Tuesday, February 28, 2017

[cyberjoke3000] March 1, 2017



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Boston Dynamics has done it again. Meet "Handle," their latest robot. It's taller, stronger and faster than most humans.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/-7xvqQeoA8c 

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Just as intermission began at the opera, Mrs. Sternberg rose from her seat and cried, "Is there a doctor in the house? Is there a doctor in the house?!" A man pushed his way to her. "I'm a doctor. How can I help?" "Oh, doctor! I have the loveliest daughter I want you to meet!"

"Mom, I'm pregnant. And it's all your fault!" announced the sixteen-year-old. Her mother paled. "My fault? How is that my fault? I bought you books; I showed you pictures; I told you the facts of life!" "Yeah, Mom, but you never taught me how to give a proper blow job!" 

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I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Monday, February 27, 2017

[cyberjoke3000] February 28, 2017



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Al Bryda sends along this 1992 appearance by Steve Martin on The Tonight Show. 24 years later, it still makes me laugh! It’s "The Great Flydini."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s9xKU8eYCFk 

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

I nearly talked my way out of a speeding ticket yesterday by telling the female cop how attractive she was. But then I just had to add ..."and that'sh not jussss' the liquor talking, either, babe!"

The new hooker reported for her first day at the brothel. The madam asked her, "Do you have any questions?" She said, "Well, one: I was wondering how long penises should be sucked?" Madam replied, "The same amount as the short ones!" 

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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[cyberjoke3000] February 27, 2017



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

“And the winner of the best gag goes to ‘La La...’ uh, um, ‘Sight Gags’!”
http://www.allowe.com/humor/sight-gags.html?PicNumber=5771

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Programmers Only: What did the big endian say to the little endian? Zip up, your significant bits are showing!

Before Oral Roberts passed, he grew appalled at the high rate of teen pregnancies and decided to do something about it. After much research, he came up with a new book containing reasonable guidelines and an alternate behavior to prevent unwanted pregnancies. Perhaps you've seen it? It's entitled "Oral Sex." 

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Friday, February 24, 2017

[cyberjoke3000] February 24, 2017



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Bob Yetter sends along this incredible performance of strength and agility by Shcherbak Popov, set to “Singing in the Rain” by Gene Kelly.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zgagZxkGfMA
And if you enjoy that, watch "I Like Myself," not as good a song, but Kelly dances -- on roller skates, the old strap-on kind with a metal wheel on each corner! (Imagine what he could have done on 'blades!)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KgAmXb5UZlY 

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Rural Advice: Keep skunks and bankers at a distance. Make your fences horse-high, pig-tight, and bull-strong. Life is simpler when you plow around the stump. A bumblebee is faster than a John Deere. Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled. Meanness doesn't happen overnight. It doesn't take a big man to carry a grudge. You cannot unsay a cruel word. When you wallow with pigs you should expect to get dirty. Never corner anything meaner than you. Most stuff that people worry about ain't gonna happen anyway. Don't judge folks by their relatives. Sometimes silence is the best answer. Timing has a lot to do with the success of a rain dance. The biggest troublemaker you deal with watches you from the mirror every morning. When you're in a hole, stop diggin'. Always drink upstream from the herd. Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment. Letting the cat out of the bag is easier than putting it back in. When you think you're a person of influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around. Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly.

Jack was nimble, but Jack was quick, so Jill preferred, a candlestick! 

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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Thursday, February 23, 2017

[cyberjoke3000] February 23, 2017



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Jyrki Parviainen sends along this short video proving that you can have fun in freezing cold. These Finns do!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G9Xd0xn7AHs

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

"I want a wife like the moon." "Oh, you mean calm, bright, and beautiful?" "No, one who arrives at night and is gone by morning!"

A man spotted two attractive women at the end of the bar and told the bartender to buy them a round of drinks. The bartender replied, "Don't waste your money, pal. They're lesbians." "I don't care. Give them whatever they want and put it on my tab." The bartender did so, and both ladies raised their glasses to the man. Soon the guy walked over between them, put an arm on each's shoulder, and asked, "So, girls? What part of Lesby are you from?" 

