Thursday, December 31, 2015

[cyberjoke3000] January 1, 2016



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Happy New Year!

In case you missed it, yesterday's article had a link to 21 cool things you didn't know that Google Maps could do. Here it is:

http://bit.ly/1mQk1Zx

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AL

Today's CyberJoke 3000™

My goal for 2016 is to accomplish the goals of 2015 which I should have done in 2014 because I promised to do them in 2013 after planning them in 2012.

A young boy announced, "I want many wives. One to cook for me, one to read to me, one to walk with me, one to sing for me, one to bathe me." His mother smiled. "I guess that means I won't have to help you to sleep." The boy quickly said, "Oh, no, Mommy! I still want you to put me to bed." His mother's eyes filled with tears. "My sweet son! But then who will sleep with all your wives?" The boy said, "They can sleep with Daddy!" Now it was Dad's turn to tear up. "My sweet son!" 

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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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[cyberjoke3000] December 31, 2015



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

I hope you have a safe and happy New Year’s Eve celebration. Tomorrow’s CyberJoke 3000™ may be a little late so you don’t have to get up early!

Jerry Seinfeld tried to get Barack Obama in a car to get coffee; watch what happened:
http://bit.ly/1Jhd2D3

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A man died and immediately found himself standing beside Jesus on a sandy beach. Ahead stretched two sets of footprints. "This was the journey of your life," said Jesus and they started to follow the prints. Jesus explained, "See how I walked beside you from the beginning?" Soon the two sets of footprints on the sand became a single track. "Lord, is this when I was fearful, distressed and distraught, when my hopes were dashed, my love betrayed, and everything conspired against me? Was this when you abandoned me, even though I needed you the most?" Jesus gestured kindly at the single set of footprints and said, "No, my son, this was when I carried you." The man was astonished and chastened. They continued their walk. Soon the single track became two again, then was joined by a third, and a fourth, and a fifth set. "But what is the meaning of this, Lord?" Jesus replied, "Oh, that? That was when you got so fat I had to get some apostles to help carry your fat ass!"

When I die, I hope I come back as a spider so I can finally hear women scream, "Oh my God! It's huge!" 

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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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Tuesday, December 29, 2015

[cyberjoke3000] December 30, 2015



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Let Google Maps plan your pit stops. While navigating to a destination, click the search icon and a list of points of interest appears. Choose from gas stations, restaurants, coffee shops and more and and Maps will find only those on your current route. (This works on my Android; don't know about iPhone.)

http://bit.ly/1PrrGqL 

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AL

Today's CyberJoke 3000™

My 60-year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 200 pounds I've gained!

A construction worker high up on a building needed a handsaw. He tried yelling at a co-worker on the ground, but the guy couldn't hear him. "I'll try sign language," he thought. He pointed to his eye, then to his knee, and then made a sawing motion. ("I knee-d handsaw.") The co-worker nodded, pulled down his pants, and began masturbating. Obviously failing to communicate, the guy headed down to the ground. "What's the deal, man? I said, 'I need a handsaw'." The other guy said, "I got it. I told you, 'I'm coming'!" 

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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[cyberjoke3000] December 29, 2015



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Susan Shaw sends along this impressive performance by a Chinese aerial troupe with dozens of flying acrobats. A must see!

https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/8oqPR5-GLuA

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AL

Today's CyberJoke 3000™

My therapist says my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

Jack asked Mike for a favor. "I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you keep him at the church for an hour or so after this Sunday's service?" Mike didn't like it, but agreed. After church, he talked to the minister, asking all sorts of questions to keep him occupied. The minister grew annoyed and asked, "Mike, what are you really up to?" Mike felt guilty and confessed, "My buddy asked me to keep you occupied because he's sleeping with your wife." The minister put a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and said, "You may want to hurry home, Mike. My wife died a year ago!" 

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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Monday, December 28, 2015

[cyberjoke3000] December 28, 2015



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

You’re probably not even at work today. You’re out having fun, aren’t you? Well, if you’re not, go ahead. Click here:
http://www.allowe.com/humor/sight-gags.html?PicNumber=5161 

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AL

Today's CyberJoke 3000™

I don't do drugs anymore because I don't need to. At my age I get the same results just by standing up fast!

