Joke For All: March 2013

Sunday, March 31, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] April 1, 2013

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

I’m sorry, but I have no new sight gags. April Fool!!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=3791

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

How did we describe the size of hail before golf was invented?

"Hello, police? My next-door neighbor is exposing himself! He's just standing there, big as you please, showering with his shades up!" A squad car quickly arrived and Judy led the officer into her bedroom. "See what I mean, officer?" Judy said, pointing to the window. The policeman looked puzzled. "Ma'am, all I see is the top of some guy's head." Judy replied, disgustedly, "You fool. Here, put this chair on the bed and stand on it!"

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Friday, March 29, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] March 29, 2013

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Wallace Krebs sends along this video on biomass, which Earth species weigh the most. Think humans are the dominant species? This will put things in perspective.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=fWc46NCnldo

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Jay Leno says: Last weekend, Pope Francis met with Pope Emeritus Benedict. They spent the day in prayer, trying to figure out exactly what marshmallow Peeps have to do with Easter!

If absence makes the heart grow fonder, then abstinence makes it grow longer!

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Wednesday, March 27, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] March 28, 2013

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Robin Spark tells me my advice on hovering your mouse to first check a link is incomplete. It's possible to use JavaScript to redirect a link and fool your browser. That said, I use Outlook for email and such links make it display "blocked." All the more reason to think twice before clicking anything!

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Dear Abby, "I'm two months pregnant. When will my baby move?" "With any luck, as soon as he finishes college!"

A woman went to the podiatrist. "Doc, I just got back from a few weeks in the Bahamas. The weather was great so I spent most days just lying on the beach. But the strangest thing happened: whenever a good-looking guy walked by, I got a tingling sensation between my toes." The podiatrist started to examine her and asked, "Did you get this sensation between all your toes?" She replied, "Actually, no; just between my two big toes!"

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Tuesday, March 26, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] March 27, 2013

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

I often use Bit.ly to shorten URLs. But I'm also suspicious. If I get a Bit.ly from an unknown source, I want to know where it will take me – before I go there! Simple. Don't click the link; instead, copy and paste it into your browser's address bar and then add a + at the end. For example, this goes to my website:

http://bit.ly/1037Y9I

But the same URL with the + added goes to Bit.ly first and shows you a preview:

http://bit.ly/1037Y9I+

Try them both. And remember to add that +!

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Definition of politeness: making company feel at home when you wish they were.

When the sheik's oil field dried up, he knew he'd have to cut back on expenses and that included his prized harem. He held a contest to decide which women were sexually the best. Night after night the contest went on. But one girl performed such outstanding oral sex, he knew she was a keeper. He asked her the secret of her fabulous technique. "I did as my mother taught me, oh Sovereign: before our sessions, I suck on ice cubes. Mother always told me 'the cooler head prevails'!"

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Monday, March 25, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] March 26, 2013

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Zadir sends along this video excerpt from the documentary film "Chasing Ice," showing the largest glacier calving event every witnessed. It's like watching Lower Manhattan collapse and float away.
http://www.youtube.com/embed/hC3VTgIPoGU

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A woman sued her local hospital claiming that, after her husband was treated there, he lost all interest in sex. But her case was thrown out of court when a hospital spokesman testified, "Your Honor, the man was admitted to our Ophthalmology Department. All we did was correct his vision!"

After thirty years of marriage, I now enjoy sex like a teenager: by myself!

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Sunday, March 24, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] March 25, 2013

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

We watched Zero Dark Thirty tonight. Life of Pi must be one helluva movie to be better! Oh, yeah. Sight gags:
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=3781

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Isn't it odd? "I do" is the shortest complete sentence in the English language, but for some couples, it's also the longest!

A downtrodden Prince Charming entered an inn. The innkeeper asked, "Why so glum, Charming?" He replied, "This morning, in the Enchanted Forest, I happened upon Snow White, fast asleep on a bed of stone. A dwarf beside her said she had eaten a poisoned apple and could only be revived by a kiss from a prince. I'm a helpful guy. I thought, 'I can handle this.' I tried a little peck on the cheek, but nothing happened. So I grabbed her shoulders and gave her a real kiss. Nothing. I tried a French kiss to no avail. I moved through every technique I know until finally, full intercourse! Suddenly, she screamed, 'Ah, yes. Yes! YES!' " "Great," said the bartender. "So now she's awake?" Shrugging his shoulders, Prince Charming answered, "Nah. She was faking it!"

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Friday, March 22, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] March 22, 2013

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Hovering your cursor over any link, on any website, will make the true, full address that the link will take you to appear near the bottom of your browser. The text might say “PayPal.com,” but if hovering reveals the real link is “PayPalcom.ru,” don't click it! You could get hacked or phished.

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

An apple a day will keep anyone away ...when thrown hard enough!

A man walked into his crowded local bar, waved a revolver around and yelled, "Who here has been screwing my wife?" A voice from the back of the bar yelled back, "You're gonna need more ammo!"

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Wednesday, March 20, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] March 21, 2013

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

If you enjoyed last week’s tips on how to do things right, here are another "50 Tips to Simplify your World." Some great ideas:

http://bit.ly/WWJ2zg

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Definition of Admiration: Recognizing someone else's resemblance to yourself.

