Joke For All: June 2010

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] July 1, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Fred Fulkerson reminded me to also plug Woot's other sites: Deals Woot, Shirt Woot, Wine Woot, and Kids Woot. They're all written in that same wonderful snarky style. Shirt Woot offers some seriously-weird, seriously-funny T-shirts for about $10. Check 'em all out. And just this afternoon, Woot got bought out by Amazon!
http://deals.woot.com
http://shirt.woot.com
http://wine.woot.com
http://kids.woot.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Last night, my wife and I sorted out our wills and life insurance papers. Now it's just a waiting game.

Did you hear about the little Dutch boy who showed up at school with a black eye? The teacher asked him what happened and he replied, "I stuck my finger in the wrong dike!"

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I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.

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[cyberjoke3000] June 30, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Have you tried Woot.com? I don't normally plug merchandise sites, but Woot's descriptions are usually quite funny. And sometimes their deals are good, too. Check 'em out around midnight when the daily deal changes:
http://www.woot.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

My wife said, "It would be so romantic if, when I die, you bury me in my wedding dress." I told her, "You'd better catch some kind of 'wasting away' disease!"

A salesman was assigned a new route that meant, for the first time, he would visit Texas. Not realizing the great distances involved there, he didn't reach his first stop until quite late, so he decided to eat in his motel's restaurant. He ordered a small beer but the waitress brought him a huge mug. "Waitress, I ordered a small beer." She replied, "Hon, you're in Texas, now. In Texas, that is a small beer." For dinner he ordered a petite steak but the waitress delivered a slab of meat two inches thick and hanging off a platter. "Waitress, I ordered the petite stake." She replied, "Hon, you're in Texas, now. In Texas, that is the petite stake." Soon all that beer got to him, so he her for directions to the restroom. She told him, "Down the hall, third door on the right." He staggered down the hall, opened the third door on the left, and stumbled right into the motel's swimming pool. As he bobbed to the surface, he screamed, "Don't flush it!"

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Tuesday, June 29, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] June 29, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Mark Bateman sends along a great value for families this summer: two free games of bowling for kids, every day, all summer! Valid in both the US and Canada.
http://www.kidsbowlfree.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

What's the ideal weight of a lawyer? About three pounds, including the urn!

Back in the days of the Wild West, a bandit ambushed a stagecoach. The bandit yelled, "Everyone out!" Little Johnny asked the bandit, "My poor old ancient grandmother, too?" The bandit replied, "I said everyone!" After everyone was standing outside the stagecoach, he yelled, "Everyone hand over all your money and jewelry!" Little Johnny asked, "My poor old ancient grandmother, too?" The bandit replied, "I said everyone!" So they did. Then the bandit yelled, "Everyone take off all your clothes!" Again Little Johnny piped up, "My poor old ancient grandmother, too?" The bandit replied, "I said everyone!" When everyone was undressed, the bandit yelled, "Now everyone of you womenfolk climb inside the stagecoach so I can have sex with you!" Before Little Jimmy could speak, his old ancient grandmother looked him straight in the eye and said, "He said everyone!"

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Sunday, June 27, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] June 28, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

"Summertime... and the sight gags are easy..." and it's time to celebrate "who needs a truck" week on Cybergag 3000™!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2391

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A Kentucky horse breeder had a filly that was very temperamental. In an evening race, she would win easily, but in afternoon races she lost every time. He finally stopped racing her when he realized: she was a real night mare!

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied a ship in distress. "Follow me, son," the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the ship. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did. When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the sh¡t inside!"

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Thursday, June 24, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] June 25, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Lowell Wall sends along this interesting four-page website showing the automotive work of Dean Weller.
http://kansastravel.org/grandpasoldfordgarage.htm

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

I was going to become a procrastinator, but I just never got around to it!

