Tuesday, January 31, 2017

[cyberjoke3000] February 1, 2017



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Red Bull has done it again: invented the new sport of container wakeboarding without a boat. Huh? Watch this and realize: you will never do this!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhVx9qeOsMY

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AL

Today's CyberJoke 3000™

I always wanted to drown my troubles but I can't get my wife to go swimming with me!

A monastery hired a new window washer. The Abbot told him to clean every window, except for three. He did, but his curiosity got the better of him. He just had to see what was inside those three windows. Window one revealed twelve monks, their robes up, their cocks lying on a table, with a mouse running around on the table. The second window revealed a beautiful woman and a monk, screwing like mad. Inside the third window, he saw a monk, tied up and stripped to the waist, being flogged. When the window washer reached the bottom of the ladder, the Abbot was waiting for him. "I told you not to clean those three windows!" The window washer replied, "You did. Go ahead and fire me, but first, you've got to explain what I saw up there." The Abbot replied, "In the first window, you saw the competition. In the second window, you saw the winner." "But what about that third window?" The Abbot said, "Oh, him? He got caught hiding cheese in his foreskin!" 

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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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[cyberjoke3000] January 31, 2017



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Well, here's a new scam to worry about: crooks call you, ask "can you hear me?", record you saying "yes," then use that recording as "proof" that you ordered over-priced services. What scum! Learn more about it from CBS News:
http://www.cbsnews.com/news/beware-new-can-you-hear-me-scam/ 

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AL

Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A dad was playing miniature golf with his three small children on a brutally hot and humid day. I asked him, "Who's winning?" One kid responded, "I am!" Another hollered, "Me!" The third kid screamed, "No! Me! Me!" Dad, drenched in sweat, mumbled, "Their mother!"

Things Not To Say On A Date: "On second thought, let's turn the lights off." "Got any penicillin?" "When does this start feeling good?" "You're good enough you could do this for a living." "But everybody looks funny naked." " "Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?" "How long are you gonna be 'almost there'?" "Is that you I smell?" "Have you considered liposuction?" "Keep it down, Mom is a light sleeper." "This would be more fun with more people; is your brother here?" "Did I mention the webcam?" "My last boyfriend used to last a lot longer!" "And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend!" "Hope you look this good when I'm sober." "Did I mention that Aunt Martha died in this bed?" 

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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Sunday, January 29, 2017

[cyberjoke3000] January 30, 2017



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

If you’re in Seattle tonight, come by and hear me (and sixteen of my friends) play modern big band jazz at Tula’s Jazz Club in Belltown. If you’re not, have some sight gags!
http://www.allowe.com/humor/sight-gags.html?PicNumber=5731

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AL

Today's CyberJoke 3000™

When I took my four-year-old daughter to visit my mother in her nursing home, she was intrigued by the various appliances of old age: canes, walkers, wheelchairs, etc. But when she saw Mom's false teeth soaking in a glass, she whispered to me, "The tooth fairy is never gonna believe this!"

An Irishman was downing them even faster than usual. The bartender asked him, "What's wrong?" The Irishman said, "I'm drinkin' ta the memory of me wife. She was a saint. Went to church every morning. Spent all day reading scripture. Sang hymns. Filled our house with religious statues and paintings. Invited the priest to dinner three nights a week." The bartender said, "She sounds like an angel. Did the good Lord take her early?" The Irishman replied, "No. I strangled that sanctimonious bitch!" 

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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Friday, January 27, 2017

[cyberjoke3000] January 27, 2017



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Remember Matt Harding? The guy who's danced everywhere? Four years after his last dancing trip around the world, he’s done it again. Here's his latest, thanks to CyberJokester Vincent Rizzuto:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LBJi0jZR7oQ

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AL

Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A blonde wanted the latest and greatest coffeemaker, with every bell and whistle but, knowing her propensity for getting instructions mixed up, she insisted the salesman give her personal instructions on how to use her new machine. He carefully explained everything: how to plug it in; how to set the timer so she could awaken to fresh-brewed coffee, etc. A week later, she was back in the store and found the very same salesman. "So?" he smiled. "How do you like your new coffeemaker?" The blonde replied, "It's wonderful! But there's one thing I don't understand: why do I have to go to bed just to make a cup of coffee?"

One gay man approached another and asked, "How many planets are there?" The second gay man answered, "Eight." The first guy responded, "Well, tomorrow morning there'll only be seven because tonight I'm gonna destroy Uranus!" 

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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Thursday, January 26, 2017

[cyberjoke3000] January 26, 2017



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Watch as the least expensive Nissan model sold in the U.S. hits head-on the least expensive Nissan model sold in Mexico. Then be glad we have auto safety regulations!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=85OysZ_4lp0 

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AL

Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Washington Post's New Words Contest Winners: Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very high on walls. Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer. Glibido: All talk and no action. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was all your money to start with. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Two Californians, driving cross-country, Yelped for an authentic Texas dining experience, found it, and sat down. "Wadda y'all having?" asked the sweet young waitress. One Californian said, "We don't eat gluten, dairy, meat, soy, eggs, or nuts. What should we get?" The waitress replied with a smile, "Hon, you should get the f*¢k out!" 

