Joke For All: October 2010

Sunday, October 31, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] November 1, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Know what will help that "too much Halloween candy" hangover? Sight gags!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2571

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Robert A. Heinlein said, "Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."

A guy saved his money all week so he could take his blind date out to a nice restaurant. She proceeded to order the most expensive items on the menu: Champagne, shrimp cocktail, lobster.... Finally, he asked, "Does your mother feed you like this at home?" She replied with a smile, "No, but then my mother's not expecting a blow job later." He said, "Enjoy!"

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Friday, October 29, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] October 29, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Petrucio sends along this interesting infographic which proves that, while the father-son balloon team I mentioned a few days ago did achieve incredible heights for a home-made rig, it got less than a third of the way to space. Spend a few minutes here and I bet you'll learn something!
http://bit.ly/9fG1fJ

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese!

Paddy was passing by Mick's hay shed when he noticed Mick dancing a slow, sensual striptease before an old Massey-Ferguson tractor. Buttocks clenched, he did a slow pirouette, gently sliding along the right wheel well and then the left, hunching his shoulders, letting his suspenders slip from his shoulders. He then ripped open his plaid shirt and tossed it onto a pile of hay. "Jeezus, Mick!" yelled Paddy. "What're ya doin'?' "Oh, hey, Paddy. Ye frightened the livin' bejasus out of me," said the obviously embarrassed Mick. "Ya see, me and the missus been having a little trouble lately in the ol' bedroom department and the doctor suggested I do something sexy to a tractor!"

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Wednesday, October 27, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] October 28, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Top Gear's James May goes for a little ride with drift-driving legend Ken Block on a quiet little California airfield. Quiet until they start, that is! They're joined by dirt-bike champion Ricky Carmichael for an amazing show of driving and riding skills.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lFF2bkiHNVQ

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Today's Self-improvement Lesson: In promulgating your esoteric cogitation or articulating your superficial sentimentalities and amicable philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity. Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency, and a concatenated consistency. Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent garrulity, jejune babblement, and asinine affectations. Let your extemporaneous descanting and unpremeditated expatiation have intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical bombast. Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy, and vain vapid verbosity. In short: "Be brief and don't use big words."

What are the two most common Polish lies? "The check is in your mouth" and "No, I won't come in the mail!"

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[cyberjoke3000] October 27, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Terri Adishian sends along this video of a father and his 7-year-old son building and launching a weather balloon with a video camera, an iPhone, and some hand warmers. What happens? It went into space! What a way to interest your kid in science!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fXkoIBDXwd8

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Why Pumpkins Are Better Than Men: Each year you get to choose from a brand new crop. No matter your mood, pumpkins greet you with a smile. They can make a pie. If you don't like their looks, just carve them another face. They're always waiting on the doorstep. When they start smelling, you can toss them out. You know their heads are empty and mushy. They're only turned on when you want them to be.

Two hunters were deep in the woods when the blonde hunter said, "I've got to take a dump." The brunette hunter replied, "Well, do it. Just go behind some tree." The blonde guy said, "But I don't have any paper." The brunette guy replied, "Have you got a dollar? Use that." The blonde said, "Sure, I've got a dollar. Good idea. I'll use that!" But when he returned, he had sh¡t all over himself. His friend asked, "What happened?" The blonde replied, "Have you ever wiped with a bunch of coins?!"

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Monday, October 25, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] October 26, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

What will like be like far in the future, say, oh, way off in 1975? Here's a look back at past future predictions:
http://bit.ly/apA6xv

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Women's Words to Live By: "Aspire to be Barbie; that bitch has everything." "If the shoe fits, buy them in every color." "Take life with a pinch of salt... a wedge of lime and a shot of tequila." "Try the 30-day diet; I'm on it and so far I've lost ten days." "Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS; this is just your personality." "Lead me not into temptation; I can find it myself." "Don't get your panties in a bunch; it makes you walk funny." "When life gives you lemons... buy Coronas." "The perfect man? He's living in San Francisco with his boyfriend." "Parenthood gets better after the first forty years." "Anything with tires or testicles is trouble." "By the time a women realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she's wrong."

