[cyberjoke3000] January 1, 2014

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Happy New Year! 

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The jail guard was checking cells when he saw a blond prisoner hanging by his feet. "What are you doing?" "Hanging myself," said the blond. "You dumb blond! You hang yourself by your neck, not by your feet!" The blond said, "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe!"

 

A mother, holding the condom she found in her daughter's room, confronted her and demanded an explanation. The girl said, "What do you want me to do, Mom? Get pregnant?!"  

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[cyberjoke3000] December 31, 2013

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Gary Orndorff sends along Chuck Norris's Christmas response to Jean Claude VanDamme's split between the two trucks driving backwards. First, VanDamme's original:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M7FIvfx5J10

But never count out Chuck Norris:

http://www.wimp.com/christmassplits 

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Why do Asian women have small breasts? Because, growing up, only A's were acceptable!

 

After a workout at the gym, two guys were dressing in the locker room when one put on some women's panties. "Matt, when in the hell did you start wearing panties?" Matt answered, "Right after my wife found 'em in my glove compartment!" 

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[cyberjoke3000] December 30, 2013

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Great news! You have 360 shopping days left until Christmas! Plenty of time for some sight gags.
http://www.allowe.com/humor/sight-gags.html?PicNumber=4121

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A blond man lost his dog. His wife suggested they post an ad on Craig's List. A week later, the dog was still missing. His wife asked, "Exactly what did your ad say?" He replied, "Here, boy!"

 

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? "See you next month!" 

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[cyberjoke3000] December 27, 2013

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Lowell Wall sends along this news story of the woman who granted her family a Christmas wish -- two years after her own death.
http://abcn.ws/1hHAG9L 

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

His blonde date asked from the shower, "Do you have any other shampoo?" "Why? What's wrong?" "This bottle says it's for dry hair and mine's already wet!"

 

Charles took his out-of-town buddy Clyde for a walk around the big city. Clyde noticed an attractive woman and asked Charles if he knew her. "Sure. That's Jacqueline; she's a hundred dollars an hour." Later, Clyde spotted an even more stunning woman and asked Charles if he knew her. "Sure. That's Rosalynn; she gets two hundred an hour." This went on and on until finally Clyde remarked, "Dammit, Charlie, aren't there any respectable women in this town?" "Sure, Clyde, but you can't afford them either!" 

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[cyberjoke3000] December 26, 2013

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

GOG is having a sale: the latest Leisure Suit Larry: Reloaded is under ten bucks. It makes a perfect gift for those you missed yesterday!

http://www.gog.com/game/leisure_suit_larry_reloaded 

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

When a mime dies, do other mimes observe a moment of talking?

 

A curvaceous midshipwoman at the US Naval Academy was inspecting the troops when she noticed one man had an obvious erection. She barked, "And what do you call that trouser bulge, Mister?" The sailor stared straight ahead. "I'd call it a one-gun salute, Ma'am." 

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[cyberjoke3000] December 25, 2013

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Merry Christmas! I hope you enjoy this brilliant flash mob performance at the U.S. Air and Space Museum by the USAF Band, Strings, and Chorus:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gIoSga7tZPg 

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Christmas has been cancelled! Santa died laughing when I told him you'd been good this year!

What goes "Ho, ho, ho, bonk?" Santa Claus having sex! 

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[cyberjoke3000] December 24, 2013

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

For Christmas Eve, I want to share my personal favorite Christmas song, Jack Sheldon's "A Jazz Musician's Christmas."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PFaVTyp9RhE 

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Santa has the right idea: drop in on people only once a year!

How do reindeer celebrate Christmas? They go down to the Elks and blow a few bucks!

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[cyberjoke3000] December 23, 2013

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Even if you haven’t finished your Christmas shopping, you’ve got time for a few sight gags!
http://www.allowe.com/humor/sight-gags.html?PicNumber=4111

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Henny Youngman said: "I saw a sign in a big department store that read, 'Five Santas -- No Waiting'!"