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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Wednesday, January 25, 2017

[cyberjoke3000] January 25, 2017



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

As the world switches to renewable energy, there's a problem: balancing the electrical grid. Rotational mass keeps your lights from flickering, but renewable doesn't have that. Here's why this is a problem and how to fix it:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5uz6xOFWi4A 

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AL

Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Work Email Phrases and their Meanings: "I have a question." ("I have 18 questions.") "I'll look into it." ("I've already forgotten about it.") "I tried my best." ("I did the bare minimum.") "I'm happy to discuss it further." ("Don't ask me about it again.") "No worries." ("You screwed up big time.") "Take care." ("This is the last you'll hear from me.") "Cheers." ("I have no respect for you or myself.")

Olè and Sven were heading home after a night of drinking. As they passed Lena's house, Ole asked Sven, "'Ven, do you tink Lena wants to have sex vit' us?" Sven answered, "I donno, but I'm drunk enuf to find out. Let's go ask!" Olè knocked on Lena's front door. Lena heard them coming and knew they were drunk, so she refused to open up. She yelled through the door at him, "Olè, you're drunk. Talk to me through the keyhole." Olè bent over and asked, "Ven do ya wanna have sex vit us?" Lena was mad! She backed up to the keyhole and broke wind. Olè jerked his head away as Sven asked, "Vell, Olè? Vat did she say?" Olè answered, "Vell, I t'ink she said 'FFFFfffffrrriiddaayy,' but her breath is so bad, I ain't askin' again!" 

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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Tuesday, January 24, 2017

[cyberjoke3000] January 24, 2017



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

My long-time friend Bob Bates has just begun a Kickstarter campaign for his new game: Thaumistry: In Charm's Way. Bob is a game design master and funny, too, so I'm sure this game is going to be great! Check it out here:
http://kck.st/2kn1z9R
(If you watch the video carefully, you can even see a few seconds of me "acting!")

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AL

Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Extinct Words and Phrases: "heavens to murgatroyd," "buggy whip," "jalopy," "hunky dory," "don't touch that dial," "carbon copy," "you sound like a broken record," "hung out to dry." "moxie," "bib and tucker," "straighten up and fly right," "heavens to betsy," "gee whillikers," "jumping jehoshaphat," "holy moley," "in like Flynn," "living the life of Riley," "knucklehead," "nincompoop," "all the tea in China," "swell," "beehive hair," "pageboy," "D. A.," "spats," "knickers," "fedora," "poodle skirts," "saddle shoes," "pedal pushers," "Kilroy was here," ​"a monkey's uncle," ​"​a fine kettle of fish,​"​ "pshaw," "the milkman did it," "it's your nickel," "remember to pull the chain," "knee high to a grasshopper," "fiddlesticks," "see you in the funny papers," "wooden nickels." There are more of these than Carter has little liver pills. "See ya later, alligator!"

My latest promotion includes a free bra giveaway. Just send me a photo of your boobs so I can pick the right size! 

For a free subscription to CyberJoke 3000™
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For more humor, visit allowe.com.
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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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Sunday, January 22, 2017

[cyberjoke3000] January 23, 2017



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Presidents may come and go but it seems sight gags go on forever!
http://www.allowe.com/humor/sight-gags.html?PicNumber=5721 

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Boss vs. Worker: When I take a long time, I'm slow; when the boss takes a long time, he's thorough. When I don't do something, I'm lazy; when the boss doesn't do something, he's busy. When I do something without being told, I'm a smart-ass; when the boss does the same, he has initiative. When I please the boss, I'm brown-nosing; when my boss pleases his boss, that's co-operating. When I do well, my boss never remembers; when I do wrong, he never forgets!

I like my women like I like my whiskey: twenty years old and mixed up with coke! 

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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Thursday, January 19, 2017

[cyberjoke3000] January 20, 2017



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Jeff Katz sends along a wonderful video made with magnets, marbles, and loads of creativity!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QQ9gs-5lRKc

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AL

Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Ed and his wife went fishing in a canoe. Since it was really windy, they used an anchor to keep the canoe from drifting. When the weather took a turn for the worse, they decided to paddle back to camp. She paddled and paddled with little result. She yelled back at her husband, "Ed! This wind is so strong we're barely moving!" Then suddenly they took off. "So, Ed? Did you finally decide to paddle, too?" Ed sheepishly answered, "No. I pulled the anchor!"

A wife showed her husband a monogrammed handkerchief and asked, "Doesn't this belong to your secretary?" "Where did you find that?" he stuttered. "Oh, I didn't find it!" she declared. "The UPS guy found it on your nightstand!" 

For a free subscription to CyberJoke 3000™
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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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[cyberjoke3000] January 19, 2017



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

If you fly a lot, you'll want to read these things the airlines don't tell you!

http://www.refinery29.com/airline-secrets

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AL

Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Obviously I had crossed some line while talking with my wife, because suddenly she was steaming mad. I remembered a Dr. Phil device and calmly asked her, "How could this conversation have gone better?" She replied, "I could have had it with a different person!"

During a prolonged cold spell in North Dakota, a well-stacked blonde asked her chemistry professor, "Could tell me the, uh, that is, er, the temperature at which silicone freezes?" He responded with a grin, "Sure. If you'll show me why you ask!" 

For a free subscription to CyberJoke 3000™
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Every past issue is here.
To join, send a blank email here.
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Go here, unsubscribe your old address, then resubscribe with your new address.

To contact me
For more humor, visit allowe.com.
Submit your jokes for CyberJoke 3000™ here.
Send your comments and feedback here.

Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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