Joke For All: April 2010

Thursday, April 29, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] April 30, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Here are some absolutely stunning photographs of sleeping insects, covered in water droplets. Glistening in the early morning dew, the insects look like creatures from another planet.
http://bit.ly/dA4tx2

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

And then there was the highway patrolman who gave a hermit a ticket... for recluse driving!

A middle-aged passenger in business class asked the sexy young stewardess for her name. She replied, "Mercedes, sir." He smiled his sexiest and said, "Lovely name. Any relation to Mercedes Benz?" She replied, "Same price!"

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Wednesday, April 28, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] April 29, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Who knew the Huffington Post had humor? Check out "The 11 Funniest Unintentionally-Sexual Books Of All Time". It's just covers, but... were we ever really so innocent?
http://huff.to/ch1fHM

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Over seventy years ago, Superman debuted in Action Comics, a copy of which recently sold for a million dollars. Today parents have to explain what a phone booth is to kids. Then the kids have to explain to them why a flying man in tights was never interested in Lois Lane!

How do you know your life isn't going well? When your nymphomaniac girlfriend tells you, "Let's just be friends!"

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Tuesday, April 27, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] April 28, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Ever notice something weird on Google Earth? Here are 22 Most Unusual Google Earth Photos:
http://bit.ly/aoaK2m

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The less important you are to a business, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed!

What do you call a hillbilly farmer with a sheep under each arm? The town pimp!

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Monday, April 26, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] April 27, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

When the Dallas Cowboys imploded Texas Stadium they put an interactive, 360° camera at centerfield. Watch, and move the camera, as a stadium is destroyed around you:
http://bit.ly/doOYh0

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

In case you feel bad this morning, remember that every seven minutes, someone in an aerobics class pulls a muscle!

Kurt was dating a hot girl and finally popped the question: "Isn't it time we slept together, darling?" She smiled coyly and said, "Sure -- if you buy me a mink." Kurt thought a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal. But on one condition." "What?" "You have to clean the cage!"

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Sunday, April 25, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] April 26, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Stranded in Europe? Hope your wi-fi is working -- because I have enough sight gags to get you through another week!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2301

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Jewish marriage advice: "Never marry a beautiful person because they may leave you. Of course, an ugly person may also leave you, but then: who cares?"

Yesterday my wife received the following letter from our local Target store: Dear Madam: your husband has been causing trouble in our store. We request you leave him at home. Our video surveillance team noted the following incidents: He sneaked boxes of condoms into other people's carts. He set all the alarm clocks to go off at 5-minute intervals. He left a trail of tomato juice on the floor in front of the women's restroom. He told an employee in an official voice: "Code 3 in housewares. Stat!" He tried to put a bag of candy on layaway. He moved the "Caution -- Wet Floor" sign to a carpeted area. He set up a tent in the camping department and told children they could come inside if they brought a blanket from the bedding department -- and twenty obliged. He answered a clerk's offer for assistance by screaming, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" While shopping for a gun in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where he could find the antidepressants. He darted around the store humming the theme from Mission Impossible. He practiced his "Madonna look" in the auto department with different sizes of metal funnels. He hid in a clothing rack and, as people browsed through, cried, "Pick me! Pick me!" But the final straw was when, after an announcement over the P. A. system, he assumed the fetal position and screamed, "Oh, no! The voices are back!"

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Thursday, April 22, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] April 23, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Al Johnson shares this page of amazing photos of Iceland's erupting Eyjafjallajokull volcano, the volcano that stopped Europe. I've seen some good photos of the eruption, but none better than these:
http://bit.ly/aABVkk

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Yo mamma is so fat... when she was cremated, air traffic over Europe had to be diverted!

The instructor was demonstrating static electricity to his class. Holding a plastic rod in one hand and a wool cloth in the other, he began, "You can see that I get a large charge from rubbing my rod…" That was pretty much the end of learning for that day!

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[cyberjoke3000] April 22, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Charter CyberJokester Neil Rubenking sends along this hilarious blog, "Steve, Don't Eat It!" in which poor Steve tastes food that no one should ever have to eat. My question is: if this stuff is so bad, how does it sell?
http://www.thesneeze.com/steve-dont-eat-it/

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

When I had surgery, the doctor said he was going to give me a local anesthetic. I said, "Come on, Doc! I've got insurance. Give me the imported stuff!"

Three female roommates got a parrot. Every morning when they passed before it, the bird pronounced three colors. One day, it said, "Yellow, blue, black." The next day, "Pink, white, blue." Finally, one of them realized those were the colors of their underpants. She mentioned it to the others, but they didn't believe her. So the next day, as a test, they all wore black panties. Sure enough, the parrot said, "Black, black, black." They were astonished. The next morning they decided to trick the bird by wearing no underwear at all. When they passed before the parrot, it looked puzzled but clearly said, "Straight, curly, shaved!"

