Tuesday, March 31, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] April 1, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Here's hoping you haven't been Confickered already today! But if you have, Windows Secrets, an excellent newsletter I've read for years, recently published this update on the virus. If you like what you read, subscribe while you're there.
http://WindowsSecrets.com/comp/090330

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The pope prayed to God and God answered him, saying, "Your holiness, I have good news and bad news. For some time, I've been dismayed by the fighting between the various religions, so henceforth there will only be one true religion." The pope prayed, "That truly is good news, Father. But what's the bad news?" "My new headquarters are in Salt Lake City!"

Little Red Riding Hood was skipping through the forest when the Big Bad Wolf leaped out from behind a tree, let out a loud growl, and roared, "I'm the Big Bad Wolf and I'm going to eat you!" Red looked him straight in the eye and said, "Eat, eat, eat. Doesn't anybody f*¢k anymore?!"


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Monday, March 30, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] March 31, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

What creative things could you do with sheep? What about sheep... covered with LED vests... at night... on a hill side... with shepherds and sheep dogs working them? Would you believe Pong? Fireworks? Art?
http://tinyurl.com/dy3l8c

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

It's tough being a parent; you have to field some difficult questions. My kids came back from visiting their grandmother and asked me, "Dad, does Nanna really have to die?" I told them, "Well, she did commit a capital crime!"

After a bitter winter, one shepherd confessed to another that he could hardly wait until it was time to shear the flock. The other shepherd nodded and said, "Yes. It will be great to sell their wool and spend the money on women, eh?" "That's not it," said the first shepherd, "I just can't wait to see them naked!"


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Sunday, March 29, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] March 30, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

You've probably heard about Conficker; if not, Snopes has a page about it that presents it in a straightforward manner:
http://www.snopes.com/computer/virus/conficker.asp
The important thing is: get ready. Since no one knows exactly what this thing will do, take precaution: be sure you have a current backup.

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

What saved the programmer who was stuck in the shower? He finally ran out of shampoo!

At a Hollywood party a few years back, Bill Gates asked Hugh Grant for Divine Brown's phone number. Bill called and set up a 'date.' When they were finished, Bill collapsed in ecstasy, mumbling, "Now I know why you chose the name, 'Divine'!" She answered, "Thanks, Bill. And now I know why you chose the name 'Microsoft'!"


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Thursday, March 26, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] March 27, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Microsoft may have finally found a way to interest people in Silverlight, its Flash competitor. They teamed with Playboy to use Silverlight to publish 53 uncensored vintage issues of the magazine online. Access is free--if you install Silverlight.
http://www.playboyarchive.com/

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

If a bus stops at a bus station and a train stops at a train station, what happens at a workstation?

"How was your last 'john,' Desiree?" "Okay, but cheap. And yours?" "One of the best: a big, muscular, handsome marine." "Oh, yeah? What did he wanna do?" "First, he asked how much for sex and I told him $100 but he didn't have enough money. Then he asked how much for a BJ and I told him $50 but he didn't have that much either. Then he asked how much for a hand job and I told him $25. He agreed, I reached in, and what a surprise! I put one hand around it, then another hand on top of that hand, and then my first hand on top of that one!" "Damn, girl, he musta been huge! Then what happened?" "I loaned him $75!"


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Wednesday, March 25, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] March 26, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Use Gmail? Ever hit Send and then wished you hadn't? Click on the Google Labs "flask" icon near your username and turn on "Undo Send." Then each sent mail confirmation will have an "Undo" button that lets you edit some more... or delete it, but be quick: it only lasts a few seconds.

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. The hard part is getting them in there!

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was obviously delighted to be pressed tight against a gorgeous blonde. As the elevator stopped at the ground floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to grab!" Bewildered, Wilson was halfway through the lobby when he choked out, "I didn't touch that woman." "Of course you didn't," said Mrs. Wilson. "I did!"


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Tuesday, March 24, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] March 25, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Besides my other hobbies, I'm also a model railroader but I've never seen anything like Minatur Wunderland, sent along by CyberJokester Keith Harvey! Billed as the world's largest model railroad, it's also great modeling!
http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=e98_1237657552
You can even ride along on the trains. Even the station interiors are fully detailed!
http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=af3_1237691335

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

"How was your blind date?" the co-ed asked her roommate. "Terrible!" she answered. "He showed up driving a 1952 Rolls Royce." "Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's wrong with that?" "He's the original owner!"

