Joke For All: February 2010

Sunday, February 28, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] March 1, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Got a little Olympic hangover this morning? Here's your cure:
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2221

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The worried housewife answered the telephone to hear a kindly voice. "How are you, darling?" she heard. "Are you having a good day?" "Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into tears. "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat, the washing machine broke, I twisted my ankle, and I really need to go grocery shopping before we have two other couples over for a dinner party tonight." "Oh, darling," said the sympathetic voice, "sit down, relax, close your eyes and I'll be over in a half hour. I'll feed the baby, do your shopping, clean the house, and cook dinner for your guests. On the way over, I'll call my repairman to fix your washer. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him to come home and help you out for a change!" "George? Who's George?" "Why, George, your husband! Mary?" "No, this is not Mary!" "Oh, no. I'm so sorry. I must have the wrong number." There was a short pause because the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"

How is a hockey game different from a class reunion? The hockey game has fast pucks...

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Friday, February 26, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] February 26, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

US News & World Report used the occasion of Apple's iPad announcement to cite the 10 Biggest Tech Flops of the 21st Century. How many did you buy?
http://tinyurl.com/y9fpxfh

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The woman had obviously been beaten black and blue. The doctor asked her what happened. She said, "Every time my husband comes home drunk, he beats me to a pulp." The doctor said, "Next time, try this: when you hear him coming, gargle a glass of chamomile tea, and keep gargling until he's asleep." A month later she returned looking good as new. "Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Now when he comes home drunk, I gargle with chamomile tea and he never touches me." The doctor replied, "See? Sometimes it helps to keep your mouth shut!"

The new minister woke up early one Sunday morning, got his wife the Sunday papers, her cup of tea, and her cigarettes and left her, relaxing in bed while he took his morning constitutional. One crusty old codger passed him on the sidewalk and said, "Good morning, pastor. How be you and the wife?" The minister replied, "Good morning, good man. I am fine and my wife is also fine as I left her in bed, smoking." The old coot said, "Arr, pastor. That's the way to f*¢k 'em!"

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Wednesday, February 24, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] February 25, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Surely you've seen those photos where they switch a man's head with his son's head in Photoshop? You haven't? Now you have no excuse. Here are "25 Man Babies!"
http://www.holytaco.com/25-man-babies

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Jesus went to Finkelstein the Tailor for a new robe. When the robe was done, he tried it on and it was a perfect fit. "How much do I owe you, Finkelstein?" Finkelstein replied, "No, no. For the Son of God, no charge! But may I ask a small favor? When you preach, could you mention that your robe was made by Finkelstein the Tailor?" Jesus agreed and began extolling his robe's virtues whenever he spoke. The next time Jesus passed Finkelstein's shop, he noticed a long line of customers. Finkelstein spotted him and said, "Jesus, look what you've done for business! Would you consider a partnership?" "Sure," said Jesus. "How about 'Jesus & Finkelstein'?" "Uh, no, how about 'Finkelstein & Jesus'? After all, I am the craftsman." They debated for a time until they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise. Thus, a few days later, a new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop: "Lord & Taylor."

The beautiful female salesgirl greeted a male customer, "Good afternoon, sir. What is it you desire?" The man looked her over and replied, "What I desire is to whisk you out of here, get a hotel room, mix up some drinks, put on some soft music, and make passionate love to you all day. What I need is some new underwear!"

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[cyberjoke3000] February 24, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Playboy.com journalist Mike Guy bet he could endure 15 seconds of waterboarding by a trained member of the U.S. military. Who couldn't stand 15 seconds of anything, knowing that they're not going to let you die? Watch the results:
http://tinyurl.com/ck395c

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The newlyweds were planning their family. She said she wanted three children. He said he two was enough. The argument got heated so he decided to end it by saying boldly, "Well, then, after our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy." Without hesitating, she retorted, "Then I hope you'll love our third child as if it's your own!"

Jon left for a two-day business trip and was halfway to the airport when he realized he had left his plane ticket at home. He turned around, drove back home, quietly entered, walked into the kitchen and found his wife washing the breakfast dishes in her skimpiest negligee. She looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached around, and squeezed her breasts. "Jon won't be here so just leave one quart of milk today!"

