscle Shirt: http://theflatteringman.com

Brodos: Live Inside a Condo Inside a Gym: http://brodominiums.com

Bargain Tattoos of America: http://freshbodycoupons.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

I'm thinking about moving to England so my other arm can also get a tan!

A man on a business trip googled his smartphone for an "escort." He chose a beautiful athletic blond but, when she arrived at his hotel room, she was really an overweight tattooed Asian. "You look a lot different from your photo," he hesitated. She replied, "You're the ninth guy who's said that tonight, but it hasn't stopped anyone yet!"

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Monday, January 27, 2014

[cyberjoke3000] January 27, 2014

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Who needs a bigger truck? Or trunk?
http://www.allowe.com/humor/sight-gags.html?PicNumber=4161

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Did you hear about the Mexican racist? He joined the que que que.

Why Sex Is Better Than School: Everybody likes sex and nobody likes school, except for virgins and that's because they haven't had sex yet. Sex sucks, moans, licks, pumps, and throbs; school just sucks. After sex, you feel like smoking a cigarette; after school, you feel like smoking something a lot stronger. You get disciplined during sex, but only if you want it. Drinking drives people to sex, whereas school drives people to drink. Sex relieves stress; school causes stress. After sex, you feel like you've accomplished something. Sex is cheaper; even paying for a hooker is still cheaper than thousands for tuition. You can choose whether or not to have sex; at school, teachers screw you regardless!

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Thursday, January 23, 2014

[cyberjoke3000] January 24, 2014

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

20 cancer patients were invited to a studio. Their hair and makeup were completely redone. They got a complete makeover, with their eyes shut. A photographer then immortalized the moment they opened their eyes. They forgot their illness, "If Only For A Second."

http://youtu.be/pMWU8dEKwXw

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

If you watch Jaws backwards, it's the story of a shark who vomits so many people that they have to open a beach.

I'm tired of women coming up with excuses to avoid sex, like "I'm tired," "I've got a headache," or "I'm your sister-in-law!"

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Wednesday, January 22, 2014

[cyberjoke3000] January 23, 2014

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Google has a new way to look at the history of music: Music Timeline. Drawing on the songs that reside in millions of Google Play users' collections, they created a visualization of the popularity of various artists and genres from 1950 to today.
http://research.google.com/bigpicture/music
And here's an article discussing the Music Timeline in more depth:
http://bit.ly/1e0u19G

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

"I went out on a blind date last night." "Yeah? How was she?" "Well, I told her 'time stands still when I look into your eyes'." "Wow. Smooth. I bet she loved that." "Yeah, but what I really meant was, 'Your face would stop a clock'!"

"I see you changed your Facebook relationship status to 'It's complicated'." "Yeah. So?" "What's wrong? Can't decide which hand to use?"

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Tuesday, January 21, 2014

[cyberjoke3000] January 22, 2014

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Peter M. Slocombe sends along "The History of English in 10 minutes," an amusing, fast-paced video that will teach you more in a short time as I learned in school!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H3r9bOkYW9s

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

If tomatoes are fruit, then is ketchup technically a smoothie?

Daughter texted Mom: "Hello mom, I need your advice. I have some of my boyfriend's cum stuck in my hair. How do I get it out? Will I have to cut it out?" Mom: "It's nice you can send me such a frank text. No, you won't have to cut it out. I've had loads of cum in my hair over the years and it will just wash out." Daughter: "OMG, mom! Sorry, I misspelled gum!"

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Monday, January 20, 2014

[cyberjoke3000] January 21, 2014

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Ever seen a train lay its own track? CyberJokester Jeannie Melvin shares this video showing the modern "road gang." It’s a far cry from building the railroads of the past.

http://www.wimp.com/traintrack

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Evidently, when my wife says, "Do something to surprise me," she doesn't mean fill her purse with salsa and chips!

Overly-Suave I.T. Guy: You still use Internet Explorer; you must like it nice and slow! Ladies, when I'm done, your interface with be GUI! Is your name Google ...because you have everything I'm searching for! Girl, come over to my 127.0.0.1 and I'll give you sudo access! Please don't hesitate to call me if you ever need to get rid of a trojan! Girl, I'm elevating your permissions; you may now access my D:! Are your pants a compressed file ...because I'd love to unzip them! Girl, are you sittin' on an F5 key, 'cause that a$$ is refreshing! You say you have a trojan? I'm gonna need to take a look at that back door! I hope you're an ISO file ...because I'd love to mount you! That ass must be critical data 'cause I wanna back it up! Girl, my servers never go down -- but I do!

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Sunday, January 19, 2014

[cyberjoke3000] January 20, 2014

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Go Seahawks! All the way to the Super Bowl!!
http://www.allowe.com/humor/sight-gags.html?PicNumber=4151

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Have a rough day? Try this: Picture lying on a warm rock overhanging a clear stream. Birds sing sweetly. No one knows about your secret retreat. Sheltered from the hectic pace of the everyday world, serenity flows. Your arms are elbow deep in the cool running water, which is so pure that you can clearly see the struggling Congressman you're holding underwater. See? Don't you feel better already?

Cleavage is like the sun: unprotected, you can only glance at it, but wear sunglasses and you can stare much longer!

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Friday, January 17, 2014

[cyberjoke3000] January 17, 2014

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Google now thinks that anyone should be able to email you! If you disagree (and I do!), follow PCmag.com's step-by-step instructions here:

http://bit.ly/1eIgoNh

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Even at my age, I still have hair falling in my eyes. Sadly, it's now my eyebrows!

If you think technology will someday replace paper, try wiping your a$$ with an iPad!

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Wednesday, January 15, 2014

[cyberjoke3000] January 16, 2014

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Thanks to CyberJokesters Herman De Waal and Wallace Krebs for correcting yesterday's error: I should have said to prevent data loss you want a "non data" or "charging only" USB cable. Instead, I said the opposite. My apologies. (And the Amazon page even has it in all caps: "NO DATA FUNCTION"!)

http://amzn.to/1eHBBXu

Want to see actual levitation? Japanese scientists use standing acoustic waves to suspend lightweight objects in mid-air. Watch this video to believe it:
http://bit.ly/1i2f6Nn

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Yesterday I saw Hannibal Lecter holding up a sign that read, "Will work for you!"

A guy sat down at the bar and said, "Gimme five shots, please." The bartender thought this odd, but lined up five before him. The man quickly downed them and then said, "Gimme four shots, please." The bartender lined up four and the man downed all of them, too. He swayed slightly and said, "Gimme three shots." Again, he knocked 'em down. "Two more!" Down they went. "Another!" When the bartender had filled the glass, the man just sat there for a moment, staring at it, trying to focus. He told the bartender, "Funny, but the less I drink, the drunker I get!"

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Joke For All

Friday, January 31, 2014

[cyberjoke3000] January 31, 2014

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

[cyberjoke3000] January 30, 2014

[cyberjoke3000] January 29, 2014

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

[cyberjoke3000] January 28, 2014

Monday, January 27, 2014

[cyberjoke3000] January 27, 2014

Thursday, January 23, 2014

[cyberjoke3000] January 24, 2014

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

[cyberjoke3000] January 23, 2014

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

[cyberjoke3000] January 22, 2014

Monday, January 20, 2014

[cyberjoke3000] January 21, 2014

Sunday, January 19, 2014

[cyberjoke3000] January 20, 2014

Friday, January 17, 2014

[cyberjoke3000] January 17, 2014

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

[cyberjoke3000] January 16, 2014

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