Thursday, July 31, 2014

[cyberjoke3000] August 1, 2014



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

I've installed a few hinges in my day, but at least the cabinets didn't bleed! Not for the faint of heart, here's a video of a total knee replacement surgery from the perspective of the surgeon's forehead. I found it fascinating.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bGOspdD25Dw 

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Two blokes entered a strange pub and asked the barkeep to settle an argument for them. "Are there two or four pints in a quart?" they asked. "Two pints in a quart," he confirmed. They then moved to a table and, when the waitress asked for their order, told her, "Two pints, please, miss and the bartender's payin'." She looked skeptical. "That cheap bastard? That'd be a first!" One guy yelled to the bartender, "You did say 'two pints,' didn't you?" And the bartender replied, "That's right: two pints!"

 

Three women were throwing back a few drinks and talking about sex. The first woman said, "I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like him." The second woman said, "I call my husband the miner because he has an incredible shaft." The third woman said nothing. "So? What do you call your husband?" She finally said, "I call him the postman because he delivers late and half the time it's in the wrong box!" 

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[cyberjoke3000] July 31, 2014



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Doug Howard sends along these 29 high-quality satellite images that may change your perspective on planet Earth.
http://bit.ly/1pa9fut

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A C-141, preparing to depart from Thule, Greenland, was waiting for the sewage truck to pump out the aircraft's holding tank. The truck was late and the airman working the job was extremely slow. Finally the aircraft commander berated the airman and promised punishment. The airman responded, "Sir, I have no stripes, and I pump sh¡t out of airplanes in Thule, Greenland at 20 below zero. Exactly how can you punish me?!"

 

What has a lot of balls and screws old ladies? A bingo machine! 

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Tuesday, July 29, 2014

[cyberjoke3000] July 30, 2014



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Sure, your cell phone tells you the correct time for free and with accuracy unknown a century ago, but a wristwatch tells others about you. Take this "Look Over A Watchmaker's Shoulders."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UwpP_s8LV_Y 

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

My life sucks. I loaned a guy ten grand so he could get plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like!

 

Grandpa showed Little Johnny around the farm and, when they came to the corral, they saw two cows mating. "Now, Little Johnny, that's a bull and that's a cow and he's serving her." Later, they saw two horses mating. "Little Johnny, that's a stud and that's a mare and he's serving her." That night at dinner, Grandma asked Grandpa, "Will you please serve the turkey?" Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "If he does, I'm headin' for McDonald's!" 

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Monday, July 28, 2014

[cyberjoke3000] July 29, 2014



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

The First World War began exactly one hundred years ago yesterday, on 28 July 1914. It lasted for four years, until November 11, 1918, now celebrated in the U.S. as Veterans Day. This Smithsonian.com photo essay shows evidence of its battles still visible today:

http://bit.ly/1AsKYoy 

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Human Resource Management: Put a prospective employee in a room with only a table and two chairs and leave them there for two hours, with no instruction. When their time is up, see what they're doing. If they took the table apart, assign them to Engineering. If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance. If they are busy writing up the experiment, assign them to Tech Documents. If they are waving their arms and yelling, assign them to Consulting. If they don't notice that you returned, assign them to Security. If they are talking to the chairs, assign them to Personnel. If the room smells bad, assign them to Information Technology. If they tell you it's not as bad as it looks, assign them to Marketing. If they mention that hardwood furniture does not come from rainforests, assign them to Public Relations. If they are asleep, make them Managers.

 

A construction worker told his buddy, "I can't wait to get home and get my wife's panties off!" The buddy asked, "Why? What's your rush?" "The damn elastic in the legs is killing me!" 

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I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Sunday, July 27, 2014

[cyberjoke3000] July 28, 2014



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

How about ten new “Safety First” sight gags?
http://www.allowe.com/humor/sight-gags.html?PicNumber=4421 

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Why did the manic-depressive cross the road? Who cares? What does any of it matter?

 

Rejected Fairy Tale Lines: "Once upon a time, there was a handsome prince from the magical land of Nantucket who had a trusty broadsword so large that..." "And then the Frog said to Princess Elspeth, 'What, no tongue?' " "So the party of the first part and the party of the second part lived happily, and legally, ever after." "The wicked surrogate mother convinced the biological parents to leave the frozen embryos in the forest, so she could conduct stem-cell research." "Cinderella demanded, 'Dude, where's my coach?' " "Goldilocks accused the three bears of negligence, claiming that leaving scalding porridge where it could easily be stolen led directly to her third-degree tongue burns." "Yes, Your Highness, it's a very nice slipper, but do you have something with a higher heel?" "Not by the hair of my crotchety-crotch-crotch!" "Sleeping Beauty awoke from her 100-year slumber, sat up, and told the prince, "Dude, NyQuil is awesome!" "And that night, after the princess told him she was going to have his child, the prince put out to sea, vowing never to return." "And the prince did slay the mighty dragon, but knights from the far-away land of PETA did hound him the rest of his days." "Hey, Mr. Building Inspector! If you don't like my straw architecture, you can blow me!" "And then Mama Bear said, 'Somebody has been using my, uh, magical vibrating wand, ah, and my batteries are dead!' " 

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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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Friday, July 25, 2014

[cyberjoke3000] July 25, 2014



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

I thought I knew a lot about YouTube but Evan Dashevsky of PCmag taught me a lot in his recent article (in spite of its punny title), "13 YouTube Tricks for True PowerYOUsers," e.g., did you know you can watch slow-paced videos at double-speed?

http://bit.ly/1A7SV2k 

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AL

Today's CyberJoke 3000™

After years of analysis, a psychiatrist asked her multiple-personality patient, "So? Do you feel like you're cured?" She replied, "Absolutely. We've never felt better!"

