[cyberjoke3000] July 30, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Ever forget your corkscrew? Here's how to remove a cork without one:
http://www.flixxy.com/how-to-open-wine-bottle-with-shoe.htm

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian!

In a small Texas town, the police arrested the local madam and seized her little black book, which listed all her girls. Each officer on the small police force was assigned a group of names and ordered to check them out. After a week, the chief held a meeting. When he called on Detective Summers, Summers replied, "Chief, I'm sorry but I'm gonna have to disqualify myself. One of the ladies I questioned is an eighty-four-year-old so charming that I've fallen in love with her." "Tarnation, boy!" exclaimed the chief. "I'm surprised at you, Summers. You've been a policeman almost all your life -- and here you go, falling for the oldest trick in the book!"

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[cyberjoke3000] July 28, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Zadir sends along OldiesTelevision, with video clips from some of the top old TV shows. 80+ "channels" of TV's greatest hits:
http://oldiestelevision.com/

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Saint Peter was arguing with Satan about baseball when Satan proposed a game, "Let's play on neutral ground; your best players against mine." Saint Peter agreed but added, "You do realize that I have all the best players and coaches?" Satan grinned. "Maybe so, but I've got all the umpires!"

A family was having dinner when the elder son piped up, "You may as well know it: I'm homosexual." His other son chimed in, "Me, too." The father looked at them sternly. "Doesn't anybody like girls anymore?" His daughter smiled. "Me!"

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[cyberjoke3000] July 27, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Henry Jun Wah Lee shot some gorgeous time lapse videos of Yosemite National Park. Here's two minutes of true beauty:
http://bit.ly/ai6c5R

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

An American cat named One Two Three entered a swimming race against a French cat named Un Deux Trois. Which cat won? The American, of course, because Un Deux Trois quatre cinq!

Did you hear about the woman who wanted to join the yacht club but couldn't, because she didn't own a yacht? She joined the country club instead.

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[cyberjoke3000] July 26, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Summer finally got to Seattle this weekend. 80°! Woohoo! I began to think that we would never turn off the furnace. If you're sweltering like nearly everyone else, here are some sight gags to cool you down.
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2431

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Never ignore a panhandler who asks you for a dollar for a cup of coffee. Instead, give him a dollar and then follow him to learn who still sells coffee for a dollar!

After an enjoyable eighteen holes, Jim stopped at the clubhouse for a beer before heading home. He struck up a conversation with a ravishing young beauty. They had a couple of drinks, liked each other, and soon she invited him over to her apartment. For hours, they made mad, passionate love. On the way home, Jim's conscience was bothering him, so he decided to be honest with his wife. When he got home, he told her, "Dear, I have a confession. After I played golf this morning, I stopped in the clubhouse for a beer, met a beautiful young lady, went to her apartment, and made love to her for hours. I'm sorry. It won't ever happen again. I hope you'll forgive me." His wife didn't even look up, but just scowled and said, "You lying bastard! You played thirty-six holes again, didn't you?!"

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[cyberjoke3000] July 23, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Want to make a wall-sized poster from a photo you took? Just upload your image to this site and choose how many sheets wide you want it. It makes a PDF file for you to download. Then you just print it and tape it together.
http://www.blockposters.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

It was the salesman's first day on the job selling laundry detergent door-to-door. At the first house, the door was answered by a cute young housewife. "Allow me to demonstrate New Blue Cheer, madam. Loan me your dirtiest article of clothing." She returned moments later with a filthy dishrag. "Here's all you do," he says, demonstrating. "Dip, dip, dip in New Blue Cheer, run it under your nose and it smells clean and clear!" She was amazed, and his first attempt was a success. At the next house, a haggard old fat woman answered his ring. "Allow me to demonstrate New Blue Cheer, madam. Loan me your dirtiest article of clothing." She reached under her dress, removed her filthy panties, and handed them to him. He shuddered but continued, "Now here's all you do: Dip, dip, dip in New Blue Cheer, run it under your nose and... Dip, dip, dip in New Blue Cheer..."

