Thursday, September 30, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] October 1, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokesters Terri Adisian and Zadir send along this compilation of great dance moves from 40 films, dating over the past 70 years, in less than 5 minutes, all set to Kenny Loggins's "Footloose."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYL3j27sSH8

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The high school economics teacher was discussing the population explosion. "Certain levels of our society reproduce much more frequently than others," he pointed out and then asked, "What people would you guess reproduce the most?" The blonde in the back raised her hand. "Women?"

Little Jenny came home with a small kitten. Her mom said, "Where did you get that kitten?" Jenny replied, "One of my friends gave it to me for Daddy." "Why would you think that Daddy wants a kitten?" Jenny said, "Because I heard Daddy telling the cute new neighbor lady that it had been a long time since he had a little pussy!"


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Tuesday, September 28, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] September 29, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

88 years ago the man who invented the paper clip machine had another idea: could old newspapers be used in construction? Here's the answer:
http://bit.ly/aYLhQr 

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say "bought," but actually I swiped it off some short fat kid.

A blind man was traveling in a private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot or the co-pilot. He found the radio. "Help! Help!" The tower responded, "What's the problem?" The blind man yelled, "Help me! I'm blind, my pilot is dead, my co-pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!" The tower asked, "Oh, really? And how do you know you're flying upside down?" The blind man replied, "Because the sh¡t is running down my back!"


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Monday, September 27, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] September 28, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Dozens of currently operating spacecraft provide a snapshot in time gathered from around our solar system, at scales ranging from centimeters to millions of kilometers.
http://bit.ly/b37Rlj

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Did you hear about the Scotsman who took a taxi to bankruptcy court? He invited the driver inside as one of his creditors!

A Rabbi, late for his golf game, was rather curt with several people whose phone calls kept delaying him. When he returned to his office, his secretary told him, "Rabbi, several members of the congregation were upset with you yesterday when you cut them short." At that, a man sitting in the waiting room hurriedly departed. "Who was that?" asked the Rabbi. "Oh, that was Mr. Rothenberg," replied his secretary. "He was waiting to speak with you about circumcising his son!"


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Sunday, September 26, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] September 27, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

"Boy, are you a sight gag for sore eyes!"
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2521

CyberJokester Samuel Daniels found Friday's tower climbing video that was deleted by YouTube. Here it is (or was moments ago when I checked!):
http://teamaltman.com/2010/09/awesome-tower-climbing-video-worlds-scariest-job
Or you could try:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tFVjtJaU1Qc
And
CyberJokester Bob Yetter sends along the blog from the man who posted the video:
http://www.theonlineengineer.org/TheOLEBLOG/
Obviously, this one is worth some effort to see!

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

"Boss, you know I've been with you over ten years now. I won't beat around the bush. I need a raise. I have four companies after me, but I decided to talk with you first." "A raise, Tompkins? I'd love to give you a raise, but this is a bad time." "I know this economic downturn has been tough on sales, boss, but consider my hard work and loyalty to this company." "Well, that's true, Tompkins. And I'd hate to start a brain drain.... How about a 10% raise plus five more vacation days?" "Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!" "Before you go Tompkins, just out of curiosity, may I ask exactly which companies were after you?" "Oh, the electric company, the gas company, the water company, and the mortgage company!"

The makers of Viagra announced a new pill to increase female lubrication. It's called "Niagara."


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Thursday, September 23, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] September 24, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Feel comfortable climbing ladders? How about a ladder that begins 1,600' in the air and goes up nearly another 200'? Watch this man climb to the very tip top of a huge transmission tower.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uccjrp5NRYE

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Things Men Should Not Say During Childbirth: "Gosh, you're lucky; I wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth." "Do you think the baby will come before the game starts?" "I hope you're ready; the photographer I hired will be here in ten minutes." "If you think this hurts, let me tell you about when I twisted my ankle." "The kids called; do you have anything planned for dinner?" "When you're on your back, you look like a python that just swallowed a wild pig." "You don't want an epidural; just relax and enjoy the moment." "This experience reminds me of that episode from I Love Lucy...." "Stop your swearing and just breathe." "Remember what we learned in Lamaze class? Hee, hee, hoo, hoo. You're not saying the right words." "From the looks of your stomach, there's another one in there!"

