Joke For All: June 2009

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] July 1, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Remember the giant piano keyboard in the movie, "Big"? It still exists in NYC's F.A.O. Schwartz. Watch as these two women play Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D Minor:
http://www.flixxy.com/bach-duo-piano-organ.htm

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A woman was shopping and finding great sales when her mobile phone rang. A woman's urgent voice said, "This is your family doctor. Your husband has been in a terrible car accident! He's in critical condition!" "I'm at the mall, but I'll be there as soon as possible!" she replied. She paid for her purchase and headed for the parking lot, but just had to see what was 50% off at this one shop on the way. Then she couldn't pass that wonderful coffee smell without a cup, and "I may as well have a slice of that beautiful chocolate cake, too, please." Then, feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital, found their doctor and asked about her husband. The doctor glared at her. "You went ahead and finished your shopping, didn't you? I hope you're proud! While you enjoyed yourself at the mall, your husband has suffered in intensive care and taken a terrible turn for the worst." She paused for effect and lowered her voice. "But it's just as well you did, because it's probably the last shopping trip you'll ever take! For the rest of your life, your husband will require your around-the-clock attention. His care is now your fulltime job!" The woman felt so guilty that she broke down sobbing. The doctor chuckled and said, "Nah, I'm just pulling your leg. He died a couple of hours ago. Show me what you bought!"

Boss to employees: "I'm sorry, but I've got to let one of you go." Black employee: "Not me! I'm a protected minority." Female employee: "Not me! I'm a woman." Older employee: "Not me! I'll sue you for age discrimination." They all looked at the hapless young white male employee, who stammered: "Did I mention I'm thinking about being gay?"

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I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.

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Monday, June 29, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] June 30, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Whatever you do, do not click on this link! It's up to 250 pages already.
http://www.deadmichaeljacksonjokes.com/

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

As the airliner passed over Arizona, the pilot announced, "On your right is Meteor Crater, formed when a 300,000 ton lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter, struck the earth at 40,000 miles per hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles. The hole measures nearly a mile across and 570 feet deep." The passenger beside me looked down and exclaimed, "Wow! Look! It just missed the highway!"

A dentist was awakened late at night by an urgent phone call. "Dr. Tuckerman, my son was kissing his girlfriend and, when my wife and I got home tonight, we found them stuck together." "I'll be right there," said the dentist calmly. "And don't worry. I unlock teenagers' braces all the time." "From an I.U.D.?"

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Sunday, June 28, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] June 29, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

The end of June is typically moving time so here are some new sight gags showing people who didn't bother to rent a truck to move!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=1871

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A family was out for Mother's Day dinner. The mother was unusually quiet. Her husband asked, "What's wrong?' She hesitated and then said, "Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you: I've cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for fifteen years and on Mother's Day I don't get so much as a 'Thank you.' " "Why should I?" he said, "not once in 15 years have I received a Father's Day gift." She replied, "Yeah, but I'm their real mother!"

The smooth operator whispered to the party's host, "There are so many hot babes at this party, if I find one that's willing, would you mind if I used your extra bedroom for a quickie?" "What about your wife?" "Oh, she won't miss me." "I'm sure she won't," smirked the host, "because fifteen minutes ago, she borrowed my extra bedroom!"

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Thursday, June 25, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] June 26, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Jim Burke sends along the stunning artwork of Welsh artist Michael Bosanko, who creates art using colored flashlights and a digital camera on long exposures. He's perfected what we all tried to do with sparklers when we were kids.
http://www.michaelbosanko.com/gallery.html

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A reporter was dispatched to interview a man celebrating his 115th birthday. He noticed the yard was full of children of all ages. "Are these your great-grandchildren?" the reporter asked. "Naw, they're my younguns," replied the old man with a sly grin. "Your children?" exclaimed the reporter as a beautiful 19-year-old woman brought them tea. "And is this another of your children?" "Naw, she's my wife." "Your wife? Why, she can't be more than 19!" "That's right," said the old man, with pride. "At your age, you couldn't have sex with a 19-year-old." "Why not? We have sex every night. And every time, I have a couple of my sons help me on and then, a couple of hours later, I have six of my sons help me off." "Wait one minute. It takes two sons to put you on, but six sons to take you off? Why six?" The spry old guy balled up his fists and said, "Cuz I fights 'em!"

