[cyberjoke3000] October 28, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

I apologize for today's jokes being so late, but I have a good excuse: Tuesday afternoon I had a heart attack--but now, 24 hours later, I'm doing fine. Fortunately, I called 911 immediately, the paramedics got to my house within 5 minutes, got me to the hospital quickly, and within an hour, I was in the operating room having a stent installed. As soon as it was in, I felt better. By last night I felt pretty good, all things considered. I expect to go home tomorrow. My doctor says it's because I didn't wait to get help. So, take some friendly advice: if something "feels wrong," don't hesitate. Call for help!

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A woman answered her front door to find two young boys holding a list. "Ma'am, we're on a scavenger hunt and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork chop bone, and a piece of used carbon paper." "Wow," said the woman, "who sent you on such a challenging scavenger hunt?" The second boy replied, "Our babysitter's boyfriend!"

It had been a long time and the house of ill repute didn't have a selection of young beauties, but the lumberjack thought that experience might compensate so he decided to do it anyway. As they were going at it, he said, "Would you mind opening your legs a little wider?" She did and he continued. After a few minutes, he asked again, "How about opening your legs a little wider?" She did and he continued. But the third time he asked, she complained, "What are you trying to do? Get your balls in, too?" The lumberjack replied, "No. I'm trying to get them out!"

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[cyberjoke3000] October 27, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Keep your hands on the keyboard and get more done. Only use that mouse as a last resort. Need help? Here are thousands of shortcut keystrokes for you:
http://www.shortcutworld.com/

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

On Little Johnny's first day of school, his class started with the pledge of allegiance. "Now put your right hand over your heart and repeat after me," started the teacher, when he noticed Little Johnny's hand was over his right butt cheek. "John, we cannot start until your hand is over your heart." Little Johnny replied, "It is over my heart, teacher." After repeated requests, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?" "Because, every time I go to Grandma's, she picks me up, pats me there, and says, 'Bless your little heart.' And my Grandma wouldn't lie!"

A man drove up to the general store in a tiny dusty town that time forgot. He tried to make conversation with the little old man rocking on the store's front porch. "What do folks like to do around here?" The old man replied, "We mostly hunt 'n' f*¢k." Taken aback by this frankness, the man asked, "Uh, well, what do you hunt?" The old man replied, "Sumptin to f*¢k!"

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[cyberjoke3000] October 26, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Let me remind you that I don't make up these jokes; you do. Or rather, you send them to me, I edit them, and (with Early Warning Bob) make sure there are no duplicates, then send them back to you. So, if you've received CyberJoke 3000™ for more than a week, you owe me at least your favorite joke! Email it here today.

"Sight gags! Getchur steamin' hot sight gags right here!"
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2041

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The hillbilly couple mortgaged their farm so their daughter could go to college. Now, driving her from the bus station on her first visit home, the father was disturbed when his daughter whispered, "Paw, I have a confession to make: I ain't a virgin no more." The old man shook his head sadly. "After all the sacrifices Maw and I made to give you an education and you still say 'ain't'!"

A woman complained to her doctor about bad knee pain. After his tests showed nothing, the doctor asked, "Is there something you're doing that you haven't told me? Is there anything that might abuse your knees?" "Well," she said sheepishly, "my husband and I do have sex doggy-style on the floor most nights." "That must be it," said the doctor. "You know, there are plenty of other ways to have sex." She replied, "Not if you're gonna watch TV, there ain't!"

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[cyberjoke3000] October 23, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Microsoft Word DOCs can contain more than just the text you see while editing. They may well contain information you don't want to share. DocScrubber lets you see the hidden information and scrub it from files before sending them to others." Download it free at:
http://www.javacoolsoftware.com/docscrubber.html

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The teacher gave her second-graders a science lesson on magnets. She showed them how a magnet would pick up nails and other bits of iron and steel. "Now, children, my name begins with 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?" Little Johnny proudly announced, "You're a mother!"

When a new boss starts, single women have it rougher than men. One secretary told another, "The new boss has had his eye on me all week. I don't know whether to act interested or busy!"

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[cyberjoke3000] October 22, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Need to post your email address online but know it's the kiss of "spam death?" This site converts any text to an image so you can hide information from bad guys. You can link to your image or download it and delete it from their server.
http://www.hidetext.net/index.php

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A stockbroker cold-called about a penny stock. "This one's really gonna move. And, it's only $1 a share." "Give me 1,000 shares," said the client. The next day the stock opened at $2. The client called the broker. "You were right. Give me another 5,000 shares." The third day the stock was at $4. The client called the broker again. "Get me 10,000 more shares!" he ordered. The next day, the stock was at $9. Realizing what a great profit he had made in just days, he called his broker again. "Sell all my shares!" The broker said, "To whom? You're the only one buying that turkey!"

