Joke For All: December 2010

Thursday, December 30, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] December 31, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Happy New Year!

CyberJokester Conor Magee sends along this video of a math teacher's humorous problems with his computer. Watch for a while; you'll get hooked.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=04jsncsgrjo

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Jay Leno says: There are now more overweight Americans than average-weight, which makes overweight people average. That means you've already met your New Year's resolution!

A flea went to a travel agent. "I've got a week off; where could I go?" The agent said, "Well, what do you like?" The flea responded, "Me? I'm a flea. I love heat. Rain forest. Beach. Lie out in the sun. Kick back." "How about a week inside Ringo Starr's hair in Nice, in the south of France?" "Sounds great." So he goes there, but within four days is back in the travel agent's office. "What's wrong? You're back early." "It was terrible. Ringo never left the room. He doesn't lie out in the sun. He's always inside, playing drums, shaking his head. I got a migraine! I just want to be outside, sunning myself, relaxing. Don't you have something a little more elegant?" "How about a week in Monte Carlo in Omar Sharif's mustache? He's a classy guy." "Hey. Now you're talking!" So the agent booked him for a week in Omar Sharif's mustache. But in another four days, the flea was back, complaining, "It was horrible. Omar never leaves the casino. He smokes cigars. I couldn't breathe. No way. Terrible. Please! I just want to lie out in the sun, relaxing." So the agent checked his computer. "You're in luck. We've just had a cancellation. I can give you a week in Cannes in Bridget Bardot's muff." "Deal!" The flea went on his vacation, but again, he was back in a few days. The travel agent was shocked. "What? I can't believe it? You're back early? You didn't like that holiday?" "Like it? I loved it! She lies out by the pool all day like a sun goddess, listening to classical music, reading books. I was in her muff, all warm and cozy and dry. It was nirvana. I wanted it to last forever!" "Then why are you back early?" The flea replied, "Don't ask me! All I know is: after three days, I was back in Omar Sharif's mustache!"

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[cyberjoke3000] December 30, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Improv Everywhere has done it again. This time the instructions were to download an MP3 file, grab a roll of toilet paper, wear earphones, and meet in Manhatatan. Watch what happened!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kVuVhcdQs0k

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

An old Scottish farmer's dog disappeared. He was inconsolable. His wife suggested he run an ad in the paper. He did, but two weeks later, the dog was still missing. His wife asked, "What did you put in the paper?" He replied, "They charged by the word so I just put, 'Here, boy!' "

Did you hear about the German bisexual? She went down on her Hans and niece!

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Tuesday, December 28, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] December 29, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Rick Mercer visited Algonquin Park to help tag nursing mother bears and their cubs. Cute, interesting, and hilarious.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vJRDpTUIrJI

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A blonde came home to find an envelope lying on her doormat stamped with a prominent "DO NOT BEND." She spent the rest of the evening trying to figure out how to pick it up!

What's the most intelligent thing to come out of a woman's mouth? Albert Einstein's pen¡s!

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Monday, December 27, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] December 28, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Jamin Kalita sends along this wonderful site that, when you're a little short of Amazon's $25 free shipping mark, you tell it how much you're short and it generates a list of the cheapest items to get you to free shipping. Brilliant. I wish I had known about this before the Christmas shopping season!
http://www.filleritem.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Paddy took his goldfish to the veterinarian. "I think it's got epilepsy," he said. The vet looked at it and said, "It seems okay to me." Paddy said, "Wait till I take it out of the bowl!"

A guy walked into a doctor's office for an appointment. "And what is your problem?" asked the pretty receptionist. "It's embarrassing," the guy stammered. "I'm suffering from a large, constant erection." "Well, the doctor's schedule is full today, but maybe I can squeeze you in!"

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[cyberjoke3000] December 27, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Yeah, I know you didn't want to go back to work today. As payment for showing up, take a few minutes break:
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2651

I apologize for the dead links to the four songs I sent out on Christmas. A while back I had a problem with other websites posting links to my videos so I had to pay for their bandwidth, so I prevented any request from outside my domain from accessing them. I didn't notice that I also blocked the audio files. I removed it so those links should now be good. I know it's late, but if you want to hear them, they're here:

Vocal:
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/audio/O Holy Night.mp3 http://www.allowe.com/Humor/audio/JackSheldon,It'sAJazzMusician'sChristmas.mp3

Instrumental:
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/audio/Sleigh Rough Ride by Jeff Steinberg.mp3 http://www.allowe.com/Humor/audio/OhComeAllYeScreechers.mp3

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The new young prisoner sat down on his bunk, facing an experienced old-timer. The old-timer asked, "What are you in for?" The newbie said, "For years, I lived the life of Riley; wintered on the Riviera, two yachts, four luxury cars, dined in the best restaurants, and had more beautiful women than you could count." The old boy asked, "What happened?" "One day Riley noticed his credit card was missing!"

A young lady went to a dance in a low-cut strapless gown, with a small golden airplane on a long chain around her neck. All night she noticed a young man, staring at her. Embarrassed, she held up the plane and said, "Oh, do you like my airplane?" He smiled mischievously. "No, I was just admiring its landing field!"

