Joke For All: February 2009

Friday, February 27, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] February 27, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Speaking of stopping advertising, why do you still see ads while browsing? Switch to Firefox (and it's also more secure than IE):
http://www.Firefox.com
and then download AdBlock Plus to stop most ads (you can click on their empty box if you just have to see one):
https://addons.mozilla.org/en-US/firefox/addon/1865
And get NoScript, too. It prevents JavaScript code from executing at web sites, eliminating annoyances and sometimes "drive-by" viruses. If you want scripts to run at a site, a quick click allows it and NoScript remembers your preference at each site:
https://addons.mozilla.org/en-US/firefox/addon/722

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Luke's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After applying the "miracle" products, she asked him, "Darling, what age would you say I am?" Luke looked her over carefully and then said, "Judging from your skin, twenty. Judging from your hair, eighteen. Judging from your figure, twenty-five." "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. "Hang on!" Luke interrupted. "Let me finish adding them up!"

Little Johnny was playing in the backyard when some honeybees started annoying him. He tried to stomp on them, but his father reprimanded him, saying, "Stop that, John! Now you'll get no honey for a month!" Later, Little Johnny caught some butterflies and started torturing them. His father yelled, "Stop that, John! Now you'll get no butter for a month!" That evening, as Little Johnny's mother prepared dinner, a cockroach scurried across the kitchen floor. She stomped it dead. Little Johnny looked at his father and asked, "You gonna tell her or should I?"

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I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.

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Wednesday, February 25, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] February 26, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

After cleaning up your mailbox (yesterday), don't forget about your phone. Go to the Do Not Call registry and register your home and cell phone numbers to reduce telemarketing calls. I did this years ago and it's helped a lot (but not entirely).
http://DoNotCall.gov

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician were on a Canadian train. Looking out the window, they saw a black sheep standing alone in a field. The engineer said, "Look: all Canadian sheep are black!" The physicist groaned and said, "No, we can only say that some Canadian sheep are black." The mathematician scoffed, "No, all we can truly say is that in Canada there is one sheep which is black... on one side!"

A cannibal father and son went hunting. Deep in the jungle, they hid beside a trail. Soon, a little old man walked by. The son whispered, "Dad! There's one. Let's get him!" "No," said his father. "Not enough meat. We wait." Later, a fat man came along. "Dad! He's huge. Let's get him!" "No," his father said. "We'd all have heart attacks from all the fat in him. We wait." Hour later, an absolutely gorgeous woman approached. "Dad! There's nothing wrong with that one. Let's eat her." "No," said his father. "We'll not eat her either." "Why not?" "We'll take her home alive and eat your mother!"

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Tuesday, February 24, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] February 25, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Want to reduce the number of credit card and insurance offers in your mailbox? The three consumer credit reporting companies will help you. Call (888) 5OptOut or go to:
http://www.OptOutPrescreen.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Denny's is offering a new breakfast meal to honor the octuplets' mother: the OctoSlam has fourteen eggs, no sausage, and the other diners pay your bill!

A young gay man's friends intervened to help his problem drinking. He got involved with AA and after much struggle was clean and sober for a year. To celebrate, he held a small dinner party for his friends who were quite proud of him. He swore then and there to use the same techniques to stop smoking. A year later, he held another party to celebrate being tobacco free. Again, his friends were amazed at his good health. A year later, he hosted another party to announce, "I'm no longer gay." All his friends, both gay and straight, were amazed. "How have you managed to change your life so drastically?" "Did you use the same techniques you did when you stopped drinking and smoking?" "Was it a change of lifestyle?" "Was it religious?" He quieted them all and said, "Oh, nothing so drastic. It's just that, after I quit smoking, everything tasted different!"

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Monday, February 23, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] February 24, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Want to unclog your mailbox? The Direct Marketing Association promises to reduce the flow of magazines, catalogs, credit cards and other solicitations if you fill out a form here:
http://www.DMAchoice.org

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician were shown a pasture with a large herd of sheep, and asked to enclose them with the smallest possible fence. The engineer made a square fence around the sheep, declaring it to be the simplest to build. The physicist created a circular fence around the sheep, arguing that the circle gives the maximum area for a given length of fence. The mathematician built a fence around himself and defined himself to be on the outside!

On their wedding night, Paddy came out of the bathroom to find his new bride lying spread-eagle on the bed. She sexily purred, "Do you know what I want, Paddy?" Paddy frowned. "Looks like the whole friggin' bed!"

