Joke For All: 2009

Thursday, December 31, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] January 1, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Happy New Year!

Be glad your New Year's Day isn't like that of the 2009 Darwin Award winners!
http://www.darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2009.html

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Waiting in line at the ATM last week, the elderly lady in front of me asked me, "Would you help me check my balance?" So I pushed her!

A programmer compiled an array of reasons as to why he can't find a girlfriend with a good on her, reason 0 being that he has limited cache. So he searched his memory to recall connecting to the TCP/IP tunnel of his last girlfriend -- sometimes even without a secure socket. She used to complain about his lack of comments. He fumed, "I hate commenting!" Realizing it was a program requirement, he told her she had nice bits. This resulted in a Syntax Error. Now she demanded a massage, but this was rejected as "Feature Creep." He smacked her back end and shouted, "Who's your parent node?!" He scanned for open ports. He attempted to install a backdoor worm, but her response was 403. While his data uploaded into her input device, she considered terminating the process. But instead, she initiated a Do While loop where she recalled a previous boyfriend with a larger pointer. To expedite the routine, she screamed, "Hack into my system! Hack deep into my system! You're 1337, baby!" This caused his stack to overflow and he shot his GUI on her interface.

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Wednesday, December 30, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] December 31, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

I started to send out the 2009 Darwin Award "winners" and realized that I have yet to send out the 2008 list! So...here they are:
http://www.darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2008.html
And tomorrow: the 2009 "winners."

Enjoy tonight's "blue moon." There won't be another one for many years.

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

How is God different from a doctor? God doesn't think he's a doctor!

What do old women have between their breasts that young women don't? Bellybuttons!

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Tuesday, December 29, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] December 30, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Lowell Wall sends along this fantastic photography of Laoen, a German photographer:
http://tinyurl.com/m6k7en

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm? A tattoo.

Why do they call the camel the "ship of the desert?" Because they're full of Arab semen!

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[cyberjoke3000] December 29, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

How about the final sight gags of the Naughts? Or Naughties? Or Ohs? Or Zeroes? It's a good thing this decade is almost over; no one has figured out what to call it in ten years!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2131

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The Sunday school teacher asked, "Do you think Noah did much fishing while he was on the ark?" Little Johnny responded, "How could he? He only had two worms!"

How is a hundred bucks like a blowjob? Both are great but never last long enough!

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Sunday, December 27, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] December 28, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

How about one more piece of Christmas humor? Here's a great poem from a funny guy, Jeff Foxworthy.

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The Night After Christmas

By Jeff Foxworthy

'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer,

The beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler.

The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys,

And I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.

The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife,

The worst Christmas, they said, they had had in their lives.

My wife couldn't argue and neither could I,

So I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.

When out in the yard the dog started barkin',

I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin.

He yelled, "Roy, I am sworn to uphold the laws

And I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus."

I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus,

And you ain't taking me in without probable cause."

Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night."

I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like?"

The Sheriff replied, "He's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly,

That shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly.

He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry."

I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister, Sherri."

"It's no time for jokes, Roy," the Sheriff, he said.

"The man I'm describing is dressed all in red.

I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean.

Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen."

Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell,

It wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent New Years in jail.

I said, Sheriff, it happened last night about ten,

And I thought that my wife had been drinking again.

When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost.

I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's.

But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head,

And stopped on the roof of our good neighbor, Red.

Well, I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder,

A freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter.

Well, my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun,

When outta Red's chimney this feller did run.

And slung on his back was this bag over flowin';

I thought he'd stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'.

So I yelled, "Drop, fat boy! Hands in the air!"

But he went about his business like he hadn't a care.

So I popped a warning shot over his head.

Well, he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled

And, as he flew off, I heard him extort,

"That's assault with intent, Roy. I'll see ya in court!"

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Thursday, December 24, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] December 25, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Merry Christmas to you and yours!

Here's the true story of the classic Christmas song, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. I had no idea:
http://www.snopes.com/holidays/christmas/rudolph.asp

And, in case you haven't had enough Christmas music already, here's a song that will fix that. Here's a "power ballad" version of Oh Holy Night sung by the worst singer on record, so bad it's great:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mk4woNRD7NQ

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Health Safety and Equality
Considerations for Christmas Songs

Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow

In a one horse open sleigh,

O'er the fields we go,

Laughing all the way.

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public on which to travel. The risk assessment must consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Note: permission must be gained from landowners before entering any fields considered private property. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, request that laughter remain at moderate levels so as not to be considered noise pollution.

While Shepherds Watched

While shepherds watched

Their flocks by night,

All seated on the ground,

The angel of the Lord came down

And glory shone around.

The Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopedic chairs must be made available. The Union also requests that, due to inclement weather conditions during the Christmas season, they should watch their flocks via closed-circuit television cameras inside centrally-heated observation huts.