The health inspector entered a new restaurant and sat where he could watch the kitchen. When the waitress called out an order for a pizza, he saw the chef for the first time -- and he was shirtless. He grabbed some dough and flattened on his bare chest. Appalled, the inspector had barely started writing him up when an order came in for a hamburger. The cook grabbed some ground beef, stuck it under his arm, and pressed a perfect patty. Shocked, the health inspector summoned the manager and told him of the cook's deplorable behavior. The manager was nonplussed. "That's nothing," he said. "You should see him in the morning when he makes donuts!"

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Wednesday, June 23, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] June 24, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Most movies end up with a different cast from what they thought they'd have when they started casting. WildAmmo shows you fake movie posters showing those original casts. See "If Movies Followed Their Original Casting"
http://bit.ly/c0tWqs

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

I was going to become a masochist but I decided I'd only be hurting myself!

As I walked past my neighbor's van that was covered in dust I noticed someone had written on it, "I wish my wife was as dirty as this van." I just had to write, "She is -- when you're at work!"

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Tuesday, June 22, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] June 23, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Keith Thompson asks, what would you do if you could travel back in time? Assassinate Marilyn Monroe? Go on a date with Hitler? Sell outrageous 2010 products that look 1977? Check out "Alt-1977, We Are Not Time Travelers."
http://bit.ly/cd0K6T

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A teacher, teaching her second graders logical thinking, set the scene. "A man, standing in a boat in the middle of a river, was fishing when he lost his balance, fell in, and started yelling for help. His wife heard the commotion and, knowing he can't swim, ran down to the bank. Now, children, why do you think she ran to the bank?" Little Johnny piped up, "To withdraw all his savings!"

What do you call an Alaskan lesbian? A Klon-dyke!

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[cyberjoke3000] June 22, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Please don't forget about me if you find a great joke, particularly risqué jokes. Please send me those you think are worthy of the list!

Think today's commercials aren't as good as yesterday's? I disagree -- but you can make up your own mind here:
http://www.vintageadbrowser.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

"I'm prescribing these pills for you," the doctor told the overweight patient, "but don't swallow them." "But, Doc, if I don't swallow them, what good will they do me?" replied his patient. "Just spill the whole bottle on the floor twice a day. Then bend over and pick them up, one at a time!"

My girlfriend told me she was going to get rid of her love handles. I told her she'd look dumb without ears!

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Monday, June 21, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] June 21, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Today is the longest day of the year so you've got plenty of time to waste on a few sight gags! And when better than June to celebrate the marriage of some ill-named couples?
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2381

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Before speaking at an important convention, the CEO asked an employee named Jenkins to write him a short, punchy speech. After the event, Jenkins was ordered into his furious boss's office. "I told you I wanted a punchy speech," he barked. "Half my audience walked out before I finished." Jenkins was baffled. "That speech was twenty minutes, tops," he replied. "And, as you ordered, I gave you two extra copies."

No woman will ever be truly satisfied because no man has a chocolate pen¡s that ejaculates money!

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Thursday, June 17, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] June 18, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

I'm rather shocked to say this, but I'm running out of jokes. Not clean ones, surprisingly, but the "second joke" of the day. I'm not sure what happened; you have been providing me with plenty of new jokes for years now. Could we have run through all the risqué ones? So, please! Think a while and send me your favorites. HELP! (Nothing outside CyberJoke 3000™'s standards, please.)

Need a certificate to honor someone special? This site provides free templates to let you create custom certificates to celebrate special moments.
http://www.certificatestreet.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A twelve-year-old boy received a journal as a birthday gift. He looked at it carefully, but was mystified. "Mom, what's the deal with this book? All the pages are blank." "That's called a journal," she explained. "You write down interesting stuff that happens to you." His face brightened as he caught her drift. "So it's kinda like a blog, only on paper?!"

Wife to marriage counselor: "All he does is watch porn. He never touches me anymore." Counselor: "Sir, you should be ashamed. Your wife needs you." Husband (defensively): "It was Pamela Anderson in 3D." Counselor: "Really? DirectTV or Dish?"

