Friday, August 29, 2014

[cyberjoke3000] August 29, 2014



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

A high school teacher asked Mac Lethal to make a rap that inspired her students and didn't include any profanity. He delivered. Here's Mac Lethal's "Life Advice Mozart Rap."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pXhUXAerur8

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A lady lost her handbag while shopping, but it was quickly found by an honest little boy who returned it to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "This is strange. When I lost my purse, there was a twenty-dollar bill in it. Now, there are four five-dollar bills." The boy replied, "Yep. The last time I found a purse, she didn't have enough change for a reward!"

 

A buddy and I were discussing former lovers. He said he once broke-up with a girl because she had an incurable speech impediment. I said, "I'm shocked. I've never known you to be prejudiced. What was her problem?" He said, "She couldn't say 'yes'!"  

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Wednesday, August 27, 2014

[cyberjoke3000] August 28, 2014



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Did you know a chicken farmer, a pair of princesses, and 27 imaginary spies helped the Allies win World War II? Read about the most amazing lie ever!

http://mentalfloss.com/article/58468/most-amazing-lie-history

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Mr. Jacobson played hooky from the pressures of his job and went skiing. But no sooner did he reach the slopes than he heard an ominous rumbling: avalanche! He jumped into a cave just before it was engulfed by snow. He used his lighter to start a fire and soon was cozy and warm in his snow cave. Hours later, a rescue team saw smoke curling from the cave and investigated. One rescuer yelled, "Anyone in there? It's the Red Cross." Jacobson yelled back, "Shove off. I gave at the office!"

 

"I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women." "Yeah? What happened?" "I got my dick stuck in the neck of the bottle!" 

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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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[cyberjoke3000] August 27, 2014



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

"Whysk Is Changing The Way We Get Around." It's free, horrifying and ...totally fake. And funny!
http://bit.ly/1ukopyb

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Rueben, not the brightest bulb in the box, slowly read the headline in the local newspaper: "Man Wanted for Robbery in California." "Gosh," he said, "if only that job was here in Georgia, I'd apply fer it!"

 

The teacher was giving a spelling lesson. "Repeat the word I give you, spell it, and use it in a sentence. The first word is 'ear'." Little Johnny's hand shot up. "Ear. E, A, R, ear." He then pretended to take a hit off a joint, hold it and, while his lungs were full, passed the joint to Little Suzi and said, "'Ear!" 

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Monday, August 25, 2014

[cyberjoke3000] August 26, 2014



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

With 7 billion people in the world, how many millions are listening to Spotify at any one time? And of those, how many click on the same song at the same time? Kyle MacDonald created this webpage to show you not only the song but the location of those listening!
https://www.spotify.com/us/arts/serendipity

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A man was grocery shopping with his son. He checked something off his list, shook his head, and then whispered conspiratorially, "You know, if we really mess this up, maybe she won't make us do it again!"

 

As he set the middle-aged farmhand's broken leg, the doctor asked how it happened. "Well, doc, lemme tell ya. Twenty-five years ago, when I first started workin' the farm, one night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful young daughter came into my room and asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said, 'No, everything's fine' and she said, 'Are you sure?' and I said, 'I'm sure' and she said, 'Isn't there something I can do for you?' and I said, 'I reckon not" and she..." "Excuse me," said the doctor. "Exactly what does this have to do with your broken leg?" The farmhand explained, "Well, this morning, when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the barn roof!" 

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[cyberjoke3000] August 25, 2014



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

One full week of summer left. Let’s celebrate!
http://www.allowe.com/humor/sight-gags.html?PicNumber=4461 

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The doctor finished his examination and said, "I can't seem to find the problem, but I think it has something to do with alcohol." The patient shook his head. "Well, then, I'm gonna come back when you're sober!"

 

It was the first day of first grade and one sweet young girl bumped her elbow. She softly swore, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher corrected her, "Honey, we don't say that here at school." The little girl looked surprised. "Really? Not even when you f*¢k up?" 

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I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Thursday, August 21, 2014

[cyberjoke3000] August 22, 2014



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

If you're a coach, the next time your team loses a big game, I hope you can come close to the encouragement and love this Little League coach gave his team this week. Kids lose, but this man knows exactly what to say:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L39UEmescNA 

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Three medical professionals stood before the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter ordered each to state their profession and something good they did with their life. The doctor said, "I devoted my life to the sick and needy." Saint Peter said, "You may enter Heaven." The nurse said, "I supported the doctors and their patients." Saint Peter said, "You may enter Heaven." The third person said, "I ran an enormous HMO and was responsible for the health care of millions of people." Saint Peter said, "You may enter Heaven -- but you can only stay two nights!"

 

The boss called Smith into his office. "It has not escaped my attention, Mr. Smith, that every time there's a home football game, you have to take your aunt to the doctor." Smith acted shocked. "You're right! You don't suppose she's faking, do you?" 