How is a woman like a road? They both have manholes!


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Wednesday, September 22, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] September 23, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Neil Rubenking (and others) responded to my Copy Path download by telling me that in Windows 7 and Vista, you get the same thing with a shift-right-click. Thanks to all!

CyberJokester (and world's greatest daughter!) Megan Hughes sends along this hilarious site whose name explains it precisely: "Dear Blank, Please blank."
http://www.dearblankpleaseblank.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A rich man's daughter wanted a white horse for her birthday gift. He saw a poor man with a beautiful white stallion and asked to buy it. "I'll give you $500 for that horse," he said. The poor man replied, "I don't know, mister; it don't look so good." The rich man searched everywhere, but couldn't find a horse as fine, so he found the same man and this time offered him $1,000 for his horse. The poor man said, "I don't know, mister; it don't look so good." On the day before his daughter's birthday, the rich man was desperate. "I'll give you $2,000 for that horse," he begged. The poor man needed the money, so he agreed, and the rich man took his horse home. His daughter absolutely loved her present. She leapt onto the horse and took off at a gallop... right into a tree! The rich man found the poor man and demanded an explanation for the horse's blindness. The poor man replied, "Remember? I told you it don't look so good!"

Why do Scots wear kilts? Because sheep can hear zippers!


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[cyberjoke3000] September 22, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

This starts out as just cute little girl dancing, but keep watching; it's not what it first appears:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4_S0T7cma_U

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

As a kid, I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog.

A young man's car engine started to cough on a lonely, moonlit country road. He pulled over to a scenic spot and said to the young lady beside him, "That's funny; I wonder what that knocking noise was?" "I'll tell you one thing for sure," she replied. "It was not opportunity!"


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Monday, September 20, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] September 21, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

I use this program every day; I think you'll find it irreplaceable, too. It adds "Copy Path to Clipboard" to files' right-click menu. Click it after you find the file and then you don't have to negotiate endless dialog boxes when you open or save a file. It's great for uploading photos to the web, too. Free download.
http://stefan.bertels.org/en/clipboardpath

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

"Mommy? Can I have a dollar to give to the old lady in the park?" Touched by her daughter's kindness, Mom gave her a dollar. "Here you are, dear. But, tell me: isn't the lady able to work any more?" Her daughter said as she skipped away, "Oh, yeah, she still works. She sells candy!"

Attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt: "I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: 'No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall'."


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[cyberjoke3000] September 20, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Wow, can it really be Monday morning already? It feels like only ...Monday!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2511

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Mike was a college history professor who made it to the final round of a game show. With thumping music and dramatic lighting, the emcee set up the final question. "Mike, answer this two-part question on American history correctly and you go home with a million dollars! Miss either part and you get nothing. The second part of the question is always easier. Which part would you like first?" Mike figured even though it was in his field of American history, he'd play it safe. "I'll take the second part first." The emcee nodded approvingly, while the audience went hush with anticipation. "Okay, Mike, here is your question: ...and in what year did it happen?"

Headlines of the World, 2035 Edition: "Ozone from electric cars kills millions in world's seventh largest country, California." "Minorities trying to get English recognized as nation's third language." "Spotted owl plague threatens Northwest." "Baby conceived naturally; scientists stumped." "Iran still closed; physicists estimate ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. " "Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars could be imported legally but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking." "George Z. Bush announces run for President in 2036." "US Postal Service raises first class stamps to $18 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only." "New study: diet and exercise key to weight loss." "Last conservative moves from Massachusetts." "US Supreme Court rules punishing criminals violates their civil rights." "Average NBA player over nine feet tall." "Federal law requires registration of all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers." "Congress authorizes direct deposit to campaign accounts of illegal contributions." "Capital Hill intern indicted for refusing sex with congressman." "IRS lowers tax rate to 70%."


