Joke For All: January 2009

Friday, January 30, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] January 30, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

So here's the point of 2D barcodes and CyberJoke 3000™. Anytime you need a CyberJoke in hurry, an icebreaker for a meeting, an opener for a speech, you can scan either of the two barcodes near the bottom of this email and get one of the ten jokes MSKYNET and I will offer daily. I'll embed them in every CyberJoke 3000™ from now on along with link to barcodes you can download and print anywhere yourself. Then anyone who scans it will also get a joke. And there's so much more that this technology can do. MSKYNET has many more great ideas coming soon. I can't wait to see what they come up with next!
http://mskynet.com/press/20090123_CyberJoke

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

An elderly couple was waking up one morning when the wife said, "Don't touch me." "Why not?" asked her husband. "Because I'm dead." "What are you talking about? We're lying here talking! You're not dead!" "No, I'm definitely dead." "You are not dead. What on earth makes you say that?" "Because for the first time in a long time, nothing hurts!"

Last night, I gazed at the brilliant full moon, the same moon, I thought, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagined they were standing there beside me. I told Socrates about the national debate over the right to die and wondered at the constancy of the human condition. I told Plato that our country has come closest to Utopia and showed him a copy of our Constitution. I told Aristotle that we now know of many more than his four basic elements and showed him the periodic table. Then I found a box of kitchen matches and struck one, causing them to all gasp in wonder. And then we spent the rest of the night lighting our farts.

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.

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Thursday, January 29, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] January 29, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Today you get a special treat: two exclusive CyberJoke barcodes. Snap a photo of them with your cell phone's barcode reader and you'll get a surprise response. What? You still don't have a 2D barcode reader ap on your phone? What are you waiting for? Use your cell phone's browser, go to this address, and download one for free:
http://www.mskynet.com/static/app
When you're done, snap the left one and then the right one.

Tomorrow: a new day dawns.

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

One guy said to another, "One day, Goldberg and Rosenstern were talking..." "Hold on there!" interrupted his friend. "Always with the Jewish jokes! Give it a rest. Why do you always joke about my people? For a change, how about a joke about some other ethnic group?" The first guy started over, "Okay, one day, Hashimoto and Suzuki were talking at their nephew's bar mitzvah..."

As the groom entered the church, the best man noticed he had the biggest, brightest smile on his face. "Boy, you sure look happy to be getting married." The groom replied, "Buddy, that's because I just got the best blow job of my life and I'm here to marry the woman who gave it to me!" In another part of the church, the maid of honor told the bride, "You look happier than I've ever seen you." The bride replied, "Honey, that's because I just gave my last blow job!"

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To contact me
For more humor, visit AlLowe.com.
Submit your jokes for CyberJoke 3000™ here.
Send your comments and feedback here.

Copyright Information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.

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Wednesday, January 28, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] January 28, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

So why am I excited about 2D barcodes? Besides the cool cutting edge technology, I saw a way to further my goal of making people laugh. What if MSKYNET's barcodes could tell jokes? But not just any jokes--CyberJokes! Now they can. You can now get a CyberJoke anywhere, anytime, via your cell phone. But, even better, you can share this ability with everyone else via your business cards, your email signature, or even your Facebook page! This video shows you just how easy it is. Tomorrow: your own secret barcode.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wv0npjL60_c

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

"Doctor, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people." "Okay. Tell me about your problem." "I just did, you idiot!"

A bloke went into a pub, sat down at the bar and ordered five pots. The barman wondered since he was alone, but served up the five pots. And the bloke downed them all... one, two, three, four, five. As he finished the last one, he called to the barman and ordered four more. The barman served up four pots and the bloke downed them... one, two, three, four. He belched, swayed a little on his stool, but ordered three more. And again he knocked them back... one, two, three. "Two potsh, mate!" he called. The barman served him two pots and down they went... one, two. "One pot, sssir!" The barman served him one but the bloke just sat there, staring at it, trying to focus. Then he told the barman, "Y'know, it'sh ssstrange, but the lesssh I drink, the drunker I feel!"

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Monday, January 26, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] January 27, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

So what good is a 2D barcode? In Japan, they're already using them for everything from ordering food from menus to transmitting business card information to asking trivia questions. How? You snap a photo of a 2D barcode with some special software you download to your cell phone. It decodes a link inside the barcode and pings a special server which feeds data somewhere else: to the kitchen, back to your cell phone's address book, or back to you as a text message. You can see what they look like here: Tomorrow: So what?
http://www.mskynet.com/static/squares

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

One balmy day in the South Pacific, a Navy ship saw smoke coming from one of three huts on an island that was supposed to be deserted. When the landing craft arrived at the shore, it was met by a "survivor." "Thank God you're here! I've been alone on this island for over three years!" The ship's captain replied, "But there are three huts." The survivor said, "Oh, well, yeah. I live in one and go to church in another." "But what about the third?" "Oh, that's where I used to go to church!"

