Sunday, July 31, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] August 1, 2011



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Finally, Republicans and Democrats agree on something: they all love Sight Gags!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2961

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A man ordered a glass of white wine, took a sip, tossed the remainder into the bartender's face and started weeping. As the bartender wiped his face, the man said, "Oh, I'm so sorry. I always do that. I'm so embarrassed. It's a terrible compulsion." The bartender grew sympathetic. "Say, pal, I know a great psychoanalyst. My wife and I have both been treated by him. He's as good as they get." The customer promised to see him, and left. Months later, the same man returned and ordered another white wine. "Did you see my psychoanalyst?" "I sure did," said the man. "Twice a week for months now." He took a sip of his wine and threw the remainder into the bartender's face. As the bartender wiped his face with a towel, he said, "Obviously, he's done you no good." "On the contrary," claimed the man, "he's done a world of good. Now I'm not embarrassed at all!"

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but give a young woman breast implants and men will feed her for years!


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Thursday, July 28, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] July 29, 2011



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

I had no idea that my little cell phone tip would generate such input!

CyberJokester Alex Berry reminds everyone that, to American cell phone companies, Canada is a foreign country. A friend recently got billed $1,500 for a weekend in Whistler! And, to add insult to injury, T-Mobile just informed me that they'll be glad to tell me when my charges exceed any limit I set -- if I only pay them five bucks more per month!

CyberJokester S.J. says, if your phone is quad band and GSM, ask your provider for the unlock code. Explain that you are going overseas. But, if your phone is CDMA, when you get overseas, buy a cheap unlocked cell phone with a prepaid sim chip.

CyberJokester Fluffy says that cell phone providers are required by law to unlock your phone if you've been a customer in good standing for 90 days. Of course, you'll need a GSM phone (with AT&T and T-Mobile being the only national GSM carriers, plus a few regional carriers). So, before you travel, ask your carrier to unlock your phone. If they don't, you can report them to the FCC.

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

One psychiatrist to another: "Yesterday I had a patient who claimed to hear music every time he wore his hat." "Really? What did you do?" "I grabbed his hat and removed the band!"

A college professor, conducting a sexual survey, asked his lecture class some questions. "How many of you, on average, have sex more than once per day?" Some braggarts raised their hands. "And how many have sex on average of once per day?" A few more hands went up. "How many have sex, on average, five times per week?" More hands. "Four?" "Three?" Now the hands dwindled. "Once per month?" No one. "Once every three months?" No one. "Once every six months?" No one. "How about once per year?" One man near the back jumped up and pumped his arm in the air, yelling, "Me! Me!" The professor said, "Sir, I appreciate you rounding out the curve, but why are you so proud of having sex only once per year?" The man yelled, "Because tonight's the night!"


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Wednesday, July 27, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] July 28, 2011



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Steve Reeves reminds you that, while prepaid SIM cards are a good idea, it may not work for you. He says nearly all American phones are locked so a competitor's card won't work. Plus, most American phones use a different frequency scheme than the rest of the world so your phone may not work at all. The important point to remember on all this is: if you're going overseas, talk to your coverage provider first!

CyberJokester Neil Rubenking recommends asking your cell company for an "international package." It may even be free. AT&T's free package lets you send a text for 50¢, receive unlimited texts, while keeping voice calls incedibly expensive. They also have a package with reduced costs, if that makes sense for you. So ask!

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Texting for Senior Citizens: ATD: at the doctor; BFF: best friend fell; BTW: bring the wheelchair; BYOT: bring your own teeth; FWIW: forgot where I was; GGPBL: gotta go, pacemaker battery low; GHA: got heartburn again; IMHO: is my hearing aid on? LMDO: laughing my dentures out; OMMR: on my massage recliner; ROFLACGU: rolling on floor laughing and can't get up; TTYL: talk to you louder.

Hysterectomy: When they remove the baby carriage but leave the playpen!


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Tuesday, July 26, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] July 27, 2011



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Viktor Steinmann suggests a better option for roaming: buy a prepaid SIM card for the country in which you're travelling. "In most European countries, you can buy prepaid SIM cards for data or a voice card with a special data option for about 2¢ per meg ($20/GB)." Plus, that way no one can call you while you're on vacation!

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

I once toured the Grand Canyon on a donkey! That was one long a$$ ride!

A lion was deep in some brush, screwing a zebra, when he suddenly spotted Mrs. Lion through the bushes. Thinking quickly, he grabbed the zebra by the shoulders and whispered in her ear, "Quick! Act like I'm killing you!"


