Joke For All: February 2011

Monday, February 28, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] February 28, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Why is it the Academy Awards have no category for sight gags? Here's a few winners for you:
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2741

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

I had pizza with Garry Kasporov at an Italian restaurant, complete with a checked tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the parmesan cheese!

Grandma answered the doorbell, quickly closed the door, and returned to her chair. "Who was it, Grandma?" asked her grandson. She answered, "Oh, just some man selling raincoats." "That's strange. Are you sure that he was selling raincoats?" Grandma said, "He must have been selling raincoats, because he had nothing on underneath!"

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Friday, February 25, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] February 25, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester George Mitchell thinks Baseball-Reference.com is a good site, but FanGraphs.com is better. It includes everything on B-R.com, plus newer stats which do a better job of isolating individual player's contributions, like FIP, wOBA, and UZR. It has articles describing what those are, how they're determined, and why they're better. Or, as George says, "Real nerds use Fangraphs":
http://www.fangraphs.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

I asked a gymnastics instructor, "Can you teach me to do the splits?" She replied, "How flexible are you?" I told her, "I can't make Tuesdays...."

According to archaeologists, Neanderthal men were not fully erect for millions of years. Which is easy to understand, considering the looks of Neanderthal women!

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Wednesday, February 23, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] February 24, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

In honor of the recent start of Major League Baseball's spring training, CyberJokester Gary Orndorff sends along "Baseball Reference," a website that seems to have every possible baseball statistic known...and then some.
http://www.baseball-reference.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

I answered a knock on the door this morning to find a young man who said, "I'm a Jehovah's Witness and I'd like to speak with you." I told him, "Come on in." He did and I asked, "So? What do you want to talk about?" He looked confused. "I don't know; I've never gotten this far before!"

Definition of layover: When she hangs around for a second night!

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Tuesday, February 22, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] February 23, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Mike Schilling sends along this short but interesting time-lapse video showing a theater crew removing an old set and replacing it with the next one.
http://vimeo.com/groups/1592/videos/20076690

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A husband just couldn't keep his wife off the telephone. No matter which friend called, she chattered away for hours! He tried to convince her to talk less, to no avail. But one evening she hung up after only a half-hour or so. He said, "See? You can talk less and still enjoy it. By the way, who was that?" She answered, "I dunno. Wrong number."

"Vern, how'd ya get the black eye?" "Well, I bought my girlfriend a dozen roses, a box of chocolates, and a sexy negligee for Valentine's Day." "And she hit you?" "No. I left the receipts in my pocket and my wife found 'em!"

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Monday, February 21, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] February 22, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Joseph Lallo, editor of www.BrainLazy.com, informs me that Leisure Suit Larry just made the Guinness Book of World Records: Gaming Edition's list of the Top 50 Video Game Characters of all time. I'm honored. And surprised! After a quarter-century, something (someone?) I created is still remembered. You can read more about it here:
http://bit.ly/ii987A

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A mobster was charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be fair, he claimed he only intended to rough him up a little!

Mrs. Kummer was playing "Name That Animal" with her first-grade class. She held up a photograph of a cat and asked, "What kind of animal is this?" "A cat!" said Little Suzi. "Good job, Suzi! Now, what's this?" "A dog!" said Little Ricky. "Good, Ricky! Now what is this?" she asked and held up a photo of a mature male deer with an 8-point rack. The class fell silent. After a few moments, she prompted, "It's what your mom calls your dad." Little Johnny's hand shot up. "It's a horny bastard!"

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Sunday, February 20, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] February 21, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

President's Day is the perfect day to sit back, reflect on this great country we live in, and waste an hour with some new sight gags!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2731

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

I was invited to a party and told to "dress to kill." Apparently they weren't expecting fatigues, a beard, and a backpack filled with explosives!

It was Valentine's Day and the little old couple was sitting on the couch watching TV. On a lark, he switched to the Playboy Channel. After a few minutes, they were feeling frisky. "Do you think we can still do that?" "Well, we can try!" They shuffled off, he to the bathroom to get ready, she to the bedroom, where she took off all her clothes. When he came out of the bathroom, there she was, naked, doing a headstand near the bed. "What are you doing?" he asked. She replied, "I figured that, if you couldn't get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!"

