Joke For All: November 2012

Friday, November 30, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] November 30, 2012

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Wallace Krebs sends along this interesting video by Neil DeGrasse Tyson, "We Stopped Dreaming -- A Penny for NASA."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fl07UfRkPas

CyberJoke 3000™ is in desperate need of Christmas jokes. Over the past 13 years, I’ve run lots of them, but now I’m almost out. If you have some new ones, please send them to me! Use the link in the next paragraph.

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Two cockroaches were enjoying some delicious garbage when one said, "I was in a new restaurant last night. It's so clean, the kitchen is spotless, the floors gleam, no dirt anywhere, the whole place shines!" The other roach grimmaced. "Please! Not while I'm eating!"

If I ever get sent to prison, I'm going to stock up on "Maximum Cavity Protection" toothpaste!

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I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.

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Wednesday, November 28, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] November 29, 2012

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Eric Schneck sends along another great NASA night flyover with the Northern lights and some spectacular lightning storms. Be sure to watch this one full screen.

http://apod.nasa.gov/apod/ap120305.html

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A reporter asked a married couple, "To what do you attribute your 50-year marriage?" The husband answered, "I try to be unselfish. Remember: there's no 'I' in marriage." The wife said, "For my part, I never correct my husband!"

Phil Hanley says: My buddies say they love being single because you "can sleep with anyone you want." But, actually, you can only sleep with anyone who wants to sleep with you. ...That's a very different number!

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Tuesday, November 27, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] November 28, 2012

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Zadir sends along this wonderful panoramic photograph from the Eiffel Tower. I’ve been there. It looked exactly like this, although the weather was a little less cloudy.

http://www.gillesvidal.com/blogpano/paris.htm

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

My sex life is like a Ferrari; I don't have a Ferrari.

A third-grade teacher asked her students what they wanted to be when they grew up. Little Johnny said, "I want to be a billionaire, go to expensive clubs, find me a bitch, set her up in a penthouse apartment in Vegas, and buy her expensive jewelry and a Ferrari. Then I'll buy her a beach house in Miami, a jet to fly between her cribs, and have sex with her all night and half the day." The shocked teacher was at a loss for words. She took a deep breath and asked Little Suzi what she wanted to be when she grew up. Little Suzi didn't hesitate. "Ma'am, as of right now, I'm lookin' to be Johnny's bitch!"

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[cyberjoke3000] November 27, 2012

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Project Sea Lion was built to be the fastest amphibious vehicle on land. The manufacturer says it has enough power and aerodynamics to reach 180 mph on the road. You can have one for only $259,500. The perfect stocking stuffer!

http://www.flixxy.com/amphibian-sports-car.htm

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Years ago, a Scotsman used a pay phone to call his girlfriend. "Mary, my love, will you marry me? Think it over and call me back" and gave her the number of the pay phone. Hours passed as the Scotsman stood near the phone booth, but it didn't ring once. His buddy, watching from inside the pub, came out. "Look, laddie. She's not going to call. Come on in and have a pint." The waiting Scot waved off his friend and continued to wait. Suddenly the phone rang. The Scot looked at his watch and proclaimed, "I knew she's the girl for me. She waited for the night rates!"

Got in touch with my inner self today. Damn cheap toilet paper!

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Sunday, November 25, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] November 26, 2012

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Yep, today’s the day you’re going to start that diet. Skip lunch and enjoy a few sight gags instead!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=3621

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

From time to time my mom puts on her wedding dress. It's not that she's sentimental; she just gets way behind in her laundry!

A farmer's wife walked into the barn and was shocked to see her husband standing behind their milk cow, humping away. She yelled, "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen! I'm gonna tell everyone you had sex with a cow!" The farmer finished, pulled his trousers up, looked at her, and calmly said, "Fine. Tell anybody you want, but if you do, I'm going to say it's because the cow is better at it than you!"

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Thursday, November 22, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] November 24, 2012

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Need to manipulate a PDF file but don't want to give Adobe hundreds of dollars so you can? Here's a website that will solve your problem for free. Merge, mix, encrypt, split, add headers and footers, and more to PDFs at Sej-da.
http://sejda.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Ladies, when a man says he will fix something, he will; there's no need to remind him of it every six months.

I told a woman at the bar last night that I could guess what day any woman was born just by feeling her breasts. "Really?" she said. "Go on then, give me a try." After about a minute of fondling, she lost patience. "Come on, already. What day was I born?" I told her, "Yesterday!"

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[cyberjoke3000] November 23, 2012

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

If you are American, Happy Thanksgiving! If not, Happy Thursday!

Want to explore famous wonders of the world, close-up but without leaving your computer? Check out Google's "World Wonders" project. They mounted their Street View camera on a tricycle and pedaled their way through museums, castles, even Pompeii. Who needs to be hassled by the TSA and sit in cramped seats? Look here instead:

http://www.google.com/worldwonders

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

How does a man plan for the future? He buys two cases of beer!

A newly married husband was discussing his honeymoon with a buddy. "Last night around midnight, I rolled over, tapped my bride on the shoulder, and we had ourselves a performance! Later, about two o'clock, I rolled over, gave her a nudge, and we had another performance. Then, about four o'clock, I couldn't wait any longer. I gave her a kiss, she murmured and smiled, and we immediately had ourselves a rehearsal." "A rehearsal?" asked his buddy. "Don't you mean another 'performance'?" "No. A rehearsal is when nobody comes!"

