Friday, April 29, 2016

[cyberjoke3000] April 29, 2016



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Did you ever wonder what it would be like to go over a 60-foot-tall waterfall in a kayak? Where does GoPro find these guys?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dldIBtsZh_k  

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

American Schools, Then and Now: Then: Miss Smith receives an apple from an anonymous student and shows it to the other teachers. Now: Ms. Smith receives a package from an anonymous student and shows it to the bomb squad. Then: Little Johnny is caught reading Playboy. Now: The art teacher is caught posing for Playboy. Then: The nurse treats a fifth grader's first case of whooping cough. Now: The nurse treats a fifth grader's first case of morning sickness. Then: Students find mercury, lead and cobalt on the periodic table. Now: Students find mercury, lead and cobalt in the drinking water. Then: Class begins with Show and Tell. Now: Class begins with Search and Frisk. Then: A ninth-grader is caught cheating on a pop quiz. Now: A ninth-grader is caught cheating on his common-law wife.

"Doc, what's wrong with me? I see phalluses everywhere!" "Oh, that's easy: you're cock-eyed!" 

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Thursday, April 28, 2016

[cyberjoke3000] April 28, 2016



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Who can do better trick shots, ping-pong players or soccer stars? It turns out they're both pretty darn good!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GzF3QKfytFc

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

After I drink coffee, I always show my empty mug to our IT guy and tell him, "Look! I've successfully installed Java!" He hates me.

The new mother sat on the sofa holding their baby while her husband channel surfed. He stopped on an R-rated movie with a topless actress. She said, "Honey, change the channel. I don't want the baby to see this." He responded, "Oh, it's okay. He probably thinks it's the Food Network!"  

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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Tuesday, April 26, 2016

[cyberjoke3000] April 27, 2016



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Take two minutes now to watch what may well be the future of computing. This augmented reality demo was reportedly shot without any post-processing.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GmdXJy_IdNw

And here's more information about the company and the tech:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BLkFWq_ipCc 

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AL

Today's CyberJoke 3000™

I'm so tired of my friends who can't handle alcohol. Last night they dropped me three times carrying me to the car!

A first-year teacher went out to lunch with a friend. As they sat down, a nearby man asked, "Are you a teacher?" Surprised but pleased, she replied, "Why, yes, I am!" She felt good throughout the meal: she actually looked like a teacher! As she was leaving the restaurant, she just had to ask the man, "How did you know I was a teacher?" He responded, "You have chalk dust on your a$$!" 

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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Monday, April 25, 2016

[cyberjoke3000] April 26, 2016



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Vincent Rizzuto sends along the best of all the Earth Day videos I watched this year: Impressions of our Planet:
https://youtu.be/mMq1FqiM8Qc 

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Paul worked long hours. After one grueling week, his wife was pleased when she heard him say, "I should spend more time with you." She started to thank him ...until she realized he was talking to the dog!

My uncle got a vasectomy but never paid his bill. A guy from the finance company came to his house and knocked up my aunt! 

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Submit your jokes for CyberJoke 3000™ here.
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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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Sunday, April 24, 2016

[cyberjoke3000] April 25, 2016



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

I don’t know for sure but I think Prince enjoyed sight gags, too.
http://www.allowe.com/humor/sight-gags.html?PicNumber=5331 

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Unhelpful Life Hacks: Turn an old telephone book into your personal address book by crossing out the name of everyone you don't know. Fool other drivers into thinking you have a cell phone by holding an old TV remote to your ear while weaving. Quickly lose ten pounds by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers running on fast whenever you park your car. No time for a shower? Wrap yourself in duck tape and clean yourself by quickly removing it. If someone chokes on an ice cube, don't panic; just pour boiling water down their throat!

Sherwin-Williams is bringing out it new line of blonde paint: it's not too bright and it spreads easily. 

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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Thursday, April 21, 2016

[cyberjoke3000] April 22, 2016



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Bob Yetter sends along this generic campaign TV commerical, made entirely from stock footage, stock phrases, and stock language. Hilarious -- because it's true.
https://vimeo.com/160842124 

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A man asked the stationery store clerk for "a birthday/anniversary card." The clerk replied, "We have birthday cards and we have anniversary cards. Why not take one of each?" The man answered, "You don't understand. I need one card for both: it's my wife's fifth anniversary of her thirty-ninth birthday!"

"We are pleased to inform you that the biopsy of the redness on your pen¡s shows it was not cancerous. It was lipstick. We deeply regret the amputation." 

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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Wednesday, April 20, 2016

[cyberjoke3000] April 21, 2016



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Eric Schneck sends along this Atlas Obscura article that proves that dogs really can fly: fly an airplane, that is!

http://www.atlasobscura.com/articles/watch-this-video-of-a-dog-flying-a-plane 

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Why shouldn't you date a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them!

My nookie days are over.   
My pilot light is out.   
What used to be my pride and joy,      
Is now my waterspout.
           
Time was, when on its own accord,     
From my trousers it would spring.
But now it's near a fulltime job,    
Just to find the friggin' thing.  
           