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Wednesday, June 16, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] June 17, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Nine things invented or discovered by accident:
http://tinyurl.com/5zkhya

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

What kind of socks does a pirate wear? Aaaarrrrrrrrghyle!

"Ray, why are you hobbling around today?" "It's my new male birth control device." "What? Male birth control?" Ray answered, "Yeah. I read last night that a pebble in your shoe makes you limp!"

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Tuesday, June 15, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] June 16, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

I knew that www.archive.org stores the entire Internet every few days, but it also stores other things, too. Remember those catchy jingles they used to play at the drive-in before the show started? (Uh, oh. Am I dating myself?):
http://www.archive.org/details/DriveInMovieAds

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Craig Ferguson said, "With email, texting and Twitter, we rarely use paper anymore. We've become a paperless society, except in Arizona!"

Before he left on a business trip, the father took his young son aside. "Cameron, I'm trusting you to take care of the family while I'm gone. You're going to be the man of the house." Comprehending the gravity of the situation, Cameron replied soberly, "In that case, I'm gonna need the remote."

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Monday, June 14, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] June 15, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

This site has beautiful time-lapse photography of the Alps, especially if you're having a trying day. This will calm you and remind you just how insignificant we really are. (Be sure to watch in high resolution, if your connection supports it.)
http://www.magictimelapse.ch/v2/en/index.htm

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A priest was repairing the parish fence when he noticed a young boy watching him. The priest asked, "Do you want to speak with me, my son?" "No, Father. I'm just waiting." "Waiting for what, child?" "Waiting to hear what a priest says when he hits his finger with a hammer!"

Why is it called "raw" sewage? Who cooks that stuff?

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Sunday, June 13, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] June 14, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Everyone can use a little Monday morning pick-me-up. Sorry, all I've got is Sight Gags!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2371

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Breaking News: The Gulf of Mexico oil spill crisis has finally ended. BP put a wedding ring on it and it immediately stopped putting out!

Talk in the faculty lounge turned to the close of the semester. "Professor Jenkins, did anything unusual happen in your math class this semester?" "Well, Professor Cardoza, I did have one odd incident. A girl named Brentwood came into my office wearing a low-cut blouse with no bra, high heels, and a short skirt. She said she'd do anything to pass my class. She was tempting, but I told her no and gave her the F she earned. How about English Lit?" "I, too, had a Miss Brentwood and she tried the same trick on me. I also gave her an F." "Shall we see if she tried it in all her classes?" asked Professor Jenkins. A few minutes later, he pulled up Miss Brentwood's file. "Interesting," he said. "She received an F in every class but one, where she got an A." "Whose class was that?" asked Jenkins. "Professor Hingman: Professional Ethics."

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Thursday, June 10, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] June 11, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Larry Buchanan sends along the site "How It Should Have Ended," a site filled with videos showing how movies could be about two hours shorter:
http://www.howitshouldhaveended.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A high-school football player was in the oral surgeon's chair to have all his wisdom teeth extracted. As the intravenous anesthesia was administered, the doctor asked, "Jim? How do you feel?" Struggling to keep his eyes open, Jim slurred, "Like I'm in English class!"

Two ladies of a certain age were having lunch at the country club when one mentioned a mutual friend sitting a few tables away. "My, that Robert sure dresses well, doesn't he?" said one. The other lady replied, "Yes. And quickly, too!"

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Wednesday, June 9, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] June 10, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Someone has found the entire alphabet on Google Maps:
http://bit.ly/8Ahb7

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A young waiter approached a table of six elderly women. He asked, "Is anything okay?"

