Monday, May 31, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] June 1, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Just how big is the Internet? This big:
http://www.onlineeducation.net/internet/

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Never argue with a woman when she's tired... or rested!

I met a 14-year-old girl in a chat room. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. Turns out she's an undercover detective. How cool is that, at her age!


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Sunday, May 30, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] May 31, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

I'm sorry, but you get no dessert until you finish your Sight Gags!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2351

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Scientists recently created an embryo with the DNA of one man and two women. It's the closest any scientist will get to an actual threesome.

The Jazz Musicians' Helpline: If you are a bandleader and want to learn your opinion of yourself, press 1. If you are a tuba player in a Dixie band, press 1 and 3. If you are a drummer, press 2 and 4. If you are old enough to remember Dave Brubeck, press 5, then 4. If you are an agent wanting to know your commission, press 20. If you want to know the length of a jazz musician's 15-minute break, enter 30. If you are at a career crossroads and can't decide which route to take, press 66. If you always forget to play the codas, press recall. If you are a bebopper, press as many keys as fast as you can. If you are a trumpet player distracted by women in the audience, press 36. Or 38. If you are a trombonist wanting to know how many beers you can drink and still play, deduct 1 from the number of beers you've already drunk and press anything you can. If you are a vocalist who kicks off her own tempos, press any number between zero and infinity. If you are a vocalist satisfied with the bandleader's tempos, press any number outside that range!


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Thursday, May 27, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] May 28, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Ever need an insult while at a Renaissance Faire? (Hey, it could happen.) Log onto "Shakespearean Insulter" and get all you need!
http://www.pangloss.com/seidel/Shaker

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

You're not really drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on!

How can you tell if you're really ugly? Dogs close their eyes when they hump your leg!


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Wednesday, May 26, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] May 27, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Stephen Palmer sends along the amazing artistry of Stephen Wiltshire, a British savant with a photographic memory and the ability to draw anything he sees. BBC put him to the test, flying him in a helicopter over Rome, then recorded him reproducing the city on a mural.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dAfaM_CBvP8

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A frantic mother telephoned the pediatrician's office and said her baby had a 102° temperature. The nurse needed to know if she was taking the baby's temperature underarm, orally or rectally, so she asked, "How are you taking it?" The mother replied, "Oh, I'm holding up pretty well!"

A rich Texan told the president of the University of Texas, "I want to set you up with a billion-dollar endowment fund, with but one condition." "What's the condition?" "I want you to give my horse an honorary degree. She's served me faithfully for fifteen years and she deserves a B.T. degree, a Bachelor's of Transportation." The president said, "I've got to consult my trustees. I'll get back to you." The trustees debated an hour until one senior trustee, who had appeared to be napping during the whole discussion, said softly, "I think we should take his money and give the horse the degree." Another trustee piped up, "But wouldn't you be embarrassed to give an honorary degree to a horse?" "Nope," said the old man. "In fact, it would be the first time I can remember that we gave an honorary degree to a whole horse!"


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Tuesday, May 25, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] May 26, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Think all audio books should be free? On this site they are--and legal, too. They give away MP3s of books whose copyrights have expired. No latest bestseller, but some great books. And the price is right!
http://www.booksshouldbefree.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

"Can I deduct the cost of medical marijuana?" "Only if you file a joint return."

A truck driver stopped when he saw the young lady about to jump off a bridge. "Stop! Don't do it?" "No. I'm going to commit suicide." "Well, before you go, would you give me a blow job?" "Sure. I love fellatio! One more wouldn't hurt." So she does. When she's done, the trucker said, "My god, woman! You've got real talent! Why commit suicide?" She replied, "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl!"


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Monday, May 24, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] May 25, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Who knew there was a humorous way to separate eggs? Watch as this actual pottery sculpture works:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jP4NS2XH2g0

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Who Reads What? The Wall Street Journal is read by people who run the country. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but can't understand The New York Times and love pie charts. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country if they could find the time and didn't have to leave SoCal to do it. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't sure who's running the country and don't care so long as they get a seat on the train. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country as long as they do something scandalous, preferably while intoxicated. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but want baseball scores. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure if there is a country or if anyone is running it but they oppose everything that they stand for. The National Enquirer is read by people in line at the grocery store. Local papers are read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something in which to wrap it.

The math teacher asked Little Johnny, "If you have $500 and you give $100 to Mary, $100 to Sally, and $100 to Susan, what would you have?" Evidently, "an orgy" is not the correct answer!


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[cyberjoke3000] May 24, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Look, if I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times: Click this link!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2341

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A doctor told a woman she could no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she got a divorce!