Sex is like a gas station: sometimes you get full service, sometimes you have to ask for service, and sometimes you have to settle for self-service!


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Monday, March 23, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] March 24, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

What do news anchors do while the weatherman is onscreen? This is obviously not the first time for these two!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S7ehlw_phys

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A middle-aged man took his wife out for her 40th birthday. He asked, "What would you like for your birthday? A new car? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?" She replied coldly, "I want a divorce." He responded immediately, "I wasn't planning to spend that much!"

The young ensign asked the crusty old chief about the origin of the commissioned officer insignias. "Well, ensign, it's history and tradition. First, we give you a gold bar representing that you're valuable but malleable. A Lieutenant Junior Grade silver bar represents value, but less malleable. When you make Lieutenant, you're twice as valuable, so you get two silver bars. Captains soar over military masses, hence an eagle. And all Admirals are stars." "Yes, but what about Commanders and Lieutenant Commanders?" "Well, that goes way back, back to the Garden of Eden. You see, we've always covered our pr¡cks with leaves!"


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Sunday, March 22, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] March 23, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Finally! It's the first Sight Gags of Spring! 
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=1741

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

When Jack's grandfather left him ten million dollars, Diane quickly agreed to marry him. But after a few months of married life, Jack's beautiful new wife ignored him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him, she'd be indifferent, or worse, murmured other men's names! When they went out, she ignored him, flirting with other men. Finally, he confronted her. "Diane, did you marry me because my grandfather left me ten million dollars?" "Don't be ridiculous," she replied, "it doesn't matter who left you the money!"

The stunning blonde went to her faculty advisor for some course problems, but seemed distracted. "Are you okay?" he asked her. "Well, to be honest, I have this compulsion to have sex with every man I meet," she admitted. "Is there a name for my condition?" "Why yes, there is," he said with a smile as he headed for the couch, "I call it 'Good News'!"


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Friday, March 20, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] March 20, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

This video shows what social networking sites would be like in the real world. Confirm or ignore this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nrlSkU0TFLs

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Leaving church, Mrs. Peterson asked her husband, "Do you think that Johnson girl tints her hair?" "I didn't even see her," admitted Mr. Peterson. "And that dress Margie Hansen was wearing," continued Mrs. Peterson, "Was that suitable for a mother of two?" "I didn't notice that, either," said Mr. Peterson. Mrs. Peterson snapped, "Oh, for heaven's sake! A lot of good it does you to go to church!"

Little Johnny's mother was shocked to catch her young son masturbating. She sat him down and had a talk with him. "Honey, you want to be a good boy, right? Well, good little boys save that until they're married." A few weeks later, she had another talk with Little Johnny. "So, John, how are you doing with that problem we talked about, dear? Are you 'saving it' for marriage?" Little Johnnie pulled a jar out from under his bed. "I'm doing great, Mom! So far, I've got nearly a quart!"


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Wednesday, March 18, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] March 19, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Mommy's Wish List is a timely site that tells you "Where to Get Stuff and How Not to Pay for It." It lists things like chain restaurants that give kids free meals or give adults free meals on their birthday. Click on "Swag" for lots, lots more and start saving.
http://mommyswishlist.blogspot.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a county courtroom drama when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy had a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge awarded custody to his aunt. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed his aunt beat him more than his parents and he refused to live with her. The judge then suggested he live with his grandparents. The boy cried and said they beat him, too. After learning that domestic violence was a way of life among the whole family, the judge took an unprecedented step: he asked the boy who should have custody of him. The child requested the University of Kentucky basketball team, whom the boy said was incapable of beating anyone!

Once, a few years ago, I accidently walked in on my parents having sex. You should see the look on my face on the video!


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Tuesday, March 17, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] March 18, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Amazon may be selling this Playmobil Security Check Point for $62, but its reviews are priceless! This is an actual, but weird, toy with some hilarious reviews. For example: 3,448 of 3,503 people found the first review helpful!
http://tinyurl.com/9pjtlh

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The CPR class practiced on a mannequin victim, which was legless for easier transportation. As instructed, one student gently shook the doll and asked, "Are you all right?" He then listened for breathing with his ear over the mannequin's mouth. Suddenly he exclaimed to the class, "She says she can't feel her legs!"

One Friday afternoon, commuters were packed in the bus like sardines. It was standing room only, with no room to even move. A construction worker, fully pressed against a young woman in tight jeans, said, "Pardon me, miss, but you should know: that thing you feel pressing into your back is my weekly pay. Today they paid us in hard cash!" "Oh, I don't mind your hard cash," she replied, "but how do you explain your pay increase since the last stop?"


