[cyberjoke3000] September 1, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Jesse Linden found a web page devoted to "Johnny Castaway," the unique, fun screensaver that Sierra published back in the early 90s. Not your usual screensaver, it told a story of a man stranded on a desert island who did numerous interesting ways to while away his time when you weren't using your computer. It's now a free download, complete with tips to make it run under modern OSs.
http://web.onetel.net.uk/~gnudawn/johnny/#freecopy

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Brad Pitt is good looking, rich, famous, Oscar-nominated, and sleeps with Angelina Jolie. What did this guy do? Pull a thorn out of God's paw?!

It was time for the country preacher's teenage son to choose a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't know what he wanted to do and wasn't too concerned about it so his father tried an experiment. He placed four objects on the boy's desk: a Bible; a silver dollar; a bottle of whiskey; and a Playboy magazine. Then he hid behind the door to see which object he picked up first. He thought, "If he picks the Bible, he'll be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be! If he picks the dollar, he'll be a businessman and that would be okay, too. But if he picks the bottle, he'll be a drunk and that would be a shame. And if he picks the magazine, he'll be a womanizer." Soon the boy was home from school, tossed his books on the bed, and then spotted the new objects on his desk. He looked them all over and first picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He then picked up the silver dollar and put it in his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big swig, while admiring the magazine's centerfold. "Damn!" thought the preacher. "He's gonna run for Congress!"

---

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[cyberjoke3000] August 31, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Celebrate the last Monday of summer with a few sight gags!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=1961

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other. They finally got married and had a little sweet potato, which they called "Yam." When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed and get a bad name for herself like "Hot Potato" and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a Rotten Potato out of her. On the other hand, she didn't intend to stay home and become a Couch Potato. She got plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins. And she was careful to avoid those hard-boiled guys from Ireland and those greasers, the French Fries. She even avoided going out west, so she wouldn't get scalloped. Yam didn't associate with snooty Yukon Golds or those loose ones who ride around in trucks labeled, "Frito Lay." Yam went to Potato University so that, when she graduated, she'd be in the Chips. But when Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw, Mr. and Mrs. Potato were devastated. "You can't possibly marry Tom Brokaw," they cried. "He's just... a common tater!"

A man sat on a train across from a gorgeous blonde wearing a tiny mini-skirt. Although he tried, he just couldn't stop staring at her thighs. As the train rocked, he realized she wasn't wearing underwear. She noticed his eyes and asked, "Are you looking up my skirt?" "Yes, I am," he admitted. "I'm sorry. I'll stop." "Oh, it's alright," she replied. "I'm actually quite talented down there. Here, watch this: I'll make it blow you a kiss." Sure enough, it blew him a kiss. "Wow. What else can you do?" "I can make it wink at you." Sure enough, it winked at him. "Would you like to sit over here?" she asked, patting the seat beside her. He moved over. She asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?" Stunned, the man replied, "What?! It can whistle, too?"

---

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[cyberjoke3000] August 28, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

My apologies about yesterday's link and my thanks to all who took time to email me about it. Evidently that blog shut down shortly after I sent it out. Here's another similar site, but not quite as good, IMHO:
http://www.youparklikeanasshole.com/gallery2/gallery2/main.php

CyberJokester Dan Rosenbluth sends along this video of Bill Bailey telling a joke in the style of Geoffrey Chaucer. Who says you can't be smart and funny?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qod7nSGKag0

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A man entered a confessional and found one wall held a beer tap and another wall had an array of fine cigars. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a long time since I've been to confession... but I must say: the confessional box is much more inviting these days." The priest replied, "Get out. You're on my side!"

A man and a woman were sound asleep when a loud sudden noise came from outside their window. The woman jumped out of bed, yelling, "Holy crap! That must be my husband!" The man leapt from the bed and jumped naked out the window, running for his car. A minute later, he returned, and screamed at the woman, "I am your husband!" She yelled back, "Yeah, I know. But why did you run?!"

