Joke For All: September 2011

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] September 29, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Dave Goordman sends along this web page with a beautiful, computer-generated, interactive kaleidoscope. Move your cursor slowly around the screen!
http://inoyan.narod.ru/kaleidoskop.swf

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A Korean couple were relaxing one night when the room filled with a noxious aroma. The wife said, "You're disgusting!" The husband replied, "It's the dog!" "Don't blame him," she replied. "He was cooked perfectly!"

Husband: "Oh, darling! You're wonderfully tight tonight!" Wife: "Get that thing out of my navel!"

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[cyberjoke3000] September 28, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

"If This, Then That" is a new website that walks you through simple online tasks to do your bidding. Within a minute, I created a small "recipe" (their term) that searches my local Craigslist for a particular item, then emails me when/if it shows up. Great idea! Here are some pre-made recipes to give you an idea of the power of this site:
http://ifttt.com/recipes
And then start "rolling your own" here:
http://ifttt.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The bartender said, "We don't server faster than light particles here!" A neutrino walked in to a bar.

A woman told her psychiatrist she was having trouble with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions without getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally, he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you're having sex?" "Well, yes. Once." "How did he look?" "Angry!" Ah, now we're getting somewhere, thought the shrink. "Very interesting. But you've only seen his face once during sex? That seems unusual. What happened that made you see his face that time?" "He was looking through the window at us!"

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Monday, September 26, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] September 27, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Watch as Diego Stocco, an experimental musician, creates music with nothing more than some microphones, a computer, and various dry cleaning equipment.
http://bit.ly/r5UZyd

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Meta-humor." "Meta-humor who?" "Punchline!"

A guy asked a hooker on the Atlantic City boardwalk, "How much?" "A hundred bucks." He agreed, they went under the boardwalk, and did their business. The next night, he picked up the same hooker and they went under the boardwalk, but this time, while he's in the act, she blasted out two incredible farts. When they were finished, he gave her a hundred, plus a twenty-dollar bill. She asked, "What's the extra twenty?" He replied, "That's for blowing the sand off my balls!"

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Sunday, September 25, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] September 26, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Time to celebrate not being killed by a falling satellite: look at these sight gags before the next one drops!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=3041

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Bret told his buddies at the bar, "Last night, while I was down here drinking with you guys, a burglar broke into my house." His buddies looked worried. "Did he get anything?" Bret replied, "He sure did: a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a broken rib. My wife thought it was me, coming home drunk again!"

Lovemaking Tips For Seniors: Put on your glasses; verify your partner is actually in the bed. Set a timer in case you doze off. Establish mood lighting; turn off all the lights. Before you start, put 911 on speed dial. Write your partner's name on your hand in case you forget. Keep Polygrip nearby so your teeth don't fall under the bed. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually finish. Make all the noise you want; the neighbors are deaf, too. Don't even think about trying it twice. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

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Friday, September 23, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] September 23, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Gary Orndorff sends along this interesting civics test from the Intercollegiate Studies Institute. It's no piece of cake. I consider myself pretty knowledgeable about government, etc., but I only got 88%. How will you do?
http://bit.ly/p8JVti

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

I think my neighbor may be stalking me. She's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night!

The dove is the bird of peace. The eagle is the bird of power and majesty. What is the bird of true love? The swallow!

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Thursday, September 22, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] September 22, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

When renaming a file or editing a cell in Excel, don't click, wait a while, and then click again. Instead, just click once and then press F2. Best of all, you'll never accidentally open the file again!

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

What's brown and runny? Usain Bolt!

A guy asked a girl out on a date. They went to a nice restaurant for dinner and wine and then a movie. On the way home, he stopped on a deserted road. After a few minutes, he was pretty excited, but she stopped him, saying she was a virgin and intended to stay that way. Negotiating, he suggested a hand job. "I don't know what that is," she said. "What do I do?" He answered, "Remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a soda and then spray your brother with it?" She nodded. "Well, it's like that." So she did just that. Soon his head fell back against the headrest, his eyes closed in pleasure, but suddenly he screamed in agony. She asked, "What's wrong?" He screamed, "Take your thumb off of the end!"

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Tuesday, September 20, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] September 21, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Peter Slocombe sends along this real-time world map showing natural and manmade disasters like earthquakes, hurricanes, tsunamis, wild fires, etc. Click on an icon to see what it means. Be sure to scroll down to also see the data in tablular form.
http://hisz.rsoe.hu/alertmap/index2.php

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

What's another word for synonym?

A guy approached the good-looking woman at the bar. "May I buy you a drink?" "Sure. Thanks." He started to make his move. "You know, you remind me of my little toe." She giggled. "Really? Because I'm small and cute?" "No, because I'll probably end up banging you on the coffee table!"