A married man told Santa Claus that all he wanted for Christmas was for his wife to be interested in sex again. He was surprised to find on Christmas morning, sure enough, Santa had left a bottle of pills in his stocking. He slipped one pill into his wife's Christmas dinner and that night, they made love for an hour. He was thrilled! The next day, he put two pills in her food. That night, they make love for two hours. He was so pleased that the next day he slipped her the rest of the bottle. Two weeks later, Santa got a phone call. The man said, "Santa, you've gotta help me. I can't walk, the UPS man won't deliver here any more, and my wife's camped outside in the bushes, waiting for the mailman!"

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[cyberjoke3000] December 20, 2013

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Many Calvin & Hobbes comic strips have dealt with Calvin's skills at building artistic snowmen. This webpage has collected many of them. Very funny!

http://www.chase3000.com/userpages/calvinhobbes

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

John asked his wife, what she wanted for Christmas. She replied, "I don't know; just surprise me." John shook his head, but thought, "Well, she knows what she likes." Later, when she came into the living room, he jumped up from behind the sofa and screamed, "Boo!"

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a new job the next day! 

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[cyberjoke3000] December 19, 2013

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Here's a different Christmas song for you, thanks to J'Anne: "Walking 'Round in Women's Underwear," by Bob Rivers.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wn6HI5JQBhQ

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

What do you call a reindeer wearing earmuffs? Anything you want ...he can't hear you!

Ted brought three slutty-looking women to the office Christmas party. His buddy asked, "What's up with the tramps, Ted?" Ted replied, "I'm just keeping with the spirit of the season. You know: ho, ho, ho!" 

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[cyberjoke3000] December 18, 2013

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Thanks for the new Christmas jokes! I now have enough to begin today and go until Christmas eve!

CyberJokester Bob Yetter sends along a holiday greeting: it's the cast of Star Trek performing the Christmas classic: "Make it so, Make it so, Make it so."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RrG4JnrN5GA

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A brunette was confused when she received a Christmas card from her blonde friend that read, "Happy ABCDEFGHIJK MNOPQRSTUVWXYZ!" She called her blonde friend and  asked, "What's with your weird card? That's not how to spell Christmas." The blonde replied, "Oh, I know, silly. I wished you the other one, 'No L'!"

I bought a Christmas tree this afternoon and the guy asked me, "Will you be putting it up yourself?" I told him, "No, you sick bastard. It's going in the living room!" 

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[cyberjoke3000] December 17, 2013

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

These folks are either awesome or insane ...or both! It the annual "People are Awesome" video, 2013 edition.
http://www.wimp.com/arepeople

Thanks for the Christmas jokes you sent today but that’s not nearly enough! Why didn’t you send your favorite? Come on. 7,500+ CyberJokesters are counting on you!

Got a joke to share with me? Send it here. If you received this email from a friend, why not start your own free subscription? It's easy. See below.

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A customer was harassing the airline ticket agent, yelling and cursing, but the agent was courteous and polite, smiling as he verbally abused her. When he finally left, the next person in line asked, "Does that happen often? I can't believe how sweet you were." The agent smiled. "Oh, don't worry. I took good care of him. He's going to Detroit, but his bags are going to Bangkok!"

 

Jim was arrested for public masturbation. Surprisingly, he doesn't want a lawyer. He says he can get himself off!  

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I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.

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[cyberjoke3000] December 16, 2013

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

You are hereby ordered to send me new Christmas humor in exchange for the following fresh sight gags:
http://www.allowe.com/humor/sight-gags.html?PicNumber=4101
Seriously -- I've received almost no new Christmas jokes this year and there’s not many days left! Send them here.

Got a joke to share with me? Send it here. If you received this email from a friend, why not start your own free subscription? It's easy. See below.

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

I may have trust issues; I'm worried that some of you are still "it" from unfinished games of tag!

 

I'm old enough to remember when girls used to cook and sew like their mothers. Now they drink and curse like their fathers! 

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