Thursday, October 29, 2015

[cyberjoke3000] October 29, 2015



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Steve Irving sends along an addendum to yesterday's joke. I think it’s an improvement: Oxygen and Potassium went on a date; it was OK. Then Oxygen dated Magnesium. OMg! Later, Oxygen asked Nitrogen out, but got a flat-out NO. Oxygen often had a double bond with the hydrogen twins. Looks like someone’s a HO, NaBrO. Most of these puns argon now.

CyberJokester Michael Gooden sends along his recommendation for the EFF's other excellent extension, "HTTPS Everywhere." It does exactly what you think: forces you to use a safe, secure connection whenever you browse.
https://www.eff.org/https-everywhere 

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AL

Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A mom was preparing dinner for her family when she spilled a jar of spice all over herself. Her daughter looked up from her phone and said, casually, "Hey, Mom? Can we talk?" Her mother snapped, "Now? Why in the hell would you choose now to talk?" The daughter answered, "I dunno, you looked like you had some thyme on your hands!"

What's the difference between a brownnose and a sh¡thead? Depth perception! 

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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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Wednesday, October 28, 2015

[cyberjoke3000] October 28, 2015



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Ever looked through a long webpage full of images, trying to align the images so you can see them onscreen? The "Scroll to next image" extension is so simple: hit Ctrl-Down Arrow and the page scrolls until the top of the next image aligns with the top of your screen. Ctrl-Up goes up one image. Simple, but I use it all the time! Search the Play store for it. It's "by Rick." Thanks, Rick!

If you have some favorite Chrome extensions, please send them my way and I’ll share them with the other CyberJokesters. 

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AL

Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Oxygen and Potassium went on a date; it was OK. Then Oxygen dated Magnesium. OMg! Later, Oxygen asked Nitrogen out but got a flat-out NO!

Two girls were talking. One said, "Men are such perverts! All they do is stare at my boobs." The other replied, "Well, it would help if you weren't 6-foot-6!" 

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Monday, October 26, 2015

[cyberjoke3000] October 27, 2015



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Continuing with last week’s Chrome extension recommendations, take a look at TabsPlus, by Cold. If you like using tabs, TabsPlus lets you customize them in many ways. Go to
https://chrome.google.com/webstore/category/extensions
and search for “TabsPlus.” Be sure to install the one “by Cold.” (The others may be good, too, but I’ve used this one for years and never tried another!)

If you have some favorite Chrome extensions, please send them my way. I always want to work faster (and easier)!

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AL

Today's CyberJoke 3000™

It was a beautiful day, so I took my son for a walk through the lovely Richard M. Nixon State Park. A stream sparkled in the sun. I asked, "Son, can you hear what that stream is saying?" He listened intently and then said, "No, not really." I told him, "It says, 'I am not a crick'!"

It seems I impregnated Marge,
So I do feel, by and large,  
Some cash should be tendered
For services rendered, 
But I can't yet decide what to charge. 

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Sunday, October 25, 2015

[cyberjoke3000] October 26, 2015



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Ah, the invigorating air, the brilliant fall colors, the sight gags of fall!
http://www.allowe.com/humor/sight-gags.html?PicNumber=5071

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

One convict said to another, "I hear the warden's daughter married some guy down on Cellblock D and the warden is so pissed!" "Because she married a con?" "No. Because they eloped!"

A woman approached me in a club and said, "I haven't had a co¢k for nearly a month." I volunteered my place and soon we were fooling around. It wasn't until she undressed that I noticed she still had scars from the surgery! 

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Thursday, October 22, 2015

[cyberjoke3000] October 23, 2015



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

WOT (“Web of Trust”) is another Chrome extension that I use. It’s a website reputation rating tool that lets you make an informed decision about whether to trust a website or not. After a Google search, when you shop, or browse online, WOT gives you a green, yellow caution, or red warning icon. If it’s not green, be cautious about that site. Simple, easy, free. Go to
https://chrome.google.com/webstore/category/extensions
and search for “WOT.”  

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AL

Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A book just fell on my head. I have only my shelf to blame.

