Joke For All: July 2013

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] July 31, 2013

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

In high school, I was interested in science, saved my money, and bought an inexpensive refracting telescope. The moon's image would fill the lens. But it was nothing compared with what you can see now on your computer, thanks to NASA's Lunar Reconnaissance Orbiter and this video!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2iSZMv64wuU

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Definition of Golf: an endless series of tragedies, obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by beer.

I met a woman at a party and, as luck would have it, she invited me to her apartment. After a couple of drinks and some heavy kissing, she excused herself and returned wearing a massive strap-on. "What?!" I cried. "You never told me you were a divorce lawyer!"

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Monday, July 29, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] July 30, 2013

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Heard of Burning Man but never been? This video gives you a small taste of what to expect.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yHs10FPEeAw

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

After her divorce was final, a young woman went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles to have her maiden name reinstated on her license. "Is there a change of address, too?" asked the clerk. "No." "Oh, good. You got the house!"

The mayor ordered the police captain to raid the local bordello, which was embarrassing because he and his men occasionally patronized it themselves. The captain rang the establishment, but all the girls and the madam were off shopping. The place was closed. Only the cleaning lady answered the phone. The captain told her, "Tell the madam that we're gonna stage a raid tomorrow night but we'll warn her first. We'll honk the horn, drive around the block, honk the horn again, drive around the block again, etc. at least four times before we come in. Understand?" "Yeah." But the cleaning lady was gone by the time the girls got back from shopping and she forgot all about it. The next day it was "business as usual" when the police arrived, honked, circled, honked, circled, etc. before charging inside. Dashing up the stairs, they collided with two naked women who were running downstairs carrying a mattress. The captain roared, "What are you doing?" One girl cried, "Don't blame us! Some jerk outside is honking for curb service!"

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Friday, July 26, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] July 26, 2013

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

I'm no expert on bluegrass, but these three young boys (ages 9, 13 and 14) blew me away. Listen to them play Earl Schruggs's "Shuckin' the Corn" in their bedroom:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bjvlEUdvi4U

That video was so impressive, it got them a gig on David Letterman:

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=GXcRI0BdioE

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

It took the wedding photographer a long time to get through all the family groups wanting to pose with the wedding party. The groom sat nearby, impatiently waiting. Finally, the photographer announced, "Now I'd like to get the bride alone." The groom looked up and responded, "So would I!"

What's the best thing to do when a beautiful woman sits on your hand? Try to get her off!

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Wednesday, July 24, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] July 25, 2013

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Richard Neill posted this funny "essay" on Facebook page of Bodyform MaxiPads:
http://on.fb.me/15ZkpXa
Over 100,000 people "liked" it. Instead of ignoring it, Bodyform struck back with sarcasm and humor of its own:
http://bit.ly/1bVGcnx

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Roseanne Barr says: "Women complain about PMS, but to me, it's the only time of the month I can be myself!"

Their 10-year-old daughter dropped a bombshell at Sunday dinner. "I'm not a virgin any more." He turned to his wife and said, "That's your fault! Always flirting with other men, commenting on every hunk on TV, swearing like a sailor!" Then he faced his 18-year-old daughter. "And you, you're also to blame! You screw every guy you meet. And I know about all those sex toys in your bedside table!" His wife countered, "Shut up! You spend money on whores. The only movies you own are porn! And that slutty secretary of yours!" She turned to the little girl who started it all, and her voice softened. "How did it happen, darling? Did some boy at school seduce you?" "What? No, Mom! The teacher changed the cast of the Easter play so I'm now part of the crowd at the cross instead of a virgin!"

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Tuesday, July 23, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] July 24, 2013

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

The Rijksmuseum in Amsterdam wanted to call attention to the reopening of their museum after lengthy remodeling so they used an elaborate flash mob to stage one of their most famous paintings, Rembrandt’s 1642 “Guards of the Night.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a6W2ZMpsxhg

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A dog walked into a bar and announced, "I'm a talking dog! Have you ever seen a talking dog before? Of course not! So, how about a free drink?" The bartender answered, "Sure, why not? The toilet's right over there!"

There is no truth in the rumor that the Catholic Church's new anthem will be "Concerto for Organ in A Minor!"

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Monday, July 22, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] July 23, 2013

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

The Adventurezator is an "emergent adventure game about creating emergent adventure games!" It has been featured on Rock-Paper-Shotgun, AdventureGamers.com and a Staff Pick on Kickstarter. But they need your help to make their goal. Check them out and then help them out. I did!
http://bit.ly/13M3xG5

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Women, you may as well go for the younger man -- they never mature anyway!

The Straight Man's Dilemma: When you're lying in a big bed with a beautiful naked woman on your left and a gay man on your right and you don't know who to turn your back on!

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Sunday, July 21, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] July 22, 2013

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

To celebrate the success of Leisure Suit Larry: Reloaded, I’m going to send you ten brand-new sight gags here:
http://www.allowe.com/humor/sight-gags.html?PicNumber=3891
if you buy a copy of the game from the App Store or here:
http://bit.ly/LSLReloaded

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Marriage is finding that one special person you can annoy for the rest of your life.

A girl was telling her date about her old boyfriend, all the while, stroking her beer bottle from top to bottom. Finally her date had enough. "You're always thinking about him. Why not think about me for a change?" She said, "Okay," and started stroking the bottle's neck.