An Army general, a Marine general and an Air Force general were debating with a Navy admiral about which soldiers were bravest. The Air Force general called over an airman and said, "Airman! Climb that flagpole and, once you're at the top, sing 'Wild Blue Yonder' and then jump off!" "Yes, sir!" yelled the airman. He scaled the flagpole like a shot, sang the anthem at the top of his lungs, saluted, jumped off and hit the ground standing at attention. "Now that's bravery!" said the general. "That's nothing," said the admiral. "Seaman! Take this weapon, scale that flagpole, balance yourself on top at attention, present arms, sing 'Anchors Aweigh,' salute us, and jump off." "Yes, sir!" shouted the seaman. He completed all the tasks perfectly. "Now that's bravery!" said the admiral. "That's nothing," snorted the Army general. "Private! Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack full of rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down head first." "Yes, sir!" shouted the private and easily completed the task. "Now that's bravery!" They all looked at the Marine. "Private, put on full combat gear, put pit bulls in your pack, climb that flagpole using only one hand, at the top sing 'The Halls of Montezuma,' put your knife in your teeth and dive off headfirst." The private snapped to attention, looked at his general and shouted, "F*¢k you, sir!" The Marine turned to the others and said, "See? Now that's bravery!"


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Thursday, May 20, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] May 21, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Yesterday's video was the lip-sync of the John Williams medley; thanks to PC Magazine's Neil Rubenking, here's the original (and slightly different) version by Moosebutter:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PGYAPr6UKhs
Neil also recommends PC Magazine's "YouTube 5th Anniversary" article, which features all the editors' favorite videos:
http://www.pcmag.com/article2/0,2817,2363861,00.asp

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

What do you say to a guy with a below-average IQ? "Nice Stetson!"

Two bums decided to move to a more central location. They hitched a ride and ended up in the city's red-light district. A hooker approached one bum and asked, "Hey, buddy. Want a hand job?" The bum shook his head and said, "No!" Soon another hooker approached the other bum and asked, "Hey, fella. Want a blow job?" The second bum also shook his head and said, "No!" After the second hooker left, one bum said to the other, "Moving here was a mistake. We've only been here five minutes and we've already been offered two jobs!"


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Wednesday, May 19, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] May 20, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Al Johnson sends along this excellent lip-sync to a medley of John Williams's best-known themes from his movies.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lk5_OSsawz4

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

During a vasectomy, the surgeon slipped and cut off one of the man's testicles. Hoping to avoid a malpractice suit, he replaced the missing testicle with an onion. When the patient came in for a follow up, he said, "Everything's fine, doc, but my sex life has changed." "How?" asked the anxious doctor. "Well, doc, whenever I pee, my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job, she gets heartburn. And every time I pass a hamburger stand, I get a hard-on!"


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[cyberjoke3000] May 19, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Want to see Boeing construct a 737 in less than three minutes? This cool time lapse shows you how it's done:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zKnsyYbfC60

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A parachute sergeant was on a night exercise when he noticed the lieutenant fresh from jump school seated beside him was looking a bit pale. "Scared, lieutenant?" he asked. The lieutenant replied, "No, just a little apprehensive." Sarge asked, "What's the difference?" He replied, "I'm scared... but with a university education!"

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old widower. When she returned home, her daughter asked, "How was your date, Mom?" "I had to slap his face three times!" replied her mother. "You mean he got fresh with you?" Her mother grimaced. "No. I thought he was dead!"


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Monday, May 17, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] May 18, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Why study real science when Fake Science is so much funnier?
http://fakescience.tumblr.com
And don't miss page 2:
http://fakescience.tumblr.com/page/2

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Census Taker: "How many children do you have?" Woman: "Four." "May I have their names, please?" "Eenie, Meenie, Mynie ...and George." "Okay. Uh, may I ask why you named your fourth child George?" "Because we didn't want any Moe!"

What did the sadist do to the masochist? Nothing!


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Sunday, May 16, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] May 17, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

I don't care what your boss says: get in there and enjoy some sight gags right now!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2331

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Two stockbrokers went to lunch. One said, "This meal, let's relax and talk about something other than the market." "Good idea. Let's talk about women." "Okay -- common or preferred?"

Reasons To Go To Work Naked: Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your butt in here by 8:00!" Your computer monitor's radiation will improve your tan. It's a good way to meet that hot new hunk in H. R. "Oh, I'd love to chip in on his gift, but my wallet's in my pants." It stops those creeps in marketing from looking down your blouse. You'll finally know if it's like that dream you have. People won't steal your pens once they see where you keep them. It diverts attention from the fact that you returned from lunch drunk. It gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning. No one will ever borrow your chair again!


