Joke For All: April 2011

Thursday, April 28, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] April 29, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Candy Chang repainted an eyesore wall with multiple instances of "Before I die I want to __________," then posted chalk, encouraging the public to share their thoughts. Look at what happened:
http://candychang.com/before-i-die-in-nola

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand? " The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

A sailor, at sea for a long time, was anxious to see his girlfriend. He emailed her, "I've missed you so much! I can't wait to make love to you. Meet me at the pier, bring the station wagon, and put a mattress in the back so we can do it as soon as I step ashore." She, just as horny as he was, replied, "I'll ready the station wagon but you'd better be the first one off that ship, sailor, 'cause I ain't checking I.D.'s!"

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I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.

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Wednesday, April 27, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] April 27, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Upload your own image and text and get a wanted poster, or dozens of other effects, plus edit, fade, crop, overlay and much more.
http://www.tuxpi.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I am 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

Why do Jewish men watch porno backwards? Because they love that part where the hooker gives back the money!

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Sunday, April 24, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] April 25, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

What? It's Monday already? I've got to find you some Sight Gags! Wait. Here they are:
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2821

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The doctor called Mrs. Cohen. "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen said, "So did my arthritis!"

A princess, walking past a pond in the royal gardens, looked down and saw a hideous frog. "My, you're an ugly frog!" To her surprise, the frog replied, "I know. I had a really bad spell cast on me." "Well, I've seen frogs with bad spells before, but none as ugly as you." "Look, lady: just leave me alone. Like I said, it was a really bad spell." The princess wavered. "So, if I do kiss you, will you turn into a handsome prince?" The frog concluded, "I doubt it. A spell this bad will probably take a blow job!"

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Thursday, April 21, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] April 22, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Gary Orndorff shares Festo's robotic flying drone styled like a seagull. It weighs less than an iPad, yet flaps and even twists its wings and turns its head and tail. Imagine the spy camera possibilities!
http://bit.ly/eTjKSM

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The doctor gave me six months to live. When I couldn't pay my bill, he gave me another six months!

Two nuns were walking back to the nunnery from downtown when, from out of a dark alley, two thugs jumped them and started to rape them. One nun cried out to heaven, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do!" The second nun responded, "This one sure do!"

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Wednesday, April 20, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] April 21, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Dave Goordman sends along this video of a railroad train laying its own tracks. We've come a long way from the days of the transcontinental railroad's thousands of men to do the same job.
http://www.wimp.com/traintrack/

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport!

What's the difference between a paycheck and a pen¡s? You can always find a girl to blow your paycheck!

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Tuesday, April 19, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] April 20, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Everyone's seen a magician cut a woman in half -- but have you ever seen it done inside a clear plastic box? You know it's just a trick, but... how?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VULCqxENIWk

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

My wife and I got a hotel room with a waterbed. My wife named it "The Dead Sea!"

What's the best cure for hangover? Vomiting. What if you can't vomit? Put one finger in your mouth and another finger in your a$$. If that doesn't work, switch fingers!

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Monday, April 18, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] April 19, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

One thing I never anticipated about sharing my little first paragraph tips is the wonderful feedback you provide to me! Remember last week when I recommended Roboform as your password manager/web form filler? CyberJokester Tom Day says he used Roboform until he hit the free version's password limit. He now recommends LastPass, which is free and has no limit. Or, for a extra buck a month, it also works on smartphones. Since it stores your info securely on its servers, you do need an Internet connection, but then if you're surfing, that's no problem.

And Charter CyberJokester Neil Rubenking recently reviewed all the major password managers for PC Magazine; he, too, found LastPass best! Read his article, Six Great Password Managers here:
http://www.pcmag.com/article2/0,2817,2381432,00.asp
Thanks to all who responded. After over a decade with RF, it appears I'm due for a PW manager update!

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The trouble with lawyer jokes is that lawyers don't think they're funny and everybody else thinks they're not jokes!

The traveling salesman's car broke down near a farm. "Can I spend the night?" "Sure, but we only have one bed, so you'll have to sleep with my wife and me." "Okay." During the night, the wife woke the salesman and whispered, "If you come over here, we can have some fun." He whispered back, "Are you crazy? Your husband might be awake." She thought a moment and then suggests, "Pull a hair from his butt; if he stays asleep, come over." He did, the farmer didn't move, he went over and they had some fun. When they were done, she still wanted more, so he pulled out another hair. Still safe. More fun. And again and again, until finally the farmer complained, "Look, buddy, I don't mind you messing with my wife, but do you have to use my a$$ as a scoreboard?!"