---

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[cyberjoke3000] August 27, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Charlie Moher sent me to a slightly different site that advertised this site which may be the web's ultimate collection of bad parking photos:
http://youparkedlikeanasshole.tumblr.com/

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

What's the difference between an extra large pizza and a musician? The pizza can feed a family of four!

Paddy returned to Dublin after attending the annual Dirtiest Limerick Contest. At dinner, his grandmother asked him, "Oooh, Paddy, could ya tell us: what won the Dirtiest Limerick Contest this year?" Paddy says, "No, grandmother, I couldn't possibly repeat that limerick, it's far too vile and nasty, filled with terrible words." "But, Paddy, couldn't ya just glaze over the nasty parts? You know, say, 'die, dee, die, dee, die' instead of something nasty?" Paddy thinks a moment and then says, "All right, grandma, I'll give it a go. This is what won the Dirtiest Limerick Contest in Limerick this year:   
'Dee die deedee die deedee die,        
'dee die deedee die deedee die,         
'dee die deedee die,   
'dee die deedee die,   
'dee die deedee die deedee c*nt!'"

---

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[cyberjoke3000] August 26, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Did you think I forgot your weekly dose of sight gags? Wrong! Here they are:
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=1951

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Love Making Tips For Seniors: Wear your glasses to be sure your partner is actually in the bed. Set a timer in case you doze off. Set the mood with lighting: turn them all off! Before you begin, put 911 on your speed dial. Write partner's name on your hand in case you forget. Keep the Polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act. Make all the noise you want... the neighbors are deaf too. Don't even think about trying it twice. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry her.

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[cyberjoke3000] August 25, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Seattle jazz great Bill Anschell wrote some of my favorite humor pieces, including "How Jazz Works," and "The Jazz Jam Session Primer." Now he's created "Careers in Jazz," which may be even funnier. It's only funny because it's true!
http://allowe.com/Humor/Book/Careers%20in%20Jazz.htm

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A lawyer, a teacher, and a garbage collector arrived at the Pearly Gates together. Saint Peter told them, "In order to get into Heaven, you must each answer one question." He asked the teacher, "What was the most famous ship to crash into an iceberg?" The teacher answered quickly, "The Titanic." Saint Peter opened the gates and let him in. He decided his first question was too easy, so he asked the garbage collector, "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately, the trash man had just seen the movie, and answered, "One thousand, two hundred and twenty-eight." Saint Peter said, "That's right!" and he opened the Pearly Gates. Then he turned to the lawyer. "Name them!"

What has 75 balls and screws old ladies? Bingo.

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[cyberjoke3000] August 24, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Eric Schneck, who runs the "Boomtastic Jokes" humor list along with wasting his time at some day job, sends along the website "Family Hack" which has helpful tips like getting stuff out of the bathroom sink without tools:
http://www.familyhack.com/2007/08/29/drain-tip/
and renting a car in Europe for 50% off by changing one word:
http://www.familyhack.com/2007/10/02/european-car-lease/
or how to get 90% discounts on kids clothes:
http://www.familyhack.com/2009/03/16/kids-clothes/
And you really should subscribe to Eric's humor list, too:
http://tinyurl.com/boomtastic

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? Five; one to climb the ladder and screw it in and four more to say, "That should have been me!"

On the chest of a barmaid at Yale,    
Was tattooed the prices of ale.          
And on her behind,    
For the sake of the blind,      
Was the same information in Braille.

---

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[cyberjoke3000] August 21, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Ever heard of a pistol shrimp? Ever heard a pistol shrimp? Watch this BBC short. I think you'll be surprised by what you see!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XC6I8iPiHT8

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Why should you never tell jokes while ice fishing? Because the ice will crack up!

How can you identify the dumbest actress working on a movie? She's the one sleeping with the writer!