Children in the front seat of a car can cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat of a car can cause children!

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Sunday, January 25, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] January 26, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Monday morning. Dead of winter. What else are you going to do today?
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=1661

I recently learned about a new startup company near Seattle called MSKYNET. They have this cool technology that enables you to embed up to 4KB of data in a new-style, 2D barcode. These don't look like the barcodes you're used to seeing--they're about the size of a postage stamp and covered with pixels. I think you'll soon see them everywhere. Tomorrow: What good are 2D barcodes?
http://www.MSKYNET.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

What's the best way to get a man to do sit-ups? Put the remote control between his toes!

For thirty years, Johnson never missed a day of work, was never even late. So when on one day began without Johnson, it caused a sensation. Everyone asked, "Where's Johnson?" Finally, when Johnson showed up after ten o'clock with clothes torn, dirty, covered with scratches and bruises, glasses bent, and limping painfully, all eyes were upon him. He announced, "I tripped in the subway and rolled down two flights of stairs. Nearly killed myself." His boss grumbled, "To roll down two flights of stairs took you an hour?"

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Friday, January 23, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] January 23, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Alex Berry sends along this petition that you may want to consider signing: started by the legendary Quincy Jones, it asks President Obama to appoint a Secretary of the Arts. Many other countries have Ministers of Art or Culture, why not us?
http://www.petitiononline.com/esnyc/petition.html

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

An accordion player finished his polka gig, threw his accordion in the back seat, and drove to an all-night grocery store. He was barely inside the store when he realized he had left his car unlocked! He ran back to the car and his fears were confirmed: inside were three more accordions!

The madam assembled all her girls for the pharmacists' convention. "This is Dolores," she announced. "For $300 she'll promise you an exciting evening starting in a hot tub. And this is Connie, a bargain at $400. She has an Oriental swing in her room. Or what about Maria? She loves straight and kinky sex, including bondage and you can have her all night for only $500." "Hang on a minute," interrupted one druggist. "Don't you have any generics?"

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Wednesday, January 21, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] January 22, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Jim Burke sends along this free web site that puts you in control of how your web pages print. Ever print a web page only to find your printer tray full of ads, empty space, and other junk? Try PrintWhatYouLike. The demo will show you how easy it is:
http://www.printwhatyoulike.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A sheriff's deputy pulled up beside a man dumping garbage from his pickup into a ditch. The cop asked, "Why are you dumping garbage there? Don't you see that sign right over your head?" "Yup, I saw it," he replied. "That's why I'm ah dumpin' it here. Don't it say 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'?"

Two guys were talking at the bar. One said, "I didn't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything and what she doesn't have she buys for herself. I asked a friend what to give her and he suggested a gift certificate for an hour of great sex, any way she wanted it." "Great idea! Did you do it?" "Yeah." "And did she like it?" "Yeah, that's why I'm here, drinking alone. She loved it so much, she jumped up and down, thanked me, and ran out the door, yelling, "See you in an hour!"

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[cyberjoke3000] January 21, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Steve Irving sends along this Wikipedia entry of unusual place names. Of course, unusual, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder, but I'm sure you'll agree there are some weird places here, including documentation of some on my Sight Gags page.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:SP-KP/ToDo/salvage2

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A bus driver was conducting a tour of famous Civil War battlefields. "Over there is where the Southern troops routed a whole platoon of Yankees." A little later, he said, "And over there is where the Rebs wiped out a whole regiment of Yanks." Another few miles and he announced, "And here's where we captured a thousand Union soldiers." A tourist asked him, "Did the North win any battles around here?" The driver answered, "Mebbe so, ma'am, but not while I'm driving!"

A lion was lying in its cage at the zoo, licking its butt, when a visitor asked the zookeeper, "That's a docile old thing lion, isn't it?" "No way," said the zookeeper. "It's the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Why not an hour ago it completely devoured a Frenchman who was foolish enough to get too close to its cage!" "Hardly seems possible," said the astonished visitor. "But why does it lick it's a$$ like that?" The zookeeper replied, "Probably trying to get the taste out of its mouth!"

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Monday, January 19, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] January 20, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

What an exciting day for America. Every presidential transition that I remember has been, but this one seems especially so. 80% of Americans are expected to watch at least some of today's ceremonies, an excellent start to bringing us together as a country. I'd love to be in D.C. today myself, but I'm happy to watch the excitment from here in the other Washington.

CBS television bought Cnet and with it got TV.com. They just opened a completely revamped site where you can see lots of shows (with short commercials before each). They even have remastered Star Trek episodes in HD, which looks great fullscreen on my 1920x1024 monitor. And, in case you missed last night's premiere of 24, it's there, too, in HD and with less commercials than on Fox.
http://www.tv.com/

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

After Little Johnny's first visit to "grown-up church" with his family, the minister asked him how he liked it. Little Johnny replied, "Well, the music was good but the commercial was too long!"