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[cyberjoke3000] September 20, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Dan sends along this new fun use of Google. Click the link below, go to Google, and type "Google Gravity". Click on the first result. Wait a few seconds. Move things around awhile. Type into the Google search bar and press Enter. Play some more. Fun!
http://www.google.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Sex is like pizza: when it's good, it's great; and when it's not great, it's still pretty damned good!

Dear Abby: When I saw my neighbor's wife sunbathing nude in her backyard, I started masturbating from our upstairs bedroom window. Suddenly, I turned around and caught my wife watching me from the hallway. Does this mean my wife's a pervert?

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Sunday, September 18, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] September 19, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

All right. Now it's your turn. If you enjoy these jokes and the weekly dose of sight gags, forward this email to your friends and convince them to subscribe, too. The instructions are at the bottom of every CyberJoke 3000™: "To join, send a blank email here." Thank you. Now go enjoy some sight gags!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=3031

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

When a deaf kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

"Doctor, please help me. I get no sleep because all night long I have to get up and go to the bathroom." "Of course. First, undress." She did. "Now do a handstand in front of that full-length mirror." Skeptical, but wanting to solve her problem, she did so. "Now spread your legs." She did and the doctor put his head between them, resting his chin right …there. He said, "Yes, uh huh, yes" and asked her to dress again. "Miss, you must restrict the amount of fluids you drink before bed." "But what was with that exercise before the mirror?" The doctor replied, "My wife is right; a beard would suit me!"

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Friday, September 16, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] September 16, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Keith Thompson sends along this mesmerizing short video. If I asked you to make a film of adhesive tape unrolling, what would you do? Watch what Dutch artist Johan Rijpma did!
http://vimeo.com/28826269

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Fred, Bill and Ed were fishing when Fred stood up to get a beer, lost his balance, and fell out of the boat. Ed said, "What'll we do?" Bill said, "Jump in after him. Fred can't swim!" Ed jumped in and, after what seemed like an eternity, finally surfaced. "Bill! Help me get him in the boat." Struggling, they finally wrestled Fred back into the boat. Ed said, "Now what? I don't think he's breathing." Bill said, "Give him mouth-to-mouth." As Ed did, he recoiled. "Damn. I don't remember Fred having such bad breath." Bill said, "Yeah, and I don't remember Fred wearing a snowmobile suit, either!"

I got up this morning a little hung over, stumbled down to the kitchen, and found my wife frying one of my socks. "What are you doing?" I asked. She replied, "I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed as drunk as a skunk." I wandered off to the bathroom thinking, "I don't recall asking her to cook my sock...."

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Wednesday, September 14, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] September 15, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Martin Beckman sends along another great timelapse photography sequence, this time of Yosemite (and more). Be sure to watch in fullscreen high-def.
http://youtu.be/5uEPjf8YosM

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

An extremely ugly woman went to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, I'm lonely and depressed. I have no friends. No man will touch me. Everyone laughs at me. Can you help me learn to accept my ugliness?" The psychiatrist replied confidently, "Of course. Now just lie face down on the couch."

After being stranded on a desert island for many years, a man and his wife woke up following a bad storm to find a new guy washed up on the beach. The wife was immediately attracted to the new man although her husband was oblivious. "This is wonderful! Now the three of us can each do an 8-hour shift in the watchtower instead of the two of us each doing 12." The new man was happy to help and volunteered for the first shift. He climbed the tall tower and stood watch for hours, scanning the horizon for ships. Soon he had an idea. He yelled down, "Hey, no screwing!" The married couple was surprised by this but yelled back up to him, "We're not screwing." A few minutes later, the new guy yelled again, "Hey, no screwing!" And again, "We're not screwing." Shortly before his shift was over, he yelled down again, "Hey, no screwing!" They thought, this new guy is weird. When his shift was over, he climbed down from the tower and the husband climbed up. Before he got halfway to the top, the wife and the new guy were screwing each other's brains out. When the husband finally looked down, he thought, "I'll be danged. From up here, it really does look like they're screwing!"

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Tuesday, September 13, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] September 14, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Don Bostwick sends along this wonderful collection of photographs of the Grand Canyon. 30 years ago, my wife and I hiked down the Bright Angel Trail and rafted the lower half of the canyon, including a stop at the final photo on this page. We still consider it one of the best weeks of our lives.
http://bit.ly/oRTOvf

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Years ago, Jim was driving his 18-wheeler east on Route 66 when he passed another truck. His CB radio crackled to life. "Hey, trucker!" said the voice on the CB, "who are the two dumbest guys in America?" Jim replied, "I don't know." The other trucker said, "You and your brother!" Jim started to get annoyed, but the guy on the radio assured him it was just a joke. "In fact, you can tell it to the next trucker you see." After a while, Jim passed another truck. He got on his CB and said, "Hey, trucker! Who are the two dumbest guys in America?" The other trucker replied, "I don't know. Who?" Jim said, "Me and my brother!"