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[cyberjoke3000] August 20, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Are you a desktop icon person? CyberJokester Charlie Gregor sends along Fences, a free program that helps you organize your desktop and hide your icons when not in use:
http://www.stardock.com/products/fences/

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Judi the blonde vacationed at a dude ranch. The cowboy preparing the horses asked, "Do you want a Western saddle or an English saddle?" "What's the difference?" "One has a horn and the other doesn't." "Oh, I'll take the one without the horn," said Judi. "I don't see much traffic out here!"

What did the banana say to the vibrator? "Why are you shaking? She's gonna eat me!"

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[cyberjoke3000] August 19, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Out of work? Looking for a job? Many companies now conduct video job interviews via Skype. Here's what not to do in a video interview:
http://tinyurl.com/kt77ux

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

 

Peter approached his teacher's desk, holding his report card. "If I were you," he said, "I'd change this 'F' while you still can." "Oh, really?" asked his teacher. "Why is that?" "Because my daddy told me that if I brought home one more failing report card, somebody was going to get a beating!"

Little Johnny saw his mother in the shower and asked about "down there." She decided to give him a short anatomy lesson. "Johnny, this is where you came from." The next day at school, Little Johnny insisted his friends call him, "Lucky Johnny." "Why?" asked one. Little Johnny held his fingers apart and said, "Because I came this close to being a turd!"

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[cyberjoke3000] August 18, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

What happens when you point the Hubble Space Telescope at a seemingly blank patch of sky? A view that takes you to the edge of the universe!
http://tinyurl.com/rdzpzu

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

What does a blonde think is long and hard? Eighth grade.

Little Suzi was in her bedroom when her brother knocked on the door. "Hey! Let us in," he shouted. "It's me and Little Johnny!" "I can't let you in. I'm in my nightgown. Mama says little boys can't see little girls in their nightgowns!" The boys turned to walk away, when they heard Little Suzi yell through the door, "Come on in! I took it off!"

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[cyberjoke3000] August 17, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

"Who wants Sight Gags! Getchur red hot Sight Gags here!"
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=1941

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A woman told her friend, "I made my ex-husband a millionaire." Her friend asked, "What was he before he married you?" "A multi-millionaire!"

The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be asked her mother, "Mom, I need you to teach me how to make my new husband happy." Mom took a deep breath and began, "Well, dear, when two people love, honor and respect each other..." "Oh, Mom! I know how to screw him," interrupted the bride-to-be. "I want you to teach me how to make your great lasagna!"

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[cyberjoke3000] August 14, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Jeffrey Katz sends along this amazing video of millions of starlings preparing for their nightly roost:
http://www.flixxy.com/starlings-settling-to-roost.htm

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

My ex-wife was a great housekeeper. When we divorced, she kept the house!

A guy ran into his old girl friend at his twenty-fifth high school reunion. "I wondered if you'd be here tonight. How have you been?" he asked. "Oh, fine," she replied, "although I do have some bad news and some good news, too." "What's the bad news?" "A few weeks ago I had a hysterectomy." "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. What's the good news?" "The doctor found the class ring you lost!"

---

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[cyberjoke3000] August 13, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Wayne Wright sends along this site of boomer memories, toons, trailers, TV clips, ads, old cars, and jokes. Slip into your chinos and poodle skirts...
http://www.timewarpmemories.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A Las Vegas magician amazed the crowd, so much so that a man in the back of the theater yelled, "How'd you do that?" The magician responded with a laugh, "If I told you, sir, I'd have to kill you." The man yelled back, "Okay, then, tell my wife!"

Movie Ratings Explained: G: Nobody gets the girl. PG: The Good Guy Gets The Girl. R: The Bad Guy Gets The Girl. X: Everybody Gets The Girl. XXX: Everybody gets the girl, her mother, and her dog!

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[cyberjoke3000] August 12, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Ever seen a guy change the front tire on a motorcycle? While doing a wheelie? You've got to see this to believe it!
http://www.flixxy.com/motorcycle-stunt.htm

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

It's morning in the Big Forest and the Bear Family was just waking up. Baby Bear went downstairs, sat in his small chair at the table, looked into his small bowl, and was shocked to see: it was empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?!" he squeaked. Daddy Bear sat in his big chair at the table, looked into his big bowl, and was shocked to see: it was empty, too! "Who's been eating my porridge?!" he roared. Mommy Bear leaned in from the kitchen and said, "How many times do we have to go through this? I haven't made the porridge yet!"