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Tuesday, February 23, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] February 23, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Patrick sends along this web site that lists (what it considers) the Best Online Flash Games. All are free to try, although many have better versions you can pay for.
http://www.techcult.com/the-150-best-online-flash-games/

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A flock of sheep romped about a field, happily "baa-baa-ing" each other, discussing life as usual, when they suddenly heard a "moo-moo." They all looked around, but saw only sheep. A few minutes later, there was another "moo-moo." Sammie knew it was the sheep right next to him. "Georgie," he said, "why are you mooing? You're a sheep. Sheep don't moo." Georgie replied, "Hey, man. I'm tryin' to learn a foreign language!"

Suzi told her husband Sam that she was going on a vacation with a girlfriend, but instead she went with her wealthy lover, who rewarded her with a full-length mink coat. She couldn't bring the coat home, so she got a plan: she pawned the coat and then showed Sam the ticket. "Look what I found today, Sam: a pawn ticket. I wonder what it's for? Would you mind going by the pawn shop tomorrow and find out what was pawned?" Sam agreed. The next day, he returned home and gave his wife a ten-year-old Timex watch. What could she say? But that weekend, Sam's secretary sported a full-length mink coat!

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Sunday, February 21, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] February 22, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Today is George Washington's birthday. I bet a few sight gags would set those wooden teeth to laughing!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2211

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

I finally realized, as the hot dog vendor went on and on about how he liked to "caress each bun with mustard" and "tease it with dabs of relish," that I was growing uncomfortable with his frank talk.

A father was concerned about his thirteen-year-old son's preoccupation with breasts. He repeatedly pointed at attractive women and said, "Hey, Dad. Look at her knockers!" It got so bad, that Dad finally took him to a psychiatrist, who assured him that, with just one day of intensive therapy, he could cure the boy's problem. When Dad picked him up after the session, they walked several blocks to a bus stop and passed several beautiful women without a word. As they sat down on the bus, Dad was mentally complimenting the psychiatrist when his son whispered, "Hey, Dad. Look at the a$$ on that bus driver!"

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Friday, February 19, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] February 19, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Jim Miley sends along the incredible modeling skills of Michael Paul Smith, who creates model cars and buildings that defy the eye. My only objection? Why isn't he into model railroading?
http://tinyurl.com/yatvmg4

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Eight-year-old Little Johnny walked into a bar, climbed up on a stool, and told the barmaid, "Gimme a double whiskey." She just stared at him. "What you trying to do, get me in trouble?" Little Johnny replied, "Maybe later, but for now, just bring me a double!"

Why are men so concerned about pen¡s size? Because they should be!

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Thursday, February 18, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] February 18, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Stalepie sends along two interesting videos: one short and interesting, the other longer but gasp-inducing. First, look at Lego's new packaging:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PGu0N3eL2D0
and then marvel at what's coming in Bing Maps:
http://www.ted.com/talks/blaise_aguera.html

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

At the funeral, the preacher spoke at length of the deceased's good traits. "He was an honest man, a loving husband, a kind father, generous..." etc., etc. Finally, his widow leaned over and whispered to their children, "One of you go up there and look in the coffin. I want to make sure we're at the right funeral!"

What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck? They both raise livestock ...but the redneck is emotionally involved!

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Wednesday, February 17, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] February 17, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Chris Edmonds sends along a follow-up to yesterday's Google Maps link of Pompeii. Here the Google Street View car is followed by two men on foot, wearing SCUBA gear. Use the map arrows to see the chase unfold.
http://tinyurl.com/ya486n5

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

An elderly couple, celebrating their sixtieth wedding anniversary, decided to visit their old high school where they first fell in love. Walking back home, a bag of money dropped from an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally picked it up and, unsure what to do with it, carried it home. They counted the money -- fifty thousand dollars! Andy said, "We've got to give it back." Sally said, "Why? Finders keepers." She hid the bag in their attic. The next day, two police officers canvassing the neighborhood knocked on their door. "Pardon me, but did either of you find the bag of money that fell out of the armored car yesterday?" Sally said, "No." Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it in the attic." Sally said, "Don't believe him; he's senile." The agents asked Andy, "Tell us the whole story, from the very beginning." Andy began, "Well, yesterday, as Sally and I were walking home from school..." One officer turned to the other and said, "That's it; we're outta here!"