It used to be embarrassing,      
The way it would behave.  
For every single morning,  
It would stand and watch me shave.    
           
Now, as old age approaches,    
It sure gives me the blues  
To see it hang its little head,    
And watch me tie my shoes! 

For a free subscription to CyberJoke 3000™
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For more humor, visit allowe.com.
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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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Tuesday, April 19, 2016

[cyberjoke3000] April 20, 2016



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Bob Yetter sends along this helpful video from 1984 that shows just how "easy" it was to send and receive an email back then! Personally, the sound of that dot matrix printer brought back lots of memories!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=szdbKz5CyhA 

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AL

Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The 911 operator heard a man say, "I'm depressed, lying on a railway track, waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah." She was subsequently fired because her innocent response was considered inappropriate: "Remain calm and stay on the line."

The English teacher asked her class the meaning of "indifferent." Little Johnny's hand shot up, but the teacher knew his propensity for vulgarity and sexual innuendo, so she waited and waited while the class fidgeted and glanced at each another. Finally, she said, "Yes, John?" "Teacher, that's means lovely." Relieved, but puzzled, she asked, "John, why do you think indifferent means lovely?" "Because last night, when I was in bed, I heard Mom tell Dad, 'That's lovely.' And Dad replied, 'Yep. It's in different'!" 

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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Monday, April 18, 2016

[cyberjoke3000] April 19, 2016



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Eric Schneck sends along this Atlas Obscura page about what is believed to be the first animated cartoon in history: "Fantasmagorie," from 1908.
http://www.atlasobscura.com/articles/fanstasmagorie-the-bobs-burgers-of-1908 

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AL

Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A woman at airport check-in said she wanted a window seat for both herself and her husband. The clerk said, "Ma'am, that would mean you won't sit together." She replied, "Sweetie, I just spent ten days of 'quality time' touring in a compact rental car with that man. I meant what I said!"

Sex with a cow isn't so bad but it does take a long walk to get a kiss! 

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For more humor, visit allowe.com.
Submit your jokes for CyberJoke 3000™ here.
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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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Sunday, April 17, 2016

[cyberjoke3000] April 18, 2016



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

You’ve still got a few hours left to pay your income taxes. Enjoy some sight gags first!
http://www.allowe.com/humor/sight-gags.html?PicNumber=5321 

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

How to Annoy a Yankee: Take your own sweet time doing anything. Pronounce all one-syllable words with at least two syllables. When giving directions, finish up with ..."and it's right on down yonder on the left." Talk real slow. Talk loudly and often about SEC football. Call every soft drink a Coke. Always order sweet tea and/or grits. Insist on being addressed by at least your first two names. Ask 'em to speak slower so you can understand ‘em. Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression;" if they say "Civil War," always respond, "There was nothing civil about it!" Address all males as "son" and all females as "li'l lady." Correct their pronunciation often, like, "pah-kahn," not "pee-can." Put Tabasco on everything. When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert and then bring a box of banana Moon Pies. Call all your children "Bubba." Use the word "reckon" in a sentence. "Mash" buttons. "Cut" off lights. "Carry" the kids to school. Never "do" anything; instead, be "a'fixin' to do" things. Tell them you don't have an accent, they do. Include "yes/no ma'am/sir" in all conversations. When giving directions, use only landmarks. Ask them if it's still snowing up there. Call 'em Yankees!

My neighbor's sexy daughter is home from college and I feel kind of dirty for looking at her. She prances around, scantily-clad, chasing her dogs around the yard -- I just can't take it! She should dress more conservatively. Or stay inside. Or maybe I should just put away my binoculars?! 

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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Friday, April 15, 2016

[cyberjoke3000] April 15, 2016



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

In honor of today's release on Netflix of season two of "The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt," here are 31 of the show's best sight gags:

http://www.tvguide.com/news/unbreakable-kimmy-schmidt-sight-gags
And 22 reasons why everyone, including me, is obsessed with this show:
http://www.tvguide.com/news/unbreakable-kimmy-schmidt-best-moments-gifs 

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AL

Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A politician was out canvassing for votes. At a farm, he spied a young man milking a cow. As he began his pitch, the young man's father came out on the back porch. "Luke, come on in the house. Who's that you're talking to?" "Says he's a politician, Pop." "Well, in that case, bring the cow in with you!"

Your Sex May Be Boring if... You ask for sex and she says, "Wait till the Nyquil kicks in." She gets upset when the ashtray falls off your ass. She actually answers when you ask, "Who's your daddy?" The last time she screamed during sex you were in another room. She only moans during commercials. She starts her fake orgasms during foreplay. She sets you up with her friends. You are currently sitting backstage at Jerry Springer. You begin to think she's only "playing" dead. During sex, she actually yells, "Oh, baby. Yada, yada, yada!" She makes you pay in advance. Her moans of delight are coming from a loop on her phone. She asks, "Are you sure you're not gay?" She shows you porn to speed you up. She asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook. She bangs her head on the headboard before you begin! 

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For more humor, visit allowe.com.
Submit your jokes for CyberJoke 3000™ here.
Send your comments and feedback here.

Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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