[cyberjoke3000] January 29, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Today only, the current version of WinPatrol, normally $30, is only 99¢! This is a one-day experiment starting at midnight EST on Jan 29th for 24 hours only. You can read all about it on the site. The license will be good for life.
http://www.winpatrol.com/

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

"Thanks for giving me that harmonica for my birthday," said Little Johnny. "It's the best present I ever got!" "I'm glad you like it," said his uncle. "Have you learned how to play it already?" "Oh, I don't play it at all," Little Johnny replied. "Mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and Dad gives me a dollar a night not to play it during the night!"

A man was trying to enjoy a drink at the bar but couldn't because two women were arguing loudly beside him. One said, "If a guy sleeps with a bunch of different girls he's a legend, but if a girl sleeps with a bunch of different guys, she's a slut." The man interjected, "If a key opens lots of locks it's a master key, but if a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it's a crappy lock." They got mad and left and he got two free beers!

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[cyberjoke3000] January 28, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Zadir sends along the fantastic wave photography of Clark Little:
http://www.webdesignerdepot.com/2009/06/the-fantastic-photography-of-clark-little/

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. All three were dead on arrival at the emergency room. But, just as they put a toe tag on the American, he opened his eyes. The astonished doctor asked what happened. "Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then a beautiful light, and suddenly the three of us stood at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter said that, since we were all so young, for $50 we could return to Earth. I pulled out my wallet, gave him a fifty and the next thing I knew I was here." "Amazing!" said one doctor. "But what happened to the other two?" The American replied, "Last I saw them, the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his!"

A group of monks in white robes circled a large urn containing flowers, chanting, raising their hands, bowing to the urn, and performing some kind of ritual on one young member of the group. It appeared to be a vase sect to me.

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[cyberjoke3000] January 27, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Coca-Cola put a "special" Coke machine in a college cafeteria to spread a little happiness. I defy you to watch this video and not smile yourself!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lqT_dPApj9U

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Tony was practicing piano late one night when there was a knock on the door. He opened it and found an angry man who growled, "Do you know there is a sick woman upstairs?" Tony answered, "No, but if you'll sing me a few bars I can probably fake it!"

After months of listening to the salesman's sexual innuendo, the receptionist finally confronted him: "What exactly are you trying to say?" He softly replied, "That I'd like to get into your pants." She grimaced and said, "Why? There's already one a$$hole in there!"

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[cyberjoke3000] January 26, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Dave Goordman sends along The Known Universe, a video by the American Museum of Natural History that takes you from Earth to the edge of the space-time continuum.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=17jymDn0W6U

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The Senility Prayer: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do like, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

What's the difference between a hobo and a homo? One is alone, with no friends while the other has friends up the a$$!

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[cyberjoke3000] January 25, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

You know you just don't feel right on Monday mornings without a few good sight gags.
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2171

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A reward of 500 microfarads is offered for information leading to the arrest of the desperate criminal, Hop-A-Long Capacity. This unrectified criminal escaped from a primary cell where he had been clamped in ions awaiting the gauss chamber. He was charged with the induction of an 18 turn coil named Millihenry who was found choked and robbed of valuable joules. He is armed with a carbon rod and is a potential killer. If encountered, he may offer a series of resistance. Capacity is also charged with driving D. C. Motor over a Wheatstone bridge and refusing to let the band-pass. The electromotive force spent the night searching for him in a magnetic field, where he had gone to earth. They had no success and believed he had returned ohm via a short circuit. He was last seen riding a kilocycle with his friend Eddy Current, who was playing a harmonic.

Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time!

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[cyberjoke3000] January 22, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Here's a page about 10 strange things that have actually fallen from the sky:
http://www.popularmechanics.com/science/earth/4331114.html

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Turn-of-the-century deli workers were able to eat anything they liked during their lunch hour except the smoked salmon. Thus was created the world's first anti-lox breaks!

How did the blonde get a job at a prestigious country club? She told them she was good at handling members!

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[cyberjoke3000] January 21, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Peter Vils Hansen sends along this set of six ten-minute videos showing how James May (of Top Gear fame) used 3,000,000 Legos to build a full-sized house. Just imagine the logistics, let alone the engineering.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DPYcH5lzmoE

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

When I was young, I loved to take things apart. But the last straw came when I accidentally fried the motherboard on our family's computer. I was grounded and it never happened again!