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[cyberjoke3000] July 22, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Wondering when you're going to buy that 3D TV? You'll want to read this post about strabismus, an abnormal alignment of the eyes in which the eyes don't focus on the same object and depth perception is compromised, especially in children under age 7:
http://bit.ly/9TkIQ3

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A banker fell overboard. His friends searched the whole boat, but couldn't find a life preserver. They yelled to him, "Can you float alone?"

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

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[cyberjoke3000] July 21, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Larry Houston Richards sends along this tip: did you know those annoying, voice-recognition phone systems recognize profanity and immediately send you to a live operator? Even sound-alike phrases work. Say "What the luck" and "kiss my bass" angrily and you'll quickly get an operator. I can't wait to try this!

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

How can you tell if your roommate is gay? His d¡ck tastes like sh¡t!

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[cyberjoke3000] July 20, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Gary Orndorff (and others) sent along this video that's bound to make you smile. ImprovEverywhere has done it again. Watch "Star Wars on a Subway Car":
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5gCeWEGiQI
and also, don't miss "Ghostbusters in the NY Public Library":
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wKB7zfopiUA

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Living in a vacuum sucks.

Why did the condom fly across the room? It was p¡ssed off!

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[cyberjoke3000] July 19, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Bloody Mary? Hair of the dog? Nope. Sight gags!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2421

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Actual Web Sites: (What were they thinking?) Experts Exchange, where programmers trade advice, chose the URL: www.expertsexchange.com. La Drape, a British company selling high-end quilted bedspreads: www.ladrape.co.uk. American Scrap Metal, a scrap metal recycling firm: www.angelfire.com/alt/americanscrapmetal. Speed of Art, an art designers' collective: www.speedofart.com. Therapist Finder, a directory for therapy services: www.therapistfinder.com. Les Bocages, a British firm of tree surgeons working in France used the French word for groves: www.lesbocages.com. Pen Island, a site for custom made pens: www.penisland.net. Big Al's Bowling Alley in Vancouver: www.ilovebigals.com.

What's the definition of 77? It's like 69, except you get ate more!

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[cyberjoke3000] July 16, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Here's an outstanding two-part video showing F-18 carrier operations aboard the USS Nimitz during weather that causes a severely pitching deck. It's dangerous and the tension in the pilots and crew is apparent.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4gGMI8d3vLs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S0yj70QbBzg

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

My girlfriend is always late. Her ancestors arrived in America on the Juneflower.

"Do you smoke after sex?" "I don't know; I never looked."

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[cyberjoke3000] July 15, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Answering the old question about the infinite number of monkeys, Google's StreetView car has taken enough photographs to include some truly bizarre sights. Here are just a few:
http://bit.ly/cNtf8a

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Definition of a Hangover: The wrath of grapes.

The doctor finished examining the teenage girl and asked to speak to the mother privately. "I'm afraid your daughter has a venereal disease." "Oh, dear," said the mother. "Could she have caught it in a public restroom?" "Possibly," said the doctor, "but it would have been highly uncomfortable!"

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[cyberjoke3000] July 14, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

I had no idea when I posted Monday's sight gag showing the check to Verizon that it was an Internet phenomonon! George Vaccaro asked Verizon how much they charged per kilobyte of Internet access; they said ".002 cents" but then charged him ".002 dollars". And no one at Verizon could understand the difference! Read the interesting transcript and/or hear the actual phone call here:
http://www.verizonmath.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A Scotsman, heading out to the pub, turned to his wife and said, "Margaret, put on your hat and coat, lassie." She replied, "Aw, Jock, that's nice. Are yee taking me to the pub with yee?" "Nah," Jock replied, "I'm switching the heat off while I'm gone!"

When a guy is sexting, does he get a phoner?

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[cyberjoke3000] July 13, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Am I the only one who hates sitting on hold? LucyPhone will call you first, then connect you to the company you want to call. Go through phonetree hell like normal. When they put you on hold, press ** and your phone will be disconnected, but Lucy will stay on the line. When a live agent answers, Lucy will call you back and connect you both. Get put on hold again? Press ** again! What's not to love?
http://www.lucyphone.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is a form of floor play.

A man ordered a drink for the beautiful woman at the bar and asked, "Haven't I seen you somewhere before?" "Yes," she replied. "I'm the receptionist at the free clinic!"