Remind the angel of the lord that, before shining his or her glory all around she or he must ascertain that each shepherd has been issued safety glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UV-A, UV-B and glory.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer

Had a very shiny nose

And if you ever saw him,

You would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities Act, it is inappropriate to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R. Reindeer from any organized reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken. A full investigation will be authorized and implemented, and sanctions — including suspension on full pay — will be considered while the investigation takes place.

Little Donkey

Little donkey on the dusty road,

Got to keep on plodding

Onwards with your precious load.

The APCA has strict guidelines regarding how heavy a load donkeys of small stature are permitted to carry. Additional guidelines must be followed with regard to how often the donkey is fed and how many rest breaks are given over any four-hour period of plodding. Note: due to the increased risk of dust pollution from primitive roads, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent particle inhalation. The donkey has expressed discomfort at being labeled "little" and would prefer to be referred to as "Mr. Donkey." Comments upon his height, or lack thereof, may be considered infringement of his equine rights.

We Three Kings of Orient Are

We three kings of Orient are

Bearing gifts we traverse afar.

Field and fountain, moor and mountain,

Following yonder star.

Whilst gifts of gold are still considered acceptable as it may be redeemed at a later date, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are inappropriate due to the potential risk of allergic reactions from oils and fragrances. A suggested gift alternative would be donations to worthy causes in the recipient's name or a gift card from a local business.

Traversing kings should be discouraged from relying on navigation by stars. Use of a suitable GPS navigation device to provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption is recommended. Per the previous guidelines for Mr. Donkey, camels carrying three kings also require regular food, water, and rest breaks. If the camel's hooves create dust, facemasks are advised.

Away in a Manger

Away in a manger,

No crib for a bed,

Social Services will visit and may remove any child to a place of safety pending further action against parents or other persons who may be found guilty of neglect by not providing adequate bedding and shelter for a child in their care. After a formal case study has been carried out and fully discussed with the appropriate Social Services Committee, criminal proceedings may be instituted.

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Wednesday, December 23, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] December 24, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Jesse Linden sends along this web site which tracks Santa's progress tonight using Google Maps, with a little gift box at each stop.
http://www.noradsanta.org/en/index.html

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

'Twas the Internet Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,

There were hackers a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.

The emails were stacked by the modem with care,

In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,

While visions of Javascript danced in their dreams.

My wife on the sofa, and me with a snack,

Had just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).

When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,

I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.

To a new page my ol' Mac flew like a flash,

Then made a slight gurgle and started to crash.

I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,

Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,

My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.

When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,

I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!

More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,

Then Nick glanced at my screen and Mac called them by name:

"Now Compaq! Now Acer!" my speaker did reel.

"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal.

"Jump on the circuits! And into the chip!

Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing rip!"

The screen gave a flicker, he was into my RAM,

Then into my room came a full hologram!

He was dressed all in red, from his head to his shoes,

Which were black (with white socks he really should lose).

He pulled out some discs he had stored in his pack.

He looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!

His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!

This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!

With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,

Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word. Gave my Mac a quick poke,

And accessed my hard drive with only a stroke.

He defragged my hard drive and added a DIMM,

And threw in some cool games, just on a whim!

He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!

He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!

He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,

Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!

My eyes widened a bit at the work of this gnome,

As he instantly added a new version of Chrome.

The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,

St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.

Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,

Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!

He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,Back into the net with barely a blink.

But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,

"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"

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[cyberjoke3000] December 23, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Fluffy sends along this free set of platforming puzzle games with sliding tiles. Try a few; they're addictive.
http://www.continuitygame.com/

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Holiday Downsizing

To: All Employees

From: Management

Date: December 23, 2009

Subject: Holiday Downsizing

Seasons Greetings:

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.

I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

The three French hens will remain intact. (After all, everyone loves the French.)

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

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Monday, December 21, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] December 22, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Are you a fan of the TV series "24?" If so, watch Jack Bauer interrogate Santa Claus:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X6yUCbqAGrg

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Wife to husband: "This Christmas, let's give each other sensible gifts... like ties and fur coats."

Sarah fought a lot with her older sister, Megan, this year. Sarah's parents, trying to take advantage of her newfound interest in Santa Claus, reminded the two-year-old that Santa was watching her and doesn't like when children fight. This made little impact. "I guess I'll have to tell Santa about your behavior," mother said, picking up the phone and dialing. Sarah's eyes grew big as her mother described her actions to Santa (actually Sarah's uncle). She paused and then looked at Sarah. "Honey, Santa wants to talk to you." Sarah reluctantly took the phone. Santa's deep voice explained how there would be no presents for children who fought with their sisters. "I'll be watching you, Sarah. And I expect things to be better from now on." Sarah nodded solemnly and silently hung the phone up. After a long pause, Mom asked, "What did Santa say?" Sarah whispered, "He said this year he won't give any toys to Megan!"

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Sunday, December 20, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] December 21, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Here's a little early Christmas present for you: new Sight Gags!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2121

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The Three Stages of a Man's Life: 1–Believes in Santa Claus. 2–Doesn't believe in Santa Claus. 3–Looks like Santa Claus.