Two well-dressed women of a certain age asked a business executive, "Sir, we're soliciting funds for the welfare and rehabilitation of wayward women. Would you care to donate?" The executive replied, "No, thanks. I contribute directly!" 

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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Thursday, December 24, 2015

[cyberjoke3000] December 25, 2015



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Merry Christmas!

 

Years ago, a Colorado Springs Sears store ran a "Dial Santa" ad with a typo in the phone number. Instead of the Santa hotline, callers reached the Continental Air Defense Command center. Here's how a defense agency ended up tracking Santa Claus for the past 60 years!

http://money.cnn.com/2015/12/24/technology/norad-santa-tracker 

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AL

Today's CyberJoke 3000™

What does Santa say to the toys on Christmas Eve? "Okay, everybody: sack time!"

Santa has the right idea: drop in on people only once a year! 

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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Wednesday, December 23, 2015

[cyberjoke3000] December 24, 2015



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Al Bryda sends along yet another sweet Coca-Cola ad, "A Bridge for Santa." This will warm you in spite of the weather.
https://www.youtube.com/embed/eOPhBWlF5bo 

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AL

Today's CyberJoke 3000™

How does Darth Vader like his Christmas turkey? On the dark side!

As the three wise men entered the stable to honor the birth of the child of Mary and Joseph, he bumped his head on the doorframe. He yelled in pain, "Jee-sus Kee-rist!" Mary look startled. She said, "Joseph! That name's even better than Irving!" 

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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Tuesday, December 22, 2015

[cyberjoke3000] December 23, 2015



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Jeffrey Flagg sends along this commercial that will never be seen on American TV: "Even Santa Poops."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b9TTz3R5SmI 

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

"Wonderful Life" Updated for 2015: "Look, Daddy! Teacher says every time the opening bell rings, Wall Street gets a bonus!”

Things That Sound Dirty On Christmas, But Aren't: Did you get any under the tree? I think your balls are hanging too low. Check out Rudolph's honker! Santa's sack is really bulging. Lift up the skirt so I can get a good look. I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy. From here you can't tell if they're real or fake. Can I interest you in some dark meat? To get it to stand up straight, try propping it up against the wall! 

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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Monday, December 21, 2015

[cyberjoke3000] December 22, 2015



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Jeffrey Katz shares the male a capella group Straight No Chaser performing "The Christmas Can-Can."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7E-47VmFopE 

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AL

Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The Four Stages of a Man's Life: You believe in Santa Claus. You don't believe in Santa Claus. You are Santa Claus. You look like Santa Claus.

My co-workers are like Christmas lights: they all hang together but half of them don't work ...and the other half ain't so bright! 

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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[cyberjoke3000] December 21, 2015



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

I wish I had ten Christmas sight gags for you, but one of these is a little Christmas-y.
http://www.allowe.com/humor/sight-gags.html?PicNumber=5151

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A Russian couple was walking through St. Petersburg back when it was still Leningrad, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "It's raining," he told his wife. She disagreed. "No, that's snow." "No, I'm sure it was just rain." They were about to have a major argument when they spotted a nearby Communist party official. "Let's ask him whether it's raining or snowing." She agreed. "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph: is this rain or snow?" "Rain, of course!" he answered. But the woman insisted, "No! It can't be!" Walking away, he quietly replied, "Madam, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

I'm trying to get into the holiday spirit, but I can't find a damned corkscrew! 

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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Thursday, December 17, 2015

[cyberjoke3000] December 18, 2015



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Patricia Price sends along "Holiday Dinner Party," a short video, set to the tune of "Rudolph," that skewers today's eating anomalies.

http://www.youtube.com/embed/TX9EAavxrus 

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

How many reindeer does Santa have? Ten! The easy eight: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen. Rudolph makes nine. And then there's "Olive, the other reindeer!"

Santa asked me to see if you were being good. How much it is worth to you for me to keep my mouth shut?! 

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Submit your jokes for CyberJoke 3000™ here.
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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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