A man with a terrible sore throat asked a pharmacist to recommend something to relieve it. The pharmacist said, "Well, I could sell you a lot of things that won't really do you much good. But, man to man, I'll tell you what I do when I have a bad sore throat: I go home and have my wife give me a good blow job." "Sounds great!" says the customer. "Is she home now?"

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[cyberjoke3000] October 21, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Norton's new ad campaign features 80s metal band Dokken versus a raw chicken! What what happens when you click "Allow":
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iOsgqG5OOlM
and "Deny":
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jGMAgojGNRs
And then watch what happens when UFC fighter Kimbo Slice takes on a leaf-chewing caterpillar:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VRnPbSKUMEs
and when he's "Allow"-ed:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qR_FWIbsHXE

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A college dean berated a veteran economics professor for using the same tests for his entire tenure. "Don't you realize that the students have shared these tests for decades? Your students know exactly what's on the test before they take it?" "That doesn't matter," replied the professor. "The subject is economics; every year, the answers are different!"

A policeman on his beat saw a little boy watching two men fighting and crying, "Daddy, Daddy!" The officer pulled the two men apart and asked the boy, "Son, which one is your father?" "I don't know," said the boy, rubbing the tears from his eyes. "That's what they're fighting about!"

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[cyberjoke3000] October 20, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

James Dyson, who invented the bagless vacuum cleaner and the 10-second cool air hand dryer, has done it again: a bladeless electric fan!
http://tinyurl.com/yhq3jdp

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but doesn't have enough personality to be an accountant!

Did you hear about the $500-a-night call girl who works the Minneapolis-St. Paul area? She's known as "the tail of two cities!"

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[cyberjoke3000] October 19, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Fall is in the air and so are your weekly sight gags! This week: newspaper clippings:
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2031

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

When the waiter delivered a couple's meal at a Chinese restaurant, he also provided them with chopsticks. The wife made quite a show of reaching into her purse and pulling out her own pair. She announced, "As an environmentalist, I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils." The waiter admired her chopsticks and said, "Very beautiful. Ivory, aren't they?"

A yellow toad asked his fairy godmother to make him brown like the other toads. "I'm tired of being so visible to predators." The fairy godmother waved her magic wand and Poof! he was brown, except for his package, which remained yellow. "Fairy godmother, wait! My package is still yellow!" The fairy godmother replied, "Sorry, I don't do packages. You'll have to see the Wizard of Oz for that." The toad thanked her and hopped off on his way. An albino bear encountered the same fairy godmother. "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like you did that toad. No lady bear will hang with me because hunters can spot us a mile away." The fairy godmother waved her magic wand and Poof! he was brown, except for his package, which remained snow white. "Fairy godmother, wait! My package is still white!" The fairy godmother replied, "Sorry, I don't do packages. You'll have to see the Wizard of Oz for that." The disgruntled bear replied, "Well, dandy. How the hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?" The fairy godmother replied, "That's easy: just follow the yellow dick toad!"

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[cyberjoke3000] October 16, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Al Johnson sends along this wonderful blog post about a guy who waited years for a dinner reservation at the best restaurant in the world. It tells the story of how he flew to Spain, drove two hours, rented a hotel, took a 20-minute taxi through mountains, and paid a $1,000 per plate. Read, watch, and listen to a 30-course meal like none you've ever seen:
http://www.amateurgourmet.com/2009/08/dinner_at_el_bu.html

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

When the company performed a password audit, they found a blonde using MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy as her password. When asked why she chose such a long password, she said, "They told me it had to be at least eight characters!"

A woman asked her plastic surgeon for bigger breasts. To help her figure out just how large, he gave her a special, inflatable bra. "Just flap your arms up and down to inflate it." That night, she went to a bar wearing her new bra. Spying an attractive man at the bar, she flapped her arms a few times as she walked over to him. He looked up and started flapping his legs. He said, "Looks like we have the same doctor!"

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[cyberjoke3000] October 16, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

UgliestTattoos.com. Enough said!
http://ugliesttattoos.com/

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

I got a call from a charity asking me to donate my old clothing to starving people around the world. I told them that anyone who can fit in my clothing isn't starving!

A rather drunken guest asked the host of the party, " 'Scuse me, but do you have green toilet paper that talks?" The host looked with disdain at him and replied, "Certainly not!" "Oh, then I'm terribly sorry. I think I just wiped my a$$ with your parrot!"