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Thursday, February 17, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] February 18, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Since we're discussing Directory Assistance this week, I must now admit that I haven't actually dialed 411 in years, nor opened a phone book. I go to Google Maps (either on my computer or my new Android phone) and enter the name. It gives you local businesses first, and usually has the latest address and phone number, too. Try it!
http://maps.google.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

"What did your mother do yesterday, Vicky?" "She done her shopping, teacher." "Done her shopping? Where's your grammar?" "She done her shopping, too!"

My wife and I returned to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time, it was I who stayed in the bathroom and cried!

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[cyberjoke3000] February 17, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Wallace Krebs informs me that GOOG411 was replaced with GoogleSMS. Text a query to 466453 (Google) and they will text back your search results. Great for non-smart phones, if you have a text messaging plan. (Otherwise, the several responses could cost as much as a Directory Assistance call!) For details, see:
http://www.google.com/mobile/products/sms.html#p=default

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 3 AM. Three in the morning! Fortunately, I was still awake... practicing my drums.

I did something last night I haven't done in years; I got really hammered. Knowing I was wasted, I did something else I've never done before: I took the bus home. I arrived safe and sound, which is surprising, since I've never driven one before!

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Wednesday, February 16, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] February 16, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Larry Buchanan sends along 800FREE411. That's not a website, but a free, ad-supported directory assistance replacement for your cell phone. I used GOOG411 for years, but Google dropped it recently. My cell carrier is now up to $1.80 per DA call; I'll listen to an ad for $2! Just dial 800-3733-411.

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

My wife hired a recent Eastern European immigrant to clean our house, but it took her all day just to vacuum our carpets. Turned out she was a Slovak!

Jim awoke in front of the TV to a loud scream from the bedroom. He ran in just as some guy leapt out the window. "Jim! Help! That guy just screwed me twice!" "Twice? Why didn't you yell after the first time?" "Because, until he started up the second time, I thought he was you!"

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Monday, February 14, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] February 15, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Watch how doctors can now use a new "spray gun" to heal severe burns in a matter of mere days. (Caution: contains some graphic images of burn.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eXO_ApjKPaI

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

"Look, grandmother. I made you a cup of coffee so you could drink it in bed." "Johnny, that's so sweet. Thank you so much!" She took a sip; it was the worst coffee she'd ever tasted! But she forced it down because the little fellow was so proud. Nearing the bottom, she saw three little green army men in the bottom of the cup. "Honey, why are there three of your army men in my cup?" Her grandson proudly replied, "It's like on TV, Grandma: the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.' "

"My husband and I have Olympic sex." "Wow. That must be terrific!" "Not really; it only happens once every four years!"

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[cyberjoke3000] February 14, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

What's better to give your Valentine than the gift of sight gags? (And the price is still low, too!)
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2721

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Just how bad is the economy? The economy is so bad... African television now shows commercials to "Sponsor an American Child!"

Wives are funny; they don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then want to kill some woman who does!

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Thursday, February 10, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] February 11, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Want to experience flying low over British Columbia? Here's a helicopter view with a twist: you can look up, down, and even behind just by clicking and dragging the video image.
http://www.flixxy.com/interactive-360-helicopter-view.htm

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Dear God: This year, all I ask for is a big, fat bank account and a slim body. And please don't mix them up like you did last year. Amen.

Just how bad is the economy? The economy is so bad... women are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries!

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[cyberjoke3000] February 10, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Love playing solitaire? This is your site! CyberJokester Bob Barrettt sends along a website featuring more than 40 different free solitaire games.
http://justsolitaire.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The Weather Service issued a travel warning due to the freezing weather: Anyone traveling should be sure they have a shovel, blanket, sleeping bag, extra clothing, hat and gloves, enough food for 24 hours, deicer, rock salt, a flashlight with spare batteries, road flares or reflective triangles, an empty gas can, a first aid kit, and booster cables. This morning, I looked like an idiot on the bus!

How are eggs Benedict like a blow job? Rarely does a married man get either at home!