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[cyberjoke3000] February 23, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

"On behalf of the Academy, I'm proud to announce that the winner of the best Sight Gag goes to:"
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=1701

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

While human beings have vast varieties of age, gender, religion, wealth, and ethnicity, be thankful that deep down inside we each believe that we are an above-average driver!

A priest lived at a small rural parish with several nuns. One day, an older nun noticed that the church rugs were frayed. She told the priest, "Father, I believe your rugs need to be replaced." "Thank you for bringing it to my attention, Sister Sally, but you've been here long enough to refer to church property as 'ours' instead of 'yours.' " Sometime later, Sister Sally noticed the hedge needed trimming. She again told the priest, "Father, your, I mean, our hedge needs trimming." "Thank you, Sister Sally. And thank you for remembering to say 'our.' But have you seen my watch? I've misplaced it somewhere." "No," said Sister Sally, "but I'll look for it." Some days later, just as the bishop arrived for his annual visit, Sister Sally came down the front stairs crying, "Father! I found your watch!" The bishop said, "How wonderful, my child. And where did you find it?" "Oh, hello. I found it under our bed!"

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Friday, February 20, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] February 20, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Not playing enough World of Warcraft lately? Perhaps it's time for an intervention?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GpkQSB_h5lY

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The colonel had one First Lieutenant slot available, but three Second Lieutenants eligible for promotion. He called the first candidate into his office and said, "If I told you that I wanted a flag pole erected in front of Headquarters by 1700, what would you do?" The Lieutenant thought a moment and then responded, "Sir! I would get a shovel, head for HQ, and start digging!" "You're not ready to be promoted," said the Colonel. He then asked the next candidate the same question. "Sir! I would fill out a CE work order, make provisions for appropriate environmental studies, and..." "You are definitely not ready to be promoted," said the Colonel. He asked the final candidate, who immediately responded, "Sir, I would call the First Sergeant, and say, 'Top, I want a @#$#@ flag pole in front of HQ by 1600!" The Colonel barked, "You're ready to be promoted!"

A preacher attended a seminar and heard a well-known motivational speaker say, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!" Those attending were shocked! But he followed up with "...my mother!" The crowd laughed and the rest of his speech was well received. The following Sunday, the preacher thought he'd start off his sermon with the same line. He began with, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!" His congregation gasped, just as the preacher realized he had forgotten the joke's punch line! He stood there for the longest time, trying to remember it, but finally just ended with "...and I can't remember who she was!"

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Wednesday, February 18, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] February 19, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Rick Hochman sends along a fun web site, "Old Jews Telling Jokes," which surely wins the Truth in Packaging Award, if nothing else. These guys are good. (Don't miss the other jokes on the left nav bar.)
http://www.oldjewstellingjokes.com/2009/01/larry-donsky-mccoy.html

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The Joys(?) of English: When you write copy, you have the right to copyright the copy you write, if the copy is right. If, however, your copy falls over, you must right your copy. If you write religious services, you write rite and have the right to copyright the rite you write. Conservative people write right copy and have the right to copyright the right copy they write. A right wing cleric would write right rite and has the right to copyright the right rite he has the right to write. His editor has the job of making the right rite copy right before the copyright can be right. Should Thomas Wright decide to write right rite, then Wright would write right rite, which Wright has the right to copyright. Duplicating that rite would copy Wright's right rite and violate copyright, which Wright would have the right to right. Is that about right?

"Children, please name a medicine and what it is used for," said Mrs. Johnson. The first student said, "Tylenol." "Very good! And what is Tylenol used for?" "It's for headaches." "Excellent. Anyone else?" Another pupil said, "Nytol." "Excellent. And what is Nytol used for?" "It helps you go to sleep." "That's right. Johnny? Do you know a medicine?" Little Johnny thought a moment and then said, "Viagra." "Uh, okay, Johnny. What is Viagra used for?" "I think it's for diarrhea." "Diarrhea? Who told you that?" "No one, but the other night I heard my mom tell my dad, 'Take a Viagra and maybe that little sh¡t will get harder!' "

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Tuesday, February 17, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] February 18, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Al Johnson sends along this cool T-Mobile long-form commercial filmed live during rush hour in London's Liverpool Street train station. I defy you to watch this without smiling:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VQ3d3KigPQM
And here's "the making of" video, which is quite interesting:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uVFNM8f9WnI

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

An Irishman walking along the beach found a bottle lying in the sand. He picked it up, brushed it off, and out popped a genie. "Since you have freed me from this bottle, I will grant you three wishes." The Irishman thought a moment and said, "I'm feeling a might thirsty. I think I'll wish for a pint of stout." And poof! there was a pint of stout in his hand. He drank it down and started to toss the bottle away, when the genie said, "Look at that bottle before you throw it away." He did and watched as it magically refilled itself with stout. "That's a magic bottle. It will refill itself whenever you empty it. So what are your other wishes?" The Irishman grinned. "I'll be taking two more of these!"