Due to inflation, the sexual position known as 69 will now be known as 96. It seems the cost of eating out has gone up!

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Sunday, October 24, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] October 25, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

What sort of person would show up for work Monday morning and then waste their time looking at sight gags? You know....
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2561

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A wealthy man had a falling out with his two sons, serious enough that he decided to change his will. He tossed his will onto his lawyer's table and said, "Give this a heircut."

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go. Suddenly there was a bucking fang and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper. The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!

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Thursday, October 21, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] October 22, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Jason Myers sends along yet another free PDF app -- PDFsam (for "PDF Split and Merge") with a wide variety of parameters for custom document management. This is one that I'm sure I'll use a lot!
http://pdfsam.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

How can you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed to one side!

A priest was teaching his young nephew how to masturbate. "This is great!" said his nephew. The priest replied, "Yeah, it is. And when you're a little older, you'll be able to use your own co¢k!"

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Wednesday, October 20, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] October 21, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Jesse Alter sends along his recommendation of PDF Creator, an open source project that works as a pseudo-printer (like PrimoPDF) but lets you print multiple files, which it then merges into one PDF.
http://www.pdfforge.org

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

As I backed out with my van full of Boy Scouts for a three-day camping trip, I noticed a pair of hiking boots on the front porch, so I stopped, retrieved them, and threw them in back with all the other gear. An hour later, my cell phone rang; it was my wife. "Honey, do you know anything about the plumber's boots he left on our front porch?"

A man, traveling across the barren desert, longed for sex. With no women near, he tried his camel, but whenever he got into position, the camel ran off. Finally, he caught it, got back on and rode farther. Soon he again felt the same urge for sex. But again, the camel ran away. Finally, after many frustrated days, he came to a highway where three buxom blondes sat in a broken-down car. "Ladies, do you need help?" he asked. The hottest girl responded, "We sure do! If you can fix our car, we'll do anything you ask in payment!" Luckily, he knew a lot about cars and easily repaired theirs. When he was done, the girls giggled, "So? How can we repay you?" He replied, "Would you mind holding my camel?"

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Tuesday, October 19, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] October 20, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Yesterday I mentioned PDF tools; I should have included the one I use the most! PrimoPDF installs like a printer. Anytime you print something, you can choose it and produce a PDF file. Free, simple, always works. Download it, install it, and start making PDFs today. Thanks, Rob!
http://www.primopdf.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Did you hear abut the Brit who was dating two anorexic girls? Two birds, one stone.

An American couple was walking down a street in Germany when they passed a man urinating into the gutter. The woman said, "Gross!" The German man replied, "Danke!"

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Monday, October 18, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] October 19, 2010

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[cyberjoke3000] October 19, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Look: they're sight gags, get it? You don't have to read much, just laugh!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2551

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what: never again!

You know your relationship is getting stale when, during the throes of passion, you whisper, "Let's go together!" and she responds, "Okay. Where?"

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Thursday, October 14, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] October 15, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

The Museum of Unintended Use is kind of like a classier "There! I Fixed It," but still a fun read.
http://www.museumofunintendeduse.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember: the fire department uses water.

Why does it take a hundred million sperm to fertilize just one egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions!

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Wednesday, October 13, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] October 14, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Agree or not, Neatorama claims these are "The 25 Most Important Questions in the History of the Universe." They are interesting. I've always wondered by Grape-Nuts are called that...
http://bit.ly/8ZzOqu

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The Florida minister lamented about how difficult it was to get his message across to his congregation. "It's so beautiful here in the winter that heaven doesn't interest them," he said. "And it's so hot here in the summer that hell doesn't scare them!"

A man went door-to-door doing a sexual survey. "How many times per week do you sleep with your wife?" he asked the first man. "Three times," Jeff said without hesitation. "That is once more often than your neighbor," the inquirer said, writing. "That makes sense," Jeff said, "after all, she is my wife."

