Wednesday, March 31, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] April 1, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

You know not to open unexpected email attachments, yet sometimes you're just too curious to resist. Next time, save the attachment to your desktop without opening it. Then scan it with your virus program. If it passes inspection, then you can open it. But if not, delete it and your computer will still be safe.

And that's not an April Fool's Day joke!

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AL

Today's CyberJoke 3000™

When the small town's fire department acquired a new fire truck, a town meeting was held to determine what to do with the old one. After much discussion, the town blonde suggested they keep it and use it for false alarms!

Why are cowboys' balls all the same size? So they can pull each other's trailers!


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[cyberjoke3000] March 31, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Think you can wire up anything? Are you a real geek? Take this challenge and prove it. Try to identify ten of the most common cable connectors. (Admission: I missed one!)
http://mentalfloss.com/quiz/quiz.php?q=852&p=1

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The defendant was asked, "Do you want a bench trial or a jury trial?" "Jury trial," he replied. "Are you sure you understand the difference?" asked the judge. "Sure. A jury trial is where twelve ignorant people decide my fate instead of just one!"

How are we sure that a cowboy is smarter than his horse? If, during a parade, he doesn't hang his pen¡s out!


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Tuesday, March 30, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] March 30, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Todd Mickel reminded me to mention "Windows Secrets," a newsletter I've subscribed to for years. Every week they send new information on Windows, little tweaks that make it easier, news about bugs and security risks, etc. They have both free and paid versions (the paid has even more goodies). Highly recommended. Tell 'em I sent you.
http://windowssecrets.com/info/

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Last Thanksgiving I did the traditional thing and shot my own turkey. You should have seen the people in the meat department scatter!

What are a cowboy's top three lies? "That there's my brand new pickup and it's paid for." "I won this here buckle at the Calgary Stampede." "Honest mister, I was just helpin' that sheep over the fence!"


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Sunday, March 28, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] March 29, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Today, when you look at this Monday's Sight Gags, be sure to also poke around my site a little. I've posted new stuff everywhere; it's your job to find it! <grin>
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2261

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A father grumbled to his two young boys as he reluctantly put on his tuxedo: "Other kids make their mothers too tired to go out nights. What's wrong with you two?!"

As she passed the young novices, Mother Superior said, "Good morning, ladies" and the novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior. May God be with you." But once they were past, she heard one novice say to another, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." Mother Superior was surprised, but decided not to pursue it. Soon she passed two sisters who had taught there for years. They exchanged pleasantries, but again she heard them whisper, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." She wondered if she had been harsh with them and vowed to be more pleasant. Down the hall came retired Sister Mary. They exchanged greetings but Sister Mary added right to her face, "Looks like you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." Mother Superior was floored. "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? Three times this morning someone has said that about me." Sister Mary looked Mother Superior in the eye. "Oh dear, don't take it personally. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers!"


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Thursday, March 25, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] March 26, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Steve Morus sends along this wonderful post from I-Am-Bored.com: "If WWII were fought on Facebook." The more you read, the funnier it gets:
http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=47948

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Old Jewish proverb: "A Jewish wife may forgive and forget, but she never forgets what she forgave!"

What two words will clear out a men's locker room in seconds? "Nice co¢k!"


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Wednesday, March 24, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] March 25, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Gary Orndorff sends along eListMania, a web site that can easily kill hours of your time!
http://www.elistmania.com/
Here's one to start with:
http://www.elistmania.com/still/10_celebrities_with_yellow_teeth/

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

What's the difference between a Northern zoo and a Southern zoo? Both have a description of the animal on the front of the cage; the Southern zoo also has a recipe!

What is forty feet long and smells like urine? Line dancing at the nursing home!


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[cyberjoke3000] March 24, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Al Bryda sends along this video by Tom Baynham and Ben Tyers who also earned Masters degrees in Manufacturing Engineering from Cambridge University. Which will bring them more success?
http://tinyurl.com/36qj7f

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

There are more important things than money, but they won't date you if you don't have any!

An old lady stood before Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates when she heard a blood-curdling scream. "What's that?" she cried. Saint Peter replied, "Oh, don't worry about that. It's just someone having the holes drilled into her shoulders for her wings." No sooner had he finished speaking, but she heard another horrible scream. "What's that?" she asked. "Oh, nothing. Someone is having her head drilled for her new halo." The woman said, "I can't take this. Send me to hell instead." Saint Peter responded, "You don't want to go there. You'll be raped and forced to perform oral sex." "Maybe so," she said, "but at least I already have the holes for that!"


