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Today's
Why do policemen have bigger balls than firemen? Because they sell more tickets!
My wife suggested I take up golf, you know: the game where you chase a ball because you're too old to chase women? I asked the club pro to teach me. He said, "Sure. Do you have balls?" "Yeah. Sometimes when they're cold, though, they're kinda hard to find." "Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow. We have to tee off in front of the clubhouse." "Not me. You can tee off there if you want to, but I usually tee off behind the barn." "No, no," he said, "a tee is a small thing about the size of your little finger." "Yeah, that's about all I got." "you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it." I asked him, "Do we play golf sitting down? I thought you played standing up." "You do. You stand while you put your balls on the tee." "Isn't that stretching things a little too far?" He said, "No. Do you have a bag?" "Sure." "Are your balls in it?" "Yeah." "Well, open the bag and take one out." I told him, "I suppose I could, but I ain't!" "Does your bag have a zipper?" "No, I'm old-fashioned." "Do you know how to hold your club?" "At my age, I've got a good idea." He started, "Take your club in both hands..." and that's when I knew he didn't know what he was talking about. Then he said, "Sling it over your left shoulder..." "Oh, no! You must be thinking of my brother!" "What? How do you hold your club?" I said, "With two fingers." He looked confused, walked behind me, and put his arms around me. "Bend over and I'll show you how." Hey, man, I didn't spend four years in the Navy for nothing! He said, "Hit the ball with your club and it will soar and soar." I bet it would be! "And then, when you're on the green..." "What's a green?" "That's where the hole is." "Are you sure you're not color blind?" "No, no. Then you grab your putter..." "What's a putter?" "That's the smallest club." "That's what I've got: a putter." "And you use your putter to knock it into the hole." I asked, "'It being my putter?" "No, your ball. The hole isn't big enough for both the ball and the putter, too." Hell, I've seen holes big enough for a wagon and a mule team! "Then, after you make the first hole, you do the same thing seventeen more times." He couldn't have meant me. Hell, after two holes, I'm shot. I told him, "Eighteen holes in one day? Hell, it takes me eighteen days to get one hole!"
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