Joke For All: February 2013

Thursday, February 28, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] March 1, 2013

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Wallace Krebs sends along Robbie Maddison's new video called "Air.Craft," in which he performs some amazing motorcycle stunts while exploring an old airplane bone yard.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_VHaQeY88po

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

How long does it take for a giraffe to throw up?

A guy ran into his ex-wife. "You know, while I had sex with my girlfriend last night I kept thinking of you." His ex- looked pleased. "Because you miss me?" "No. It makes me last longer!"

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Wednesday, February 27, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] February 28, 2013

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Rob sends along some more free software packages, Kingsoft Office 2012, compatible with Microsoft Office, and eM Client, an Outlook replacement. Both have paid editions but the free versions are nearly complete and Rob says they work better than Libre Office and Thunderbird.
Kingsoft Office 2012, Free:
http://www.kingsoftstore.com/software/kingsoft-office-freeware
eM Client:
http://www.emclient.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

After a breakup, saying "we can still be friends" is like saying, "the dog died but let's keep him!"

Three engineers were on an overcrowded bus when three cute girls asked if they could sit on their laps. Of course they agreed. After a few blocks, the first girl asked the engineer under her, "Are you an electrical engineer?" Surprised, he answered, "Yes. How did you know?" She said, "Easy. I can feel the heat of your soldering iron." In the next block, the second girl asked her engineer, "Are you a mechanical engineer?" He replied, "Why, yes. How did you know?" She said, "Simple. Your piston is scraping my cylinder." Soon thereafter, the third girl asked her man, "Are you a civil engineer?" "Yes. How did you know?" She said, "Your dam just burst and flooded my valley!"

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Tuesday, February 26, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] February 27, 2013

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Speaking of alternative software, CyberJokester Robin Sparks reminded me of “Libre Office,” a full-featured office suite that’s comparable to MS Office, but free! They have versions for Windows, Mac and Linux. It’s like Open Office, but fresher.

http://www.libreoffice.org/download

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A man answered the telephone. "Hi, Mom. Yes, I've had a long day. Judy's been so difficult.... Yes, I know I should be more firm, but you know how she is.... Yes, you did warn me. You said she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her. And you were right.... You want to speak with her? Hang on." He yelled to his wife in the next room, "Hey, Judy! It's your mom!"

A man was troubled with premature ejaculation. A friend recommended a topical cream guaranteed to prolong erection. Later, the friend asked how it worked. "I don't know. I couldn't get past rubbin' it on!"

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Monday, February 25, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] February 26, 2013

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Wallace Krebs sends along this website that shows you alternatives to other software or websites. For example, here are its alternatives to Dinner Spinner, which I recommended a while back:
http://alternativeto.net/software/allrecipescom-dinner-spinner-pro
What a great way to make sure you're getting the app that best meets your needs instead of the one you find first!

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

"What equipment do I need to be a tightrope walker?" asked a prospective student. "Flexible shoes, two towers, a wire, a pole and a bank book," responded the acrobat. "Huh? Why a bank book?" "To check your balance!"

"Mommy? Why do you have napkins under the bathroom sink?" Mom explained, "Johnny, those are for 'special occasions'." That Thanksgiving, Mom was hurriedly preparing dinner for company and assigned all the kids chores. As their company settled into the dining room, they started to chuckle, then everyone laughed out loud. Wondering what the joke was, Mom came in and nearly died of embarrassment. Each place setting had a "special occasion" napkin, with the fork arranged on top. Little Johnny had even tucked in the little tails so they wouldn't hang out. "Johnny! What did you do?" and his response sent everyone into yet another round of laughter: "But Mom, you said they were for special occasions!"

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[cyberjoke3000] February 25, 2013

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

“And the Oscar for best Sight Gag goes to:”
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=3741

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

How do you make a slow horse fast? Don't feed him!

A man was on trial for selling drugs. His neighbor was called as a witness. The defense attorney asked, "Did you ever get any drugs from the defendant?" "No, sir," answered the neighbor. "Did you ever get any drugs from his wife?" "No, sir." "Did you ever get any from his daughters?" "Uh... hang on. Are we still talking about drugs?"

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Thursday, February 21, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] February 22, 2013

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

I've loved Bach's music for 50 years and studied it intently, but I've never seen the canon form better explained than in this short video. Brilliant!

http://bit.ly/11sURUF

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Years ago, a dancer approached the bandstand and asked the leader, "Can you play 'That's What You Are'?" The band discussed it, but no one knew it. "I'm sorry, but we don't know 'That's What You Are'." The man walked off, disgusted. A few drinks later, he was back. "Hey! If you guys play 'That's What You Are,' I'll buy you a drink." "I'm sorry, sir, but we still don't know it." Later, after more drinks, he returned a third time. "What's this world coming to, when a band can't play 'That's What You Are'?" The leader was exasperated. "Sir, maybe if you could sing a few bars, we'd recognize it." The drunk brightened up and sang off-key: "Unforgettable -- that's what you are!"