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[cyberjoke3000] October 14, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Ever wanted to live atop a live volcano? Now you can! CyberJokester Al Johnson sends along this actual California real estate listing:
http://tinyurl.com/ybste85

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A young blonde told her friend, "I'm off men for life! They lie, cheat, and are no good. From now on when I want sex, I'll use my vibrator." "But what if the batteries run out? What will you do?" asked her friend. The blonde replied, "I guess I'll do what I do with my boy friend: fake an orgasm!"

A couple was preparing to have sex when their son walked in as the husband was putting on a condom. Little Johnny asked, "Whatcha doing, Dad?" His dad tried to quickly come up with a story, but failed. "Uh, I'm trying to catch a mouse." Little Johnny said, "Whatcha gonna do when you catch it? F*¢k him?!"

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I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.

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[cyberjoke3000] October 13, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Petrucio has written a turn-based strategy computer game where you attempt to destroy your opponent's tower while defending your own. While you can buy it this week at Best Buy for full price, he's offering CyberJoke 3000™ members the download version at a 40% discount! Just enter the coupon code CYBERJOKE40. You can learn more about it here:
http://tinyurl.com/yjm8txp
And you can see screenshots here:
http://tinyurl.com/ygt5q2p

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The newly married couple was suffering from exhaustion. They asked their doctor for advice. "It's not unusual for newlyweds to overdo it at first. All you need is rest. For the next month, limit your sex life to those days of the week with an 'R': Thursday, Friday and Saturday." Since the end of the week was approaching the newlyweds had no immediate difficulty following the medico's orders. But on their first night of scheduled rest, the young bride was as eager as a beaver. Hubby fell asleep, but she tossed and turned until after midnight before she finally nudged her spouse awake. Confused, he asked, "What day is it?" With a gleam in her eyes, she answered, "Mondray!"

"Children, today's lesson is on sharing. No one has everything they want..." but just then, Little Johnny's hand jerked up into the air. "Teacher! Teacher!" he cried. "Yes, John. What is it?" Little Johnny proclaimed, "My family has everything." "John, don't be silly. Not even the richest man has everything." "We do. My Daddy said so last night." "Really, John? What exactly did he say?" "Last night my sixteen-year-old sister came home and told Daddy that her skinhead boyfriend had gotten her pregnant. And Dad said, 'Oh, God! That's all we need!' "

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[cyberjoke3000] October 12, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

It's Monday. You look like you're ready for a sight gag!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2021

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

 

Phil went to the school therapist. During the session, the therapist asked, "How is your sex life?" Phil responded, "I have a lot of issues with sex." The therapist asked, "What kind of issues?" Phil answered, "Oh, mostly Hustler and Penthouse!"

When Antonio came home from school, his grandmother asked him what he'd learned in school that day. Antonio replied, "Well, Grandma, we learned about penises and vaginas and sexual intercourse and masturbation." Grandma slapped Antonio, hard, right upside the head. He ran to his room in tears. Antonio's mother walked in and cried, "Ma! Why did you hit Antonio?" Grandma replied, "Because when I asked him what he learned in school today he started talking about sex and penises and vaginas and masturbation!" "Ma! That's what they do these days--it's called sex education." Grandma felt so bad about hitting Antonio that she went upstairs to apologize. When she opened his door, she found Antonio masturbating on his bed. She said, "Antonio, when you've finished your homework, come down and talk to me."

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I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.

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[cyberjoke3000] October 9, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

I usually just ask my wife...but what if you're not so fortunate? How do you know if food is still good to eat? There's a site for that!
http://www.stilltasty.com/\

Thanks to everyone who submitted jokes to me today. Keep 'em comin'!

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AL

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

My wife had a sex change; now it's Saturdays instead of Fridays!

One guy said, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women." The second guy asked, "Really? What happened?" The first guy replied, "I got my d¡ck stuck in the bottle!"

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.

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[cyberjoke3000] October 8, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

The Ames window is an optical illusion featuring a trapezoidal window with an angled bar bisecting it. As it rotates, the bar occasionally, magically, appears to pass through the frame as the window seems to reverse its rotation.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tc_LqIaO2b8

Every year or so I run low on jokes and now it's happening again. If you've been on this list for three months or more, I've sent you over a hundred jokes. Now it's your turn to send me your favorites. Surely you've got a couple hidden somewhere that you can share with the rest of us. Come on. Send them here.