A golfer hit a wicked slice off the tee. It ricocheted through the trees and onto the next fairway, barely missing another golfer. When the first man finally found his ball, his unintended victim angrily told him of his near miss. "I'm sorry. I didn't have time to yell 'fore'," said the first golfer. The second replied, "That's funny, because you had plenty of time to yell 'sh¡t'!"

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[cyberjoke3000] March 20, 2013

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Brian Collins sends along Theo Jansen's STRANDBEEST, his 20-year project to make mechanical animals that "walk" along the beach, propelled only by wind. He even has 3D printed versions that work straight off the printer with no assembly!
http://www.strandbeest.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Bar Translator: When a man says, "May I have a glass of sweet white wine?" he really means, "I'm gay!" When a man says to a woman, "Ever try a body shot?" he really means, "I'd even drink tequila if I can lick you!" When a woman says to a man, "Ever try a body shot?" she really means, "If I'm this wild here, think what I'll do when you get me home!" When a woman says, "I don't feel well; let's go home," she really means, "You're paying more attention to your friends than to me!" When a man says, "I don't feel well; let's go home," he really means, "God, I'm horny!" When a man says, "I've already had ten beers," he really means, "I've only had three beers but I need an excuse to behave like this!" When a man says, "Who's got the next round?" he really means, "I haven't bought a round in years, but I can divert attention!" When a man says to a man, "Excuse me," he really means, "Get the hell out of my way!" When a man says to a woman, "Excuse me," he really means, "I'm going to grope you now!"

A man brought his date back to his apartment, dropped his pants, and said, "I want you to meet my little friend." She took one look and said, "Call me when he grows up!"

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Tuesday, March 19, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] March 19, 2013

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

A few months ago, CyberJokester Art Bertik asked me to perform a sax solo on his thrash punk metal song Mustard Donut. Art's band, Prainbork, is on iTunes, Spotify, GooglePlay and many other digital stores, but he wants you to download it for free from my website for a limited time. If you've never heard thrash metal sax before, here's your chance:

http://tw.gs/Pxy9Bx

Prainbork is competing to get a track onto a compilation album. If you want to help Art (and see my thrash metal debut released worldwide!), click here right now and vote for Prainbork!
http://www.globalthrashassault.net

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Three medical students were discussing their future specialties. The first said, "I'm going to be a brain surgeon. That's the frontier, the cutting edge, where so many discoveries are made." The second said, "I'm going to be a heart surgeon. So many people need help and I could do so much good." The third said, "I'm going to be a dermatologist. Your patients never die, but they don't get well either. Plus, they never wake you up at night!"

Why did Jim name his new dog "Herpes?" It wouldn't heel.

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Sunday, March 17, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] March 18, 2013

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

I think you’re boss is lucky you even showed up this morning! Reward yourself with a few sight gags:
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=3771

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Speaking your mind is easy. Speaking it tactfully? Not so much.

Two women were talking over coffee. "When my ex- and I were in bed, I used to call him 'Superman'." "That's flattering. I bet he loved it." "Not really! It's because he was faster than a speeding bullet!"

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Friday, March 15, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] March 15, 2013

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

There's a huge Reddit thread called "Lifehacks: tips to make your life easier and better” with lots of tips that are well worth your time!

http://www.reddit.com/r/lifehacks

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Punctuation Counts: "Let's eat Grandpa" is a lot different than "Let's eat, Grandpa."

Little Johnny saw his pregnant mother naked and asked, "What's that hair between your legs?" Not wanting a big discussion, she said, "Oh, that's my washcloth." After she gave birth to his little brother, Little Johnny visited her in the hospital. Noticing that her pubic hair was shaved, Little Johnny asked, "Mom? What happened to your washcloth?" She responded, "Oh, nothing. I lost it." Little Johnny proudly announced, "I know where it is." Playing along, she asked, "Oh, really? Where is it?" "Our next-door neighbor has it. Last night, I saw her washing Daddy's face with it!"

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Wednesday, March 13, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] March 14, 2013

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Sean Nichols of AGDInteractive has started a Kickstarter campaign through Himalaya Studios to create a new role-playing/adventure game hybrid in the vein of Quest for Glory called Mage's Initiation. While he doesn't need your help funding the project (they're well over their goal with a week to go), I thought you might want to get in on some of their cool pledge tiers. Check it out here:

http://kck.st/mages

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

How can we be sure that Jesus was Jewish? He lived at home until he was thirty; he went into his father's business; his mother thought he was god; and he thought his mother was a virgin!

Emerging from a chiropractic treatment, a man announced to the crowded waiting room, "I feel like a new man!" A middle-aged woman responded, "Me, too, but I'll probably go home with the same old one!"

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Joke For All

Sunday, March 31, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] April 1, 2013

Friday, March 29, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] March 29, 2013

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] March 28, 2013

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] March 27, 2013

Monday, March 25, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] March 26, 2013

Sunday, March 24, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] March 25, 2013

Friday, March 22, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] March 22, 2013

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] March 21, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] March 20, 2013

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] March 19, 2013

Sunday, March 17, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] March 18, 2013

Friday, March 15, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] March 15, 2013

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] March 14, 2013

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