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Tuesday, February 8, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] February 9, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Ann Orgel sends along Paula Deen's recipe for English Peas. While the "recipe" consists of adding a stick of butter to two cans of peas (seriously!), that's not the reason to visit. Instead, read the hundreds of hysterical "reviews!"
http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/paula-deen/english-peas-recipe/index.html

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Some city slickers bought a ranch to raise cattle. A friend stopped by to see the new spread and asked its name. The would-be cattleman answered, "Well, I wanted to call it the Bar-J. My wife favored Suzy-Q. Our son liked Flying-W. And our daughter wanted Lazy-Y. So, we compromised: we call it the 'Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y.' " "That's quite a mouthful. So where are your cattle?" "They didn't survive the branding!"

A blonde walking down the street sees a banana peel a hundred yards ahead. She sighed, "Here we go again."

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Monday, February 7, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] February 8, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Joe Cool Rocketman sends along a series of jokes too long for CyberJoke 3000™ but funny enough to get a page on my site: laugh at "The Economy is So Bad..."
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/book/The%20Economy%20Is%20So%20Bad.htm

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

"Little Johnny, tell the class what your father does for a living." "He's a magician, teacher." "Oh, really? What's his favorite trick?" "Cutting a person in half." "How many brothers and sisters do you have?" "One half-brother and one half-sister."

I found a bored local housewife on the Internet who said she was looking for some hot action. So I sent her my ironing.

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Sunday, February 6, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] February 7, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Whether you believe in groundhog prognosticators or not, you're going to get (at least) six more weeks of sight gags!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2711

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

After spilling spaghetti sauce on a favorite white sweater, I took it to Mr. Wong's laundry. Mr. Wong said, "Come back Thursday," which I did. Mr. Wong apologized profusely, explaining that this stain was beyond even his powers to expunge. "But I'll send it to my brother, who has been in the laundry business even longer than I. I'm sure he can remove this extraordinary stain. Come back Tuesday." I did. But even Mr. Wong's brother couldn't remove this stain. I guess it's true: two Wongs can't make a white!

Did you hear about the boy bubble who chased the girl bubble? He wanted to see her bust!

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Friday, February 4, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] February 4, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester John S. Loder sends along Oddee's "10 Funniest TV Interviews Gone Wrong." Very funny stuff here:
http://www.oddee.com/item_97253.aspx

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Definition of a cannibal: Someone who is fed up with people.

Barbi told her gynecologist, "Doc, what's wrong with me? I have stamps coming out 'down there'." "Stamps? Are you sure? Please climb into the stirrups and let me see." He examined her, removed one, and announced, "Barbi, these aren't stamps; they're Chiquita stickers!"

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Thursday, February 3, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] February 3, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

ArsTechnica has released what may well be the best History of Adventure Games that I've ever read. Intelligent analysis, good writing, plenty of screenshots... a good read!
http://arstechnica.com/gaming/reviews/2011/01/history-of-graphic-adventures.ars/

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Why does it take so long to build a blonde snowman? You have to hollow out the head!

The Man's Poem: I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac gymnast with big tits who owns a bar on a golf course and wants me to hunt, fish and drink. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh¡t!

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Wednesday, February 2, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] February 2, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Jed R. Feiman sends along Movie Triangles, a fun new type of movie game that reminds one of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. See what you think:
http://movietriangles.appspot.com/Main.jsp
Here's his story on "the making of" the game:
http://jimblackler.net/blog/?p=209

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

Why is it best to have an affair with an older women? They don't yell, they don't tell, they don't swell, and they're grateful as hell!

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Joke For All

Monday, February 28, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] February 28, 2011

Friday, February 25, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] February 25, 2011

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] February 24, 2011

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] February 23, 2011

Monday, February 21, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] February 22, 2011

Sunday, February 20, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] February 21, 2011

Thursday, February 17, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] February 18, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] February 17, 2011

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] February 16, 2011

Monday, February 14, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] February 15, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] February 14, 2011

Thursday, February 10, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] February 11, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] February 10, 2011

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] February 9, 2011

Monday, February 7, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] February 8, 2011

Sunday, February 6, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] February 7, 2011

Friday, February 4, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] February 4, 2011

Thursday, February 3, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] February 3, 2011

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] February 2, 2011

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