The stockbroker called his client and said, "Sam, I have good news and bad news." Sam said, "Give me the bad news first." "I'm sorry, but I've lost all of your money." Sam said, "Good lord, man! What's the good news?" The stockbroker replied, "You remember that hot new receptionist in my office? Last night we finally had sex!"

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Wednesday, June 24, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] June 25, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Want to print in 3D? Feed a CAD drawing to this printer and out it comes in real 3D plastic -- assuming you have $40,000 to spend on a printer!
http://www.flixxy.com/3d-printer-zprinter-450.htm

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The Woman's Guide to Understanding Men: Nice men are ugly. Handsome men aren't nice. Handsome nice men are gay. Handsome nice non-gay men are married. Ugly nice men have no money. Ugly nice men with money think women are after their money. Handsome poor men are after women's money. Handsome, not nice, heterosexual men want beautiful women. Heterosexual nice men with money who accept non-beautiful women are pigs. Somewhat handsome, somewhat nice, heterosexual men with some money are shy and never make the first move. Men who never make the first move lose interest in a woman who takes the initiative!

The farmer went to his doctor for help with his failing manhood. The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Take one, and only one, of these pills per day, Amos." Back home, Amos thought he'd try the pills out on his stud horse first. The horse swallowed one pill, jumped clear out of his stall, kicked a hole in the side of the barn, and took off down the road. "Those pills are too strong for me!" thought Amos and dumped the rest of the bottle into the well. At his follow-up visit, Amos told the doctor what he had done. The doc looked concerned. "I hope you aren't drinking the water from that well, Amos." "Nope," replied Amos. "Can't get the pump handle down!"

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Tuesday, June 23, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] June 24, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Zadir shares this amazing video of Kevin Richardson, a South African naturalist who does something totally un-natural: he's become a member of a pride of lions.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wso13n4kHZ4

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

There's no point being punctual in my office; no one is around to appreciate it!

A cargo plane was over the middle of the ocean when the cockpit door burst open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker. He aimed his gun at the pilot's head and shouted, "Take this plane to Cuba or I'll blow your brains out!" The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside, and said, "Look, pal, if you shoot me this plane will crash into the sea and you'd die along with the rest of us." The hijacker turned the gun toward the copilot. "Take this plane to Cuba or I'll blow his brains out!" The copilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside, and said, "Listen, pal, the pilot has a weak heart; if you kill me, the shock could give him a heart attack. Then we'd both be dead, we'd still crash into the sea and you'd die." The hijacker considered this and then turned his gun on the navigator. "Take this plane to Cuba or I'll blow his brains out!" The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside, and said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two have no sense of direction. Without me, they couldn't even find Cuba. If you shoot me, we'd still crash into the sea and die." The hijacker spun around and aimed at the stewardess. "Take this plane to Cuba or I'll blow her brains out!" The stewardess calmly leaned over and whispered in the hijacker's ear. He turned beet red, dropped his gun, and ran back into the cargo hold! "What did you tell him?" they asked. "I told him that if he killed me, he'd have to give all you guys your blowjobs!"

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Monday, June 22, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] June 23, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Please raise your right hand and repeat "The Boulder Pledge," by Roger Ebert: "Under no circumstances will I ever purchase anything offered to me as the result of an unsolicited email message. Nor will I forward chain letters, petitions, mass mailings, or virus warnings to large numbers of others. This is my contribution to the survival of the online community."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roger_Ebert#Boulder_Pledge

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A recent university study proved that six out of seven dwarves aren't Happy!

As luck would have it, Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day. Through an administrative error, Clinton got sent to heaven while the Pope got sent to hell. The Pope explained the situation, his paperwork was checked, and the error acknowledged, but the devil said, "It will take us at least 24 hours to make the switch." The next day, when the Pope arrived at the Pearly Gates, he met Bill Clinton on his way down. "Sorry about the mix-up, Bill." "No problem, your holiness." "I'm so excited about finally getting to heaven." "Really? Why?" "Because all my life I've prayed to the Virgin Mary and now I want to meet her." Clinton grinned and said, "Oops. Sorry, but you're a day late!"