A man, riding through the forest, discovered an old lamp, rubbed it, and out came the proverbial genie. "Yep. Three wishes." The man responded immediately, "I want to be immortal." "Done. Next?" "Make my horse immortal." "Done." Now the man was stuck. He thought and thought and finally said, "I want sex organs the size of my horse's." "Done." The man was overjoyed and couldn't wait to test his luck. He stopped as soon as he found a friend, jumped off his horse, and declared, "Peter, my horse is immortal!" Peter laughed, but the king stabbed his horse with his sword and the horse just stood there. Peter was surprised. "Now, Peter. Stab me, for I too am immortal!" Peter did so hesitantly, but nothing happened. "Amazing!" Saving the best for last, he said, "Peter, now take a look at this!" and dropped his pants. Peter look down and said, "Damn! That's the biggest pussy I've ever seen!" 

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I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Wednesday, October 21, 2015

[cyberjoke3000] October 22, 2015



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

“Last Tab Keeper” is a Chrome extension that only does exactly that: it keeps Chrome from closing just because you close the only tab you have open. By the way, if you keep your left hand on the keyboard (as I do) it’s easy to close tabs by typing Ctrl-w. Go to
https://chrome.google.com/webstore/category/extensions
and search for “last tab keeper.”  

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AL

Today's CyberJoke 3000™

"Mom, Mary Jane is a cheater!" "Why do you say that, Little Johnny?" Little Johnny replied, " 'Cause she said she'd show me hers if I'd show her mine -- but she ain't got one!"

Trying to put his new patient at ease, a gynecologist struck up a casual conversation. Noticing her sandals said "Hecho en Mexico," he asked her, "So, when were you in Mexico?" The flabbergasted patient responded, "What? You can tell that just by looking in there?" 

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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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[cyberjoke3000] October 21, 2015



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Flashcontrol does just that: puts you in control of those annoying Flash ads, auto-starting videos, and other Flashtrash. It puts a blank the size of the ad on your screen; then, if you want to see it, click the blank and it appears. Otherwise, you just see the content you came to see! Go to
https://chrome.google.com/webstore/category/extensions
and search for “flashcontrol.” 

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AL

Today's CyberJoke 3000™

I just renewed my subscription to "A, The, An" magazine. I swear I only read it for the articles.

Dave's next-door neighbor was waxing his boat in his driveway with a huge grin on his face. "Hey, John! Whatcha so happy about?" asked Dave. "Hey, man, does it show? Well, yesterday I had my boat on the lake and this sexy redhead came over and asked me for a ride. I jumped at the chance! I took her way out in the middle of the lake, turned off the key, and asked her, 'Swim or screw?' She couldn't swim, Dave. She couldn't swim!" The next weekend John was waxing and grinning again. "Happy again, John?" "Yep! Yesterday I was out at the lake and a beautiful blonde asked me for a boat ride. I took her out in the middle of the lake, turned off the key, and asked, 'Swim or screw?' She couldn't swim either!" The next weekend Dave saw John just sitting in his boat, staring off into space. "John, why so sad?" "Oh, Dave. Yesterday I was out at the lake when this hot brunette came over and asked me for a ride. I did the same thing again: out to the middle of the lake, turn off the key, and told her 'Swim or screw.' "She pulled down her shorts and Dave ...she had a dick! A great big dick! And I can't swim, Dave! I can't swim!" 

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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Monday, October 19, 2015

[cyberjoke3000] October 20, 2015



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Peter Vils Hansen sends along his favorite Chrome extension (which I've also used for years): "Privacy Badger," from the Electronic Frontier Foundation (a group which I've supported for years). It keeps third-party ad trackers from following you around the web learning all they can about you. Go to
https://chrome.google.com/webstore/category/extensions
and then search for Privacy Badger. It should be the first extension listed.

Got a joke to share with me? Send it here. If you received this email from a friend, why not start your own free subscription? It's easy. See below.

AL

Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A married couple hired a live-in maid. She was polite, a good cook, and kept the house tidy. But a few months later, she told them she had to quit. "Why?" asked the disappointed wife. The maid hemmed and hawed but eventually confessed, "I'm pregnant. And I can't afford to raise a child." "My husband and I can't have children and we don't want to lose you. Why don't you stay, and we'll adopt your baby." The maid agreed. All went well until a year later, when the maid told them she was pregnant again. And again they offered to adopt the child if she would stay. She agreed, the second child came, and all returned to normal until a year later, when the entire process was repeated again. The couple loved their three adopted children. But soon the maid again told them she had to quit. "Oh, no! You can't be pregnant again!?" said the wife. The maid responded, "Oh, I'm not pregnant. It's just that you have too many kids to pick up after!"

