Joke For All: August 2010

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] September 1, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Confused about Net Neutrality? Never even heard of Net Neutrality? You should be afraid--afraid that corporate America is going to take away the Net as we know it...even though they say they won't. Read this excellent explanation by OK Go's singer Damian Kulash:
http://bit.ly/9t7wH1

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

After a college basketball game, the losing coach spotted a cell phone lying on the gym floor. He handed it to one of the referees, saying, "Here's your phone." The ref asked, "What makes you think it's mine?" The coach replied, "Easy. It says you missed 13 calls!"

What do you call a woman who can suck a golf ball through a garden hose? A lot of guys would call her, "Darlin'!"

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Monday, August 30, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] August 31, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

This week's sight gags are so good they were worth waiting an extra day!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2481
Did you try what it said with this gag?
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2489
Move away from your screen and it changes. My thanks to CyberJokester Lowell Wall.

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Next time the checker asks you, "Paper or Plastic?" just say, "Doesn't matter. I am bi-sacksual!"

Norm went to work at a sheering shed, but after a couple of weeks started feeling horny. He asked the stationmaster, "Mate, I'm horny and, this being me first time at a sheering shed, what do the fellas do around here for sex?" "Well," said the stationmaster, "Most of the blokes screw old Hung Chu the cook when there's no skirts around." Shocked, Norm said, "No way, mate! I ain't gonna do that!" and stormed off in a rage. But a couple of weeks later, Norm was desperate. He needed some human contact -- bad! So when the stationmaster wasn't busy, he asked, "Mate, I'm desperate. What was the name of that Chinaman?" "Hung Chu. Want me to bring him around for you?" "Yeah, but can you be cool about it? I don't want anyone else to know." The stationmaster replied, "Sure, just the five of us will know." "Five? What do you mean, five?" "Well, there's you, me, Hung Chu ...and the two blokes it takes to hold him down!"

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Sunday, August 29, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] August 30, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Russ Haag sends along AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com, a blog that is exactly that: hundreds of truly uncomfortable family portraits. It's funny!
http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Definition of "perfect pitch:" When you toss a vuvuzela and it breaks an accordion!

As Noah loaded every animal on the Ark, he announced, "There will be no sex on this trip! Each male must remove his pen¡s and turn it in over there. You'll get a receipt and, once we spot land, it will be returned." After a week, Mr. Rabbit was growing anxious. He told Mrs. Rabbit, "Climb up on my shoulders and look out the porthole. See if you can see any land out there yet!" She did but saw nothing. Another week passed and Mr. Rabbit asked her again. She looked, but could see no land. This went on for weeks until finally Mrs. Rabbit was fed up. "What's wrong with you? He told us it was going to rain for forty days and forty nights. And then, only after the water has drained off will we be able to see land. But do you want me to keep looking?" Mr. Rabbit grinned as he held up a piece of paper. "I got the horse's receipt!"

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Thursday, August 26, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] August 27, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Here's six minutes of super-slow motion photography that I bet you'll watch all the way until the end. Great high-speed camerawork!
http://www.flixxy.com/super-slow-motion.htm

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

If rockers listen to rock music, and indies listen to indie music, who listens to country music?

As young Suzie Murphy walked up the church stairs, the priest happened to notice she wasn't wearing any panties. He stopped her, handed her $10 and told her to use it to "buy some panties, Miss Murphy. You shouldn't walk around without underwear." Suzie went home, gave her mother the money, and asked, "Mom, would you buy me some underwear?" "Where did you get ten dollars?" asked Mother Murphy. After Suzie related her story, Mrs. Murphy rushed upstairs, removed her panties, put on her shortest skirt, and headed for church. She waited until she saw the priest and then climbed the stairs. The priest stopped her, gave her $5 and said, "Here, Mrs. Murphy. Buy yourself a razor!"

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Wednesday, August 25, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] August 26, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Solar Roadways proposes to pave roads with solar panels that you can drive on, intelligent pavement that generates power and pays for itself. Great idea; hope it's real.
http://www.flixxy.com/solar-highways.htm

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A Scottish grocer put a collection box on his counter with a small sign reading, "For the Blind." Charitable customers put in their change. When the box was full, he used the money to buy a new window blind!

Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven't seen each other since high school. They discovered each other on Facebook and arranged to meet for lunch. Rachel arrived first, wearing beige Versace, and ordered a bottle of chilled Chablis. Clare arrived soon thereafter, wearing gray Chanel. Samantha arrived last, wearing a faded Barbour anorak, blue jeans and Wellington boots. They all shared the Chablis. Rachel explained that, after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton with a major in Classical Literature, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York's leading law firms, they live in a 4,000 square foot co-op on Fifth Avenue, with a second home in the hills above Monte Carlo. Susanna, their daughter, attends drama school. Clare related that she graduated from Harvard Med and is now a Consulting Gynecologist. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker, they live in Southampton on Long Island, with a second home in Naples, Florida. Samantha explained that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ben, to grow their own vegetables and run a tropical bird park in California. Ben can stand five parrots side-by-side, on his willy. Halfway through their third bottle, Rachel finally blurted out her husband wasn't really Tim, his name is Tom and he's a cashier at Wal-Mart, and they live in a small Brooklyn condo. Clare, encouraged by Rachel's honesty, explained that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in Bellevue, they live in Jersey City and their last vacation was at a motel in Orlando. Samantha confessed that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

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Tuesday, August 24, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] August 25, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Keith Thompson sends along this totally geeky video which demonstrates the workings of various computer sort routines and why some are slower than others (and you know who you are, Mr. Bubble Sort!).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t8g-iYGHpEA

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

My girlfriend took a pregnancy test last night and the results were positive. When she showed it to me, I asked, "Shall we keep it?" She replied, "What's the point? You can only use them once!"

Little Johnny was in serious trouble, charged with having sex with his hot young schoolteacher. While the crime appeared highly improbable, state's evidence was overwhelming. In desperation, Johnny's female defense attorney went to the witness stand, pulled down Little Johnny's pants, and grabbed his tiny pen¡s for all to see. The lawyer cried, "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, surely you cannot believe that this tiny undeveloped organ is sexually mature?" Shaking with emotion, the attorney continued, "How could this miniature member possibly be capable of even an erection, let alone the rape of a grown woman!" "Careful, babe!" whispered Little Johnny. "Any more shaking and you're gonna lose your case!"

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Monday, August 23, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] August 24, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

In answer to my question of yesterday, coincidentally Car & Driver chimed in with an article about "The 10 Best Cars of the Aughties."
http://bit.ly/c1D2Ue
And many Australians weighed in today saying Aughties was common there. But Wikipedia seems to think Noughties:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aughties#Names_for_the_decade
I await the voice of the majority.

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A woman asked her husband, a programmer, "Dear, would you please go to the store and buy some bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen." He agreed. A few minutes later he was back, with twelve loaves of bread. The wife was flabbergasted! "Why on Earth did you buy a dozen loaves of bread?" He logically replied, "They had eggs."

Farmer John's son Ruben was none too bright. As Ruben matured, his dad urged him to stay away from "those smart gals and find yourself a dumb one." Ruben nodded agreement. Eventually Ruben got married and, after he returned from his honeymoon, Farmer John asked him, "Well, son, is your new wife as dumb as I told you?" "Dumb!" replied Ruben. "Paw, she's so dumb, on our wedding night, she put her pillow under her a$$ instead of her head!"

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[cyberjoke3000] August 23, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Why hasn't anyone named this decade? We had the 70s, the 80s, the 90s, and... then what? The "Oughts?" The "Naughts?" The "Zeros?" If you know, tell me. And while you're thinking about it, look at these sight gags:
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2471

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Little Johnny ran into the kitchen yelling, "Mom! Come outside. I just knocked over the ladder." His mother replied, "I'm busy. Go tell your father." Little Johnny replied, "He already knows; he's hanging from the roof!"

Farmer John was in trouble. A neighbor saw him "enjoying himself" with one of his goats and reported him. He was charged with bestiality. Worried, Farmer John started looking for a lawyer. He asked his barber, who replied, "There's two: Brown is sharper, but expensive; Smith ain't so bright, but he sure can pick a jury. And, he's cheap." Farmer John hired Smith. Came the day of the trial, the whole town packed the courtroom. John was worried, despite Smith's reassurances that all was taken care of. The prosecution's star witness started off with, "I saw Farmer John abusing that poor animal with my own two eyes. And when he was through, danged if that goat didn't turn around and lick him clean!" John thought, "That's it. I'm dead." But then he noticed the jury foreman whispering to the other jurors, who nodded in agreement, "A good goat'll do that!"