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Sunday, April 17, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] April 18, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Thank goodness there's no late filing penalty with Sight Gags!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2811

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A man walked into a bar carrying a dog with no legs and placed it on the bar. The bartender said, "Look at that: a dog with no legs! What do you call him?" The man replied, "I named him 'Cigarette,' because every night, I take him out for a drag!"

"Doc, I'm afraid to get married because my pen¡s is so small." The doctor suggested, "Get a job on a dairy farm. Every day, dip it in cow's milk and then let a calf suck all the milk off. That will make it bigger." Two months later, he returned to the doctor's office. "So? Did you ever get married?" "Married? Nah, I just bought a calf!"

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Thursday, April 14, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] April 15, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Worried about getting your taxes in by tonight? Relax. Because of some obscure Federal holiday, we all have until Monday. Yippee!

I've used RoboForm every day for years and have recommended it to many people. It completes web forms with your personal information and remembers hundreds even thousands of passwords ...yet you only need to remember one -- Roboform's. Try it; I predict you'll never memorize passwords or fill in forms manually again. And now it even works on your phone!
http://www.roboform.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A man walked into a bar carrying a dog with no legs and placed it on the bar. The bartender said, "Look at that: a dog with no legs! What do you call him?" The man replied, "I don't call him anything. He wouldn't come anyway!"

As Joe stepped out of the cold shower, his wife laughed and told him, "Your pen¡s resembles a Tic-Tac!" He replied, "If that's the case, why does your sister still have bad breath?" ...He should be out of the hospital in a few weeks.

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[cyberjoke3000] April 14, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

I've read Jack Teems's Neat Net Tricks for at least a decade now and he always finds interesting things. If you like Jack's writing, subscribe to his newsletter. It's reasonably priced.
http://www.neatnettricks.com/subscribe

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

"How hot was it?" "It was so hot, I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walking!"

One spring morning, a dyslexic soldier was seen rubbing his member with shoe polish. His buddy told him, "You idiot. You were supposed to turn your clock back!"

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Tuesday, April 12, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] April 13, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

With today's announcement that Seattle will not be getting a space shuttle, CyberJokester Gary Orndorff sends along this video that gives you a front row seat at the Kennedy Space Center for preparation of the shuttle Discovery. (It's silent until near the end.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KZrFC988Thc

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us. We won. Let's eat.

Him: "I'd tell you a joke about my pen¡s, but it's too long." Her: "I'd tell you one about my vagina, but you'll never get it!"

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[cyberjoke3000] April 12, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Peter Slocombe sends along this touching story of a unique encounter with a mature male gorilla, which Peter had raised from a baby, but hadn't seen in five years.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FZ-bJFVJ2P0

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Did you hear about the man who had sex with his canary? He came down with a case of cherpies... and, it's untweetable!

Rob told the bartender, "I'm drinking to forget the heartbreak of my broken engagement. Would you marry someone who didn't know the meaning of the word faithful? Who was flip and even vicious on the topic of fidelity?" "No way, man," replied the bartender. Rob said, "Well, neither would my fiancée!"

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Sunday, April 10, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] April 11, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Thankfully the government did not shut down this weekend; otherwise, who would deliver your Sight Gags?
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2801

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

An Irish mental hospital thought Patty and Mike might be cured so they summoned them to the doctor's waiting room. Patty went in first. "Patty, you will be asked two questions and, if you get them right, you will be free to go. First, if I poked out one of your eyes, what would happen?" Patty answered, "I'd be blind in one eye." "What if I poked out your other eye?" "I'd be totally blind." Patty knew he had gotten his freedom. The doctor sent Patty back to the waiting room where he told Mike both the questions and the correct answers. The doctor called Mike in and asked, "Mike, if I cut off your ear, what would happen?" Mike remembered what Patty told him and replied, "I'd be blind in one eye." This perplexed the doctor, but he asked his other question, "What if I cut off your other ear?" "I'd be totally blind," Mike answered with a grin. "Mike, exactly what's your reasoning behind those answers?" Mike realized his error but quickly responded, "Me hat'd fall over me eyes!"

I believe it was Woody Allen who said, "Sex is the most beautiful, natural, wholesome thing that money can buy!"

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Friday, April 8, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] April 8, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Here's a hilarious guide to email etiquette called: "If you do this in an email, I hate you!" Funny, and spot on.
http://theoatmeal.com/comics/email

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

"Doc, I've just not been feeling myself lately." "Yes, and you look better, too!"