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[cyberjoke3000] July 12, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Summer has finally arrived in Seattle. It's sunny and warm, a total break from running our furnace July 4th! Speaking of total breaks, here's yours for yet another Monday morning:
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2411

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

How is Microsoft like a halter top? Both offer little support!

A man went out with his buddies for a night on the town, ending up in a house of ill repute. A week later, he was at his doctor's office, complaining about the large green lump on the end of his pen¡s. After a thorough exam, the doctor consulted a large book, flicking through it until he finally looked up. "I'm afraid this is quite serious. You know how boxers get cauliflower ear?" "Yeah." The doctor concluded, "Well, it seems you've developed a brothel sprout!"

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[cyberjoke3000] July 9, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Phoenix Online Studios has finally prevailed in its own quest with Activision to release a new King's Quest game, "The Silver Lining." The fan-made project allows gamers to revisit familiar characters and lands inspired by Roberta Williams' beloved King's Quest series. Download it (for free!) here, starting tomorrow:
http://www.tsl-game.com
You can read more about it here:
http://bit.ly/d3AywH
And here's an interview with the project director on 1UP with some Episode 1 gameplay:
http://gamevideos.1up.com/video/id/30266

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The Bible study group's leader asked, "What would you do if you knew you only had a week left to live?" One man answered, "I'd minister the gospel to those who have not yet accepted the Lord." A lady said, "I'd dedicate my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my friends." A man volunteered, "I'd go to my mother-in-law's for the whole week." The class looked puzzled. "Really?" asked the leader. "Why would you go to your mother-in-law's?" The man said, "Because that would make it the longest week of my life!"

What kind of meat do priests eat on Friday? Nun!

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[cyberjoke3000] July 8, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Google Voice is finally open to everyone. Haven't heard about it yet? Check it out here:
http://googlevoiceblog.blogspot.com/2010/02/google-voice-explained.html

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Definition of a Shotgun Wedding: A case of wife or death.

How can you tell if you're having sex with a teacher or a nurse or an airline stewardess? The teacher says, "Keep doing this until you get it right." The nurse says, "Hold still; this won't hurt a bit." The stewardess says, "Put this over your nose and mouth and breathe normally!"

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[cyberjoke3000] July 7, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Now that you know that audio designers reuse the Wilhem Scream again and again, you may as well know that propmasters also reuse newspapers:
http://www.slashfilm.com/2010/06/04/lol-the-reoccurring-prop-newspaper

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Man is woman's best friend. He never stands her up and never lets her down. He reassures her when she's insecure and comforts her after a bad day. He inspires her to do things she never thought she could do, to live without fear and forget regret. He enables her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires. He makes her feel she's the most beautiful woman in the room and enables her to be confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. No, wait. That's wine!

A man stopped at a New Mexico bar for a drink and lit up a cigar. As he drank, he quietly blew some smoke rings. Soon, a local Indian approached him and angrily said, "Listen, pal, stop saying that about me or I'll kick your a$$!"

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[cyberjoke3000] July 6, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

The Wilhelm scream has been in scores of movies. Once you'll hear it, you'll notice it again and again. Here's a compilation of just a few:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cdbYsoEasio
And here's a history of the Wilhelm scream at Hollywood Lost and Found. The Wilhelm may have been recorded by Sheb Wooley, whom I remember for his #1 recording of "The Flying Purple People Eater," from 1958:
http://hollywoodlostandfound.net/wilhelm

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Dijon vu: The same mustard as before.

"Bob, how many other women have you slept with?" "Only you, Helen. With all the others, I was awake!"

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[cyberjoke3000] July 5, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Still hearing fireworks in your head? Ten new sight gags will fix that. Or maybe a cup of coffee?
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2401

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A man's home is his castle -- in a manor of speaking.

A couple decided to host a costume party, but not just any old costume would do: you had to come dressed as an emotion. The first couple to arrive came dressed all in blue. "You were supposed to dress up as an emotion; what emotion are you?" asked the host. "We're all in blue because we're sad." The second couple came dressed all in red. "And what emotion are you?" asked the hostess. "We're all in red because we're angry." The next guest was a single black man, naked except for a pear into which he had inserted his pen¡s. "What in the hell kind of costume is that?" cried the hosts. The black guy replied with a grin, "I'm deep in dis pear!"

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I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.

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