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Monday, July 25, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] July 26, 2011



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Be sure to call your cellphone company before traveling overseas. I asked T-Mobile how much data would cost roaming and they replied, "$15 per megabyte." I was astounded. "$15,000 per gigabyte?!" "No. $15 per megabyte." Which is, of course, the same thing! Yes, that's their rate. You could ask for a discounted temporary plan. Or, at least, learn how to turn off your phone's data roaming feature.

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A blonde, weed-whacking her yard, accidentally cut off her cat's tail. She rushed it to Wal-Mart. Why? Because Wal-Mart is the world's largest re-tailer!

The Urban Dictionary defines rezerection as morning wood of biblical proportions

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Sunday, July 24, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] July 25, 2011



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Finally! Summer arrived in Seattle. We got over 80° today! And I've had just about enough of this hot weather!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2951

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Kate Middleton asked the Queen, "What's the secret to a successful marriage?" The Queen replied, "Wear your seatbelt and don't piss me off!"

When a woman arouses a man and then leaves, she is known as a co¢k teaser. But what do you call a man who arouses a woman and then leaves? A moisturizer!


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Friday, July 22, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] July 22, 2011



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Watch this POV video as "Monster" Tajima makes his record-breaking run up Pikes Peak in just under ten minutes driving a modified Suzuki SX4. Check the views off to the side of the car; he has very little room for error!
http://bit.ly/nrgfpK

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Best Line By A Woman In A Singles Ad: "If we meet for drinks and you don't look like your photo, you're buying me drinks until you do!"

"Doctor, I'm afraid that the girl I've been dating is a sex maniac. Every night for weeks I've been trying to break off the whole lurid affair, but every night I can't bring myself to do it." "Really? Tell me more." "Every night we end up at her place. She asks me to put my arm around her. And then she reaches over and takes my hand." The psychiatrist, trying to maintain his professional demeanor, asked, "And then?" The young man replied, "And then? You mean, there's more?"


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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Wednesday, July 20, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] July 21, 2011



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Remember Flight 1549, the "Miracle on the Hudson?" Watch this amazing 3D recreation of the entire flight, including all the radio traffic. And at the end there are links to more videos with other commentary, including actual radar data. Fascinating! And frightening.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tE_5eiYn0D0

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Comedian Steven Wright says, "Did you ever notice how it's 'a penny for your thoughts,' but you put in 'your two cents worth'? Somebody is making money on this deal!"

"Darling, is this the first time you've ever done it standing up?" "Not really. Would you like to be really daring?" "Sure!" "Let's both turn loose of these subway straps!"


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Tuesday, July 19, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] July 20, 2011



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Want a nice safe car? That weighs ten tons and costs a half million dollars? Watch as Top Gear test drives "The World's Most Unstoppable Vehicle."
http://www.flixxy.com/top-gear-marauder-test-drive.htm

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

How dry is it in the Midwest this summer? It's so dry I saw a mosquito carrying a canteen. It's so dry the chicken farmers had to give their chickens crushed ice so they wouldn't lay hard-boiled eggs. It's so dry, I caught a catfish that had ticks on it! It's so dry I saw a fire hydrant bribing a dog.

"When do you have to be home?" "How much cash do you have?" "Oh, a couple of thousand on me." "Not till Tuesday!"


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Copyright information
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Monday, July 18, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] July 19, 2011



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Thought I was kidding about no summer in Seattle this year? This morning's PI agrees: 78 minutes of temps over 80° so far this year!
http://bit.ly/oU6mCc

Have you tried Google+ yet? If so, you're probably wondering how to transfer all your Facebook friends to Google+. CyberJokester Andreas Wallstrom sends along this short video that shows you an easy way to move them all at once.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KoR0lirqRWE

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

After thirty years of marriage, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He paused a moment and then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H. And I, J, K." She asked, "Just what does that mean?" He replied, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot." She smiled happily. "That's lovely! But what about I, J, K?" He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

Businessman to call girl: "I'm surprised at how little you charge for what you do." Call girl to businessman: "Well, frankly, I also do a little blackmailing on the side!"


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Copyright information
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[cyberjoke3000] July 18, 2011



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

While the rest of the country bakes, Seattle is still waiting for summer to start. But you don't have to wait ...for some fresh sight gags!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2941

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic!

"Son, I don't want you going out with that girl any more. She's just too wild." "Aw, shucks, maw, she ain't that wild -- anybody can ride her!"


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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Friday, July 15, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] July 15, 2011



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Doug Bulger sends along this excellent visualization of just how big large amounts of money are if they were stacks of hundred-dollar bills. A trillion bucks is still a lot of money!
http://www.wtfnoway.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A man, sitting at home alone, heard a knock on the door. He opened it to find two sheriff's deputies. One deputy asked, "Sir, are you married?" "Yes, I am, officer. Why?" "Do you have a photograph of your wife?" "Yeah." He grabbed a photo off the mantle. The deputy said, "I'm sorry, sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck." The guy replied, "I know, but she's an excellent cook, and the kids seem to like her!"

