[cyberjoke3000] July 31, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Sam Timmins sends along this wonderful animated film done solely on yellow Post-It notes. This is a must watch; it just gets better and better as it goes along.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7IeSqVboADw

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting all day in the blazing sun without catching a thing. On his way home, he stopped at the fish market and told the clerk, "Give me four nice ones, but throw them to me, okay?" "Why do you want me to throw them to you?" said the clerk. "So I can tell my wife I caught them." "Oh. I suggest you take the orange roughy instead." "Why?" "Because your wife was in earlier and said that if you came by, I should tell you she prefers the orange roughy for tonight's dinner!"

Success is like being pregnant: everyone congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you were screwed!

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[cyberjoke3000] July 30, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Love the classic SNL bit where Christopher Walken played the "more cowbell" record producer? CyberJokester Eric Schneck sends along this site devoted to that and that alone:
http://www.c-eye.net/flash/WalkenCowbellSB.html

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Why are men better at map reading than women? Only the male mind could conceive of one inch equaling fifty miles!

Baseball great Jimmy Piersall explains how to diaper a baby: "Spread the diaper in the position of the diamond with you at bat. Fold second base down to home. Set the baby on the pitcher's mound. Put first base and third together, bring up home plate, and pin the three together. Of course, in case of rain, call the game and start all over!

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[cyberjoke3000] July 29, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Jed R. Feiman sends along this wonderful video from the same guys who gave you the best Mentos+Diet Coke vids. This time their medium is the humble sticky note:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y1rZqw5bXb4
Their website features how-to's and their other wacky "experiments:"
http://eepybird.com/stickynote.html

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Why don't bass players ever catch colds? Even viruses have some pride!

A family driving behind a garbage truck was startled when a dildo flew out of the truck and thumped on their windshield. Embarrassed, the mother told her young daughter, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect." The sweet young girl replied, "I'm surprised it could fly with such a huge co¢k!"

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[cyberjoke3000] July 28, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

No, I didn't forget your weekly batch of sight gags yesterday. I merely wanted to keep those search tips sites together. Here they are, a day late, but much more than a dollar short!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=1911

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A man had barely gotten in the door from work before his wife greeted him with a passionate kiss, pulled him into the bedroom, pushed him onto the bed, unzipped his fly, and gave him a fantastic blow job. After he had exploded, he looked her in the eyes and asked, "All right, dear. What did you do to the car this time?!"

What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster? Roosters say, "Cock-a-doodle-doo." Blondes say, "Any-cock'll-doo!"

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[cyberjoke3000] July 27, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Consider your Google skills past Friday's tips site? CyberJokester Wallace Krebs shares this site which starts with the basics but "builds to make almost anyone a search ninja!"
http://www.googleguide.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Why do black kids get so tall? Because they're knee-grows!

Two high school buddies were talking at the senior prom. Bob said, "Suzy is really hot. And she wants to go out to my car. I'm nervous; I'm afraid I'll goof up!" Jerry counseled him, "Don't worry. Just compliment her. Chicks love compliments." A half hour later, Bob came back in sporting a black eye. "Dude! What happened?" asked Jerry. Bob replied, "I took your advice. We got in my car and started kissing and I told her, 'For such full lips, yours sure taste sweet!' and she liked it. Soon I started feeling her breasts and I told her 'For such big boobs, yours are sure firm!' and she liked that, too." "Sounds like you did great," said Jerry. "Well," Bob answered, "that's when things went bad. I pulled her dress up and her panties down, but I couldn't think of another compliment." "So what did you say?" " 'For such a fat girl, you don't stink much!' "

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[cyberjoke3000] July 24, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Polara sends along this "Bare Bones Lesson" in how to use a search engine. If you regularly get millions of responses to your searches, you need to read this right now:
http://www.sc.edu/beaufort/library/pages/bones/lesson7.shtml

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

After moving from Texas to Mississippi, Bill told his new insurance agent that he wanted to insure his wooden leg. The agent consulted his computer and quoted him a price of $39 per year. Bill was surprised. "Wow, that's great. In Texas, I was paying over $500 per year. Why so cheap?" The agent said, "Well, you just have to describe it correctly. See here? It says: 'Any wooden structure with a sprinkler system above it: $39!' "

A woman was complaining to the neighbor that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him. "Take my advice," said the neighbor, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning and, from my bed, I called out, 'Is that you, Jim?' And that cured him." "Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how?" The neighbor said, "My husband's name is Bill."

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[cyberjoke3000] July 23, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Andre Artus sends along this playful parody of Bing, Microsoft's new search engine that's "just like Google!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K0MKdjG1F_c

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The scoutmaster was teaching his scouts about desert survival. "What are the three most important things you should carry in case you get lost in the desert?" Little Johnny's hand shot up. "Yes, John." Little Johnny replied, "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of playing cards." "Why, John?" Little Johnny said, "The compass helps you find your way and the water prevents dehydration." "Very good, John. But what about the cards?" asked the scoutmaster. "Well, sir, as soon as you start playing solitaire, someone always walks up behind you and says, 'You could play that red nine on that black ten!' "

"Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the obstetrician. "Nah," replied the mother-to-be. "He and my husband don't get along!"

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[cyberjoke3000] July 22, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CollegeHumor has a new musical spoof called, "Web Site Story." It sure made me laugh.
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1913584

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Did you hear about the terrorists who took an orchestra's entire viola section hostage? They threatened to release one violist per hour until their demands were met!

Why do poor kids have long d¡cks? Because rich kids have toys to play with!