An Australian was walking along a country road in New Zealand when he saw a farmer going at it with a sheep. The Aussie yelled, "You know, mate, back home, we shear those!" The New Zealander looked around frantically and said, "I'm not shearing her with no one!"

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[cyberjoke3000] January 19, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

In honor of George W. Bush's last full day on the job, here are ten new sight gags that have nothing to do with him!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=1651

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A bus filled with tourists arrived at Runnymede, England. The guide announced, "And this is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta." One man in the rear asked, "When did that happen?" The guide answered, "1215." The man looked at his watch and says, "Dang! Missed it by half an hour!"

I mixed up my Preparation H with my Polident; now I talk like an a$shole, but at least my gums don't itch anymore!

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Thursday, January 15, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] January 16, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Our first grandchild, Clover Ann, was born yesterday, January 15, 2009, to our daughter and son-in-law. She weighs 7 lbs, 13 ozs, is 21" long, and is (of course) beautiful! Mother, daughter and father did great. All is well. Our hearts are filled with joy! From now on, you may officially refer to me as "Grandpa!" <grin>

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A man called his banker to check on his account. "Your finances are in terrible shape," said the banker. "Your checking account is overdrawn and your loan is overdue." "Yeah, I know," said the man. "It's my wife. She's out of control." "Well, why do you let her spend more than you have?" asked the banker. "Frankly," sighed the man, "because it's easier to argue with you than her!"

The preacher was having a heart-to-heart talk with one of his flock's backsliders, a man whose moonshine habit invariably led to quarrels and the occasional shotgun blast. "Ben, can't you see? Not one good thing comes out of your drinking?" Ben disagreed. "Well, maybe one: it makes me miss the folks I'm shootin' at!"

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[cyberjoke3000] January 15, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Honda has made some wonderful long-form commercials that were near-films. Today they announced a new site with three very short films that ask subjects to dream about the cars of the future. Thoughtful, interesting, and the softest sell imaginable.
http://dreams.honda.com/

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A pilot and co-pilot reviewed their flight plan for their trip back to the USS Enterprise. They were taking a Navy captain along and experience had taught them that even seasoned vets turn white-knuckled during a carrier landing. Once the captain was strapped in, the pilot turned around to welcome him aboard. "Sir," he asked, "will this be your first carrier landing?" Looking at him with disdain, he pulled opened his inflatable vest to display gold wings above five rows of ribbons. "Son," he said, "I have over 500 carrier landings in jet fighters." "That's good," said the co-pilot, "because it's our first!"

Mildred was so despondent over the death of her beloved Earl after 68 wonderful years of marriage that she decided to join him. She found his old pistol and decided to shoot herself in her broken heart. Not wanting to make a mistake and become a burden to others, she asked her doctor exactly where her heart was. Her doctor said, "A woman's heart is just below her left breast." That night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a bullet wound to her left knee!

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Wednesday, January 14, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] January 14, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Al Johnson sends along this convenient web page to prepare you for the mandated 2012 ban of regular light bulbs (which must be replaced by compact fluorescents which, of course, are only made in China!). Here's what to do when your CFL bulb burns out or breaks. You won't believe it:
http://tinyurl.com/8wwr49

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

"How were your seats at the baseball game last night, Jose?" "Oh, not so good. I was way out in the bleachers, by the flag pole." "That's too bad." "Not that bad. People were so friendly. Before the game started, they all stood up, looked right at me, and asked, 'Jose, can you see?'"

"Mom, can I go over to Little Johnny's house and watch the magic show?" "What are you talking about, dear?" "She must be really good cause Johnny heard his mom tell her friend she got $600 for doing six tricks last night!"

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Tuesday, January 13, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] January 13, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

It's been quite a while since I last updated my web site's Videos page, but I now have 74 brand new ones to share with you. Enjoy! But not all of them today, okay? Save a few for next time, okay?
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/video,theNewest.htm

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Body Statistics: It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. One human hair can support six pounds. The average man's pen¡s is three times the length of his thumb. Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet. Women blink twice as often as men. The average person's skin weighs twice as much as his brain. Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself while you stand still. If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it. Women reading this are now finished. Men reading this are still checking their thumbs!