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Monday, March 16, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] March 17, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

You know, it's funny: I've received a lot of St. Patrick's jokes this year but not one of them new! Your assignment, due in 365 days: find us some new Irish jokes!

CyberJokester David Lipkin sent me this link to a multi-gigapixel photo right after Obama's inauguration but I lost it. So here it is, no longer topical, but still very impressive. Extra credit if you can find Yo Yo Ma taking a photo with his cell phone!
http://tinyurl.com/c8jabs

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Bob took his girlfriend to a football game. When a substitute went into the game, Bob said, "See that guy? I expect him to be our best man next year." His girlfriend snuggled closer. "That's the strangest proposal I've ever heard of, Bob, but regardless, I accept!"

There are only two four-letter words that men find offensive, unless they are used together: "don't" and "stop."


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Sunday, March 15, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] March 16, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Didn't get your $185 million bonus this weekend? Not to worry. Here: have a million dollars worth of sight gags on me!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=1731

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

It's a statistical fact: half the people in the world are below average!

Wise Advice Department: Whatever you give a woman, she makes it greater. If you give her sperm, she makes a baby. If you give her a house, she gives you a home. If you give her groceries, she gives you a meal. If you give her a smile, she gives you her heart. And that's why if you give her crap, she'll give you a ton of sh¡t!


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Friday, March 13, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] March 13, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

David Pogue, NYTimes personal-technology columnist, says Google Voice will revolutionize telephones. After reading his article, I have to agree:
http://tinyurl.com/dj3s9a
Available soon, it sounds great to me and frightening to phone companies!
http://tinyurl.com/dy66l3

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

When the American attorney had finished his guest lecture at the third world country law school, a local attorney asked, "Is it true that in your country a person can fall down on a sidewalk and then sue the property owner for a lot of money?" "Yes, that is true." The local turned to his partner and started speaking rapidly in their native language. When they stopped, the American asked, "So? Are you discussing moving to America to practice law?" "Oh, no," replied the local. "We're discussing moving to America to fall down on sidewalks!"

"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Control freak. Now you say 'Control freak who?' "


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Wednesday, March 11, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] March 12, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Renault, the French automaker, shows off its crashworthiness via an automobile ballet shot in the South African desert to Offenbach's "Ballet of the Snowflakes," performed by the Czech National Symphony Orchestra in Prague.
http://www.flixxy.com/renault-cars-ballet.htm
Also check out the "making-of" behind-the-scenes video:
http://www.flixxy.com/renault-cars-ballet-making-of.htm

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Prosecutor: "Did you kill the victim?" Defendant: "No, I did not." Prosecutor: "Do you know the penalty for perjury?" Defendant: "Yes. And it's a lot less than the penalty for murder!"

I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the earpiece were too small!


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Tuesday, March 10, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] March 11, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

With Washington D. C. slinging around trillions of dollars, have you ever wondered just how much money that is? CyberJokester Bobak Khomaan sends along this interesting look at exactly how big a pile of money it takes to make a trillion dollars!
http://www.pagetutor.com/trillion/index.html

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Miranda loved to sing, but whenever she began, her husband, Bob, headed outside. Hurt and mildly dejected, she asked, "Bob? Don't you enjoy my singing?" "Of course I do, dear," Bob replied. "I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you!"

What are the worst three words you could hear during sex? The answer is a tie between: "Honey, I'm home!" "The condom broke!" "I'm HIV positive." "Get off me!" "Who are you?" and "Is it in?"


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I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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[cyberjoke3000] March 10, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Here's a 3D animation of US Airways Flight 1549's flight path and ATC communications that accurately matches the event.
http://www.flixxy.com/airbus-320-3d-animation.htm

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

You know you're getting old when you've bought the same album five times: vinyl in 1965, 8-track in 1975, cassette tape in 1985, CD in 1995, and MP3 in 2005!

Condoleezza was briefing Hillary on her new job when the topic turned to girl talk. Hillary said, "You're lucky that you never have sex. I never know where 'Little Bill' has been!" Condi replied, "Don't assume I never fight off unwelcome sexual advances." "What do you do?" "Simple: when some guy makes a pass at me, I squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart I can." Hillary thought this excellent advice. That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slipped between the sheets. He stirred, moaned, and she could tell: he wanted some action. She had saved her farts all day and she ripped off a boomer. Bill rolled over and whispered, "That you, Condi?"


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I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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