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Sunday, June 21, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] June 22, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Now that the days are getting shorter again, why waste your precious daylight outdoors? Here's a shot of summer goodness:
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=1861

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

"Mrs. Stone, I want you to give your husband one of these pills every day followed by one shot of whiskey. That should improve his stamina," said the doctor. Mrs. Stone agreed. At the follow-up visit a month later, the doctor asked her, "And how is Mr. Stone doing with those pills and whiskey?" Mrs. Stone responded, "Well, he's a little behind on the pills, but he's at least six months ahead with the whiskey!"

As they stumbled up his apartment stairs, she whispered sexily, "You know, I can tell how a man will make love to me by the way he unlocks his door." He replied, "Really? How?" She said, "Well, if he shoves his key in the lock and yanks the door open, that means he is a rough lover and not for me. And if he fumbles around and can't find the keyhole, than he's an inexperienced lover and not for me, either. Exactly how do you unlock your door?" He grinned and said, "First, I like to lick the lock...."

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Thursday, June 18, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] June 19, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester DJ Williams sends along "This Is Why You're Fat -- Where dreams become heart attacks," which shows close-up photos of actual food that you should never eat. How can you not click this link?!
http://thisiswhyyourefat.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A Frenchman, a German and a Jew were lost in the desert. After wandering for hours, the Frenchman said, "I'm tired and I'm thirsty. I must have wine." The German said, "I'm tired and I'm thirsty. I must have beer." The Jew said, "I'm tired and I'm thirsty. I must have diabetes!"

The couple on a blind date really hit it off and, by the end of the evening, they were undressing each other. "Before we go any further, Charmaine, tell me: do you have any special fetishes that I should take into account?" "As a matter of fact," smiled Charmaine, "I do have a foot fetish. But you're so cute, I'd settle for eight inches!"

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Wednesday, June 17, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] June 18, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

I'd like to thank everyone who explained to me that the SysReq is still used by Linux (of course; I should have known!) but especially Steve Robson who sent a huge list of Linux hotkeys and those who included this page:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Magic_SysRq_key
CyberJokester Neil Rubenking explained the other "vestigal" keys: Scroll Lock changes the way the arrow keys work in certain apps, notably spreadsheets. With Scroll Lock OFF, the arrow keys move the selection around but with it ON, the selection remains static while the sheet moves. Pause/Break works in Command Prompt. Type a command with a huge long output like DIR C:\ /A/B/S; press Pause and the output pauses until you press another key. Press Ctrl+Break and the output stops completely. Those I remember. But I've never known a use for SysReq! Thanks to all!

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

"Dad, my teacher's giving me a hard time," said the eighth grader. "Try this, Johnny," advised his father. "Take special care with your personal appearance and attire. Pay attention in class. And do your assignments promptly." "I really don't think that'll help, Dad," Johnny rejoined. "During study hall, she hissed at me that she's four weeks overdue!"

The 82-year-old man complained to the doctor about being tired. "How active are you?" He replied, "Well, Doc, Wednesday I picked up a 20-year-old secretary, went to her place, and nailed her three times. Thursday, I picked up a 19-year-old waitress at a diner, took her to Lover's Rock, and made love four times. Friday, I went out with my granddaughter's 18-year-old college friend and we ended up in the back seat of my car. Saturday, 21-year-old twins lured me into a motel..." The doctor interrupted, "That's astonishing! I hope you took proper precautions." The geezer replied, "Sure I did! I gave 'em all a phony name!"

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Tuesday, June 16, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] June 17, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Ever wondered what your keyboard's SysReq key does? In fact, nothing. It has no purpose. What is a "System Request?" It's a leftover from the old days of the IBM console when it was used to get the attention of a mainframe so you could input data. So why is it still on most keyboards? If you know, tell me!

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The blonde dragged herself home after her first day commuting into the city. "Honey, you look tired," said her husband. "Do you feel all right?" "Not really," she replied. "I'm nauseous from sitting backwards on the train." "Oh, you poor dear," he said. "Why didn't you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats?" "I couldn't," she moaned. "There was no one sitting there!"

Two good friends complained that their married sex life had become monotonous. "Want to change spouses for a night?" asked one. The other one readily accepted. That night, in bed, one guy said to his new partner, "So what do you think our wives are doing now?"