A man was drinking in a bar with a very sexy bartender. They started chatting and he made her a bet, "I bet I can keep my eye on this drink while I go to the bathroom" as he lay a ten dollar bill on the bar. She knew the bathroom was around a corner and totally out of sight, so she accepted. He removed his glass eye and went to the head. "Very funny," she said, when he returned. He grinned and said, "Okay, look, want to go double or nothing? I'll bet you a twenty, I can bite my own ear." She accepted and then watched him remove his false teeth and chomp them on his ear lobe. He grinned and said, "All right, once more? Double or nothing? I bet I can make love to you so tenderly that you won't feel a thing." Certain this was her area of expertise, she accepted, led him into the backroom and hiked up her skirt. They went to town. A few moments later, she giggled, "Oh, I can feel you." He grinned and kept on pumping. "Win some, lose some!"

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Monday, February 16, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] February 17, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

I realized that, while I often direct you to my Sight Gags page, I rarely plug anything else on my site, yet there's plenty of fun stuff there. Here's a new post: Nerd Pickup Lines as recently seen on Twitter.
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/book/Nerd%20Pickup%20Lines.htm

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A husband and wife were shopping for a gift for their new daughter-in-law when they passed an expensive lingerie shop. They went inside, but while she shopped, he felt out of place. A beautiful young salesclerk asked, "May I help you, sir?" Unsure what to say, he improvised, "Uh, yeah. Where are the men's clothes?" In a demure voice, the clerk replied, "Sir, all these clothes are for men!"

Both the Pope and the Queen of England attended an Anglican-Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords. They stood before a huge crowd and just couldn't help but be a little competitive, since both are heads of churches. The Queen told the Pope, "Do you realize that, with just one wave of my hand, I can make every English person in this crowd go wild?" "I'd like to see that!" he replied. Sure enough, she raised her hand and waved a royal glove at the crowd; every Englishman applauded and cheered. When the cheers subsided, the Pope, told the Queen, "Impressive, Your Majesty, but with one wave of my hand I can make every Irish person here rejoice and not just a momentary display like your subjects but a joy that will touch their hearts deeply; one they will speak of forever." "I seriously doubt that, Your Holiness!" she replied. "One wave of your hand and Irish people will rejoice forever? Prove it." So he slapped her!

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Sunday, February 15, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] February 16, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Happy President's Day! Or, as I like to call it: Sight Gag Monday!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=1691

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

George looked worried when the doctor asked if anything was troubling him. "Well, to tell you the truth, Doc, yes," answered George. "I seem to be getting forgetful. I can't remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what I was going to do once I get there -- if I get there! I need help. What should I do?" The doctor replied in his kindest tone, "Pay me in advance!"

Two gay guys were walking along the beach, holding hands, when a beautiful hot woman passed by. One guy said to the other, "You know, sometimes girls that look like that make me wish I was a lesbian!"

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Thursday, February 12, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] February 13, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Listen as someone who's never seen the movies tells the plot of the original Star Wars trilogy. Clever animation. Caution: true geeks may be sickened!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hb2GmBkkaTU

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombone player's car? Remove the Domino's Pizza sign from his roof!

A beautiful woman was sitting on a train when a cowboy in fancy boots and a Stetson hat asked, "Ma'am, would you mind if I sit here?" The woman looked up and said, "I certainly do! Cowboys are disgusting, mean, crude, vile, and uncouth! Cowboys will screw anything: sheep, cattle, dogs, lizards, they'll even screw a chicken!" The cowboy looked surprised. "Lizards?"

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Wednesday, February 11, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] February 12, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Charter CyberJokester Neil Rubenking sends along "BARACK PAPER SCISSORS," a game staged via YouTube. Is this a first? A game made of video clips staged on YouTube?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l2mcdS6ioo8

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Did you hear about the drunk who thought Alcoholics Anonymous was going to a bar under an assumed name?

After Mommy told her how babies get made, Little Suzie fell silent. "Do you understand now?" asked Mommy. "I think so," replied Little Suzie. "Do you have any questions?" "Well, yes. How do kittens get made?" "Exactly the same way as babies." "Wow!" said Little Suzie. "Daddy can do anything!"