Things You Don't Want to Hear A Woman Say: "My lease is up next month; can I move in with you?" "My parents are so excited to meet you." "I'm gonna stop counting calories and just enjoy life." "I thought I was your best friend." "I'm gonna cut my hair really short." "Have you seen my birth control pills? I haven't taken them in weeks." "You're my first ...white guy." "Did you go to a strip club?" "You should come to bible study with me." "Let's take a class together." "I just went through your emails -- who's Marissa?" "How come we never chat when you're at work?" "Do you think about me when you pleasure yourself?" "I got the weekend off so we can spend even more time together." "Do you think my sister's pretty?"


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Wednesday, July 13, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] July 14, 2011



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Fluffy sends along another shortcut keystroke for our collection: Ctrl-L (Cmd-L on Mac) to jump to the address bar of your browser. And Internet Explorer users can use F4.

Most camera flashes have a range of less than ten feet. So save your battery if you're farther away by turning the flash off. This means at concerts, at sporting events... and lots of other places.

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AL

Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A Plea for Help: Americans always band together to help overcome adversity. We have weathered wars overseas, terrorist attacks, corporate scandals, layoffs, unemployment, stock market crashes, droughts, fires, mad cow disease, SARS, high gasoline prices, disasters great and small. But now, we must overcome our greatest challenge yet: hundreds of N.F.L. players will be locked out, forced to live at well below seven-figure salaries, deprived of pay for months. But you can help! For only $27,000 a month, a mere $900 a day (less than the cost of a new flat screen TV per day), you can help an NFL player in need. Of course, this won't solve the problem (as it barely covers his minimum salary), but it's a start! Although $900 may not seem like much money to you, to a football player it may mean the difference between golfing in Florida or taking that Mediterranean cruise. For you, $900 may be rent, mortgage payment, or medical insurance for your family, but to a football player, $900 is a mere part of his daily salary. Help him buy yet another home theater, trade in that horrible year-old Lexus, or enjoy a weekend in Rio. Upon signing up, you'll get an unsigned photo of your player, lounging on a Caribbean beach. (For signed photos, include an additional $1,000.) Put his photo on your refrigerator to remind you of his suffering. Remember: a lifestyle is a horrible thing to waste!

He had had quite a night: wining and dining, followed by love-making all night long. As he prepared to leave the next morning, she rolled over and asked, "Darling, before you go, how about some money?" He sheepishly replied, "You've done enough for me already. I'll just grab a cup of coffee on my way out!"


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For more humor, visit allowe.com.
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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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[cyberjoke3000] July 13, 2011



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Don't reach for the mouse to type a new address in your browser, press Alt+D. The current address will be highlighted. And then don't delete it; when you start typing, it's replaced automatically. Just type the site name you want.

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AL

Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Why are there no dumb brunettes? Peroxide.

In Paris, everyone dates until the oui hours.


To hear jokes instead of reading them, download "Al's Comedy Club" for your iPhone, iPod, or iPad. It's less than a buck!


For a free subscription to CyberJoke 3000™
If you can read, you qualify! And it really is free.
You can learn more about it here.
Every past issue is here.
To join, send a blank email here.
To quit, send a blank email here.

To change your email address
Go here, unsubscribe your old address, then resubscribe with your new address.

To contact me
For more humor, visit allowe.com.
Submit your jokes for CyberJoke 3000™ here.
Send your comments and feedback here.

Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Tuesday, July 12, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] July 12, 2011



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

There's no need to press Delete or Backspace to clear out highlighted text before you type: just start typing. The first letter you type will erase the highlighted text.

Got a joke to share with me? Send it here. If you received this email from a friend, why not start your own free subscription? It's easy. See below.

AL

Today's CyberJoke 3000™

At McDonald's today, when I finally got to the front of the long line, my obese teenaged server said, "Sorry about the wait." I told her, "Don't worry. You'll lose it eventually!"

"911. Please state your emergency." "I want to report a burglar trapped in an old maid's bedroom." After confirming the correct address, the dispatcher asked, "And who is this?" The frightened man's voice replied, "This is the burglar!"


To hear jokes instead of reading them, download "Al's Comedy Club" for your iPhone, iPod, or iPad. It's less than a buck!


For a free subscription to CyberJoke 3000™
If you can read, you qualify! And it really is free.
You can learn more about it here.
Every past issue is here.
To join, send a blank email here.
To quit, send a blank email here.

To change your email address
Go here, unsubscribe your old address, then resubscribe with your new address.

To contact me
For more humor, visit allowe.com.
Submit your jokes for CyberJoke 3000™ here.
Send your comments and feedback here.

Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Monday, July 11, 2011

PLEASE, RESPOND URGENTLY!!



PLEASE, RESPOND URGENTLY!!
Reply me through this email  mr.daliom01@gmail.com
Dear Friend,

I want to transfer US$10.5 Million to your bank account. The fund belong to
our deceased customer who died with his entire family in Iraq War 2006,
leaving nobody for the claim and as such, I decided to contact you as to
enable us claim the fund. Your share is 40% while 60% for me. Contact me for more details:
This transaction is 100% risk free.

If You Accept This Offer To Work With Me, And You Find This Proposal Suitable For You With Sincerity, Do Furnish Me With The Following Information.

Your Full Name...................
Your Country................
Your Private Telephone...............
Your Age....................
Your Occupation...............

I Will Appreciate It Very Much, If This Proposal Is Acceptable By You, Do Not Make Undue Advantage Of The Trust I Have Bestowed On You, And I Assured You We Can Achieve It Successfully.

Thanks,
Mr. Mr.Dalio Marvin,
Islamic Development Bank
Ouagadougou, Burkina-Faso.

[cyberjoke3000] July 11, 2011



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

It's hot. Enjoy a cool refreshing sight gag on me!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2931

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AL

Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A man entered his psychiatrist's office and said, "Doc, I'm suicidal. What should I do?" The shrink replied, "Pay me in advance!"

After informing him that he had V.D., the doctor added, "I've been expecting you for some time, Larry. That wife of yours sure does get around!"


To hear jokes instead of reading them, download "Al's Comedy Club" for your iPhone, iPod, or iPad. It's less than a buck!


For a free subscription to CyberJoke 3000™
If you can read, you qualify! And it really is free.
You can learn more about it here.
Every past issue is here.
To join, send a blank email here.
To quit, send a blank email here.

To change your email address
Go here, unsubscribe your old address, then resubscribe with your new address.

To contact me
For more humor, visit allowe.com.
Submit your jokes for CyberJoke 3000™ here.
Send your comments and feedback here.

Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Sunday, July 10, 2011

YOURE ARE LUCKY JVKMLOLLJG

Your email has won you the Microsoft email lottery Pleas View the attached letter and contact your agent DDUZYYTNFSJJBPUSYDIEPMFNYZBOYJJJFZMTPP

Friday, July 8, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] July 8, 2011



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

You can skip the inane 15-second voice-mail instructions when leaving a message ("To page this person, press 5") if you know your friend's cellphone carrier. If it's Verizon, press * to cut directly to the beep. For AT&T or Sprint, press 1. For T-Mobile, press #. And your friends will thank you if you change your message to "Press * [or # or ??] at any time to skip this message."

Got a joke to share with me? Send it here. If you received this email from a friend, why not start your own free subscription? It's easy. See below.

AL

Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A guy on a tractor told me the end of the world was coming. It was Farmer Geddon!

As the john said to the madam: "I want a girl just like the girl that buried dear old dad!"


To hear jokes instead of reading them, download "Al's Comedy Club" for your iPhone, iPod, or iPad. It's less than a buck!


For a free subscription to CyberJoke 3000™
If you can read, you qualify! And it really is free.
You can learn more about it here.
Every past issue is here.
To join, send a blank email here.
To quit, send a blank email here.

To change your email address
Go here, unsubscribe your old address, then resubscribe with your new address.

To contact me
For more humor, visit allowe.com.
Submit your jokes for CyberJoke 3000™ here.
Send your comments and feedback here.

Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Wednesday, July 6, 2011

[cyberjoke3000] July 7, 2011



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Cosimo Stufano sends along this interesting, and unusual, article: The Protozoa That Has Seven Sexes. Seriously.
http://bit.ly/qkQdxO

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AL

Today's CyberJoke 3000™

I live in a two story house; there's my story and then there's hers!

The teacher asked Little Suzi, "What is a pessimist?" Suzi responded, "That's the thing a man wears when he doesn't want to make babies." The appalled teacher said, "Certainly not!" and continued on with her lesson. "Now, class: what is an optimist?" Little Johnny's hand flew up. "That's a guy who doesn't use a pessimist!"


To hear jokes instead of reading them, download "Al's Comedy Club" for your iPhone, iPod, or iPad. It's less than a buck!


For a free subscription to CyberJoke 3000™
If you can read, you qualify! And it really is free.
You can learn more about it here.
Every past issue is here.
To join, send a blank email here.
To quit, send a blank email here.

To change your email address
Go here, unsubscribe your old address, then resubscribe with your new address.

To contact me
For more humor, visit allowe.com.
Submit your jokes for CyberJoke 3000™ here.
Send your comments and feedback here.

Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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