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

"Mom, can I have twenty dollars?" asked Little Johnny. "Certainly not!" "Would you give me twenty bucks if I told you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop this afternoon?" Mom's ears perked up. She found her purse and pulled out a twenty. "Well? What did he say?" Little Johnny replied, "He said, 'Hey, Marie, be sure you wash my socks tomorrow!' "

Lines Men Think The Perfect Wife Would Say: Of course I'll swallow it all; I love the taste. Are you sure you've had enough to drink? I'm bored; let's shave my pu$$y. Oh, come on; let's get a porno, a case of beer, a few joints, and invite Tammy over for a threesome. If I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna scream. I know it's a lot tighter back there, but would you please try again? You're so sexy when you're hungover. No, I'd rather stay here and watch football and drink beer than go shopping. Go ahead and drink all you want; I'll drive home. Want to watch me go down on my girlfriend? Want to go to the mall so you can check out women's asses. If you need me, I'll be outside shoveling snow; you stay in here and watch the game. I love it when you play golf on Sundays; I just wish you had time to play on Saturdays, too. Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see! I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house. No, let me change the oil in the car. Your mother did such a great job raising you. Do me a favor: forget the stupid Valentine's Day gift and buy yourself a new putter. It's okay; we have an anniversary every year. Why don't you go out with your buddies tonight; you'll have more fun. Let's go to that new strip club. I make enough money for both of us; why don't you retire? What a great fart; can you pop another? You look tired; you should go right to sleep as soon as we have sex tonight. I signed up for yoga classes so I can get my ankles behind my head for you, honey.

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Send your comments and feedback here.

Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.

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[cyberjoke3000] October 7, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

GiveAwayOfTheDay.com gives away one free piece of software per day. Not trial, shareware, or beta versions, real software.
http://www.giveawayoftheday.com/

Come on. Impress your friends. Show 'em your brand new CyberJoke 3000™ for iPhone!
http://tinyurl.com/CyberJoke3000

Got a joke to share with me? Send it here. If you received this email from a friend, why not start your own free subscription? It's easy. See below.

AL

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Vacationing in the hills of Alabama, the traveling salesmen realized he was out of paper. He found an old country store and, behind the counter, stood a cute young farm girl. He asked, "Do you keep stationery?" She replied, "Well, I can... till I orgasm and then I go jes' plain loco!"

Creeping around the house, the private detectives peered into the bedroom window and saw their client's wife in bed with another man. "Just as I suspected," said the first. "Let's go in after him." "Good idea," said the other. "How soon do you think he'll be finished?"

---

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To change your email address
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Submit your jokes for CyberJoke 3000™ here.
Send your comments and feedback here.

Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.

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[cyberjoke3000] October 6, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Al Johnson sends along this video that shows what happens when Star Trek meets Monty Python:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=luVjkTEIoJc

What? You still haven't downloaded CyberJoke 3000™ to your iPhone? Come on; you get over 100 jokes for under $2. Finally you can "get your 2¢ worth!"
http://tinyurl.com/CyberJoke3000

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

"How's the new job, Bill?" "Oh, not so bad. I kinda like it except for our 'Seagull Manager'." "What's a Seagull Manager?" "Oh, he flies in at the worst possible time, makes a bunch of noise, sh¡ts over everything, and then leaves!"

As the Viking warship stealthily slipped up on the unsuspecting Saxon seaside village, Brodar the Chieftain rose and addressed his followers: "Men," he bellowed, "our plan is to burn the village..." "Huzzah!" roared his warriors. ..."kill all the men..." "Huzzah!" ..."and screw all the women several times!" "Hooray for our glorious leader and his wonderful plan!" they shouted. Brodar continued, "And men?" "Yes, noble Brodar?" they replied. "For God's sake get it right this time!"

---

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I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.

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[cyberjoke3000] October 5, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Summer is definitely over in Seattle. I actually had to have the furnace repairman out. Grrrr. Maybe some sight gags would help?
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2011

If you're on Facebook or Twitter or any of the social networking sites, how about doing me a favor? Give my new iPhone app a plug to your friends. I'd really appreciate it! Here's the link
tinyurl.com/cyberjoke
Easy, isn't it? 

Got a joke to share with me? Send it here. If you received this email from a friend, why not start your own free subscription? It's easy. See below.

AL

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Do you have trouble understanding Einstein's E=MC2 theory of relativity? Think of relativity like this: sit beside a beautiful naked woman for an hour and it only seems like a minute but sit on a hot stove for a minute and it seems like an hour!

A suave, sophisticated young man confidently strolled over to a beautiful young woman sitting alone and asked, "What can I get you, gorgeous?" She blushed and replied, "I'll have a big stiff one, please." He smiled and whispered in her ear, "Would that be before or after I get the drinks?"

---

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.

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