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Tuesday, October 12, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] October 13, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Need to "burn in" a new monitor? This site may help. At the very least, it's fun.
http://www.flamingcursor.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The young man was taking a long time to place his order at the flower shop. He explained to the clerk that his girlfriend was turning 19 and he couldn't decide whether to give her a dozen roses or 19 roses, one for each year of her life. The clerk smiled and advised, "Remember: she may be a 19-year-old girlfriend now, but someday she could be your 50-year-old wife." He went with the dozen roses!

Why was Bunker Hill slippery? "The British are coming! The British are coming!"

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Monday, October 11, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] October 12, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Dave Goordman sends along this photo article on eLegs, recently introduced by Berkeley Bionics. "All" it does is let paraplegics walk again!
http://www.zdnet.com/photos/elegs-let-paraplegics-walk-again-photos/473065

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The village blacksmith finally found a new apprentice who was willing to work hard for long hours for no pay. The blacksmith instructed the lad, "I'll take a horseshoe from the fire, lay it on the anvil and, when I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer." The apprentice did exactly as he was told. Now he's the village blacksmith!

What do you get if you mix human DNA with goat DNA? Banned from the petting zoo!

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[cyberjoke3000] October 11, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Monday == sightGagsDay;
Look! It's computer code for your weekly smile.
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2541

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Why did the French plant trees along the Champs Elysees? Because Germans like to march in the shade!

A man asked his doctor, "Doc, is there anything you can do about my premature ejaculation?" The doctor replied, "No, but here's the address of a woman with a short attention span!"

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Thursday, October 7, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] October 8, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Want to see a map of the University of Warwick campus? Probably not. But how about a map made by a GPS device recording the footsteps of one student walking 238 miles around every building and object on campus? He even traced his name and website into the map!
http://gizmodo.com/5583913/gps-mapping-on-foot

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Sex is the price women have to pay for marriage; marriage is the price men have to pay for sex!

What's the difference between a microwave oven and anal sex? A microwave won't brown your meat!

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Wednesday, October 6, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] October 7, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

I apologize for yesterday's joke being so late, so, to make up for it, I'm sending today's joke quite early. Ya win some...

Running Windows 7 and miss your good old Quick Launch toolbar? Here's how to get it back.
http://bit.ly/bTavFa

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

If you ever run low on spare parts, disassemble and then reassemble any device. Repeat until your spare parts box is full.

Why do men whistle while sitting on the toilet? It helps them remember which end to wipe!

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Tuesday, October 5, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] October 6, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Barbara Horn sends along this warning about "bottle bombs," innocent looking soda bottles filled with Drano, water and aluminum foil that pack quite a wallop...but not until you touch them, mixing the ingredients together. Read about it here:
http://www.snopes.com/crime/warnings/bottlebomb.asp

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Mrs. Applebee posed a math question to her sixth-graders. "A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars, one-fifth to his wife, one-fifth to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. What does each get?" Little Johnny's hand popped up instantly. "A lawyer!"

A devout Catholic lady was running late to church when she slipped on the church steps and took a tumble. Dazed, she glanced up and saw a man looking down at her. "Are you okay?" he asked. "Yes, but is Mass out?" she asked. "No, ma'am," he replied, "but your hat's crooked!"

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Joke For All

Sunday, October 31, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] November 1, 2010

Friday, October 29, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] October 29, 2010

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] October 28, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] October 27, 2010

Monday, October 25, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] October 26, 2010

Sunday, October 24, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] October 25, 2010

Thursday, October 21, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] October 22, 2010

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] October 21, 2010

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] October 20, 2010

Monday, October 18, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] October 19, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] October 19, 2010

Thursday, October 14, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] October 15, 2010

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] October 14, 2010

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] October 13, 2010

Monday, October 11, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] October 12, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] October 11, 2010

Thursday, October 7, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] October 8, 2010

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] October 7, 2010

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] October 6, 2010

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