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[cyberjoke3000] February 11, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Wallace Krebs sends along this wonderful video about The Lost Generation. Be sure to watch it in its entirety.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42E2fAWM6rA

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A few years ago, Bob asked Paige to help him buy a new computer because "you're the only computer friend I've got!" Recently Bob was ready to upgrade again and again called Paige for advice. "I'm sorry, Bob, but I haven't kept up with computers lately," said Paige. "Oh, great," Bob responded, "not only do I have to upgrade my computer, now I have to upgrade my computer friend!"

Josh lusted after Linda. When she finally agreed to go out with him, he took her out to dinner and then afterwards, drove her five miles out into the country, parked, and said passionately, "I want you right here, right now. Do it... or you can walk home!" Without saying a word, Linda got out of the car and walked home. A month later, after much apologizing, Linda agreed to go out with Josh again. This time he drove ten miles out in the country, parked, and begged, "Please. I must make love to you right now. Do it... or walk home!" Again, Linda walked home. Two months later, after even more apologizing and gifts of flowers and jewelry, she accepted another invitation. This time, just to make sure, Josh drove fifty miles out of town and gave her the same ultimatum. Without a word, Linda undressed and gave him the greatest sex of his young life. As they were driving home, Josh asked, "Why did you walk home the first two dates, when you so obviously enjoy sex?" Linda answered, "Well, it's like this: I'll walk five miles or even ten miles to save a friend from gonorrhea, but fifty..."

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Monday, February 9, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] February 10, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

In case you missed Capt. Sullenberger's interview on 60 Minutes about the flight of U.S. Airways 1549, you can watch it here:
http://www.flixxy.com/airbus-320-pilot.htm
Part 2 interviews the crew:
http://www.flixxy.com/airbus-320-crew.htm

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A pastor was talking to some youngsters about being on their good behavior so they would go to heaven. Concluding, he asked, "Now, where do you want to go?" Little Suzy cried out, "Heaven!" "And what do you have to do to get there?" he asked. Little Johnny yelled, "Die!"

The Joneses were traveling with Mrs. Jones's mother in a far away country when the mother-in-law made a careless remark, insulting the native royal family. They were arrested, convicted, and sentenced to fifty lashes with a cane. To show their magnanimity, the royal family granted the guests one wish before their beating. "Mrs. Jones, what is your wish?" "Before my beating, bind a pillow to my bottom." "It is granted." But the pillow was small, and the executioner missed it a few times, hitting her and causing great pain. Next they asked the mother-in-law for her wish. "Before my beating, bind a pillow to my bottom and a pillow to my back." "It is granted." She got her fifty lashes, but barely felt a thing. Finally, they asked, "And Mr. Jones, what is your wish before your beating?" Jones replied, "Before my beating, bind my mother-in-law to my back!"

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Sunday, February 8, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] February 9, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

It's Monday all right. The start of another week. The start of another 10 new sight gags!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=1681

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

How can you tell when there's a singer at your front door? She can't find the right key!

Two missionaries were captured by a tribe of cannibals, tied up, placed in a large pot of water over a huge fire, and left there to cook. As the water got uncomfortably warm, one missionary started laughing uncontrollably. The other was disgusted. "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive. Those cannibals are going to eat us. What could possibly be funny?" The other missionary replied, "I just p¡ssed in their soup!"

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Thursday, February 5, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] February 6, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

After the dentist removed this young man's tooth, it took him a while to clear his head. Poor little guy. But funny...
http://youtube.com/watch?v=txqiwrbYGrs

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

At a couple's first breakfast in their new home, the wife commented, "Look at our new neighbor's laundry. It's not even clean," she said. "She must not know how to wash correctly." Her husband looked, but said nothing. The next time their neighbor hung her wash, the wife said, "Maybe she needs a better brand of soap." This went on for about a month, but finally, one day the neighbor's laundry was clean. The wife said, "Look at that! Finally she learned how to wash. I wonder who taught her?" Her husband replied, "No one. I got up early this morning and washed our windows."

As Shelly's high school reunion drew to a close, the master of ceremonies gave out prizes to the graduates who had traveled the farthest, been married the longest or shortest, were the most successful, etc. Shelly was surprised to hear her own name. "And to Shelly, for the most children: a bottle of champagne and a giant economy-sized bottle of aspirin!" "Don't bother with the aspirin," giggled Shelly. "Isn't it obvious that, with ten kids, I've never had a headache!"

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