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Monday, March 22, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] March 23, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Maybe it's just a guy thing, but I found "The Monster" fascinating. Watch as SSI builds and then runs an 800-hp shredder!
http://www.ssiworld.com/watch/the_monster.htm
Then watch it eat a BMW:
http://www.ssiworld.com/watch/bmw.htm
They have a huge collection of "shred videos" here:
http://www.ssiworld.com/watch

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Years ago, Pablo Picasso caught a burglar who had broken into his studio. The crook got away, but Picasso gave police a sketch of him. On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, a washing machine, and the Eiffel Tower!

An American tourist in Mexico saw a donkey rental place and decided to try it. "I want to rent a donkey," he said. The proprietor replied, "We don't call them donkeys here--they're a$$es. And the only a$$ I have left is a little weird. You have to scratch him to make him stop." "No big deal," thinks the American and takes his new a$$ for a spin. Seeing a hotdog stand, he stopped and ordered a hotdog. The proprietor replied, "We don't call them hotdogs here--they're wieners." Meanwhile, his donkey started to wander off. He turned to another tourist and asked, "Would you mind holding my wiener while I scratch my a$$?"


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Sunday, March 21, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] March 22, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

What this country needs is universal Sight Gags!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2251

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A group of 40-year-old buddies decide to meet for dinner at the Hofbrau House, because the waitresses there have low-cut blouses and nice breasts. Ten years later, they decide to meet again. This time they agree to meet at the Hofbrau House, because the food is good and they have a nice wine selection. At age sixty, they decide to meet again. They finally decide on the Hofbrau House, because it's quiet and smoke-free. At age seventy, they decide to meet again. This time they agree upon the Hofbrau House, because it's wheelchair accessible and they have an elevator. At age eighty, the eighty decide to meet again. For a long time, they discuss where to meet. They finally agree to meet at the Hofbrau House, because they've never been there before!

How is a near-sighted gynecologist like a puppy? They each have a wet nose!


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Friday, March 19, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] March 19, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Butch Obrycki sends along this powerful message from TAC, set to the music of REM:
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=Z2mf8DtWWd8

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A conservative Midwestern college had a standing rule that the heat was not to be turned on in its dormitories before a certain date. One year, winter reared its ugly head early. Students in both the men's and women's dorms complained about the cold, but nothing was done. After four days of no heat and no respite in sight, the women hung a bed sheet on the outside of their dorm with the message, "Turn on the heat or we'll turn on the boys!" The heat came on soon thereafter.

How do you know if an auto mechanic has just had sex? One of his fingers is clean!


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Wednesday, March 17, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] March 18, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Got a GPS in your car? Saved your home location? What if a thief stole your car? He'd know you're not home and he probably has your garage door opener. The next time you're at your neighborhood shopping center, relocate your "home" position to there. You can get home from there and a thief won't have a clue.

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A collector, looking for rare books, came across an old farmer who said he had nothing of interest. "But last week, I found a big old bible out in the barn." "Old bibles aren't usually worth much," said the collector. "There are just so many of them." "Yeah," said the farmer. "That's why I threw it away. It was in German, anyway. And way too big to read." "Did it have a name on it?" "Yeah, Guten-somethin'." "Not Gutenberg?" "Yeah, that's it." "What?! You threw away one of the first books ever printed? That's worth twenty-five million dollars!" "Oh, I doubt that," said the farmer. "It had scribbling all over the margins by some guy named Martin Luther!"

As the couple watched TV, the husband kept switching between the baseball game and a soft porn cable movie. He mumbled an excuse to his wife, "I don't know whether to watch them or the game." She replied, "Go ahead and watch them. You already know how to play baseball!"


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[cyberjoke3000] March 17, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Happy St. Patrick's Day! Did you remember to wear green? And good news: starting tomorrow, no more Irish jokes!

CyberJokester Jed Feiman sends along this wonderful video by "PianoChatImprov" who does on ChatRoulette exactly what his name says: improvises songs to the random people who pop up. He's already had over a million hits in less than a week:
http://www.youtube.com/pianochatimprov

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

How can you tell if an Irishman found a twenty-dollar bill? Smell his breath!

How can we be sure that Adam was Irish? Who else would stand beside a naked woman and munch on an apple?


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Monday, March 15, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] March 16, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

I've spent the past week updating my web site, with a hundred new videos and lots of other tweaks here and there. Check out "What's New?" at the bottom of my home page:
http://www.allowe.com

And while we're on the topic of videos, how about a Doritos ad that mocks the new Apple iPad:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AgqnOqfehJE

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Define an Irish problem drinker. A guy who never buys!

Mick O'Riley sat at the end of the bar looking grim. A friend asked him what was wrong. "Ah, it's my wife," O'Riley replied. "The last time I came home drunk, she said she wouldn't talk to me for a month." "That's awful." "No sh¡t!" said O'Riley. "Today, my month is up!"