A lawyer, a priest, three boy scouts, and a pilot were in a small plane that was about to crash. The pilot said, "We only have three parachutes, let's give them to the boy scouts. They're young and have their whole lives before them." The lawyer said, "F*¢k the boy scouts!" The priest said, "Do you think we have time?"

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Wednesday, April 6, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] April 7, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

If your kids have certain smartphones and post their photos on the web, are you aware that their photos contain the exact location where the photos were taken? Check their (and your) phones' settings and turn off "geo-locating."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N2vARzvWxwY

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The air conditioning broke at the Catholic Church, so they hired Schmidt to crawl up into the ductwork to fix it. As Schmidt looked down through a vent into the sanctuary far below, he saw Mrs. Murphy saying her prayers. Schmidt thought he'd mess around a little. In his best baritone, he proclaimed, "This is Jesus. Your prayers will be answered." Mrs. Murphy didn't budge, but just kept saying her prayers. Schmidt thought that maybe she was hard of hearing, so he tried again. "This is Jesus Christ! Your prayers will be answered!" But again, Mrs. Murphy did not react. Mustering up his maximum volume, Schmidt intoned, "This is Jesus Christ, the Son of God! Your prayers will be answered!" Mrs. Murphy looked at the cross and said, "Hold it down, will ya? I'm talkin' to your mom!"

A mall security guard stopped a blonde who was naked from the waist up. "Miss, you can't walk around here like that!" She replied, "Why not? The sign over there says, "Save Money -- Take Half Off!"

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Tuesday, April 5, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] April 6, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Dave Goordman sends along "Hans Klok & the Divas of Magic" where Hans does ten illusions in five minutes! While none is unique, it is fun to see all of them in an average of 30 seconds each.
http://www.flixxy.com/worlds-fastest-magician.htm

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A priest went to a barbershop, but after his haircut, the barber said, "Father, you're a man of the cloth. I couldn't charge you. It's on the house." The priest thanked him and left. The next day, twelve gold coins appeared at the barber's door. A few days later, a Buddhist monk got a shave and, afterwards, the barber said, "You are a spiritual man. It's on the house." The next day, twelve rubies appeared at the barber's door. The third day, a rabbi got a haircut and the barber said, "No, Rabbi, you are a learned man. I can't accept your money. It's on the house." The next day, twelve rabbis appeared at the barber's door!

Two young starlets were discussing their recent auditions. "Did you get a good part?" asked one. "No," replied the other. "Why, his offer was so ridiculous that I laughed right in his balls!"

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[cyberjoke3000] April 5, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Have you ever seen anyone run on water? Now you will. "Liquid Mountaineering" is the newest hot sport:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oe3St1GgoHQ
Sure, it's difficult to do. Now watch this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vblhBmHKW5s

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A golfer had a terrible day and took it out on his caddy. "You're terrible! When we get back to the clubhouse, I'm going to make sure you get fired!" "That's okay by me," calmly replied the caddy. "By the time we get back to the clubhouse, I'll be old enough for a regular job!"

Why did God invent booze? So that ugly people could get laid, too!

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Monday, April 4, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] April 4, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Sight gags? Sure, we got 'em!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2791

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A man entered a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The bartender asked, "What's his name?" "Tiny," answered the man. "Tiny? Why do you call him 'Tiny'?" The man replied, "Because he's minute!"

The businessman took his new young secretary to a motel. She seemed shy and inexperienced, so he decided to tutor her in the art of love. He began by running his hands over her chest. "Do you know what I'm doing?" he asked. "No." "I'm fondling your breasts." Then he moved his hand between her legs. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "No." "I'm caressing your clitoris." Finally, he became so aroused that he couldn't wait, and entered her. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he panted. She responded coolly, "Yes. You're catching herpes!"

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Joke For All

Thursday, April 28, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] April 29, 2011

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] April 27, 2011

Sunday, April 24, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] April 25, 2011

Thursday, April 21, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] April 22, 2011

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] April 21, 2011

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] April 20, 2011

Monday, April 18, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] April 19, 2011

Sunday, April 17, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] April 18, 2011

Thursday, April 14, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] April 15, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] April 14, 2011

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] April 13, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] April 12, 2011

Sunday, April 10, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] April 11, 2011

Friday, April 8, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] April 8, 2011

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] April 7, 2011

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] April 6, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] April 5, 2011

Monday, April 4, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] April 4, 2011

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