I believe that deep down each of us wants acceptance...especially by attractive, rich young models with an unquenchable desire for kinky sex!

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Tuesday, February 16, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] February 16, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

You probably use Google maps and know about its Street View, but did ever walk around the Ruins of Pompeii? Drag the yellow stickman onto the map. Drag on the photos to turn around. Follow the lines to move or move the stickman. Amazing.
http://tinyurl.com/ygysaxy

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

My niece's class assignment was to interview a senior citizen. She asked me, "What was the biggest historical event that happened during your life?" I replied, "Easy. The moonwalk." She looked disappointed. "That dance was that important to you?"

The new bride wanted to be sure she was doing everything properly, so at confession one Saturday evening, she asked her priest, "Father, is it all right to have intercourse before communion?" "Surely, my dear. As long as we don't make too much noise!"

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Monday, February 15, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] February 15, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

All Canadian gold medalists who won in Canada love sight gags (or I'm sure Alexandre Bilodeau would if he ever visited my site! <grin>):
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2201

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The science teacher explained latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes and then asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?" After a long silence, a soft voice in the back of the class volunteered, "I think you'll be eating alone!"

Jon picked up a sweet young thing at the bar and took her back to his hotel room, not knowing she was a nymphomaniac. After their eighth go, he told her he just had to get a pack of cigarettes. On his way out, he stopped at the men's room in the lobby. Standing before the urinal, he unzipped and felt a moment of panic when he couldn't find it. After fishing around a little, he finally found it and said, "Look, it's okay. You can come out now. She's not here!"

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Thursday, February 11, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] February 12, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Lester Perkins hosts "Jazz on the Tube," a daily email with a link to a different jazz video each morning. If you like jazz, you're going to love this. Here's a recent sample day, Sonny Stitt's birthday:
http://tinyurl.com/yzxlnvb

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

There was a knock at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter came out, began to interview a man, when suddenly, the man disappeared. A few minutes later, the same man knocked again. Saint Peter again started his interview, but again the man disappeared. A few minutes later, the same man knocked a third time. This time Saint Peter was skeptical. "Are you playing games with me?" he asked the man. "No," said the man. "They keep resuscitating me!"

An interviewer asked Liberace, "What's your favorite song?" He answered, "I Never Made Love to a Mocking Bird, But I Have Kissed a Cock-a-too!"

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[cyberjoke3000] February 11, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Mitch sends along this page on Amazon.com's site that ostensibly sells a (really expensive) gallon of milk(!) but, for some reason, has drawn thousands of comments, many of which are incredible literate and witty. Don't miss the user-submitted photos.
http://tinyurl.com/5bg2h2

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

My wife sent me to the grocery store for organic vegetables, but not wanting to drive to our usual store, I just stopped at the corner market. They didn't seem to carry organic produce, so I found the manager. "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?" He looked at me and replied, "Nope. You're gonna have to do that yourself!"

"I had a date last night with Siamese twins." "Wow. Did you have a good time?" "Well, yes and no!"

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Tuesday, February 9, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] February 10, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Anders Gjerde sends along this helpful YouTube tip: If you want to send someone a link to a video but skip the first 3 minutes and 59 seconds of it, append #t=3m59s to the URL. Here's an example where I mention Arthur B. Laffer (who is oddly related to Larry):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iaxIMETrkrU#t=3m59s

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

At a recent PC user's group meeting, the speaker was ready to begin his demonstration of his company's latest speech-recognition software. As the room quieted down, one wag yelled, "Start run c – m - d enter format C colon Return." Another chimed in, "Yes. Return." Unfortunately, his software worked.

What is red with a small green dent? Miss Piggy's hymen.

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Monday, February 8, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] February 9, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Just in case you missed some, here are all the Super Bowl ads from Sunday's game. Surprisingly to me, the Huffington Post (of all sites!) seems to have the most convenient interface:
http://tinyurl.com/ygeavq7

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Did you hear about the paranoid optimist? He believes somebody is out to get him ...a really nice gift.