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Thursday, July 18, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] July 19, 2013

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Leisure Suit Larry: Reloaded is one of only seven candidates for "Game of the Week" on Pocket Gamer. Help us publicize the game by going to their Facebook Fan Page and "Like" Pocket Gamer, then click here to vote for Larry. Just be sure you do it before noon this Monday! And please help us spread the word: the iOS version is already rated 4-stars! Grab it from the App Store. It plays great on iPad. (Sadly, the Android version has a serious flaw, so we pulled it until we can get it right. Soon. Soon!)

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

It is believed the human body has more than 7 trillion nerves. And my wife manages to get on every damned one of them!

A Scotsman approached the pharmacist with a small bottle and a spoon. He poured some liquid onto the spoon and offered it to the pharmacist. "Would you taste this for me, please?" The pharmacist put it in his mouth, swilled it around, and swallowed it. "Does that taste sweet to you?" said the Scot. "Not at all," said the pharmacist. "Oh, that's a relief. My doctor said you would test my urine for sugar!"

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Wednesday, July 17, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] July 18, 2013

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Great news! After weeks of waiting, Leisure Suit Larry: Reloaded is finally available for iOS devices in the Apple store! See what AppShopper says:
http://appshopper.com/games/leisure-suit-larry-reloaded

Got a favorite online username? Grab it before someone else does with "Name Chk." It searches over a hundred sites to see your fave’s available.

http://namechk.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

What's the difference between mass and weight? Mass is where Catholics go on Sunday. Weight is where sundaes go on Catholics.

A woman entered a pet store to buy a songbird and found a beautiful bird, happily singing her heart out. But in the cage with her was a dull, haggard bird, its head drooping. She asked the clerk, "How much for this songbird?" He replied, "I'm sorry, but you have to buy the pair." She said, "But that other bird is slumped over and depressed, while this happy bird sings beautifully. Why do I need them both?" "He's her arranger!"

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[cyberjoke3000] July 17, 2013

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

I think this makes it a "Sierra sweep:" Jim Walls, creator of the classic Sierra adventure series “Police Quest,” began a Kickstarter campaign yesterday to create a new police adventure game called "Precinct." Check it out and lend your support here:
http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/precinctgame/precinct

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Hostess has brought back Twinkies and, in quite a coup, got New York electoral hopefuls Eliot Spitzer and Anthony Weiner to endorse Ho-Hos and Ding Dongs!

A young woman, pregnant for the first time, asked her doctor about the pain. "How much will the birth hurt me?" Her doctor answered, "Well, it varies... and it's difficult to describe pain." "Yes, I know, but could you give me an idea?" "Well, try this: grab your upper lip and pull it out a little." "Like this?" "Yes. Now stretch it over your head!"

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Monday, July 15, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] July 16, 2013

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Have you heard about Lumi? It's a website that uses your browser history to find new articles that you will be interested in. It sure worked for me! Check it out:

https://lumi.do

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A couple, celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary, was asked to share the secret of their long marriage. The husband answered, "Never criticize your wife for her shortcomings or her mistakes. Remember: it's because of them that she couldn't find a better husband!"

Euphemisms for Impotence: Schwing and a miss. A few parts shy of an Erector set. Not rising to the level of impeachable offense. The Null Monte. 180 degrees shy of heaven. Taking the gold at the Lake Flaccid Olympics. Ascension Deficit Disorder. Bouncing the check of love. Your less-than-Magic Johnson. Disappointing Miss Daisy. Welcome to Flaccid City, population: you. Serving boneless pork. Unleavened Man-Bread. Performing with Flacido Domingo.

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Sunday, July 14, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] July 15, 2013

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

So what if your lawn is drying up? Have a refreshing sight gag!
http://www.allowe.com/humor/sight-gags.html?PicNumber=3881

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The restaurant manager pulled the waitress aside. "I want you to put on your cutest uniform, fix your hair, do your makeup, and walk your extra-sexy walk." She smiled. "Something special tonight?" He replied, "No. The beef is tough!"

Why is 68 the speed limit for blondes? Because at 69, they blow a rod!

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Friday, July 12, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] July 12, 2013

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

I want to thank everyone who wrote me about yesterday’s video. I never thought the video was real, just a clever trick. So if you believe there is really a stairwell where you can walk up and end up down, you may now sit down. <grin>

We got word today that Leisure Suit Larry: Reloaded is now available in the Mac OSX store. We still have no idea why it got approved almost instantly (less than one day!), while the iTunes store has been playing it for three weeks now. But, I’m sure there’s a good reason. Anyway, if you have a Mac, grab a copy or three!

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A drunk stumbled up to the bandstand with a request. "Do you know 'Snot, the Pale'?" The band was stumped. "'Snot, the pale'? Never heard of it." "Waaahut kinda band are yew?" slurred the drunk. "Can you sing a few bars for us? Maybe that would help." Pulling himself up, he began, "Snot, the pale... mooooon that excites me..."

I'm not saying she's easy, but her tights have a pet door!

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Joke For All

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] July 31, 2013

Monday, July 29, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] July 30, 2013

Friday, July 26, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] July 26, 2013

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] July 25, 2013

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] July 24, 2013

Monday, July 22, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] July 23, 2013

Sunday, July 21, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] July 22, 2013

Thursday, July 18, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] July 19, 2013

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] July 18, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] July 17, 2013

Monday, July 15, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] July 16, 2013

Sunday, July 14, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] July 15, 2013

Friday, July 12, 2013

[cyberjoke3000] July 12, 2013

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