 

A man told his waiter, "I'd like to buy a bottle of your finest wine for those two beautiful women at the next table." The waiter replied, "Look, mate. They're lesbians. You're not going to get anywhere with them." The man insisted, so the waiter shrugged and said, "It's your money. I warned you." One girl came over to his table to thank him. "Oh, it's okay," he smiled. "Anything for two beautiful women." "Right," she said. "So, do you fancy my friend?" "I sure do!" he replied. "Would you like to smell her pussy?" she asked. He grinned. "I sure would!" So she breathed on him! 

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I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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Thursday, July 24, 2014

[cyberjoke3000] July 24, 2014



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

If you are ever drunk enough at a comedy club to think you could go on-stage and do better, remember this video and don't!

http://digg.com/video/this-is-why-you-dont-heckle-a-comic

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Two Scottish men were chatting. One pulled out an expensive pocket watch to check the time. "That's a fine watch you've got there!" says the other. "Yeah, it is, isn't it? I got it from my grandfather." "Really? That's nice." "Yeah, he sold it to me on his deathbed!"

 

Fred pulled his convertible to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road. His pretty, but reluctant, date said, "I suppose you're going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine." Fred said, "No, I'm going to pull the old 'here after' routine." " 'Here after' routine? What's that?" "If you're not 'here after' what I'm 'here after,' you'll be 'here after' I'm gone!" 

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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Tuesday, July 22, 2014

[cyberjoke3000] July 23, 2014



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Anyone alive 45 years ago today remembers (as I do) exactly where they were when men first landed on the moon. Buzz Aldrin, the junior member of the Apollo 11 crew, recently held an "Ask Me Anyhing" on Reddit. It's fascinating reading:

http://bit.ly/VZcjPD

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AL

Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A businessman walked into another businessman's office and found him looking sad. "What's wrong, Bob?" he asked. "Oh, it's my wife. She hired me a new secretary." "So? Is she blonde or brunette?" "Neither. He's bald!"

 

A man driving down a country road hit a rooster, which disappeared under his car in a cloud of feathers. He did the right thing: he pulled into the nearest farmhouse and confessed. "I think I killed your rooster. I'd like to replace him." The farmer looked surprised. "Suit yourself. The hens are 'round back." 

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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[cyberjoke3000] July 22, 2014



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

This webpage's name says it all: "Take me to another useless website, please." Polite. And a perfect way to kill time before the boss arrives.
http://www.theuselessweb.com  

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The visiting minister passed the hat through the church congregation, but it came back to him empty. The minister slowly inverted the hat, shook it, and then raised his eyes heavenward. "Thank you, dear Lord, for returning my hat from this congregation!"

 

Little Johnny drew a fly on Miss Baker's grade book. It was so realistic that she slammed it with a ruler. When the fly didn't move, she hit it again. But the fly didn't move. She pounded that grade book until it was torn to shreds. When the class finally laughed out loud, she realized she'd been had. She summoned Little Johnny's father to school. "See this? This is what your son did to my grade book!" John's father replied, "That's nothing, Miss Baker. Last month, he drew a naked woman on our back fence and it took me a day to get the splinters out of my dick!"

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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Monday, July 21, 2014

[cyberjoke3000] July 21, 2014



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

With all the trouble in the world last week, a few sight gags this morning wouldn’t hurt you:
http://www.allowe.com/humor/sight-gags.html?PicNumber=4411 

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Little Johnny insisted his mother pin a red bath towel to his T-shirt so, in his imagination, he could become Superman. His summer vacation was full of adventure and daring. When fall came, Little Johnny started kindergarten. His teacher asked his name. "I'm Superman," he answered. The teacher smiled and looked at Little Johnny's mother. "Your real name, please." Again, Little Johnny answered, "Superman." Realizing the situation required a little more authority, the teacher used her sternest voice. "I must have your real name for my records." Little Johnny carefully looked around, leaned in, and quietly said, "Clark Kent!"

 

A hillbilly took his daughter to the gynecologist. The doctor asked, "Why are you here?" The father answered, "I wanna get mah daughter some o' dem birth control pills." "Is she sexually active?" "Nah, not really. She purty much just lays there like her mother!" 

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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Friday, July 18, 2014

[cyberjoke3000] July 18, 2014



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Wallace Krebs sends along this time-lapse video of how to stretch a cruise ship 90' in dry dock.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mwG7z_aowKw 

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A nervous flyer was airborne when the cabin lights started to flicker. He mentioned it to a flight attendant, who said, "I'll take care of it." Moments later, the lights went out completely. Clearly she'd solved the problem by turning off the lights. The passenger beside him leaned over and said, "Whatever you do, please don't ask about the engines!"

 

My redneck neighbor yelled over the fence, "Hey dude! We're having a great party over here. Why doncha come over?" I told him, "Man, I'm not feeling good. I think I'm gonna stay right here." "What's wrong?" "I got a case of diarrhea." He yelled back, "Well, sheet -- bring it along. These fools'll drink anything!" 

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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