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Sunday, March 14, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] March 15, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Remember to set your clocks forward yesterday? Why not lose another hour today right here, while you beware the Ides of March?
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2241

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Mrs. McGuire drove her station wagon filled with children right through a stop sign. A cop saw her and pulled her over. Looking in her window, he asked, "Lady, don't you know when to stop?" She looked back over her shoulder and replied, "Two of them ain't mine!"

Why are there no Irish bisexuals? Twice a year is just too often!


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Thursday, March 11, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] March 12, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Here's an epic video by the band OK Go, a four-minute Rube Goldberg machine in a daisy chain of elegant chaos, as they perform "This Too Shall Pass" while wearing paint-splattered jumpsuits, the reason for which will be revealed. This is the best one of these contraption videos I've seen. Watch in 1024 resolution, if your connection is up to it!
http://www.flixxy.com/rube-goldberg-ok-go-music-video.htm

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Have you heard about "Irish Anonymous?" If you have a sudden urge to fall on the wagon, a couple of drunks bring over a bottle!

A recently ordained Irish priest was delivering his first sermon to his new parish. "As I drove into your town last week, I witnessed three abominations: first, I saw a man in a field committing an unnatural act with a sheep. I drove on farther and saw another man committing the same vile act with another sheep. And then, at the edge of town, I saw a man committing an abomination with himself." A voice spoke up from the back of the congregation. "Aye, that'll be old Paddy Fitzpatrick. He never could catch a sheep!"


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Wednesday, March 10, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] March 11, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Jim Burke sends along this wonderful Cnet video tip that lets you actually watch a DVD's movie instead of sitting through a bunch of ads for films you don't care about. It boils down to: press the Stop button twice and the Play button once. Here's the whole video:
http://cnettv.cnet.com/skip-dvd-trailers/9742-1_53-50084412.html

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Paddy O'Shea thought it would be the neighborly thing to do to go next door and welcome the new couple to the neighborhood. Five hours later he staggered home and up to the bedroom. His wife asked, "So, Paddy, how are the new neighbors?" "Nice enough, I guess," Paddy replied, "but they have no class. They brought out a quart of the worst whiskey I've ever tasted. A couple of times, I thought about not finishing it!"

The Irishman hobbled into a doctor's office. "I think I broke my foot." "What happened?" "Well, it all started twenty years ago." "Twenty years?" the startled doctor exclaimed. "Yep. I had just started as an apprentice to Sean O'Toole and I was sleeping in his hayloft. The first night, his young daughter climbed up into the hayloft and asked me if there was anything she could do for me. I said, 'No, I'm comfortable.' and she left." "So?" asked the doctor. "Then, the next night, she climbed up there again, but this time wearing only a nightgown. 'Now is there anything I can do for you?' she asked me and again I told her, 'Nope. I'm good.' " "I don't understand," said the doctor. "Then, on the third night, she climbed up there stark naked and asked me the same thing. And again, I said I was fine, and she left." "I'm confused," said the doctor. "What does this have to do with your broken foot?" "I'm getting' there, doc. This afternoon, when I finally realized what she meant, I got so mad I kicked a brick wall!"


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Tuesday, March 9, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] March 10, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Feeling down this morning? Here's three minutes of the best five baby laughs you've ever heard. If you can watch this without smiling--you're dead!
http://www.flixxy.com/best-baby-laughing.htm

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

What is long, white and useless to an Irishwoman? An Irish man!

A Texan sat down in his airline seat, turned to the fellow next to him, and said, "Howdy, suh. My name's Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah'm from Dallas, Texas. Ah'm 6-foot 3-inches tall. Ah'm white from th' top of mah head to th' tip of mah toes. And I hate Irishmen!" The little fellow beside him replied, "Well now, how d'ye do? My name's Patrick Michael O'Donnell. I'm from Dublin, Ireland. I'm 5-foot 6-inches tall. I'm white from the top o' me head to the tip o' me toes, except for me a$$hole, which is brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N!"


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Monday, March 8, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] March 9, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Bob Barrett sends along this short PBS video about the Touchtable. See Iran's nuclear facility grow and disappear over time; watch live airplane traffic; track crime in a city. Here's one amazing coffee table of the future:
http://to.pbs.org/biwjNo

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? One less drunk!

The Irish couple was making out on the sofa. "What are you thinking about?" moaned Maureen. "Same thing as you," replied Ryan. So he got up, dashed to the refrigerator, and brought back two beers!


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I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Sunday, March 7, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] March 8, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

"And the Oscar® for the Best Sight Gag goes to..." "Ah, shucks. I want to thank...the Internet..."
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2231

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

How do you know if you have Irish arthritis? You get stiff in a new joint every night!

How do we know that Adam and Eve were Irish? Because Adam looked down at Eve and said, "Oh! Hair!" And Eve looked down at Adam and said, "Oh! Tool!"


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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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