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Friday, December 24, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] December 25, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Here are some humorous Christmas MP3s that I simply have to share with you. Consider them a CyberJoke 3000™ Christmas bonus.

Vocal:
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/audio/O Holy Night.mp3
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/audio/JackSheldon,It'sAJazzMusician'sChristmas.mp3

Instrumental:
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/audio/Sleigh Rough Ride by Jeff Steinberg.mp3
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/audio/OhComeAllYeScreechers.mp3

Merry Christmas!

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Thursday, December 23, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] December 24, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Merry Christmas to all! This particular variant on the old Christmas poem struck close to home at our house this year. Here's hoping your holiday is perfect.

Here's a video by a group called Straight No Chaser that should put you in the Christmas spirit:
http://bit.ly/hov4sM

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A Parents' Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house,

I searched for tools to hand to my spouse.

Instructions were studied and we were inspired,

In hopes we could manage, "Some Assembly Required."

The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds

While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:

A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot.

And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!

We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat...

Let no screws be missing or parts incomplete!

Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;

If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!

When what to my worrying eyes should appear,

But fifty sheets of directions, concise, but unclear.

With each part numbered and every slot named,

So that, if we failed, only we could be blamed.

More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out.

All over the carpet they scattered about.

"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!

Slide on the seats and staple the stair!

Hammer the shelves and nail to the stand."

"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."

And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact

That all the toy makers had created a pact

To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night

With "assembly required" until morning's first light.

We spoke not a word but kept bent at our work

Till our eyes went bleary and our fingers all hurt.

The coffee went cold and the night wore quite thin,

Before we attached the last rod and last pin.

Then laying the tools away in the chest,

We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.

But I said to my husband just before I passed out,

"This will be our best Christmas, without any doubt.

Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,

And not have to run to the store for a thing!

We did it! We did it! The toys are all set.

We've finally created a perfect Christmas, I bet!"

Then off to dreamland we gratefully went,

For a minutes rest that felt heavenly sent.

But there's one rule to recall to those self-deluded:

Remember that batteries are never included!

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Wednesday, December 22, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] December 23, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Sadly, this year I only found a couple of new Christmas jokes. There are dozens in the CyberJoke 3000™ archive, but these are this year's only fresh entries.

CyberJokester Jyrki Parviainen was the first (of many!) who sent me this Digital Nativity Story by Excentric. How would social media, web and mobile tell the story of the Nativity? "Times change, the feeling remains the same."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GkHNNPM7pJA

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Two cousins had a sleepover at Grandma's house. Kneeling to say their bedtime prayers, the younger yelled loudly, "Dear God: For Christmas I want a bike, a video game..." His older brother interrupted him. "Why are you yelling? God can hear you. He's not deaf." The younger brother replied, "Maybe not, but Grandma is!"

At one minute before midnight on New Year's Eve, Mary stood up at the local pub and announced that it was time for every man to stand beside the person who made his life worthwhile. The bartender was nearly crushed to death!

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Tuesday, December 21, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] December 22, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Are you familiar with Word Lens? It uses your iPod or iPhone to immediately translate Spanish to English! Watch this video demo:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h2OfQdYrHRs

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

An applicant filled out a job application. For the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he checked, "No." The next question, intended for those who had checked "Yes," was, "Why?" He answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

When the wife leaned over to pull weeds from their garden, the husband said, "Your butt is getting huge. I bet it's bigger than the barbecue." While she complained, he grabbed a tape measure from the garage, measured the grill, then measured his wife. "Yep! Two inches wider than the grill!" She said nothing. But that night, in bed, when he felt frisky, she brushed him off. "What's wrong?" he asked. She answered, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-a$$ grill for one little wiener!?"

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Monday, December 20, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] December 21, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester and model railroad buddy Doug Bulger sent along the news that the Western Hemisphere had a rare total lunar eclipse ...and on the winter solstice. Yes, right now as I send this, the moon is nearing totality. I'm awake. Hope you are, too!
http://bit.ly/fZPqG8

CyberJokester and World's Greatest Daughter, Megan Hughes, sends along these Awkward Pregnancy Photos. Documenting a new life is a beautiful thing--unless you have no sense of style or taste.
http://bit.ly/ezMbhl

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

My racing snail stopped winning races, so I removed his shell to make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work. If anything, it made him more sluggish!

Why do blondes put perfume on their ankles? Because they end up behind their ears anyway!

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Sunday, December 19, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] December 20, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

You'd think that this being the last Monday before Christmas, that today's Sight Gags would be holidayie or something. You'd be wrong. Just more of the same, except different!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2641

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The doctor finished his examination and told his patient, "I have good news and bad news." His worried patient responded, "No games, Doc; just spit it out." The doctor said, "Well, the good news is: I can now afford that new BMW I've been wanting. The bad news is: you get to pay for it!"

Why are there only 239 beans in a can? Because one more will make it too farty!