A man was sitting alone in an empty bar when a gorgeous woman sat down just a couple of stools away from him. He wanted to strike up a conversation but hesitated too long and, while he tried to figure out his big move, she left. A few minutes later, she returned. He figured it must be destiny and went over to her to finally make his move. "So?" he started, "did you just take a dump?"

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[cyberjoke3000] January 20, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Donald O'Connor was one of the Hollywood studio system's great finds: actor, singer, dancer, comedian and amazing at all of them. Here's his classic "Make 'Em Laugh!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2oWk4ZiuSHE

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

I just read that photons have mass. I didn't know they were Catholic!

Two blondes were at the perfume counter. One sprayed a sample on her wrist, smelled it, and said, "Do you like this one, Tracy?" Tracy sniffed and said, "Yeah, what's it called, Sharon?" "Viens a moi." Tracy asked, "Viens a moi? What's that mean?" The clerk answered, "Viens a moi is French for 'come to me.' " Sharon took another sniff. "It doesn't smell like come to me. Tracy, does it smell like come to you?"

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[cyberjoke3000] January 19, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Bob Yetter sends along this interesting page from the National Weather Service's web site showing snow rollers, resulting from a rare combination of wind and snow conditions. I had no idea!
http://www.wrh.noaa.gov/otx/photo_gallery/snow_rollers.php

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

What do you call a blond with two brain cells? Pregnant!

Did you hear about the man who deliberately forgot to take his wallet to the body sushi restaurant? He hoped they'd make him do the dishes!

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[cyberjoke3000] January 18, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

I'm pretty sure it's a well-known fact that Dr. Martin Luther King loved sight gags. Why not you, too?
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2161

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Pointy-Haired Boss: "The C.E.O. says we need some eunuch programmers." Dilbert: "I think he meant Unix programmers. I already know Unix." Pointy-Haired Boss: "If the company nurse drops by, tell her I said, 'never mind.' "

A woman was walking through a cemetery when she spied a man crouched behind a tombstone. She greeted him with a cheery, "Morning." He answered, "Nope. Just taking a dump!"

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[cyberjoke3000] January 15, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Jack Pines set up SkyDrive and then, while looking for a tool to do what SkyDrive Explorer does, found Gladinet Cloud Desktop, a free Windows Explorer extension which provides tons of functionality, including copying folders. And it works with a dozen different online storage sites. Click the link below, then under "Cloud Desktop," click "Download" to find the free version.
http://www.gladinet.com/

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Eight bytes walked into a bar. The bartender asked, "May I get you anything?" The bytes replied, "Yeah. Make us a double!"

A woman told the tattoo artist, "I want two tattoos, one of a turkey on my right inner thigh and another of a Christmas tree on my left inner thigh." The tattoo artist looked confused. "Lady, I'll do anything my customers want, but I gotta ask: why would you want a turkey on one thigh and a Christmas tree on the other?" She smiled and said, "Because I'm tired of my husband complaining there's nothing to eat between the holidays!"

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[cyberjoke3000] January 14, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Joseph Heilman gave me an update on adrive.com, one of the first online storage companies. They offer 50 GB for free now (up from 5, the last time I visited there).
http://www.adrive.com/

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Did you hear about the red ship that collided with a blue ship? Both crews were marooned!

A pilot was forced into an emergency landing in a farmer's field. The farmer took the pilot back to his house, where the farmer kept a golden fiddle above the fireplace. The farmer then introduced the pilot to his beautiful wife. "How do you trust her here all day alone while you're out working the fields?" "Oh, I trust her," said the farmer. "She's never been unfaithful." The pilot thought a moment and then said, "Are you a betting man? I'll make you a little bet: if I can take her upstairs and she remains faithful for two hours, you can have my airplane. If not, I get your golden fiddle." The farmer replied, "Deal." The pilot took the wife upstairs. After an hour, the farmer started playing the fiddle. "Be true to me / Be true for just two hours. / Be true to me / And his airplane will be ours." Soon his wife came down the stairs. "Darling, did you stay true to me?" She picked up his fiddle, and started playing. "He kissed me on the lips / He kissed me on the t¡ts / He kissed me in the middle. / He kissed a spot that you forgot / And you lost that friggin' fiddle!"