"Doc, I'm having trouble sleeping. I've tried everything, but all I do is toss and turn." "You just need to relax," the doctor answered. "Tell each part of your body to go to sleep separately. 'Toes, go to sleep. Feet, go to sleep. Legs, go to sleep.' and so forth. Pretty soon you'll wake up and it'll be morning." He tried it that very night. He got in bed, got comfortable, and started talking: "Toes, go to sleep. Feet, go to sleep. Legs, go to sleep...." Just then, his wife walked in wearing a see-through teddy. He jerked upright and shouted, "Everybody up! Everybody up!" 

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Sunday, October 18, 2015

[cyberjoke3000] October 19, 2015



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

It’s another perfect day in Seattle: cloudy, cool, rainy! Just right for some sight gags:
http://www.allowe.com/humor/sight-gags.html?PicNumber=5061 

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The doctor told the elderly gentleman that he had to drink Epsom Salts dissolved in warm water an hour before breakfast. When he returned the next week, the doctor asked, "Feeling better?" The old man replied, "No. Worse." "Did you drink Epsom Salts dissolved in warm water an hour before breakfast each day as I prescribed?" "No," said the man with a sigh. "The best I could do was about twenty minutes one day!"

I'm in a same-sex marriage. For years now, my wife and I have been having the same sex! 

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Friday, October 16, 2015

[cyberjoke3000] October 16, 2015



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Once you’re in the Chrome store’s Extensions area,
https://chrome.google.com/webstore/category/extensions
do a search for “AdblockPlus.” (Find the one from “adblockplus.org,” nothing else.) Click the blue “+Add to Chrome” button on the right. It’s as easy as that. Now your browsing will go much faster because you’ll never see most ads, nor wait for them to download!

While you’re there, browse around and, if you find something interesting, try it too. If it disappoints, you can get rid of it by returning to the Extensions page in Chrome and “Disable” or “Delete” it. (Click the Chrome hamburger menu in the upper-right corner, then “More Tools” then “Extensions.”)

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AL

Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Two successful psychoanalysts had offices in the same building. At the end of a long day, they both happened to catch the same elevator. As they rode down, the younger shrink felt completely wiped, but he noticed the older psychoanalyst looked fresh as a proverbial daisy. "What's your secret?" he asked. "How can you listen to patients complain from morning till night and still look so chipper when you're heading home?" The older one shrugged and said, "Who listens?"

An attractive young lady was in the examination room. "Doctor, my a$$hole hurts really bad." The doctor said, "Lie on your stomach and I'll take a look." She rolled over and he began his exam. Her derriere looked perfect. The doctor asked, "Miss, have you had anal sex lately?" "No. Why?" "Would you like to?" 

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Wednesday, October 14, 2015

[cyberjoke3000] October 15, 2015



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

I know NASCAR is fast but you don’t appreciate just how fast on TV. Watch this: ten feet away from cars going 180MPH+.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hiEH29LKgqI

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AL

Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Nathan told his lawyer, "Abe, if you're absolutely sure I can win this case, I'll hire you." Abe said, "Okay, but before I can say, I need to know the facts." Nathan went into detail about his failed partnership, ending with, "Now you know everything. Can Isue my partner and win?" Abe replied, "If everything is as you've said, it's clear that you going to win. It's an open-and-shut case." Nathan said, "Dammit! Never mind." "What's wrong?" asked Abe. Nathan groaned, "I told you my partner's side of the case!"

Ladies, the Honeymoon is Over if: Talking dirty in bed means screaming obscenities when he hogs the blanket. PMS lasts all month. You leave your jumbo box of maxi-pads on open display. "Honey, what are you thinking?" turns into "Are you done yet?!" He yawns when you complain about some guy who hits on you at work. S&M, menage, dildos... anything to break the monotony. You once walked hand in hand; now you jog to keep up. Frilly, lacy, tiny panties are way too uncomfortable. Two weeks, no orgasm; three weeks, no orgasm; four weeks, no orgasm... and you don't notice. He gives you money and now expects it back. You'd prefer to spend quality time with your vibrator. You let one rip in bed and don't care if he hears! 

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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