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I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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[cyberjoke3000] August 21, 2014



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Dick Paul sends along this video of a job that's surely not for acrophobes. Here’s a worker's point of view from high atop Christ the Redeemer above Rio.
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=VxlKZereog0

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The new elementary school counselor was eager to help her pupils in any way possible so, when she noticed a girl standing all alone during recess while the other children played soccer far away, she asked the girl if she was all right. "I'm fine, thank you." But the girl stayed in the same spot, all alone. "Would you like to be my friend?" The girl looked surprised, but said, "Okay." Finally making progress, she asked, "Why are you standing all alone, dear?" The exasperated girl said, "Because I'm the goalie!"

 

A married couple was in bed one cold winter night when he whispered to her, she nodded, and climbed out of bed. In a few minutes, she returned with her hair down, wearing a thin negligee. He took one look and said, "What the hell, woman? I said I wanted sox!" 

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I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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Tuesday, August 19, 2014

[cyberjoke3000] August 20, 2014



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Jen Bricker is a natural athlete, except for her legs: she has none. But she has grit, determination, and a life story that will bring chills to your spine.

http://bit.ly/1v2fim8 

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AL

Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The local bus driver gave his tourist passengers an extensive tour of the Scottish countryside. "On your left is where the Scottish pulverized the English." They drove a little farther. "On your right is where the Scottish massacred the English." Soon, "Now we're passing through the great battlefield where the Scottish whipped the English." A Brit on the bus had had enough. "My good fellow, didn't the English win any battles around here?" The driver said, "Not when I'm driving the bus!"

 

"Darling, do I please you in bed?" "Of course! I love that trick you do with your mouth." "What trick?" "The one where you shut up so I can go to sleep!"

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I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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Monday, August 18, 2014

[cyberjoke3000] August 19, 2014



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Jyrki Parviainen sends along this video that will convince you to use sunscreen: it's merely a look at how your skin looks to ultraviolet rays. Brilliant!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o9BqrSAHbTc 

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A college boy was fishing with his grandfather when the old man complained how the times have changed. The grandson mentioned the various diseases going around and then asked, "Grandpa, did you have trouble with diseases when you were young?" "Nope." "What did you use for safe sex?" "A wedding ring!"

 

At dinner one evening, a husband took his wife's hand and said, "Beth, we've been married thirty years and I simply must know: in all these years, have you ever been unfaithful?" Beth replied, "Well, Charles, to be honest: yes, I have been unfaithful to you. Three times. But always for a good reason." Charles was hurt. "What 'good reasons'?" "The first time was soon after we married when we couldn't pay the mortgage. Remember that evening when I went to see the banker? And the next day he agreed to extend our loan?" Charles nodded. "I can forgive you for that; you saved our home! But what about the others?" "Remember we didn't have the money to pay for that heart surgery you needed? Well, I called on your doctor and he did the surgery for free."  "Yes. You saved my life! Of course I forgive you. But what was the third time?" Beth sighed. "Remember when you wanted to be president of your golf club and you only needed 93 more votes?" 

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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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Sunday, August 17, 2014

[cyberjoke3000] August 18, 2014



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Why are you working this morning when all over Europe people are on vacation? Take it easy. Here you go: 
http://www.allowe.com/humor/sight-gags.html?PicNumber=4451

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

An Army general retired and bought a bird-hunting estate in South Dakota. He invited a buddy to a week of pheasant shooting. The friend was in awe of the general's bird dog, Sarge. That dog could point, flush and retrieve with the very best. The friend offered to buy the dog, at any price, but the general declined, saying Sarge was the best bird dog he had ever seen and he wouldn't part with him at any price. A year later, when the same friend returned for another hunt, he was surprised to find the general had a new dog. "What happened to ol' Sarge?" he asked. The general grumbled, "I had to shoot him. A friend went hunting with me and couldn't remember Sarge's name, so he kept calling him 'Colonel.' And after that, all he'd do was sit on his a$s and bark!"

 

Sex is not the answer; sex is the question. Yes is the answer! 

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I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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Friday, August 15, 2014

[cyberjoke3000] August 15, 2014



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Jean Melvin sends along these phenomenal photographs of insects covered with dew, shot by an amateur Polish hobbyist.
http://dailym.ai/VOvpIk 

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A dog ran into a meat market, grabbed a string of sausages, and ran back out. The butcher recognized the dog as belonging to one of his regular customers, a lawyer. That afternoon he went to the lawyer's office and asked, "If a dog steals meat from my store, do I have the right to demand payment from its owner?" The lawyer replied, "Of course." The butcher said, "Then you owe me $27 for the sausages your dog stole." The lawyer sighed and wrote out a check. The next week, the butcher got a bill from the lawyer for $500!

 

I wasn't aware of it, but evidently I have an amazing butt. Yesterday, as I walked away after a short conversation with some female co-workers, I overheard one say, "What an a$s!" 

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I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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