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[cyberjoke3000] January 13, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Did you sign up for your free 25GB of storage yesterday on Skydrive? If so, download SkyDrive Explorer and you can copy files back and forth using a Windows Explorer. But, for some odd reason, you can't copy folders, just files, so it's going to take you a while. Still, it is free, too:
http://skydriveexplorer.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A 55-year-old man, born on 5/5/55, married 5 years, with 5 children, who makes $55,555.55 a year, received a phone call from a friend telling him that a horse named Lucky 5 was running in the 5th race that afternoon. The man excitedly withdrew $5,555 from his bank account, went to the racetrack, and bet it all on Lucky 5 to win. Sure enough--the horse came in… fifth!

What do you call two cannibals having oral sex? Trust.

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[cyberjoke3000] January 12, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Remember when you could get 5GB of free online storage? That's so last decade! Microsoft's Skydrive (a part of Live.com) now gives you 25GB for free.
http://skydrive.live.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Torrential rainstorms flattened power lines all over. The electric company dispatched repairmen right and left. When one lineman called a customer to check her address, she told him, "My address is P. O. Box 397." The weary lineman replied, "Ma'am, I'm coming in a truck, not an envelope!"

What's the difference between a young hooker and an old hooker? The young hooker uses Vaseline; the old hooker uses Poli-Grip.

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[cyberjoke3000] January 11, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

It's Monday. You've already dented your New Year's Resolutions. May as well spend a few minutes looking at sight gags:
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2151

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A game warden saw Little Johnny carrying a wild turkey under his arm. He asked him, "Where did you get that turkey?" Little Johnny replied, "What turkey?" "That turkey under your arm." Little Johnny looked down and said, "Well, lookee here. A turkey done roosted under my arm!" "Now look, son. You know turkey season is over, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm gonna do to you. If you break his leg, I'll break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. So, exactly what are you gonna do with that turkey?" Little Johnny replied, "I guess I'm gonna kiss his a$$ and let him go!"

Paddy and Mick went to London to donate sperm. But it was a disaster. Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!

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[cyberjoke3000] January 8, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester JJ Steadman sends along this cool video of 3D animation projected onto the sides of buildings. You must see this to understand:
http://vimeo.com/4238052

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Many police officers still write reports by hand and then a computer tech enters the data into the database. One tech thought surely a theft report of a farmer losing 2,025 pigs had to be in error. He called the farmer directly and asked, "Mr. Smith, Is it true that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked. "Yeth," lisped the farmer. The tech responded, "Okay. Thank you." She then entered: "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."

A couple, who had been married for years, was making love. He asked, "What's wrong, dear? Did I hurt you?" "No," she replied. "Why do you ask?" He said, "You moved!"

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I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.

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[cyberjoke3000] January 7, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Wallace Krebs sends along this look at CES. No, not the CES that's currently taking place in Las Vegas...the CES of 1983!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5uv9xuZk294

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A lobbyist in Washington, D.C. had just finished meeting with a Congressman when he stopped to use the restroom. After washing his hands, he saw some wag had penciled in on the hand dryer: "Push button for a message from Congress."

When do Jewish men stop masturbating? When their wives die!

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I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.

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[cyberjoke3000] January 6, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Dan Rosenbluth sends along this profanely-named site that contains photos that, at first glance, appear to be similar to my sight gags, but... there's something hidden in the photo that's either funny or bizarre or, occasionally, outright creepy. Sometimes the trick is to find it!
http://shitbrix.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

An elderly couple hadn't been bar-hopping in years but they decided that tonight was the night. They found what looked like a friendly little tavern and sat down at the bar. After the bartender brought their drinks, the husband turned to toast his wife and stopped mid-sentence. "Honey, look down there. See that elderly couple at the other end of the bar? I bet that's what you and I will look like in another ten years or so." His wife responded, "You old fool. That's a mirror!"

What should you do if you come across an elephant? Apologize and wipe it off.

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.

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[cyberjoke3000] January 5, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

It's amazing just how fast high-speed cameras are today. For example, check these out:
http://pixdaus.com/single.php?id=43807

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A husband was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice call from the kitchen, "What would you like for dinner, honey? Chicken, beef or lamb?" He yelled back, "Thanks, dear, I'll have the chicken." "Shut up. I was talking to the cat!"

Definition of alimony: the screwing you get for the screwing you got!

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For more humor, visit allowe.com.
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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.

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