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Wednesday, November 21, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] November 21, 2012

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Before Ansel Adams, before Edward Curtis, came photographer Timothy O'Sullivan to document the American West before anyone. These remarkable 19th-century sepia-tinted photos show the Old West as you have never seen it, unstaged, untouched, raw. Thanks to CyberJokester Lowell Wall for sharing this article.

http://bit.ly/KQbx0M

CyberJokester Viktor Steinmann sends along the answer to yesterday’s question about Windows 8 search. Open Explorer by typing Win-E. In the left pane, click your Documents folder. Click in the search field (at top right, with magnifying glass). Type your search terms; all files containing those words will appear as you type. (Press Ctrl-F1 to make the ribbon toolbar appear and disappear.)

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Rita Rudner says, "I know my time is running out to have children. I want to have them while my parents are still young enough to care for them."

A hot young blonde told her gynecologist, "Whenever I take my clothes off, my nipples get hard." "Really? You'd better undress so I can check." She did. He felt and massaged her breasts for quite a while, seeking an answer. Soon, he said, "Well, Ma'am, I'm not exactly sure what's wrong, but it sure as hell is contagious!"

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Tuesday, November 20, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] November 20, 2012

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

The more I play with Windows 7 search, the more I like it. Have you ever done this: press the Windows key, then type "documents created this week" or "music by Coltrane" or "email from Larry sent yesterday" or "pictures of Clover taken January 2012" or "music rated *****". Yep, they all work! (Don't type the quotes.) Now if I could just figure out how to make it this easy in Windows 8!

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A sales manager was meeting with his sales team. "We're going to have a fire sale," he said. One salesman piped up, "A fire sale? We sell insurance!" The boss replied, "No, I mean a 'fire sale.' Anybody who doesn't make a sale gets fired!"

What's the difference between a boner and a bonus? Your wife will always blow your bonus!

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Sunday, November 18, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] November 19, 2012

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Last week was the 13th anniversary of CyberJoke 3000™. When I started, I had a thousand jokes I wanted to share. Since then, you’ve sent me another 5,000 and there seems to be no end in sight. Thanks for all the laughs and for letting me share them with you!

This week we can all be thankful for at least one thing:
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=3611

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A mother was cooking pancakes for her two sons. When the boys argued over who got the first pancake, Mom took the opportunity for a moral lesson. "Remember, boys, if Jesus was here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake'." Kevin looked at his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you get to be Jesus!"

I wonder if the inventor of the vibrator heard a voice say, "If you build it, they will come?"

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Thursday, November 15, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] November 16, 2012

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Hero-U: Rogue to Redemption is a turn-based RPG, with adventure game puzzles and an immersive story, by the award-winning designers of Sierra's Quest for Glory, my friends, Corey and Lori Cole. This is the final weekend of their Kickstarter campaign and they really need your help to meet their goal of $400,000. Won't you pledge something to help? I did!

http://kck.st/XGZg33

And a special thanks to everyone who told me that TIME Magazine's "All-Time 100 Video Games" included Leisure Suit Larry in the Land of the Lounge Lizards! You can see their whole list here:
http://ti.me/ZTGfch
And read specifically about Larry here. They call it "porn you really had to work for." I guess that's a compliment!
http://ti.me/ZTGjZC

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

After being sawed in half, the woman asked the magician, "Can you join me for dinner?"

A few years back, a Jewish mother got a phone call she thought she would never get from her gay son: "Mom, I've met a wonderful girl, I'm going straight, and we're going to get married." Mom was overjoyed, but just couldn't believe her luck. "I suppose it's too much to ask that she's Jewish." "Mom, not only is she Jewish, but she comes from a wealthy and prominent Beverly Hills family." Mom was beside herself with joy. "You don't know how happy you've made me! What's her name?" "Monica Lewinsky." Mom was silent for a moment. "Whatever happened to that nice Catholic boy you were dating?"

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Wednesday, November 14, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] November 15, 2012

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

While you're waiting to play LSL1: Leisure Suit Larry in the Land of the Lounge Lizards, why not vote for a different, new, adventure: Fester Mudd: Curse of the Gold. It's a three-part comic saga of exploration, reunion, and redemption… and a love letter to classic 90s adventure games. Read more about it at the link below. While you're there, remember: your vote will make Steam carry it!
http://bit.ly/SNXlUd

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

I'm writing a book about reverse psychology; whatever you do, don't buy it!

While visiting Rome, an Australian tourist was filming the Vatican with his new video camera. As he panned around, he saw someone having a wank in the bushes. Zooming in, he was amazed to see it was the Pope. And just as the Pope "purged his bishop," he spotted the tourist, ran over to him and said, "I want to buy that camera!" "No way, mate!" said the Aussie. "I just got it." "I'll give you $1,000 for it." "Forget it!" "Okay, I'll give you $10,000 for it." "Really?" said the Aussie. "10K? Yeah, all right, mate." Later, a cardinal noticed the Pope carrying the camera. "What a great camera, Your Holiness. Where'd you get it?" "I bought it from a tourist." "May I ask how much you paid for it?" "$10,000." "Wow!" said the cardinal, "he must have seen you coming!"

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Joke For All

Friday, November 30, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] November 30, 2012

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] November 29, 2012

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] November 28, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] November 27, 2012

Sunday, November 25, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] November 26, 2012

Thursday, November 22, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] November 24, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] November 23, 2012

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] November 21, 2012

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] November 20, 2012

Sunday, November 18, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] November 19, 2012

Thursday, November 15, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] November 16, 2012

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

[cyberjoke3000] November 15, 2012

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