Bill sat down in the front row of a strip club. As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy behind him yelled, "Yeah, baby! That's what I'm waitin' for!" Bill gave him a dirty look. A few minutes later, the dancer removed her top. The jerk yelled again, "Yeah, baby! Shake those things!" Bill turned around and said, "Hey, buddy. Calm down!" A few minutes later and she was down to her G-string. "Yeah, baby! You're almost there!" Bill angrily told the jerk, "Hey! Shut the hell up!" When she finally stretched out on the floor stark naked, the whole club went wild... except for the guy behind Bill. Curious, Bill turned around and asked, "Say, pal, where's your enthusiasm now?" The guy responded, "All over your back!"

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Tuesday, June 8, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] June 9, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Nowadays anyone can Photoshop almost anything but here are loads of photos that look like they've been Photoshopped but really haven't.
http://tinyurl.com/yjcq2y4

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

When I was a boy, Momma would send me to the corner store with a dollar and I'd come back with five pounds of potatoes, a loaf of bread, a gallon of milk, a pound of cheese, and a dozen eggs. You can't do that anymore; too damned many security cameras!

A blonde groupie took three football players back to her apartment after the game. As they were having a good time, she heard her husband arriving. "Quick! Hide!" she cried. The quarterback jumped in the closet. The tight end dived under the bed. But the tackle couldn't fit in either, so he lowered himself outside the window and hung on for dear life. "What's going on here?" yelled the husband as he looked under the bed. The naked tight end thought quickly and started twiddling with the bed frame. "Your wife hired me to repair the bed," he said. "It's all fixed now. That'll be $50." The husband looked suspicious but went to the closet to get some cash. When he opened the door, there stood the naked quarterback! Also thinking quickly, he said, "Your wife hired me to repair your closet. It's all fixed now. That'll be $100." Not wanting to miss out on free money, the tackle yelled through the open window, "Hey! What about me? I screwed her, too!"

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Monday, June 7, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] June 8, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Agustín Cordes sends along this tribute to Japanese game shows: 10 Most Insane Moments from Japanese TV. Caution: weird!
http://www.popcrunch.com/10-most-insane-moments-from-japanese-tv/

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A drunk complained to the doctor, "I feel tired all the time. My head hurts. I've got a sore leg. I can't sleep. What's wrong, Doc?" The doctor examined him thoroughly and said, "I find nothing wrong -- it must be the drinking." "Fair enough," slurred the drunk. "Why don't I come back when you're sober?!"

Morris came home to find his wife crying. "What's wrong, Sadie?" Sadie replied, "Mrs. Goldberg told me you're having an affair with your secretary. Why, Morris? Haven't I been a good wife? I've cooked, raised our children, and stood beside you for thirty-five years. What haven't I done for you?" Embarrassed, Morris confessed, "It's true, Sadie, you're the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in everyway... but one. You don't moan when we have sex!" Sadie looked up. "If I moaned during sex, you'd stop cheating on me? All right, let's go to the bedroom right now so I can show you how I can moan during sex!" They went to the bedroom, got undressed, and climbed between the sheets. As they kissed, Sadie asked, "Now, Morris? Should I moan now?" "No, not yet, Sadie." As Morris fondled Sadie, she asked, "What about now? Should I moan now?" "No. I'll tell you when." He climbed on top of her and began intercourse. "Now, Morris? Do you want me to moan now?" "Wait. I'll tell you when." Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax, Morris yelled, "Now, Sadie! Moan! MOAN!" With great sincerity Sadie cried, "Oy! What a day I've had today..."

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Joke For All

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] July 1, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] June 30, 2010

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] June 29, 2010

Sunday, June 27, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] June 28, 2010

Thursday, June 24, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] June 25, 2010

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] June 24, 2010

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] June 23, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] June 22, 2010

Monday, June 21, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] June 21, 2010

Thursday, June 17, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] June 18, 2010

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] June 17, 2010

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] June 16, 2010

Monday, June 14, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] June 15, 2010

Sunday, June 13, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] June 14, 2010

Thursday, June 10, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] June 11, 2010

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] June 10, 2010

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] June 9, 2010

Monday, June 7, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] June 8, 2010

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