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Friday, May 14, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] May 14, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Ron E Marshall sends along the follow-up to the recent "OK, Go" video link I sent out last week. Remember their warehouse-sized, Rube Goldberg contraption? Here's "the making of" story and videos. I find this even more fun than the original video!
http://www.wired.com/gadgetlab/2010/03/ok-go-rube-goldberg/

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Mike's friends were throwing him the best bachelor party ever. Food, booze, hookers, strippers, and great porn. Mike's Dad was many sheets into the wind when he rose and asked for everyone's attention. "I want to propose a toast to my son! Mike, I'm so glad I could be here with you on the happiest day of your life." "But, Pop," Mike said, "I'm not getting married until tomorrow." His dad replied, "Like I said, I'm glad to be here on the happiest day of your life!"


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Wednesday, May 12, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] May 13, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Dan Rosenbluth sends along this report from CBS News about the security risk that comes from... copy machines? Did you know most copiers now use a hard drive? That stores images of tens of thousands of documents it copied? You should!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iC38D5am7go

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bob went into the restroom and saw a man standing at the next urinal with no arms. As he started to take care of business, he wondered how the armless man was going to do his business. As Bob finished, the man asked Bob for help. A kind soul, Bob said, "Sure, I'll help you. What do I do?" The man said, "Unzip my zipper." Bob did. "Pull it out for me." Bob did. It was red, with scabs and scars, and it smelled awful. "Point it for me." Bob did... and when he was done, Bob shook it, put it away, and zipped it up. "Thanks, man. I really appreciate it." Bob said, "No problem. But what's wrong with it?" The guy pulled his arms out of his shirt and said, "I dunno, man, but I ain't touching it!"


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[cyberjoke3000] May 12, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Barbara Horn sends along this video about frazil ice. Never heard of it? Me, neither. Yet it's another real form of, well, not ice, not water, but sort of a million gallon slurpie!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9V9p4mFEYXc

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Every calendar's days are numbered.

Dick noticed his buddy was drunker than he'd ever seen him. He walked over to the bar and asked, "What's the trouble, Conrad? Is it a woman?" Conrad replied, "What else?" "Want to tell me about it?" asked Dick. "It's your wife," said Conrad. "My wife?" asked Dick. "What about her?" "Well, buddy, I'm afraid she's cheating on us!"


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Monday, May 10, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] May 11, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Today's first joke is a bit of a thinker. I hope you like it.

CyberJokester Terri Adishian sends along this creative idea to clean up the Gulf oil spill. Check this out and tell me why this couldn't work:
http://bit.ly/cMvXYC

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

What's the difference between a seagull and a diaperless baby? One flits along the shore...


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Sunday, May 9, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] May 10, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Here's the deal: I've got some new sight gags. You need to see them. Now!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2321

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

If you don't pay your exorcist, will you get repossessed?

Two teenagers were arrested for public lewdness and possession of marijuana when they were found naked, enjoying a joint on the edge of the fountain in the town square. The arresting officer, unable to reach either parent, gave them one phone call. A half hour later, a man entered the station. The sergeant said, "I suppose you're the kids' lawyer?" "Nope," the chap replied. "I'm just delivering their pizza!"


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Thursday, May 6, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] May 7, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Keith Thompson sends along this wonderful video showing what happens when you stumble upon a down-on-his-luck Terminator 800:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w8vqSJAOC7I

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A blonde texted her boyfriend, "what does idk mean?" He texted back, "i don't know." She responded, "omg nobody does!"

An elderly couple was walking through the New York fashion district when the wife noticed her husband staring at the models in their short skirts and revealing blouses. "Henry, stop that! You act like you've never seen legs or breasts before!" The old boy replied sadly, "You know, I was just thinking the exact same thing myself!"


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Wednesday, May 5, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] May 6, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Larry Buchanon sends along this article, explaining that Sony has just stopped making floppy disks. Wow! I remember the first time I saw one, back in 1983, shortly before the first Macs was released. It was so impressive! It held a whopping 400KB! I still remember converting 400KB Macintosh disks into 1.4MB PC disks in my garage, using a electric drill to make a hole in the upperleft corner (the only difference, evidently, between "single density" and "double high density!"). Ah. Another geek memory.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/magazine/8651750.stm

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

What do you call a dog wearing ear muffs? Anything you want. He can't hear you!

A recently-married woman was asked by an old friend, "How's the new marriage going?" "Not well. He eats like a pig, he never takes a bath, and he leaves his stinking dirty clothes all over the house. He makes me so sick I can barely eat." "My god," said her friend, "why don't you leave him?" The newlywed replied, "I will. But first I want to lose another twelve pounds!"


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