Three Catholic men were talking. The first said, "My son is a priest; when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The man piped in, "My son is a bishop; when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Your Grace'." The third man smiled. "My daughter is 6 feet tall with 38D breasts, a 24-inch waist, and 34-inch hips. When she walks into a room, everyone says, 'Oh, my God!' "

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[cyberjoke3000] February 8, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Here's a "Super" idea: cure your morning after hangover with some sight gags!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2191

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The blonde patient was adamant. "Doc, I need a liver transplant, a kidney transplant, a heart transplant, a cornea transplant, a spleen transplant, a pancreas trans..." "Whoa. Just a minute. What makes you think you need all these?" "Well," said the blonde, "my boss said, if I want to keep my job, I've got to get reorganized!"

A Detroit kindergarten teacher asked, "Class, what sound does a pig make?" Little Johnny stood up, pointed his finger, and yelled, "Freeze, muthafucka!"

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Thursday, February 4, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] February 5, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

It's tough to find fresh Super Bowl jokes; here's the best two I saw this year. Here's hoping there are some good commercials this year!

David Martin shot a time lapse video from his apartment balcony with a cheap video camera... not a big deal, but in his case, his apartment overlooked the Hudson River exactly where the Airbus 320 ended up after landing safely a year ago. He recently posted the footage. Well worth the watch.
http://www.flixxy.com/airbus-a320-jet-recovery-time-lapse.htm

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The linebacker down, the team physician raced to his side. "Doc, check my leg. Something's wrong. Put your ear to my thigh. You'll hear it." The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear a small voice say, "Gimme twenty bucks. I need twenty bucks." "That's weird," exclaimed the doctor. "That's nothing, Doc. Listen to my knee." The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard, "Man, I really need fifty bucks. Lend me fifty bucks!" The doctor was dumbfounded. "I don't know what to say. In all my years of practice, I've never come across anything like this." "Doc, that's not all. There's more. Listen to my ankle." The doctor did so and heard his ankle plea, "Please, I gotta get a hundred bucks. A hundred bucks. Now!" The doctor smiled. "Ah, now I understand. Based on my previous experience, it's obvious: your leg is broke in three places!"

The animal kingdom decided to hold its own Super Bowl, with the big animals against the little animals. As expected, by halftime the big animals were crushing the little animals, so the smalls' coach made a passionate speech to rally them. At the start of the second half, when the big animals got the ball, the elephant was stopped for no gain. On the second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. And on third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss. Coach was ecstatic! The team huddled around him as he asked, "Who stopped the elephant?" "I did," said the centipede. "Who stopped the rhino?" "That was me, too," said the centipede. "And who hit that hippo for a loss?" "Me, coach!" said the centipede. "So where were you the first half?" asked the coach. The centipede replied, "Getting my ankles taped!"

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Wednesday, February 3, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] February 4, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CNN took a 360° video camera to Haiti and shot 5 videos that show the situation there in a way I've never seen before. You can pan, zoom, tilt, look left and right, up and down--it really is like being there. Watch all five:
http://www.cnn.com/interactive/2010/01/world/haiti.360/index.html

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A while back, I entered a contest and won some swamp land on the flood plain. Soon after, I won a half-million dollars, so I built a nice house on my new land. Last week, I won the Powerball, so I quit my job and moved there for good. Last night, as I sat on my new porch watching the rain pouring down, it all started to sink in.

"We've been married so long, we only have ABC sex." "ABC sex? What's that?" "That means we only do it on anniversaries, birthdays and Christmas!"

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Joke For All

Sunday, February 28, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] March 1, 2010

Friday, February 26, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] February 26, 2010

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] February 25, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] February 24, 2010

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] February 23, 2010

Sunday, February 21, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] February 22, 2010

Friday, February 19, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] February 19, 2010

Thursday, February 18, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] February 18, 2010

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] February 17, 2010

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] February 16, 2010

Monday, February 15, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] February 15, 2010

Thursday, February 11, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] February 12, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] February 11, 2010

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] February 10, 2010

Monday, February 8, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] February 9, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] February 8, 2010

Thursday, February 4, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] February 5, 2010

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] February 4, 2010

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