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Tuesday, April 20, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] April 21, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Eric Whitacre created a "Virtual Choir," made up of 185 singers who have never met, singing the same arrangement of "Lux Aurumque" into their video cameras. He then pieced everything together in the computer. Beautiful, creative, and unique.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D7o7BrlbaDs
And here's a second video of "Sleep."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1h3Tf26TcA
And finally, here's the story of "how he did it."
http://bit.ly/d12ewS

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A mother arrived for her daughter's parent-teacher conference to find the teacher flustered. "You daughter doesn't always pay attention in class. Sometimes she's a little scatterbrained. For example, she's done the wrong page of an assignment. Once she even sat in the wrong desk." "I don't understand," replied the mother, defensively. "Where could she have gotten that?" "Oh, don't worry too much. She's doing okay and is quite sweet." Finally, after a pause, she added, "By the way, our appointment was for tomorrow."

A guy approached the cute girl sitting at the bar. "Hi, Babe. How's about a date?" "Don't waste your time," she replied. "I don't go out with perfect strangers." He took a sip and continued, "Well, then, we're both in luck: I'm a long way from perfect!"

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Monday, April 19, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] April 20, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

If you have dogs or cats, be careful of the garden product called "cocoa mulch," made from cocoa shells. It contains enough chocolate to be toxic to pets. Read more about it at Snopes:
http://www.snopes.com/critters/crusader/cocoamulch.asp

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

European leaders recently demanded that Icelandic banks give them back their cash. They forgot that the Icelandic alphabet has no letter C!

Yamaha recently recalled 20,000 grand pianos due to sticking pedals that cause pianists to play too fast, resulting in a dangerous number of accidentals. The pedal problem also makes it harder to come to a full stop at the end of a piece. Although there have been some accidentals, so far there have been no deafs. Analysts expect this to put a damper on their bass market. Will they be able to sustain sales? When Congress heard about the treble, they called in the president of Yamaha for questioning. He gave a sharp response, playing down the scale of the problem, before taking the fifth. "Only a few modals are affected by this relative minor problem," he said. With no progression towards resolution, piano sales are flat. Analysts predict an interval of diminished revenue for the company. Yamaha plans to fine-tune their marketing to augment sales. May they arrive at a more harmonious A-chord as this development is hammered out and the situation plays out.

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Sunday, April 18, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] April 19, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Monday. Sight gags. What more excuse do you need?
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2291

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A mother mouse and her three children were feasting in the kitchen when she saw the cat slinking towards them, blocking their path to their mouse hole. Mother Mouse took a deep breath and, in a loud deep voice, said, "Woof! Woof!" The cat turned tail and ran. She then quickly led her children back to safety. When their hearts had stopped racing, she asked, "Now, children, what did we learn from that?" The baby mice squealed, "Watch out for the cat?" "No," said their mother. "It's good to know a second language!"

How is sex like pot? The quality depends on the pusher!

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Thursday, April 15, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] April 16, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Yesterday, free coffee; today, free french fries! Jack in the Box is celebrating "Fryday" with a free small order of fries, no purchase necessary, to promote their "new recipe" fries. (Don't you just throw potatoes into boiling grease? What's new? <grin>) Thanks to CyberJokester Larry Buchanan.
http://bit.ly/deg39W

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Did you hear? Buckwheat, the kid from "Our Gang," recently converted to the Muslim faith. Yep, he's now known as Kareem of Wheat!

I went to a game store to buy the new Grand Theft Auto, but when I got there, I couldn't remember its title. The clerk asked me to describe it to him. I said, "I want the game with the black guy who drives around with metal pipes, crashes cars, sleeps with whores, and evades the cops." He gave me "Tiger Woods 2010!"

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Wednesday, April 14, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] April 15, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Happy Tax Day! Want a free cup of coffee? Take a reusable travel mug into your local Starbucks on April 15th and you'll get a free brewed coffee. Think there will be a line? This tip is courtesy of Steve Bass's TechBite free newsletter. Sign up (for much more than just coffee tips!) here:
http://www.techbite.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Three fifth-graders, a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde, were at a slumber party comparing their bodies. Whose figure was the best? The blonde, of course. After all, she was 18!

An infamous stud delighted in sharing his list of conquests with his buddies at the bar but tonight he looked worried. The barkeep asked him if anything was wrong. "I'm scared," the stud replied. "Some pissed-off husband wrote me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop screwing his wife." "So stop," said the bartender. "How can I?" asked the womanizer. "He didn't sign his name!"

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Tuesday, April 13, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] April 14, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

When I need to speak to a human instead of a robot, I rely on GetHuman.com to tell me how to get through to one. Now there's another source, ContactHelp, with more and different numbers to try. Try them both.
http://gethuman.com
http://contacthelp.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A husband asked his wife, "What would you do if I won the Lotto?" She said, "I'd take half and then leave you." "Good answer," he replied. "I won a hundred bucks; here's your fifty, now get out!"