Sung to the tune of I Will Survive: At first I was afraid. I was petrified. / When you said you had ten inches, Lord, I almost died! / But I'd spent so many years, just waiting for a man that long, / That I grew strong. And I knew that I could take you on. / But there you are, another lie! / I was ready for a Big Mac but you brought me a French fry! / I should have known that it was bullsh¡t, / just a sad pathetic dream. Should have known there was no anaconda lurking in those jeans! / Go on now. Go! Walk out the door. / Don't you promise me ten inches then turn up with only four! / Weren't you a jerk to think I wouldn't find you out!? / Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't count? / I will survive! I will survive! / Cause as long as I have batteries / My sex life's gonna thrive! / I will always have good sex, / With a handful of latex! / I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey! / It took all my self-control not to laugh out loud / When I saw your little wiener standing tall and proud! / But to hell with your ego and to hell with all your needs, / Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multi-speed! / I will survive! I will survive! / Cause as long as I have batteries / My sex life's gonna thrive! / I will always have good sex, / With a handful of latex! / I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!

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Monday, January 12, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] January 12, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Jack Bauer is back on TV. Sight gags are back on Al Lowe's Humor Site. Coincidence? Or conspiracy? You be the judge!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=1641

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Jim finished his drink, stood up, and appeared ready to head home. The bartender said, "Hey, buddy. Why're ya goin' home so soon? It's only ten o'clock. You're usually here until after midnight. Something wrong tonight?" Jim responded, "Nothing's wrong. I just got a sore butt from sitting so long on this bar stool." "Jim, I've got just the thing for you," said the bartender, reaching to a shelf behind the bar. He opened a bottle of pills and handed two to Jim. Jim looked at the pills and asked, "What's this? Aspirin?" "No," said the bartender. "Stool softener!"

Jack and Jill / Went up the hill / With a dollar and quarter. / Jill came down / With two and a half. / Do you think they went up for water?

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Thursday, January 8, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] January 9, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

According to the Sydney Morning Herald (thank you, Google Alerts!), it's easier to run DOS games now than when they were first released. DOSbox runs DOS games on Windows, Mac and Linux:
http://www.dosbox.com/
It can be tricky to configure, so download a helper tool: for Windows and Linux, use DOSbox Game Launcher:
http://home.quicknet.nl/qn/prive/blankendaalr/dbgl/
for Mac, use Boxer:
http://www.boxerapp.com/

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Two mice were in a warehouse looking for food when one suddenly heard the other chewing. "What did you find?" he asked. "It's a piece of celluloid from an old movie." "Which one?" "Let's see... it's from Gone with the Wind." "How is it?" "I liked the book better!"

How can you tell if your house was built by lesbian carpenters? It's all tongue in groove, with no studs!

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Wednesday, January 7, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] January 8, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Two years ago, I recommended that you watch Michal Levy's film, "Giant Steps." It's still available here:
http://michalevy.com/giantsteps_download
Now Michal has created a new 5-minute work, "One," created to some exciting music by Jason Lindner. The HD versions is highly recommended.
http://michalevy.com/one
Michal's website has development sketches and a storyboard that shows some of the steps in creating such projects:
http://michalevy.com/

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr Dre!

Before Sandy accepted Jim's proposal, she had to confess that a childhood illness had left her with breasts like a 12-year-old. Jim said, "Honey, that's okay. I love you so much. But I must confess that I, too, am not normal. My pen¡s is infant-sized. Will that affect your answer?" Sandy said, "No. I love you, too. When we're married, I'll learn to love your infant-sized pen¡s." On their honeymoon night, they rushed to the hotel and quickly started holding, touching, and teasing each other. But when Sandy reached into Jim's pants, she screamed. "Sandy! What's wrong?" She cried, "You said your pen¡s was infant-sized!" "It is... 8 pounds and 19 inches!"

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Tuesday, January 6, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] January 7, 2009

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Keith Thompson sends along this revolutionary new product from Apple, the MacBook Wheel:
http://www.theonion.com/content/video/apple_introduces_revolutionary

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Two drunks were headed for home late one night, staggering down the railroad tracks when one griped, "This is sure a long staircase." The other slurred back, "Well, the steps don't bother me as much as these stinking low handrails!"

A blonde wanted to open a new bar. Her lawyer explained that she needed a liquor license. She replied, "Oh, it's not gonna be that kind of a bar. That's disgusting!"

To change your email address
Go here, unsubscribe your old address, then resubscribe with your new address.

To contact me
For more humor, visit AlLowe.com.
Submit your jokes for CyberJoke 3000™ here.
Send your comments and feedback here.

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Joke For All

Friday, January 30, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] January 30, 2009

Thursday, January 29, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] January 29, 2009

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] January 28, 2009

Monday, January 26, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] January 27, 2009

Sunday, January 25, 2009

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Friday, January 23, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] January 23, 2009

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] January 22, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] January 21, 2009

Monday, January 19, 2009

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[cyberjoke3000] January 19, 2009

Thursday, January 15, 2009

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Wednesday, January 14, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] January 14, 2009

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] January 13, 2009

Monday, January 12, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] January 12, 2009

Thursday, January 8, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] January 9, 2009

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] January 8, 2009

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

[cyberjoke3000] January 7, 2009

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