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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Wednesday, February 22, 2017

[cyberjoke3000] February 22, 2017



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

As a man who's been married for nearly fifty years, I can relate to this video from Jason Headley: "It's not about the nail." Thanks, Bob Yetter!

https://vimeo.com/66753575 

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Darrell wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer and his coworkers were always ribbing him. One day, Gus asked him, "Darrell? Have you seen Ben?" "Ben who?" Gus laughed and answered, "Ben' down and kiss my ass!" Tired of playing the fool, Darrell confided to his more-worldly brother, who said, "Darrell, the next time you see Gus, ask him if he's seen Eileen. He'll ask, 'Eileen who?' and then you say, 'I lean over and you can kiss my ass'!" With his lines memorized, the next day Darrell found Gus and yelled, "Gus! Have you seen Eileen?" Gus answered, "No. She ran off with Ben." And Darrell asked, "Ben who?"

"Girl, are your pants a compressed archive? 'Cause I'd love to unZIP them!" 

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I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Tuesday, February 21, 2017

[cyberjoke3000] February 21, 2017



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

We often forget that the people in those old black and white photographs were just as colorful as we are. Now someone has colorized these historical photos and the people look so different!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dov50PAsj5M 

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A zebra lived her whole life in a zoo but was getting on in age, so the zoo decided to let her spend her final years on a farm. The zebra was excited to see a huge pasture with green grass and hills and many strange animals. She went up to a fat brown thing and said, "I'm a zebra, what are you?" "I'm a cow." "What do you do?" "I make milk for the farmer." Then the zebra went up to a little white bird and said, "I'm a zebra, what are you?" "I'm a chicken." "What do you do?" "I make eggs for the farmer." Then the zebra went up to a handsome beast that looked a lot like her except with no stripes and said, "What are you?" "I'm a stallion." "What do you do?" "How about you take off them fancy pajamas and I'll show you!"

What does a stripper do with her asshole before starting work? Drops him off for his shift at McDonald's! 

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I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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Sunday, February 19, 2017

[cyberjoke3000] February 20, 2017



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Happy President’s Day! You look like you could use a good laugh:
http://www.allowe.com/humor/sight-gags.html?PicNumber=5761 

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A Christian missionary was on his first visit to a tribe of cannibals. He asked the cannibal chief, "Do your people know anything about religion?" The chief answered, "Well, we got a taste of it from the last missionary who was here!"

A man asked his wife, "Dear, were you faking it last night?" She said, "No. I really was asleep." 

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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Thursday, February 16, 2017

[cyberjoke3000] February 17, 2017



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Jeffrey Katz sends along this Smarter Every Day video that asks, "Who are you going to believe -- me, or your lying eyes?"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_FlV6pgwlrk 

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The Three Stages of Sleep: When you're a kid, you don't want to sleep but you have to. When you're an adult, you want to sleep but you can't. And when you're old, you don't want to sleep but you do!

When the gays and lesbians went hiking, who got to the campsite first? The lesbians got there lickety-split while the gays were still packing their shit! 

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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Wednesday, February 15, 2017

[cyberjoke3000] February 16, 2017



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

You've probably seen Martin Newell's teapot; he digitized it decades ago, when 3D objects were just beginning. Now his actual teapot is in the Computer History Museum in Mountain View, California. And here is its story:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TIxt9guMbXo 

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Some people would be better off if they replaced their Chapstick with a glue stick!

Elmer told Bruce, "Tomorrow's my twenty-fifth anniversary, so I got the wife a nice present." Bruce says, "That's nice. What'd you get her?" Elmer said, "A monkey." "A monkey?! Where in the world will you keep it?" "In bed. With us." Bruce asked, "In bed? What about the smell?" Elmer said, "Hell, if I can put up with it for twenty-five years, it ain't gonna bother a monkey!" 

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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Tuesday, February 14, 2017

[cyberjoke3000] February 15, 2017



It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Lys Xen was the first of many CyberJokesters to send along the news that Good Old Games is now selling my game Freddy Pharkas, Frontier Pharmacist online for only six bucks (of which I earn a whopping nothing). But it's still nice to see it readily available again!

https://www.gog.com/game/freddy_pharkas_frontier_pharmacist 

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The skydiving instructor was going through the question and answer period with his new students. One asked the usual question: "If our main chute doesn't open, and our reserve chute doesn't open, how long do we have before we hit the ground?" The instructor was ready and, in perfect deadpan, answered, "The rest of your life."

Priests are different from rabbis. A priest doesn't get laid because he can't get married while a rabbi doesn't get laid because he is married! 

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Copyright information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.



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Posted by: "Al Lowe" <al@allowe.com>



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