Feel Free to Replace Your Bad Team With Ours: What do you call 47 millionaires watching the Super Bowl on TV? The Seattle Seahawks. What do the Seahawks have in common with Billy Graham? They can both make 50,000 people stand up and scream, "Jeez-us Christ!" How do you keep a Seattle Seahawk out of your yard? Paint it like an end zone. What do you call a Seattle Seahawk with a Super Bowl ring? A thief. What's the difference between the Seattle Seahawks and a dollar bill? You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill!

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Thursday, December 17, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] December 18, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Jan Spitzley sends along this wonderfully ironic site, "Rad Dudes," showing guys who only think they're cool!
http://www.rad-dudes.com/

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The Sunday School teacher described how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt. Little Johnny interrupted with, "Once Mommy looked back while she was driving and she turned into a telephone pole!"

A man tried to sneak into his house early one morning, only to be confronted by his wife at the front door. "Where have you been, Superman? It's 6 AM!" "My love, remember I told you I had a meeting with those important Japanese clients?" "Well, Superman, how late was your meeting? 9 PM? 11 PM? It's 6 in the morning!" "Ah, darling, we had to take them out for drinks." "All right, Superman, you went drinking at 11, but the bars close at 2. Where have you been?" "Afterwards, everyone was hungry because we skipped dinner, so we found an all night restaurant and got something to eat." "You ate for four hours? It's 6 AM!" "Are you serious?! They came halfway around the world. We wanted to show them a good time. And then I headed straight home, but there was an accident that blocked traffic so it took me three hours to get here." "Superman, you are so busted!" "Why do you keep calling me, 'Superman'?" "Because you're wearing your underwear over your pants!"

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Wednesday, December 16, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] December 17, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Here's a very short video showing an owl landing like you've never seen it before: 1,000 frames-per-second at 1920x1080 resolution. Take 15 seconds and watch this:
http://www.flixxy.com/eagle-owl-in-flight.htm

I understand that yesterday's link was broken. Here's the correct one:
http://marsparticipate.jpl.nasa.gov/msl/participate/sendyourname/

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A man stood on the bathroom scales, sucking in his stomach. Thinking this maneuver was his attempt to weigh less, his wife quipped, "I don't think that's gonna help, dear." "Sure it does," he replied. "Otherwise I can't see the damned numbers!"

What's the difference between Don Juan and K.D. Lang? One snatches kisses...

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Tuesday, December 15, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] December 16, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Want to go to Mars? Well, odds are you won't, but you can send your name embedded in a microchip on the Science Laboratory Rover, heading to Mars in 2011.
http://mars9.jpl.nasa.gov/msl/participate/sendyourname/index.cfm

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

When Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he was going to upgrade to Windows 7, he replied, "I still love Vista, baby!"

What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? Santa Claus knows to stop after 3 ho's!

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Monday, December 14, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] December 15, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Mikko Tuomela sends along this hilarious article from BBspot: "EA Acquires Sierra Entertainment, Merges Tiger Woods and Leisure Suit Larry Franchises"
http://tinyurl.com/ydeexpf
And then EA (who evidently can't recognize humor when it's right on their monitor!), responded with this cease and desist order:
http://tinyurl.com/ydfgaj8

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Tiger Woods's wife didn't care for his last drive, so she went after his Caddie with a five iron!

A man saw a woman flailing about in a lake's deep water. Unable to swim, he cried for help. A nearby fisherman ran over. The man gasped, "My wife is drowning out there and I can't swim. If you can save her, I'll pay you a hundred dollars." The fisherman dove in, quickly swam to the woman, and brought her safely back to shore. The man started to thank him but then stopped. "Look, buddy, I thought this was my wife but it's really my mother-in-law." The fisherman pulled out his wallet and said, "Great. Just my luck. So how much do I owe you?"

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Thursday, December 31, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] January 1, 2010

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] December 31, 2009

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] December 30, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] December 29, 2009

Sunday, December 27, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] December 28, 2009

Thursday, December 24, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] December 25, 2009

Health Safety and Equality
Considerations for Christmas Songs

Jingle Bells

While Shepherds Watched

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Little Donkey

We Three Kings of Orient Are

Away in a Manger

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] December 24, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] December 23, 2009

Monday, December 21, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] December 22, 2009

Sunday, December 20, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] December 21, 2009

Thursday, December 17, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] December 18, 2009

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] December 17, 2009

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] December 16, 2009

Monday, December 14, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] December 15, 2009

Followers

Blog Archive

Thursday, December 31, 2009

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Health Safety and Equality Considerations for Christmas Songs

Jingle Bells

While Shepherds Watched

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Little Donkey

We Three Kings of Orient Are

Away in a Manger

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Monday, December 21, 2009

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Monday, December 14, 2009

Followers

Blog Archive

Health Safety and Equality
Considerations for Christmas Songs