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Friday, August 20, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] August 20, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Five words: "Bar Band of the 70s!"
http://bit.ly/bN6qWN

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A businessman told his friend that his company was looking for a new accountant. The friend asked, "Didn't you hire a new accountant just a few months ago?" The businessman replied, "Yeah. That's the accountant we're looking for!"

How is a Scotsman different from a Rolling Stone? The Rolling Stone says, "Hey, you, get off of my cloud!" while the Scotsman says, "Hey, McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

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Wednesday, August 18, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] August 19, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Jyrki Parviainen sends along this funny video of a British man with a penchant for air time. What I want to know is: how did anyone find him in all that footage?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P_ZyFHPPB4g

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A dying grandmother told her granddaughter, "Dear, I want you to inherit my farm, my villa, my tractor, the farmhouse and all my livestock." "Wow!" said her granddaughter. "Thanks, Grandma. I didn't know you even had all that stuff. Where is it?" Grandma replied, "On Facebook!"

As the trucker came down the hill with a fully-loaded rig, he spied a man and a woman having sex right in the middle of the highway! He blew his air horn, but they didn't move, so he stood on the brakes, stopping mere inches from them. Furious, he yelled from his cab, "Are you crazy? What's wrong with you? Didn't you hear my horn? I damned near ran over you!" The man replied with a satisfied look on his face and said, "Look, pal, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. And you were the only one who had brakes!"

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Tuesday, August 17, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] August 18, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Watch as Top Gear's Jeremy sets out on a perilous 14-mile, two-town journey in a Reliant Robin, a 3-wheel car from the 1970s that could never have been a good idea!
http://www.flixxy.com/top-gear-car-review-reliant-robin.htm

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Why did the blonde nurse carry a red magic marker at work? In case she had to draw blood!

The newlyweds had been warned all week; all their friends kept teasing, "Saturday night you're gonna get what's what!" But, being virgins, neither understood what their friends meant. On their wedding night, they got in bed and she said, "Everyone's been telling me I was going to get 'what's what'. Where is it?" He replied, "I thought you were bringing it. Maybe it's hidden under the bed?" He crawled under the bed, but on his way out, he caught his pajama bottoms on a bedspring, and emerged naked from the waist downwards. She looked at him and cried, "What's that?" He answered, "What's what?" She smiled. "Oh, you tease! You had it all along!"

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Monday, August 16, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] August 17, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Are you aware that your new camera (or even phone camera) may be storing the location of every photo you take? And that, if you share those photos online, anyone on the Net can learn your exact location? This website provides step-by-step instructions on how to disable this feature:
http://www.icanstalku.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Nasser emailed his father: "Dad, Berlin is wonderful, people are nice, and I really like it here. But Dad, I am ashamed to arrive at my college in my gold-plated Mercedes, when all my teachers travel by train." His father replied: "Stop embarrassing us. I just transferred another twenty million dollars to your account. Go buy yourself a train!"

How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three: one to screw it in, one to complain about how the socket is being exploited, and one to secretly wish she was the socket!

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[cyberjoke3000] August 16, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

What better way to start your day that with a delicious bowlful of sight gags?
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2461

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

"Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador," said Paddy. "You must be fooking crazy!" said Mick. "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

A taxi came to a screeching halt, just barely missing an obviously pregnant jaywalker. "Watch it, lady!" shouted the cabbie. "Do you also wanna get knocked down?!"

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Thursday, August 12, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] August 13, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Remember the good ol' days of computers? I do ...but they weren't so good! Take a look at these ads and compare them to today's electronics — if you can stop laughing!
http://bit.ly/93VEsx

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

Dan came home from work to find a note from his wife reading, "Gone to the store. Be back later." It had been a long time, so he cranked up a porn flick and started flailing away. Just as he was about to climax, his wife walked in, realized what was happening, dropped her grocery bags, ran over and went down on him, finishing him off in spectacular fashion! She got up, collected her groceries, and went on to the kitchen. Dan was stunned. He soon regrouped and headed for the kitchen himself. "Honey, we haven't had sex in a year and today, all of a sudden, you come home and do that? What's happened?!" His wife calmly replied, "I scrubbed the floor this morning and it's easier to brush my teeth than to do that again!"