A cowboy, riding across the prairie, came upon a Indian lying buck-naked on his back with a huge erection. "What are you doing?" he asked. The Indian looked at the shadow of his d¡ck and said, "Checking the time. It's 1 PM." The cowboy rode on, but soon came upon another naked Indian lying on his back with another huge erection. The cowboy asked, "What are you doing? Telling time?" The Indian replied, "Yep. It's 3 PM." The cowboy rode on until he came upon third naked Indian, lying on his back and masturbating. The cowboy asked, "What in the hell are you doing?" The Indian replied, "Winding my watch!"

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Monday, April 12, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] April 13, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Wallace Krebs sends along this Cracked.com article on weird foods. Even I wouldn't eat this stuff!
http://tinyurl.com/yacetv5

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Most pay raises are just large enough to increase your taxes, but small enough to have no effect on your actual take-home pay!

Woman: "Are you good in bed?" Man: "Of course." Woman: "How do you know?" Man: "Because I'm always satisfied!"

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Sunday, April 11, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] April 12, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

It's just another Monday morning. Have a sight gag or ten...on me!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2281

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The Frenchman said, "I'm tired and thirsty; I must have wine." The German said, "I'm tired and thirsty; I must have beer." The Jew said, "I'm tired and thirsty; I must have diabetes."

What's the difference between David Copperfield and the Radio City Rockettes? One has a cunning array of stunts...

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Thursday, April 8, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] April 9, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Want to plan a night out? Or a reunion? Have all your friends call the same (non-tollfree) number and Rondee will provide you with a free conference call. Cool features include setting up a scheduler that e-mails everyone an invite and a Web site to show who's on the call.
http://www.rondee.com/

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A hospital administrator was worried. In just one week, fourteen patients had come down with food poisoning from undercooked meat. He called an emergency conference of all medical and kitchen personnel. The subject line of his email? "Staph Meating!"

A guy woke up one morning with a massive hangover. He couldn't remember a thing from the night before. As he got out of bed, he saw a bra on the floor. He thought, "What in the hell happened last night?" He walked to the bathroom and in the hall saw a pair of sexy panties. Again he wondered, "What happened? I wonder who I was with? It must have been some party." When he got to the bathroom, he looked in the mirror and noticed a little white string hanging from his mouth. "Oh, God, please let this be a teabag!"

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Wednesday, April 7, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] April 8, 2010

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Wallace Krebs sends along some more wonderful magic tricks, this time the winners of the 2009 and 2010 Close-Up Magicians competition. Watch these:
2009: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7zp8XOkGfY4l
2010: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=guULaPET1eg

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Did you hear about the depression clinic founded by three Jewish doctors? It's called "Oy's 'R' Us."

At the paternity trial, the blonde's lawyer asked, "And on the night of July 16th, at approximately 11:45 PM, in the locale commonly known as Lover's Lane, did the defendant have sexual relations with you?" "Yes," the blonde said softly. "And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax?" "Oh, no," she replied. "I think it was a Lexus!"

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[cyberjoke3000] April 7, 2010, part 2

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

I'm not sure what happened, but somehow the punchline to today's second joke got cut off. Here are both again, in their entirety.

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Men are like vacations; neither is ever long enough!

Dear Jesse James: You stupid bastard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock? How dumb are you? You're married to one of the most beautiful women in the world, with a body to die for, whose current and predicted wealth is shadowed only by Oprah (who even Steadman admits isn't attractive). But your wife (who recently beat out Julia Roberts as "America's Sweetheart") just won an Oscar, which translates to even more money per picture in the future. Yet you shack up with some tattooed former stripper freak. You are really a piece of work. You are now the most hated man on the planet! While California is a no-fault state, meaning you might get away with taking half your wife's wealth, if you did, you'd be even more despised, especially after Sandra's Oscar speech when she did nothing but praise you. I only have one thing to say to a despicable cheating piece of crap like you: Thank you for taking the heat off me! Let's do lunch and compare notes. Signed, Tiger Woods.

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Joke For All

Thursday, April 29, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] April 30, 2010

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] April 29, 2010

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] April 28, 2010

Monday, April 26, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] April 27, 2010

Sunday, April 25, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] April 26, 2010

Thursday, April 22, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] April 23, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] April 22, 2010

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] April 21, 2010

Monday, April 19, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] April 20, 2010

Sunday, April 18, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] April 19, 2010

Thursday, April 15, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] April 16, 2010

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] April 15, 2010

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] April 14, 2010

Monday, April 12, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] April 13, 2010

Sunday, April 11, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] April 12, 2010

Thursday, April 8, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] April 9, 2010

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] April 8, 2010

[cyberjoke3000] April 7, 2010, part 2

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