Sadie, an elderly Jewish lady, was heading home after working in the garment district. Suddenly, a man blocked her way, opened his raincoat, and flashed her. Unruffled, Sadie said, "This you call a lining?!"

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Monday, September 12, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] September 13, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Patricia Ann Price sends along yet another amazing video of bike rider Danny MacAskill, from Edinburgh to his hometown of Dunvegan, in the Isle of Skye. He makes the impossible look so easy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=Cj6ho1-G6tw&vq=highest

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Christmas was finally over and the pastor's wife collapsed into her easy chair. "Boy, am I tired!" Her husband asked, "Wait. I conducted two special services last night, three more today, and gave a total of five sermons. Why are you tired?" She replied, "Dear, remember: I had to sit through them all!"

After sex, he said, "Be sure you don't leave anything. My wife is very suspicious." She said, "I know. That's why she hired me!"

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Sunday, September 11, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] September 12, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Today may be the final day of summer for Seattle. (Yes, it finally arrived this year... in August!) But there's no final day for Sight Gags!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=3021

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Don't believe everything you read. Even though the Pampers box clearly says "6-12 pounds," they're lying. Those things won't even hold five!

Three guys in a balloon were lost in the fog. The first guy said, "I'll find out where we are," reached way down and announced, "We're over Paris." "How do you know?" ask the others. "Because I just felt the Eiffel Tower." A while later, the second guy did the same thing and said, "We just flew over London." "How do you know?" ask the others. "Because I just felt the top of Big Ben." A while later, the third guy did the same and announced, "Now we're over Glasgow." "How do you know?" "Because some bastard just stole my watch!"

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Friday, September 9, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] September 9, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Terri Adishian sends along this touching feature video about the new 9/11 Memorial and Museum, which opens this Sunday.
http://tinyurl.com/3scth9b

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A couple left the gynecologist's office in tears after being told they could never become pregnant. Suddenly, a masked man appeared before them. "I can help you. Go to this address," he said, handing them his business card. "A doctor will take a scraping from your mouth, culture it, and, in less than a year, you will have a baby." The wife turned to her husband and exclaimed, "This is the answer to our prayers!" But when she turned back, the stranger was gone. "Who was that masked man?" she asked her husband. He looked at the business card and said, "That, my dear, ...was the Clone Arranger!"

I was having hot sex with this chick when suddenly she heard the front door open. She cried, "Oh, no! That's my husband! Quick. Try the back door!" Thinking back, I probably should have run but really, how often does that opportunity arise?

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Wednesday, September 7, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] September 8, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Fifty years ago, a popular singer and her husband, a skilled jazz pianist, entertained at Hollywood parties by playing and singing badly, uproaringly badly. Someone convinced them to create an album of these musical atrocities, which won the Grammy for Best Comedy album. Here's a sample from Jonathan & Darlene Edwards Visit Paris. Warning: YouTube has plenty more where this came from.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nxZbukUEyXk

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

I was playing chess with a friend. He said, "Let's make this more interesting." So we stopped playing chess.

Face it: after Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF!

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[cyberjoke3000] September 7, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Bob Barrett sends along this year's Beloit College "Mindset List," showing the differences between us and students born in 1993. Each year is interesting; check out this year's here:
http://bit.ly/qmqoSV

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

My friend died doing what he loved to do ...heroin.

News Flash: A hole has appeared in the wall of the women's changing room at the sports club. Police are looking into it.

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Tuesday, September 6, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] September 6, 2011

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

A friend from the old Sierra days, Gary Spinrad, has a new band that combines Elvis and Kiss: it's called "Elviss Simmons". Here's an hilarious video they made to introduce the band that made me laugh out loud. Mark my words: you'll see them in Vegas soon!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NAcUnCbotc8

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A farmer's son was on his way home from market with a crate of chickens, but he dropped the box. It fell open and chickens scurried off in every direction. The determined boy combed the neighborhood, scooping up wayward birds and returning them to the crate. Hoping he had found them all, he returned home, but feared the worst. "Pa, the chickens got loose on the way home, but I got all twelve of them back." "You done good, boy," beamed his father, "because you only started home with seven!"

How is parsley like pubic hair? You push them both aside to get to the good stuff!

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Joke For All

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] September 29, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] September 28, 2011

Monday, September 26, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] September 27, 2011

Sunday, September 25, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] September 26, 2011

Friday, September 23, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] September 23, 2011

Thursday, September 22, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] September 22, 2011

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] September 21, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] September 20, 2011

Sunday, September 18, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] September 19, 2011

Friday, September 16, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] September 16, 2011

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] September 15, 2011

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] September 14, 2011

Monday, September 12, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] September 13, 2011

Sunday, September 11, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] September 12, 2011

Friday, September 9, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] September 9, 2011

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] September 8, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] September 7, 2011

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] September 6, 2011

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