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Monday, June 15, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] June 16, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

If you're interested in science (or want to convince others that you are), check out "Cocktail Party Physics."
http://twistedphysics.typepad.com/cocktail_party_physics/

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The Married Cold Year 1: "Oh, sweetie, I'm worried about those nasty sniffles you have! There's no telling what that could turn into. I'm going to take you right down to the hospital and have you checked out." Year 2: "Listen, honey, I don't like the sound of that cough. I called the doc and he's going to stop by here to take a look at you. You just head on up to bed and get the rest you need!" Year 3: "Maybe you should lie down, darling. When you feel lousy, you need rest. I'll bring you something. Do we have any canned soup?" Year 4: "No sense wearing yourself out when you're under the weather. After you finish the dishes and get the kids bathed and into bed, go to bed yourself." Year 5: "Are you gonna take some aspirin for that?" Year 6: "Go gargle instead of sitting her barking like a dog!" Year 7: "For god's sake, stop sneezing! Are you trying to give me pneumonia? And pick up some tissues while you're at the store!"

A man entered an empty bar and ordered a beer. As he glanced around, he noticed a folding table with lines marked about six to ten inches away from one side. Beside each line were initials. He asked the bartender about the marks. The bartender replied, "Oh, that? The locals play a game where they stretch their d¡cks as far as possible, mark a line, and then initial it." Our hero considered himself well-hung, so he asked if he could have a go. "Sure," came the reply. He did and was a clear winner, by over three inches. As he started to mark his line, the bartender shouted, "Hey, mate. You're standing on the wrong side of the table!"

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Sunday, June 14, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] June 15, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

There's one thing that Mir Hossein Mousavi and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad can agree on: sight gags are a good way to start a Monday morning!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=1851

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Little Johnny was walking along the railroad tracks when he got his foot caught. He tried to pull it out, but it was firmly stuck. To his horror, he heard a train coming. He prayed, "God, if you'll get my foot out of these tracks, I'll never be bad again!" Nothing happened. The train grew closer! "Oh, God, please get my foot out! I promise to stop swearing!" Still nothing. The train was seconds away! Little Johnny struggled frantically as the train horn blared. He tried one last time. "God, please, if you get my foot out of these tracks, I'll quit being bad, I'll stop swearing, and I'll stop trying to look up Little Suzie's dress!" With just inches to spare, his foot freed, and he fell backwards off the tracks. Lying there, the train hurtling past inches away, he looked to heaven and said, "Never mind, God. I got myself out!"

How can you tell if your husband is dead? The sex is about the same, but you get the remote!

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Friday, June 12, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] June 12, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Michael Hobson sends along this wonderful video live reenactment of Super Mario Bros. This will bring back memories of the 80s for all you old video gamers!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sGQ20yDDVzQ

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Mommy, does Jesus use our bathroom?" Mother looked confused. "No, dear. Why do you ask?" "Well, this morning while I was getting ready for school, I heard Daddy bang on the bathroom door and shout, 'Jesus Christ! Are you still in there?!' "

Once again it was time for the maid to help madam come up with Christmas presents for the help. "What about the butler?" the rich woman asked. The maid suggested, "A set of wine glasses?" madam frowned. "Butlers don't entertain. Give him a tie." The maid grimaced. "What about a dress for Jenny, the serving girl?" she asked. Again madam frowned. "She doesn't go anywhere, why would she need a dress? Give her a new apron." As the conversation continued in this vein, the maid chafed at her employer's arrogance. When they finally reached her husband, she said, "I presume you'll want to give him something he really needs?" "Of course," snapped the woman. The maid grinned. "How about four more inches?!"

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Wednesday, June 10, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] June 11, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Wallace Krebs sends along Bonomo, a cool random art generator that's fun to play with!
http://bomomo.com/

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

You may be too fat if... while you're lying at the beach, Greenpeace tries to save you!

As the Army colonel reviewed his troops, he noticed one man sported an enormous erection. "Sergeant!" the colonel ordered, "give this man 30 days compassionate home leave." "Yes, sir!" replied the sergeant. A few months later, the same thing happened again, with the same man. "Sergeant! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave." "Yes, sir!" A few months later, same guy, same problem. Now the colonel was angry. "Sergeant! Didn't I give this man three compassionate home leaves already?" "Yes, sir," replied the sergeant. "Then what's his problem?" asked the colonel. The sergeant replied softly, "Sir, it's you he's fond of!"

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