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Wednesday, August 11, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] August 12, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Thanks to Seb Arblaster and many more CyberJokesters, I now know that I and, millions of others, was fooled by yesterday's "HPOA Quits Her Job." You can read the whole story here (unless this is another fake! <grin>):
http://techcrunch.com/2010/08/11/elyse-porterfield/

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

What do you get when you mix PMS and GPS? A crazy bitch who will find you!

A young man in a Corvette yelled at Susie and her friend, "Hey, Susie! How ya doin'?" Susie yelled back, "Hi, Sixty-Four! Doing great. See you later." Susie's friend thought Sixty-Four was an odd name and commented so. Susie explained, "That's because he has six inches, but he's good for four times a night." Later, a guy in a BMW yelled out and Susie yelled back, "Hey, Seventy-Two! How's things?" "Seventy-Two?" asked her friend. Susie explained, "He has seven inches, but he's only good for twice a night." Then a guy rode past on a bicycle and gave Susie a shout. She replied, "Hey, Johnny Walker! How's it going?" When he was out of sight, Susie's friend said, "Wait a minute. I know him. His name isn't Johnny Walker. Johnny Walker is a liquor." Susie replied, "So... you broke my code!"

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Tuesday, August 10, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] August 11, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Wallace Krebs sends along what may be the best resignation letter ever: this young woman resigned by including 33 photos of herself holding a whiteboard in an email message to her entire company. And, I learned what "HPOA" means!
http://bit.ly/bl7m3S

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Bill Gates died and went to hell where Satan greeted him. "Welcome, Mr. Gates. You get your choice of three places in which to spend eternity." First, the devil showed Bill a huge lake of fire with millions of souls being tormented. Bill declined. Then Satan took him to a massive coliseum where thousands were being devoured by lions. Bill declined. Finally, he showed Bill a small room with nothing but a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill said, "I'll take it!" "Fine," said Satan and locked Bill in the room. Lucifer saw all this. "Why did you give Bill Gates the room with the PC?" Satan replied, "Because that PC is running Windows 95 and it's missing three keys: Control, Alt and Delete!"

Les was surprised when his bar pickup line worked; soon they were heading to her apartment. When they got inside, she told him, "I'm going to teach you the geography of New Jersey using only my body." "Interesting," thought Les. First, she placed his hand on her butt. "This is Freehold." Next, she placed his other hand on her breast. "This is Point Pleasant." For the first time, Les loved geography! Soon she moved his hand to between her legs. Into the game, Les asked, "So, is this Cherry Hill?" She smiled and said, "No, Les; that's Eatontown!"

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[cyberjoke3000] August 10, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

How about a couple of doctor jokes today?

CyberJokester Charlie Moher sends along this interesting article on laws regarding naming your baby. The U.S. seems quite lax in this area compared with these countries!
http://tinyurl.com/2bsk2uv

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The small town doctor was awakened in the middle of the night by a loud rapping on his front door. The pounding continued while he put on his robe, walked downstairs, and turned on the lights. Finally, he stopped the incessant pounding by opening the door. The doctor angrily said, "Well?" The reply? "Nope. Sick."

The hot young blonde was shown to an examination room by the nurse and undressed nervously, preparing for her upcoming exam. As she draped her underpants over the chair, a young doctor strode in. Coming to an abrupt halt, he quickly looked his nude patient up and down with appreciation. "Miss Jones," he said, "it seems obvious that this is your first eye examination."

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Monday, August 9, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] August 9, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

So much for summer: today's high was about 65° here. Yes, I know you're sweltering. But couldn't we have a few more weeks of warm? Huh? Oh, yeah; here's some sight gags:
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2451

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Definition of mixed emotions: Watching your mother-in-law back off a cliff in your new Lexus.

A lady rushed into her gynecologist's office, asking for an "emergency" appointment. The receptionist ushered her right into an examination room. The doctor came in and asked about her problem. She was too shy to say and just asked him to examine her. He did and quickly raised his head. "Miss, removing that vibrator will require a delicate and expensive operation." "I'm not sure I can afford it," she sighed. "But while I am here, could you replace the batteries?"

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Joke For All

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] September 1, 2010

Monday, August 30, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] August 31, 2010

Sunday, August 29, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] August 30, 2010

Thursday, August 26, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] August 27, 2010

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] August 26, 2010

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] August 25, 2010

Monday, August 23, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] August 24, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] August 23, 2010

Friday, August 20, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] August 20, 2010

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] August 19, 2010

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] August 18, 2010

Monday, August 16, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] August 17, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] August 16, 2010

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