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Friday, September 17, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] September 17, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Al Johnson sends along this wedding video unlike any you've ever seen. Posted just a week ago, Vanessa's Wedding Surprise has already garnered 3/4-million views. I bet you'll forward this one!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KgZ4ZTTfKO8

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Why Fishing is Better Than Sex: If you go fishing and catch something, that's good; if you make love and catch something, that's bad. Fish don't compare you to other fishermen. Fish don't want to know how many fish you've caught in the past. Fishermen lie about the one that got away; lovers lie about the one they caught. If you catch and release a fish, you don't have to promise to remain friends afterwards. You don't have to change your line to keep catching fish. You can catch a fish on a 20¢ worm; to catch a woman, it takes at least dinner and a show. Fish don't mind if you fall asleep while fishing.

"So, Neville, it appears you've stolen my mistress." "That it would, Percy, that it would." "Hmph. I suppose you feel a bit like one 'partaking of used goods,' eh, Nevilee?" "Oh, no, Percy. Once I delved past the used portions, I found her company perfectly enjoyable!"


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Wednesday, September 15, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] September 16, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Yesterday's 60' river swing was only a start. Look at this huge mountain swing:
http://biggeekdad.com/2010/02/mountain-swing

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A woman took her five-year-old daughter shopping. As mother tried on outfit after outfit, the little girl exclaimed every time, "Mommy, you look beautiful!" From the next fitting room, a voice called out, "May I borrow your daughter?"

George was rarely sick but Monday he caught the flu and just couldn't go to work. He was glad, because he learned just how much his wife loved him. She was so thrilled to have him home that, when a deliveryman or the mailman arrived, she ran outside yelling, "My husband's home! My husband's home!"


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Tuesday, September 14, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] September 15, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Watch Mike Wilson perform 60' triple back flips into the Truckee River from his Extreme River Rope Swing!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HMsdRdgZ16k

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

 

While hiking in the woods, a man was attacked by a giant grizzly bear. The man grabbed the only part of the bear he could reach, his testicles. He squeezed as hard as he could and the bear loosened his grip just enough for the man to slip away. As he ran through the woods, he glanced back to see if the bear was chasing him. Instead, there stood the bear, in the same spot, motioning to him: Come back! Come back!

Tom got in a terrible fight with his wife, which she ended with, "You're homely, weak, and not man enough to satisfy me!" Tom stomped out of the house, steaming mad. At the edge of town, he spied something in the grass -- an old lamp. He rubbed it and, sure enough, out popped a genie, who made him the standard three-wish deal. With his wife's words ringing in his ears, he responded, "Make me look like George Clooney with the body of Arnold Schwarzenegger and..." he pointed to a donkey in a nearby field... "and make me hung like that donkey." The genie said, "As you wish, sire," chuckled, and vanished, back into the lamp. Tom headed happily for home and knocked on the locked front door. His wife peeked through the peephole and saw the face of George Clooney! She flung open the door and saw the body of Arnold Schwarzenegger! Tom swept her off her feet and carried her up to the bedroom. It was as if her dreams had come true! As Tom removed his clothes, he continued, "Oh, honey, wait until you see what else I have for you!" But when he felt his crotch, he cried, "Oh, no! That was a female donkey!"


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Monday, September 13, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] September 14, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Aerial photographer Yann Arthus-Bertrand spent five years taking aerial photographs above six continents. Astonishing landscapes. See "Earth From Above":
http://justpaste.it/3ky

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The wife was in labor with their first child. Suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't! Couldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't! Can't! Don't!" Her concerned husband asked, "Doc! What's wrong with her?" The doctor replied, "Don't worry; she's just having contractions!"

At the Pearly Gates, a doctor met Saint Peter, who informed him, "You must choose one of the three doors before you. But, because of your greed and misconduct on Earth, your choices are all forms of Hell." Opening the first door, the doctor saw the classic fire and brimstone of Hades and quickly closed the door. Behind the second door were tortured souls ravaged by disease. He moved on to door three. Behind it were white-coated male physicians, receiving oral sex from nurses wearing nothing more than nurses' caps! Before he could say anything, Saint Peter interrupted. "Oops, sorry. My mistake. That's nurse's Hell!"