Why do blondes make poor cowgirls? They can't keep their calves together!

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Wednesday, February 20, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] February 21, 2013

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Keith Thompson sends along the Institute for Centrifugal Research, one of the best faux science interviews yet!

http://www.icr-science.org

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

An old retiree lived near a junior high school. One afternoon, three boys came down his street, banging merrily on every trashcan along the way. This happened every trash day until the old man had had enough. He stopped the young "percussionists" and said, "I love the way you express your exuberance. I used to do the same thing when I was a young drummer. In fact, I like it so much that I'll pay you five dollars each if you'll do it every day for a half hour." The kids were elated and continued to bang the trashcans. After a few days, the old-timer greeted them again. "I'm afraid I have bad news. This recession has hurt my income. Now I can only pay you two dollars a day to bang on the cans." The boys were displeased, but understanding and continued their ruckus. A few more days passed and the wily retiree approached them again. "Look, I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I can't give you more than 50 cents. Is that okay?" The drum leader looked disgusted. "No way, man! We're not gonna waste our time for that! We quit!" And once again, the old man enjoyed his peace and quiet!

How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator? There's lipstick on your cucumbers!

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Tuesday, February 19, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] February 19, 2013

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Gary Orndorff sends along "Panhandler Party,'" a YouTube video that will make you smile if you've ever ridden the New York City subway.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=47e3vjA_4uc

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Young Paul loved Suzi, but neither of them knew a thing about sex. They asked their friend Maury for advice. Maury told Suzi to undress and lie on the bed. He stripped, climbed on, and proceeded to demonstrate every possibility of love-making. When he finally finished, he told Paul, "Now, Paul, take Suzi home and practice what I've just shown you." Suzi piped up from the bed, "Hang on, Maury. He's kinda forgetful. You’d better show him again!"

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Monday, February 18, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] February 19, 2013

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Sure, you have a spam filter to clean up your Inbox, but what about your mailbox? That one that the Post Office goes to six days a week (well, for a little longer)? Use DMAchoice to thin it out, save yourself some trouble, and save a few trees, too!
https://www.dmachoice.org

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A minister heard an informal campaign speech and asked the speaker, "Before I vote for you for sheriff, I want to know if you partake of intoxicating beverages?" The candidate for sheriff replied, "Before I answer, may I ask: is this an inquisition or an invitation?"

The Lord of the manor returned from the hunt rather earlier than expected. Entering the master bedroom to change, he found her Ladyship making passionate love to Sir Reginald Carpley. The irate Lord stood stiffly and loudly berated his wife's infidelity: "I raised you out of a miserable existence on the farm, gave you a fine home, expensive clothes and jewels, provided you with servants, and this is the thanks I get?" By now, her Ladyship was sobbing inconsolably. His Lordship then turned his wrath on his supposed friend. "And as for you, Sir Reggie: you might at least pause while I'm speaking!"

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[cyberjoke3000] February 18, 2013

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Thursday, February 14, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] February 15, 2013

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

AllRecipes.com has created an app called "Dinner Spinner" that lets you search for recipes by naming up to eight foods you already have (or want to omit). It even helps you make a shopping list to take to the grocery store.

Android: http://bit.ly/XMLI2S

Apple: http://bit.ly/TIC7Mo

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

How can you know if a bagpipe is out of tune? Someone is blowing it!

Three women arrived simultaneously at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter said, "There is room here for each of you, if you will confess your sins." He looked at the first woman. She blushed and said, "I married one man, but I loved another, so I divorced my husband and married the man I loved." Saint Peter said, "Show her to the Silver Gate." A minion did so. He then looked at the second woman. "I loved one man, married him, and we lived happily ever after." Saint Peter said, "Show her to the Golden Gate." He turned to the third woman. "I was a exotic dancer," she confessed with a becoming smile, "and I pleased every man who came to see me. Pleased them well!" Saint Peter said, "Show her to my room!"

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Wednesday, February 13, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] February 14, 2013

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Happy Valentine’s Day. Or, if you’re a man, today is Valentine’s Day – don’t screw up!

Need to find a specific quote or phrase used in a movie? CyberJokester Wallace Krebs sends along "Subzin," a searchable movie phrase database.

http://www.subzin.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Today someone showed me how static electricity worked. I was shocked.

A month after Morris's coronary bypass surgery, he was back in his doctor's office for his follow-up visit. "Doc, when can I start having sex again?" The doctor explained, "As soon as you can climb two flights of stairs without becoming winded." Morris considered this and then asked, "How about if I find a woman who lives on the ground floor?"

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Joke For All

Thursday, February 28, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] March 1, 2013

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] February 28, 2013

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] February 27, 2013

Monday, February 25, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] February 26, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] February 25, 2013

Thursday, February 21, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] February 22, 2013

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] February 21, 2013

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] February 19, 2013

Monday, February 18, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] February 19, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] February 18, 2013

Thursday, February 14, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] February 15, 2013

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] February 14, 2013

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