My mother loved to party. I came home one day after school and found her, wasted out of her mind, riding the lawn mower. His name was Rafael!

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[cyberjoke3000] August 11, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Watch as Top Gear's James May takes an emotional ride to 70,000 feet at the edge of space in a U2, the world's highest-flying airplane.
http://www.flixxy.com/u2-worlds-highest-flying-airplane.htm

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

What's the definition of "gross ignorance?" 144 blondes.

I recently childproofed my house. I went to every room and hid a condom!

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[cyberjoke3000] August 10, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Besides today's new sight gags, I updated several other parts of my website this weekend. After enjoying these:
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=1931
also check out my new Audio Humor.

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The police are having a real problem with pepper spray. Caucasians think it's unconstitutional, African-Americans think it's racist, and Mexicans think it's not hot enough!

I got tired of mowing my grass, so I hired a Vietnamese woman and had my whole yard waxed. Now I just have a thin strip of grass leading into my front door!

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I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.

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[cyberjoke3000] August 7, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Ever wonder what it really would be like to fly like an eagle? Watch this video made by a camera strapped to an eagle's back!
http://www.flixxy.com/eagle-camera-flight.htm

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Suzi called her friend and said, "Guess what, Meagan? I lost 150 pounds of ugly fat." Meagan replied, "Wow, that's amazing! How did you do it?" Suzi answered, "I threw my husband out of the house!"

A thousand men were surveyed, asking what they liked best about oral sex. 3% liked the warmth, 4% enjoyed the sensation, and 93% appreciated the silence!

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Download this barcode (WWW or SMS) and print it anywhere you want to make people laugh.

 

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I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.

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[cyberjoke3000] August 6, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Zadir sends along this combination of flash mob and rehearsed choreography. Urlesque takes musical theater to the streets:
http://tinyurl.com/krke2q

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Did you hear about the aging Godfather? He made an offer he couldn't remember!

Buying Paint From A Hardware Store: Customer: "How much is paint?" Clerk: "We have regular quality for $12 a gallon and premium for $18. How many gallons would you like?" Customer: "Give me five gallons of regular quality, please." Clerk: "Great. That'll be $60 plus tax." Buying Paint From An Airline: Customer: "Hi, how much is your paint?" Clerk: "Well, sir, that depends." Customer: "On what?" Clerk: "Actually, many things." "What's your average price?" "Wow, that's a hard question. Our lowest price is $9 a gallon and we have 150 other prices up to $200 a gallon." "What's the difference?" "Oh, there's no difference; it's all the same paint." "Well, then, give me 5 gallons of the $9 paint." "When do you intend to use it?" "Tomorrow, on my day off." "Sir, tomorrow's paint is $200." "What? Well, when would I have to paint to get the $9 paint?" "In three weeks, but you will also have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday evening." "You've got to be kidding!" "Sir, we don't kid. Let me see if we have any of that paint available before I sell it to you." "Why? I can see you have shelves full of it." "Just because you can see it, doesn't mean we have it. It may be the same paint, but we sell only a certain number of gallons any given weekend. Oops. The price just went up to $12." "The price went up while we were talking?!" "Yes, sir. You see, we change prices and rules thousands of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. And unless you want the same thing to happen again, I suggest you get on with your purchase. How many gallons do you want?" "I don't know. Probably five gallons. Or maybe I should buy six just to be sure." "Oh, no, sir. You can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, you're liable for penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have." "What?" "Yes, we can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you'll be in violation of our tariffs." "But why do you care if I use all my paint? I paid for it!" "Sir, there's no point in getting upset; that's the way it is." "This is crazy! I'm going somewhere else to buy my paint." "Don't bother, sir. We all have the same rules. Thank you for painting with our airline!"

---

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I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.

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