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Thursday, December 16, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] December 17, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Wallace Krebs tells me that yesterday's video about the RFID credit card thieves is not as worrisome as it first appeared. The cards do not transmit that 3-digit security code on the back of your card, nor your PIN. And, if you have more than one RFID card in your wallet, the reader gets garbage because of multiple cards responding at the same time. So my plan now is: 2+ cards or nothing! And, of course, Snopes has a clear-headed look at the topic:
http://www.snopes.com/fraud/identity/pickpocket.asp

Like to watch YouTube but hate those ads added to the beginning of some videos? As soon as the ad starts to play, press F5 to reload the page. The video will play without the ad!

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A bank is a place that will lend you money ...but only if you can prove you don't need it.

The minister of a small rural church could barely finish his sermon due to the exposed cleavage of a young lady in the front row. After the service, he asked to speak to her alone. "Miss, you shouldn't come to church dressed like that." "Why not, reverend?" she replied. "My boyfriends say they hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my breasts." After confirming that they were indeed alone, he placed his head there himself. Moments later, he raised his head. "I hear no angels!" She replied, "Of course not. You're not plugged in yet!"

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Wednesday, December 15, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] December 16, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Got one of those new RFID credit cards yet? You may not want one. CyberJokester Zadir sends along this video showing how all your card's data can be read ...while it's still in your billfold. Scary.
http://bit.ly/fkW2nQ

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

You may be a geek if, when you see a bumper sticker that reads "Users are losers," you don't think of drugs.

Three men were sitting on a park bench, the middle one reading a newspaper, the others pretending to fish. The "fishermen" each baited his imaginary hook, cast his imaginary line, and reeled in his imaginary catch. A passing policeman saw this and asked the middle man if he knew the other two. "Yes. They're my friends." The officer warned him, "In that case, you'd better get them out of here!" "Yes, sir!" replied the man, as he began to row.

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Tuesday, December 14, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] December 15, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Of course, that game in yesterday's link was Asteroids, not Space Invaders. Thanks to all who wrote to correct me. What was I thinking?!

This family shot a photo of their daughter every day from birth to age ten. Watch a decade of one child's development in only a minute and a half. It's like stop-motion human growth.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ejbNVWES4LI

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

My wife and I had words last night. Too bad I didn't get to use mine.

"I think my wife is dealing drugs." "Oh, no. What makes you think so?" "Well, the other day, when I overslept for work, the telephone rang and, before I could even say hello, some guy asked, 'Is the dope gone yet?' "

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Monday, December 13, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] December 14, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Charter CyberJokester Neil Rubenking sends along Erik Andersson's fun bookmarklet game that lets you play Space Invaders with any web page, destroying it (without causing any real or permanent harm). It's fun!
http://erkie.github.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. Thinking it would make the trip more bearable, he invited several coworkers to share the ride. However, the commute actually got more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor. "Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week. But now, when I get in the tunnels with those four other guys crowded into the car, I get anxious and dizzy, and I feel like I'm going to explode." Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had diagnosed the ailment. "What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?" "No, it's quite common. It's called Carpool Tunnel Syndrome."

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a prostitute? A one-ton pick-up!

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[cyberjoke3000] December 13, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Better late than never. How about a few bad fixes?
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2631

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

You do not need a parachute to skydive; you only need a parachute to skydive twice!

A man passed a homeless guy who was crying. "What's wrong, buddy?" he asked. The homeless man replied, "I just did a terrible thing. A few hours ago, I sold my wife to a guy for a bottle of Mad Dog." "That's awful. And now that she's gone, you want her back, right?" "Right!" said the drunk, still crying. "You're sorry you sold her, because you now realize you love her, right?" The drunk slurred, "Ah, no. Because now I'm thirsty again!"

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Thursday, December 9, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] December 10, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

This 6-minute commercial for Johnnie Walker was shot in one take (albeit take #40) by a cameraman using a Steadicam in a rickshaw pulled by two grips.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MnSIp76CvUI
And here Director Jamie Rafn discusses "the making of:"
http://www.shots.net/article_detail.asp?atype=1&id=9071

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A man asked his shrink, "Doc, I had the strangest dream the other night. I was riding my horse in the Old West when I saw a stagecoach. I flagged it down, opened the door, entered the stagecoach, opened the door on the other side, jumped to the ground, ran around and got back on my horse. What the heck was that all about?" His shrink replied, "Oh, nothing, really. You're just going through a stage!"

My new doctor is a drop-dead gorgeous young blonde. She asked what was wrong and I told her, "Oh, I'm too embarrassed to say." She said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional. I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out." I told her, "I think my d¡ck tastes funny...."

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Joke For All

Thursday, December 30, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] December 31, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] December 30, 2010

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] December 29, 2010

Monday, December 27, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] December 28, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] December 27, 2010

Friday, December 24, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] December 25, 2010

Thursday, December 23, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] December 24, 2010

A Parents' Night Before Christmas

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] December 23, 2010

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] December 22, 2010

Monday, December 20, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] December 21, 2010

Sunday, December 19, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] December 20, 2010

Thursday, December 16, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] December 17, 2010

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] December 16, 2010

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] December 15, 2010

Monday, December 13, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] December 14, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] December 13, 2010

Thursday, December 9, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] December 10, 2010

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