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[cyberjoke3000] July 21, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester (and former Leisure Suit Larry animator) Al Eufrasio sends along this 1988 news report about an early Internet computer virus. Notice they illustrate how a virus works with the Atari 2600 E.T. game!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G2i_6j55bS0

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A young woman asked a co-worker to recommend a physician. "I've got a great one, but he's expensive," said her friend. "He charges five hundred dollars for your first visit and a hundred dollars for each subsequent visit." She went to the doctor's office and, trying to save money, cheerily announced to him, "I'm back!" Not fooled for a moment, the doctor replied, "Great. Continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit!"

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from their women: a little support and a little freedom!

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[cyberjoke3000] July 20, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Is there anyone who was alive 40 years ago who doesn't remember where they were on that day? And what better way to celebrate the amazing sight of men walking on the moon than with ten new sight gags?
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=1901

And don't forget to "tune in" to Mission Control and Tranquillity Base today!
http://wechoosethemoon.org/

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Joe got into an argument with a big man who threatened, "I'm gonna mop the floor with your face." Joe told him, "You'll be sorry." "Oh, yeah? Why?" Joe said, "Cause you'll never be able to get into the corners!"

Men can't help it; they wake up aroused. Women think, "How can he want me, the way that I look?" Easy; they can't see you. There's no blood anywhere near their optic nerve!

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[cyberjoke3000] July 17, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Paul sends along this video made by a musician in response to United Airlines baggage handlers breaking his guitar. After a year of negotiations, they refused to fix it, so he decided to create some bad publicity for them. He's up to 3.1 million hits and climbing!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5YGc4zOqozo

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A well-respected surgeon was relaxing at home one evening when the phone rang. He answered to hear the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said his friend. "I'll be right there," answered the doctor. As he put on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh, yes, dear. Quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"

My dad's getting older; yesterday he was griping about joint pain. I asked him, "Is it your hip?" He said, "No. I burned my lip on a roach clip!"

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[cyberjoke3000] July 16, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

How can a 1957 Chevy pickup truck go 300 MPH? Easy; just add two jet engines to it!
http://www.flixxy.com/worlds-fastest-57-chevy-pickup-truck.htm

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Thought For The Day: No job is too difficult when you don't have to do the work!

By the end of the first week of summer vacation, Little Johnny was driving his mother crazy, so she suggested that he go visit a nearby home construction site. He stayed away all day, giving his mother a welcome break. When he returned, his mom asked, "So, John, did you learn anything today?" "I sure did," he replied. "I learned how to put up a godd@mned door, take the bastard down, shave a c@*t hair off it, and then put the son of a b¡tch back up again!" His shocked mother exclaimed, "I won't tolerate such foul language, young man! Go outside and get me a switch!" "No f*¢king way!" replied Johnny. "That's the electrician's job!"

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[cyberjoke3000] July 15, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

In 1981 KRON-TV reported on a new service: the San Francisco daily newspapers -- on home computers via dial-up acoustic-coupler modem:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5WCTn4FljUQ

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

As Pat Paulson once said, "All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to the unenlightened immigration policies of the American Indian!"

A man was sunbathing at the nude beach. For civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he placed his hat over his pen¡s. A woman walked by and snickered, "If you were a gentleman, you'd raise your hat." He barely moved his eyes and replied, "If you were more attractive, it would raise itself!"

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[cyberjoke3000] July 14, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

40 years ago this week, the USA launched its first men to the moon on Apollo 11. CyberJokester Wayne Wright shared this interesting site, sponsored by the JFK Library, chronicling the complete trip. Check it out now, then return this week to hear everything as it happened in real time exactly 40 years later.
http://wechoosethemoon.org/

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The abnormal psychology instructor was introducing the topic of manic depression. He asked, "How would you describe a patient who walks back and forth, screams at the top of his lungs one minute, and then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" One young wag in the back of the room suggested, "Basketball coach?"

How do you make two pounds of fat sexy? Include a nipple!

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I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.

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[cyberjoke3000] July 13, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Monday morning. Sight gags. Come and get 'em!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=1891

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The two lesbians who live next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday. That was nice, but I think they misunderstood me when I told them, "I wanna watch!"

A mother was surprised to hear her daughter's bedtime prayer: "Dear God, please help those poor ladies in Daddy's computer get clothes. Amen."

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[cyberjoke3000] July 10, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Al Johnson sends along yet another version of the Hitler clip from the film "Downfall," where Adolf learns that MJ is dead:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELyTBXzfQJ8

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The economy is so bad that when my secretary tells me my broker is on the phone, I ask, "Stock or pawn?"

"Ma'am, would you mind participating in a survey about condoms?" She replied with a sly smile, "Depends on what's in it for me!"

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[cyberjoke3000] July 9, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

While you were at The Onion yesterday, did you find these, too?
http://www.theonion.com/content/video/gymnast_shawn_johnson_put_to
http://www.theonion.com/content/video/taco_bells_new_green_menu_takes
http://www.theonion.com/content/video/mexico_builds_border_wall_to_keep

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

During an orchestra tour, the conductor got sick and was unable to perform. The last chair violist had a baton in his case, so they drafted him to conduct until the director recovered. The night the maestro returned, as the violist sat down in the back row again, his stand partner asked, "Hey! Where have you been the past few nights?"

In 1874, the first testicular guard cup was used in hockey. In 1974, the first helmet was used in hockey. It only took hockey players a hundred years to realize their brain is also important!

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I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.

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