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Sunday, September 12, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] September 13, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

It's Monday morning. The kids are back in school. Who'll care if you spend twenty minutes perusing sight gags?
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2501

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

You may be a redneck if you go to your family reunion looking for a date!

A man walked into a bar and asked the bartender, "Gimme a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz!" The bartender asked, "What's wrong with Schlitz?" The man replied, "I hate it. Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew Chunks." The bartender said, "Hey, man, you drink a case of any beer and you'll blow chunks." The man replied, "You don't understand -- Chunks is my dog!"


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I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Thursday, September 9, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] September 10, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Bill Haney sends along this "God Mode" tip for Windows 7 (32-bit only) users: simply make a folder on your desktop and name it
"GodMode.{ED7BA470-8E54-465E-825C-99712043E01C}".
(Copy & paste exactly what's inside the quote marks.) That folder will then contain every Windows setting, all in the same place. No more digging through multiple control panel apps.

And for something less geeky: My granddaughter loves bubbles but we've never seen bubbles like this!
http://www.flixxy.com/giant-bubbles-on-the-beach.htm

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Two guys were deer hunting. One said, "Did you see that?" "No. What?" "A bald eagle just flew overhead." "Oh." A few minutes later, the first guy said, "Did you see that?" "See what?" "There's a bear over there on that hill." "Oh." A few minutes later, the first guy said, "Did you see that?" By now, the second guy was perturbed, so he said, "I sure did!" The first guy asked, "Then why did you step in it?"


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I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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[cyberjoke3000] September 9, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Plastic comes from oil, so why not turn it back into oil to be used again? This Japanese inventor has done just that...with a machine small enough to fit on a desktop!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qGGabrorRS8

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

In democracy, your vote counts; in feudalism, your Count votes.

Signs You're Growing Old: You realize your parents were right about almost everything. The bag boy offers to carry your groceries, even though you were in the "10 Items or Less" lane. You no longer support your children; now you support your parents. You discuss the weather. You remember your kids' names, just not always the right one. You worry about forgetting to move the garbage cans to the street on trash night. Your high school yearbook has mold. You buy "age-defying" makeup and "anti-wrinkle" creams believing they'll work. You own Bermuda shorts. You recognize Led Zeppelin songs ...in an elevator. You've been asked to never wear your Speedo to the beach again. You recall at least three opportunities "to buy every Disney Animated Classic for the last time in a generation." Wal-Mart and Target share your fashion sense. You remember Earth shoes. You think your head will explode if you hear Stairway to Heaven once more. Your weightlifting program has no effect on your muscles, but is bulking up the veins on the back of your hands. On Saturday night, when your wife mentions "hot oil, a little friction and squealing," you respond, "I'll take the car in first thing Monday."


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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Wednesday, September 8, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] September 8, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Hit a 12-inch diameter gong in the middle of a lake with a golf ball? Watch as these European pros take aim from 200 yards away!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pu3OIT7mxDQ

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

One strand of DNA asked another, "Do these genes make me look fat?"

"Class, name some things that eat other things, that end in t-o-r." One boy suggested, "Alligator." "Very good," said the teacher. Another boy said, "Predator." "Yes, well done." Little Johnny shouted out, "Vibrator." The startled teacher took a moment to recover and then reprimanded, "That word does end in t-o-r, but it doesn't eat things." Little Johnny replied, "I dunno; my sister says hers eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!"


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Copyright information
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Monday, September 6, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] September 7, 2010



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

The competition is officially over! Here is the absolute worst website in the history of the Interwebs!
http://yvettesbridalformal.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

What's the number one Scottish spectator sport? Watching someone else buy a round!

Redneck Pick-Up Lines: "Are your parents retarded, 'cuz you're sure special." "My love for you is like diarrhea: I can't hold it in." "Is there a mirror in your pants because I can see myself in them." "You may not be the best-looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away." "Your eyes are bluer 'an window cleaner." "Did you fart, 'cause you blew me away." "Your face reminds me of a wrench: every time I see it, my nuts tighten!"


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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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